After the strange talk with Bodhi I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep anymore. Thousands of stars were scattered all over the dark blue sky and an enormous moon was shining brightly, filling the whole room with silver light. The nights were cold, clear and beautiful in the mountains.

I thought about Jeff and remembered a camping trip that we had on a night very much like this. We were hiking, kissing by the bonfire and making love inside the tent. Those were the most precious memories of my life. His death made me heartbroken and empty and I suppressed everything concerning men. Because I was sure I could never love anyone like I loved Jeff.

Damn bed that creaked with every movement I made! The door of my room opened.

" What is it with you? " Bodhi leaned on the door frame. He was barefoot, dressed in plaid boxer shorts only. " Why don't you sleep? "

" Just insomnia, I guess, " I replied weakly.

Bodhi sat on the side of the bed and put his palm on my forehead. His hand was pleasantly warm against my skin.

" No fever, " he said. " What's keeping you up? "

Due to the moonlight, his face looked a bit pale. I noticed the tiniest details about him. The freckles on his broad shoulders. The indentation on his chin, partly hidden by his facial hair. A few white hairs here and there in his beard. His Adam's apple moving lightly. The dark, silky hair on his chest. I wanted to arrest him...

My intense stare didn't escape Bodhi's notice. He touched my cheek lightly, his finger traveling along my jawline. He mumbled something in Spanish.

" What's that? " I asked.

" I said that you're beautiful. "

Bodhi bent and suddenly our lips met. My heart skipped a beat when I felt his bearded chin scratch my skin. His breath washed over my face, I could smell the sweet scent of cigarettes he was smoking. A hot prickling sweat sprang out on me as I freaked out. My legs were trembling even though I was lying down.

" Stop! "

" Calm down, " he whispered, as he went in for another try.

" Stop it! " I pushed him away furiously and wiped my lips with the back of my hand. " What the hell is wrong with you? I told you I'm not like that! Are you a fag? "

In one rapid movement Bodhi grabbed my throat and pushed me into the pillows. His teeth gritted together and a dark shadow glided over his face.

" That's how you thank me for saving your life again? " he hissed. " You wanted to put me behind bars. I could have easily left you to die. "

" You're insane! Let me go! " I tried to get his fingers off my throat. His iron grip was choking me. " I like Samsara! "

" Samsara?! You have a short memory, my friend. Can you even count the times I have saved your ass? If it wasn't for me, you'd be dead now. What has Samsara done for you, except let you cry on her shoulder? And don't give me that " I'm not like that " shit! You can fool whoever you want, but not me. You're as big a gay as me, I felt it from the first moment I saw you! "

He released my neck. I coughed and breathed heavily, finally able to get some air into my lungs. Bodhi's gaze softened.

" I know you. Just you and me here, no need to pretend. "

His finger followed the lines of the tattoos on my chest. My desire for men was asleep and locked in a cage for many years. His touches had awakened it and now it shook the lock wildly, desperately wanting to get out of its imprisonment. I knew that if I let it free, I'll never be able to capture it again. It was incredibly hard the first time, this time it would be impossible.

Bodhi kissed me again, demandingly and aggressively. Our lips brushed together, his tongue looking for mine. Though my mind was still clinging to the last strings of resistance, my mouth was already returning the kiss, tasting his lips, caressing the inside of his mouth. I let out a long-drawn moan when his hands slid lower, under the blanket, under the waistband of my briefs.

" Bodhi... " I dug my fingers into his hair that caressed my cheek as he greedily kissed my neck. Every time his rugged cheeks scraped my skin, shivers ran through my entire body.

" You have no idea how much I have wanted to do this, " he whispered between kissing and nibbling me.

My inner beast was roaring in victory. I had let it starve for eternity. Now it was getting stronger every second, ready to take revenge for all the years in captivity.

Bodhi kicked away his boxer shorts and slid under the blanket on top of me. And when our naked bodies pressed together, when his weight pinned me into the mattress, when I felt his cock against mine, I knew I had lost all control.

It was free.

The need for another man flooded my body and mind like adrenaline. We tangled together, embracing each other so tightly that it hurt. I couldn't imagine my world anymore without his hands, his mouth, his hot breath in places where the skin on my body was the thinnest. He groaned in pleasure, muttering a chain of English and Spanish swear words. Our hearts were beating equally fast, uniting in one frantic rhythm.

Bodhi was gentle and rough at the same time. He was patient but didn't let me obstinate. He knew that the only thing that worked with me was a shock. I loved his tenderness but every now and then I desperately needed to feel his firm hand around my throat or the pain of him tugging at my hair.

The bed squeaked, begging for mercy. The headboard banged against the wall in response to the thrusts. Our moans and groans overlaid these sounds. I cried out loudly as I reached the peak of pleasure. Bodhi gasped my name as he came, his face buried in the back of my neck.

Despite the cold night, we were sweating. I had forgotten what making love with a man was like. Bodhi's passionate nature engulfed me completely. I didn't know where I started and where I ended and if I even existed without him. His name was in the core of my being and consciousness before I saw him, before I knew him, before I came to be. Now, as he was on me, under me and inside me, a piece of my soul that was missing for life finally clicked into place.