Disclaimer: Characters and places from The Lord Of The Rings belong to the master storyteller of all time: J.R.R Tolkien. God bless.

KT SHY: Well, well, well! So you're back for more eh? Excellent. I fear this chapter is much shorter than the last, but cut me some slack, I'm busssssy! Enough whining. Alrighty, I wanna say thanks to the reviewers! I was really surprised I got even one review, but six!? Wow! Thank you to Moose of Doom, moi, Herodias, Starbrat, MelodySongSinger, and JadeownerofCATBoy!!!!! Thank you all sooooo much!!! ^_^

Eye On the Prize

Act II: Catharsis

In the heart of Mordor where evil does not sleep, where danger awaits with eager fangs and where those that enter do so with little hope, dwelt the Eye. No, not the Evil Eye of Sauron, this impressive visage was the Happy Eye of Frodo. Frodo was bouncing all around Barad-dûr as happy as an uneaten clam. Having found the dark cold stone too uninviting and impersonal, his hobbit-sense kicked in and he got all his minions to begin the redecoration process. Bright green and yellow trappings now adorned the walls, and the stone floors had been replaced by softwood. Every window had been thrown open to clear out the stuffiness, and the warm breeze felt nice on those who had skin to enjoy it.

Suddenly an irritating beeping noise disturbed Frodo in the midst of interior-decoration mode.

'What in the world is that?' he asked.

'That would be the Palantír, my Lord.' replied the Witch-King

'Um…. yes? Good?'

The Witch-King sighed. 'This way, sire.'

The Palantír sat on a dais in the middle of a room Frodo had never popped into before. It shone with a dark and mysterious power, and yes, it was the source of the noise.

'So………… what does it do?'

'Sire, it's a communication devise. Simply will it to open before you. I believe this call comes straight from Orthanc.'

'………right. Okay. Here goes!'

Frodo looked into the Palantír, and jumped back when he saw the face at the other end.

'EEK! Gandalf!? No wait… you're much scarier, and he's not that yucky at all!'

'WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO… ahem… I mean, greetings o' great Lord of all Dark Lords.' said Saruman in his usual smarmy tone.

'Hi!'

'My Lord, I've just called to confirm the orders you sent me when last we spoke. Section 23 of plan C seems better fit to be replaced by plan D with the sporadic way things are running here in Isengard, wouldn't you agree my Lord?'

Okay, Frodo thought quickly to himself, they think I'm a dark lord, so now's the time to act it.

'Do not contend to believe that you may change the plans without my initial command knave!' Oh nice!

Saruman paled considerably, 'My Lord, I apologize, but…'

'There are NO buts in Mordor! Snicker. Thou shall now change to Plan E section 2 in replace of… err… earlier said… plannings.'

'Plan E section 2!? Setting a pack of Piranha-poodles against Gondor!? My Lord, I…'

'Against Gondor?  Wait… what are we talking about?' Frodo was beginning to feel ill at ease.

'Well, the war plans of course…' Saruman began.

'Oh, um, I have important things to do now. Bye!' Frodo broke the connection, cutting off Saruman's confused stammers.

'War plans? He called about war plans?' Frodo would have shivered if he still had his body, a cold dread starting to build within. It was starting to dawn on him that maybe he was in something a little over his head… more so than usual at any rate.

***

'This is getting more and more undignified by the moment!' whined Boromir from where he hung in the air, legs caught in a bear trap that suspended from a tall tree branch.

'Not to mention I don't even know how it was physically possible for you to pull this off, Frodo!'

Sauron in Frodo's form looked up from where he sat on the ground rummaging through Boromir's bag. He narrowed his eyes, 'You try my patience, mortal. Have I not informed you to call me Sauron!?'

'Umm… Frodo?'

Sauron stood up, 'No. Not Frodo, "Sauron," say it with me. "Saaaaauuron!"'

'Sss….ssssss…..sssssssssssss…Srodo!'

'I suppose that will do for now.' The Dark Lord in the hobbit body grimaced as he tossed the bag aside.

'Anyway,' Boromir continued, 'Puhleeeeeeeeeease let me down?'

Sauron scoffed, 'Tell me human, have you always been this obnoxious?'

'Hmmmm…' Boromir thought back…

**Flash back twenty years**

Boromir's younger brother Faramir traced a pointer along red marked road lines on a large strategy chart, '… and so father, by taking this route we can assure a maximum and unfailing vantage point with zero loss for out own forces…'

Denethor stirred in the cushy armchair, 'Zzzzzz…zzkx… shadap punk I'm trying to sleep here!'

Suddenly Boromir - who is the older brother by the way - ran into the room with a cooking pot on his head.

'Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!'

Denethor leapt to attention.

'Look what I can do!' and Boromir proceed to do his happy dance.

'BWA HA HA! That's my boy all right!' Denethor beamed.

'I luv you daddy!'

'You make me proud to be a father, my dear son.'

Father and son gazed at each other as the sun rose to peer through the eastern windows; tears of joy fell from Denethor's eyes. Then they embraced.

Faramir clicked his previously dropped jaw back in place as his mother came around the corner.

'Denethor, honey,' Mrs. Boromir's-Mom beckoned to her husband, 'why don't you take your two sons to the park to play?'

'I have two sons!?!?'

**End flashback**

'Um… anyway… let me down?'

'No, it suits my purpose better if you stay right where you are.' said Sauron. 'Ta ta!' and with that he headed east once again, toward the borders of Mordor… or he would have if three small creatures hadn't ran up to him at that point.

'Hey! Frodo! Hi! Hi! Where ya' goin'?' Pippin was jumping all over the place.

'Come on cousin Frodo! You can't leave without us! Lead the way and we'll follow!' said Merry while trying to chase Pippin down.

'Um, really I have no time…' Sauron began, when Sam plowed into him.

'I made a promise Mr. Frodo! A promise! (choke)(sob) "Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee," and I don't mean to! (sniffle) I don't mean to!'

'ARGH! Get off me puny creature!' Sauron raged (Dark Lords are apt to emotional constipation).

Then Gimli walked into the clearing with a crown of daisies resting on top of his warrior helmet, but a gauntlet-covered hand quickly disposed of them before the others noticed.

'Whoops! Heh. Don't mind me fellas! Hey, is this hobbit-talk? Can I join?'

The Dark Lord lost his last shred of patience.

Sauron lashed out with a speed that belied Frodo's small frame. In quick succession he grabbed Merry, Pippin, and Sam by the collar of their shirts with one hand; stepped on Gimli's foot so that his mouth opened wide in a holler of pain; and shoved the hobbits down his throat. He then sped out of the clearing as fast as his little feet would take him.

He had not been running long when another snag in his brilliant Escape-to-Mordor plan popped up. The treetop canopy let slivers of golden light dance off the creek and across the faces of the two figures that stood in his path. The light elf and the dark ranger advanced forward.

'Frodo, we really need to discuss your recent behavior.' said Legolas.

Sauron clenched his teeth and looked wildly from Aragorn to Legolas. There was no escaping this time.

Meanwhile…

Back in the clearing the three slobbered up hobbits stared at Gimli.

'HOW in Ilúvatar's name are you able to open your mouth so big!?' cried Merry.

'Well,' said Gimli with a musing look on his face, 'it's a long story dating back to an erotic dwarvish courting custom…'

A mental image of Gimli grinning seductively and waggling his big red eyebrows at a female dwarf - who looked exactly like him except for the lipstick and a pink dress and ribbon combo - lodged itself in Sam's brain.

'AIEEEEEEE!' he screamed, 'Get out of my head!!!!!'

Pippin winced, 'That is so wrong…'

To be continued…

KT SHY: Well! How was that? Hope you found it as amusing to read as I did to write! Tell you the truth I should not even be WRITING right now! ARGH! I'm in ISU crunch time! I have a law paper due! I have to train for track! I need to finish a poster for a contest! Why am I even complaining right now!? Puh-lease review! ^_^ Ciao for now!