Adomania: The sense that the future is coming to quickly.
It really scared her, how everything seemed to be happening all at once these days. Hospital. Paralysis. Proposal. Getting better. Nearly dying. Proposal. Wedding Prep. Oh my God the wedding prep. All in a couple of months. Or pretty much.
Everything was nicely lined up, one after the other in an uncompromising, regimented line. No room for ifs or buts or maybes. Every single thing was going to happen. Kensi could almost predict what was expected to happen next.
Wedding. Honeymoon. Work. Kids. Work. That's how this were supposed to happen from now on, wasn't it?
Only one of those things terrified her.
Maybe it was because up until now everything they'd done had taken time. Time to know each other. Time to gain full trust. Time to fall in love. Okay, admittedly that last point had happened alarmingly fast but it was more the realising that she was in love that took time.
It's just how Kensi was. She took time over things. To get them right. To know what she was doing. She wasn't inflexible by any stretch of the imagination, her job description ensured that. It was just-she liked to know what she was doing and how to do it right when she could. Which definitely applied to her personal life. The one thing she could control.
Until one Marty Deeks.
Again, not a bad thing. It was good and healthy (according to Nate anyway) to allow someone into your life to trust implicitly, to give up control to. To lean on and hold up when necessary. Give and take. And she wanted to do that with Deeks. She yearned for it even if it terrified her. He got her, giving her the space and time, she needed but knowing when to push. And she steadied him when he wanted to go rushing in.
Give and take.
Now, it didn't feel like she was getting any time. Never mind the time she needed to process things (and gain control over).
It was hard not to panic sometimes. It was the times where every cell of her body would scream "I'm not ready! I'm not ready!" Because she wasn't. Was anybody?
Strong arms wrapped around her from behind. She could smell the saltiness of the sea emanate from him. Instinctively, she curled herself into his protective embrace, tucking herself under his scratchy chin. She needed to be close to him.
"What's up?" Deeks asked.
Kensi shook her head against his chest.
"Nothing," she mumbled.
His chest vibrated with his sardonic chuckle.
"I'm not buying that."
"Not my problem," Kensi retorted, still directing her response to his chest.
Her fiancé (which still sounded weird to her - partner sounded much better) gently spun her around and pushed her back. Kensi made a protesting whine, not liking the loss of contact and knowing what he was trying to do. Eye contact and honesty. That's what those actions meant. He found that neither of them could even lie to themselves if they were making eye contact to the other.
"Oh, but it is my little wall-building fiancé," he said with a serious look on his face.
She gave him a look, making him raise an eyebrow in return.
"I'm not building any walls," she said stubbornly.
"Trying to," he pointed out gently.
She frowned at that, feeling confused. She wasn't intentionally trying to build walls.
"I'm not trying to keep you out," she romped him and he looked relieved. "Just trying to cope with stuff."
And now he looked worried again. Great. Nice going Kensi.
"What sort of stuff?"
"Everything," she replied helplessly, waving her hands expansively to demonstrate 'everything'.
"Is it me?" he asked. "Am I doing something wrong?"
Kensi's heart broke at the thought of him blaming himself for her behaviour.
"No," she assured him quickly, reaching for his hands. They were firm yet soft. "Not you. Never you."
Deeks gave her an unsure look.
"No regretting anything?" he checked.
"Not regretting anything," she replied firmly.
His face relaxed briefly before creasing up again as he tightened his grasp on her fingers.
"Then what is it, Kensi? You gotta talk to me."
"It's just, I, we," she stuttered before taking a deep, steadying breath before continuing, "It's just like our future is all set up for us. That we're following some sort of step-by-step guide for life."
Her partner gave her a long look before chuckling. She looked at him indignantly but he just shook his head and drew her in for a hug. She pouted as he kissed on top of her head but melted into him anyway. How could she not? It made her feel safe. He made her feel safe.
"Oh, Kensi," he said.
She glared at him. He chuckled again.
"It's not funny," she told him.
"It is," he replied easily.
Her eyes narrowed dangerously which made him quickly start talking.
"When has our lives ever fit a mould, never mind followed some set of instructions on 'How to live?" he explained. "Have you met us? The people who make therapists and psychologists tear their hair out in frustration? Who can kick ass and tear people down but took years to see what people were practically beating us round the head with?"
She couldn't help it, Kensi chuckled. See, this is why she needed Deeks. To put things into perspective.
"Nate didn't actually tear his hair out," she felt like she had to point out.
They had been made to go to couple's counselling pathetically veiled as 'Partner Evaluations'. Nate didn't last long before throwing his hands up in disgust and declaring them to utterly dysfunctional and strange but perfect for each other because there was no one else insane enough in the world for them.
"He had a point," Deeks said with a grin. "We are perfect for each other.
"Yeah," she agreed.
His face turned serious as he finished up with, "Can you see that, Kensi? That we don't and never have to fit into what society thinks is the way to go? We do things the way we want and when we want. Together."
"I suppose," she replied, biting her lip as he gave her a pointed look. "OK, I know."
A grin stretched across his face as he squeezed her tight. She rerun ed it whole-heartedly.
"Good."
Kensi stretched up to press a firm kiss to his lips.
That looming future receded ever so slightly at his explanation. It wasn't out of sight or even out of reach. It just sat there on a shelf, waiting to be taken down when it was needed.
She could live with that.