Twlight's P.O.V. (only for this chapter)-
I awoke with a start; somehow I'd fallen to sleep without my realizing…. And what a good sleep it was too, even if a tad short. I can't remember the last time I slept that sound. Still drowsy, my whole body flinched in reflex at turning my head to the side; there was something on my shoulder, I think….
My teeth grit and my eyes enlarged, completely awake now. Yor! She was fast asleep with her head resting on my right shoulder. Her breathing was low and gentle; she was obviously in a deep slumber of her own. My initial thought was to move right away, but I refrained, not wanting to wake her. As she wisped peacefully, I watched her keenly. This was my first time… seeing her sleep.
She's so small, or maybe it just seems that way to me. There's no way she could protect herself out there in the real world, and with the upcoming war looming in the distance…. I swallowed, banishing those nasty thoughts from my head. No, she'll be fine; I'll leave her in such a condition where she'll be safe…. if not happy.
My lips pressed together as I studied every line on her face. She's aesthetically pleasing, Yor… She's not conventionally alluring, but there's this quiet beauty about her. She's not like those girls you see on the street and in the lounges. No, her beauty's more regal…. more artistic. She's like a living painting, with each move of hers betraying her inner grace. There isn't a thing about her- a glance, a step, the movement of her fingers, even the flash in her throat as she breathes- which doesn't entirely reveal herself to me. She's innocence and kindness incarnate. A living, breathing masterpiece….
I had to remember to breathe just then and give my brain a kick to come back to my senses. Course those are all general observations; anyone could have them. My head lowered a tad in reflection. I remember…. the first thing they teach you about being a spy is don't get attached- never get attached. Spies like me can be called away at any time to any place; families and relations simply aren't a luxury we can afford. It's all part of the job- I accepted that years ago. While thinking all this, I kept my eyes cemented onto Yor; I wanted to remember every inch, every atom of her face.
No…. I've got to soak her essence in now, cause you're going to leave someday, Twilight. Likely someday soon, the instant my mission is done. I'll leave Yor without saying a word; she'll just turn around suddenly…. and I won't be there. It has to be this way; this is what's best… for both of us. I'll move onto my next mission and Yor can move on with her life. She'll survive, and so will I…. after I know that she's safe. I'll get Franky to give me updates whenever possible; the higher-ups won't like it, but it's the only way I can see myself realistically committing fully to the next job. We're supposed to leave all traces of our fake lives behind us when we end a mission. I won't even be allowed to keep a picture of her…
I frowned, pressing up against her shoulder; she felt so soft and smelt so good, this woman…. Yes, I'll go, and she'll move on too. She'll do as she pleases with her days, and maybe find herself a real husband. That idea stuck lingered in my mind like a bad taste. My scowl widened without my noticing….. A real husband? Why does that irk me? Yor deserves to be with a man who loves her and can take care of her… My hands balled into tight fists. Thing is…. I don't trust any other guy to do it right; protect Yor adequately. Will he realize just how important that task is? I didn't have confidence that he would, whoever he might be.
My eyes narrowed slightly. But what other choice do I have? And why am I so preoccupied with this? What makes Yor so special? I've known tons of women before, but I've never been fake-married to one before; I guess that makes a difference maybe. Still…. I watched Yor's chest move up and down with every breath.
Truth is, I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I've never had this problem before; I've never been attached to anyone. I don't even know what that would be like. I don't know what it's like to care for someone…. for them to be precious. The thought never occurred to me before; it had no reason to, I suppose. But with Yor…. This is all so new and different, and very un-spy-like I fear. I knew this was wrong; everything in my gut screamed at me that this was wrong. But I couldn't help it; it happened without my permission, without my consent or even awareness. And yet, despite all this, Yor is here…. She is here, with me. My fingers brushed some stray hairs off her cheek. How can you be precious to me, Yor? How did you manage that? My lips parted a sliver.
You are so precious to me….
Course I can never actually tell her that. I don't even know what word means still; it just feels right when I look at her. Perhaps she's the definition of that word: "precious". Or maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Either way, there's no way I can tell anyone this. I'm a spy, after all; we aren't supposed to have "precious" things or people. This is all temporary; I've got to remember that. This will all go away one day, and I've got to move on. I've got to…. Though she's never out of sight now, I will have to close my eyes eventually… otherwise I'll always be subconsciously looking for her, searching for her in the crowds….. knowing I'll never find her there, back in my home country. She'll stay here and I'll leave…. I'll leave.
My jaw dropped open a little. Why do I feel nauseous all of a sudden? Is it because I secretly don't want her so far away and out of reach of me? Nonsense; I'm a grown man who's stopped wars from happening. I can handle a simple separation. I'll get over it- time heals all wounds. So long as I know she's safe, I'll survive. There's no reason for me to get worked up. Remember your rules, Twilight: do what you are here to do. Don't think about her more than required, don't talk to her more than necessary. We haven't even embraced yet, which is how it must stay! Hugging Yor, holding her in your arms would only cause unnecessary attachment to grow even more- you don't need that, Twilight. Keep your head in the game; no hugging, no cuddling, no definitely no kissing. I certainly can't do that- that would only lead to Yor getting more attached too. I meant what I said earlier; I've got to take care of her while I'm here. I've got to think of what's best for her too. I can't let her get more attached; I can't get more attached myself. I can't kiss her…. It would be wrong to do that to her. I can't kiss her. Not now, not ever.
Staring at Yor for another moment, my arm coiled around behind her back. Without waking her, I was able to bring her head closer to mine. Shutting my eyes, I leaned forward to press my lips into her forehead, staying like that for a good minute.