Eye on the Prize

by KtShhh

When Sauron switches bodies with Frodo, it’s an all out race against time (with the Fellowship on his heels) to get the Ring back to Mordor! NEW: Act 16: Leaving Amber-lei and the Crossing to Gondor: In which stuff happens. Oh, so much stuff! Please RnR

13. Merry the Resourceful

Summary - Act 13: Merry the Resourceful:  With the Ring in Sauron's possession, the hobbits lost in Shelob's lair and the battle for Middle Earth slowly reaching its epic conclusion, Legolas finds it an opportune time to drop his pants. Read now!

KT SHY: Today's chapter is brought to you by the head of WETA digital, Mr. Richard Taylor!!!!!!!!

 Richard Taylor (in his usual shouting monotone):  I'M SORRY TO INFORM YOU THAT THERE WILL BE NO DROPPING OF PANTS IN THIS CHAPTER.  BUT THERE WILL BE BIGATURES!  WHY, I REMEMBER THE OTHER DAY ON THE SET MY WIFE SAID TO ME, "ARE YOU FINISHED ON THE MINIATURES?" AND I SAID "WOMAN, THEY'RE CALLED BIGATURES!" AND SHE SAID "DON'T YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME!" AND I SAID, "I LIKE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH SO THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO THREATEN ME!"

KT SHY: All right Richard!  Keep up the good work! (pleasepleasepleasegivemeajobatWETApleeeeaaaaaaseIgotoSheridanforanimationandeverything!) Before we kick off this - yet again - highly overdue next chapter, I'd like to thank all the reviewers:

Fernie ~ Well, here you go!  The Small Troop's making its long overdue appearance!  So there's no need to burn off… my… eyebrows… and pull off my… eye lashes……………….. (shudder).

 Pistachio Torte ~ Here's more!  Shocking, isn't it… eh heh.

YunSUKS Chunsah ~ I know, I know, I'm so incorrigible when it comes to updating!  No takers at Type V, eh?  Well I guess that means we have to approach it "Wag-the-Dog" stylez… go propaganda!  Oh… and chips… bring lots of chips.

Slinker/Stinker~ Ah yes, the snowball: Simple and elegant in its destructive capabilities.  And if you think Wormtongue's having a bad enough time defending Orthanc from the ents, imagine how much worse it'll be for him when Saruman comes back!  As for Sauron, we'll be seeing the little trouble maker in the chapter after this one… so no explody.

Miyako Inoue, Queen of Cheese~ Hey, glad to see you back!  You are soooo sweet to review all my chapters!  Also, good job catching onto my Clerks reference!  Expect more Kevin Smith tributes to pop up here and there… especially since Shagster see's him as "GOD".

Tylec Asroc~ Seriously!  When Saruman's making the bomb doesn't it remind you of cereal?  Ooh, I cannot WAIT until the third film comes out, and I'm sure it will provide oodles of inspiration and material.  I thought that perhaps I should wait to watch it before I started this chapter (since we'll be meeting Shelob) but then I figured I'd stay true to the way I pictured things in the book… except with a ridiculously quirky spin.  Thank you so much for the kind review… I'm still grinning!

And as always, huge kudos goes to Shagster, without whom I'm sure this fic wouldn't even be half as humorous.

Shagster: You know… what I find is the most common misconception in Fantasy stories is the portrayal AAAAAUGH!  BIG FREEKIN' SPIDER, UGGGHHHHHHHhhhhhhh ~ *

KT SHY: Read on!   Fo' sho'!

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Eye on the Prize

Act XIII: Merry the Resourceful

Elsewhere, during the battle for Helms Deep…

'…Sam, Pippin and Merry.  Hmm… you know, if you take only the first letter of those four words you get "spam", which is funny because spam is a kind of food…'

'For the last time Gimli, hobbits aren't edible.' Merry lied.

'Aww… you sure?'

'Positive.'

The three hobbits and one dwarf walked slowly and unsteadily through the blackness of the cave.  Having been unanimously elevated to leader of the Small Troop, Merry took up the front of the column; Pippin and Sam huddled close behind while Gimli stayed at the rear watching out for anything dangerous/delicious that might sneak up from the back… ambling up from the numerous other pathways.  The cave was disgustingly labyrinth like (but as long as it came devoid of handsome stretch-pants wearing Goblin Kings with a taste for Eighties music, they saw no reason to complain.)

'GLAUGH!'

'Mister Pippin!  You nearly gave me a heart attack, make no mistake!' came Sam's voice in the dark.

'Sorry Sam… but I just walked into another patch of spider webs, Ugh!  Glaugh!'

'Can't be spider webs,' said Merry, 'Too big.'

They carried on in silence again for a time, only broken here and there by the loud growls of empty stomachs.  The image of his big guts eating his little guts entered Merry's mind, but he shoved it aside just as abruptly.  The group had (for whatever reason beyond his understanding) put their faith in him getting them out of the tunnel… and so that's what he would focus on.  Not the hollow squelching pain of his own rumbly tumbly. 

Merry lifted his head up from time to time, sniffing at the foul air.  Whenever a cooler less rank wind carried, he changed direction and headed that way.

'If in doubt Meriadoc, always follow your nose.'

Who had said that?  Ah yes, Gandalf.  Merry remembered the wizard's words to him back in the dark of Moria… how appropriate that he was able to make use of them now. 

On and on they walked, unsure of whether any progress was being made, and all the while aware of a small tingling sensation in the backs of their minds… a dark sensation… as if something primal and utterly bestial were watching them.  Watching and waiting.  Wondering when time would be opportune to strike.

'Gimli, for Eru's sake, I promise you hobbits are poisonous so stop leering!' 

'What?' Gimli sounded genuinely hurt, 'It wasn't me that time, I swear!  I was peerin' off into the back passage…'

'Well if it wasn't you then who was it?' No sooner had the retort left Merry's mouth, then a low growl echoed off the walls around them. 

'That didn't sound like none of our stomachs…' said Sam in a small voice.

Merry felt it.  The cold growth of fear starting at the base of his spine, spreading upward in an attempt to stifle him completely.  The guttural ricochet sounded again.

'Run.' he whispered.

'And how are we to do that?' Gimli said in a voice that was much too loud, 'we've naught to see but this blasted darkness!'

'Well then creep quickly!'

Growing panic drove at Merry pushing his steps faster and faster.  It wasn't until he heard his cousin's distant shout that he realized how much farther ahead he'd gotten.

'Merry!  I can't hear your walking, where are you?' the quaver in Pippin's usually cheery voice nearly broke Merry's heart.  He turned around ready to start back, when something caught his eye.  A faint glow coming from back down the tunnel.  As he came nearer to his companions, Merry realized that they were the source of the tiny phosphorescent light, or more accurately…

'It's coming from Mister Pippin's pants!' exclaimed Sam.

'Now what in the…'

'No, he's right!' said Merry, 'Pip it's your belt, the belt that the Lady of the Wood gave you!'

The reference to Galadriel was enough to send Gimli into a light-headed stupor as Merry and Pippin fumbled with the clasps on the latter's belt to get a closer look.  Merry held it up and was delighted at the dim sight of Sam and Pippin's face peering at him from out of the cumbersome blackness.

'Hello Sam, hello Pip!' he grinned, 'I'd almost forgotten what you looked like; we've been down here too long!'

'Not the most pleasant sight, I'd expect,' Sam wiped the back of his hand across a dirty cheek.

'Why is it glowing though?' Pippin reached out a hand attempting to snatch back the belt… after all it was all that was keeping him from a pants-less doom.

'I expect it's some sort of Elven magic… like Frodo's sword, Sting!'  Merry handed the belt back to his younger cousin, not failing to notice the sad look in Sam's eyes at the mention of Frodo.  'Remember how it glowed blue whenever enemies drew near?'

As if in agreement with him, the growl that had daunted them earlier rang out fiercely, causing trickles of dirt to fall from the tunnel roof and onto four stunned heads.

'Now… about that running…' began Pippin.

By the light of the magic belt Pippin wore they ran on through the tunnel, the blue light growing brighter every minute – which was good in that it helped them see their surroundings, but bad in that the brighter the light the closer whatever foul thing was following them.  Suddenly the narrow tunnels gave way to the large expanse of a cavern, the roof of which went up so high that all they could see was the shadowy darkness of it. It was here that they were struck by an overwhelming sense of malice directed squarely at them.  The pungent reek of the place seemed to find its apex in that very cavern and as the Small Troop, under a hazy spell of sickness, took in their surroundings they saw that hundreds of smaller tunnels were carved into the rocky walls.  Bones littered the ground amidst orcish armor and fallen swords.  Upon closer inspection, they found the reason for the darkness above was because thick strands of black webbing funneled upward to obscure the top of the cavern from view.  In their attempt to escape whatever matter of beast had been pursuing them, they had wandered right into its lair.

'We've got to get out of here…' Sam stated the obvious as he held onto his stomach, forcing himself not to gag at the stench that surrounded them.  He scanned the multitude of tunnels fearing that their mysterious aggressor could burst from any one of them.  The one who dwelt in Torech Ungol had many openings for which to snatch her prey, not all of them known to outsiders.   Then he saw something.  Sam had to blink twice to be sure, but it was gone upon the second.  For an instant it was as if he'd seen the ghost of a possibility that never was… from the corner of his eye he thought he'd seen Frodo and himself walking hand in hand out from one of the other tunnels.  But it was gone.

'Look, something's moving…'  At Pippin's observation, they all looked upward to see that there indeed was something moving within the dark grey webbing above.  Then, it emerged, hanging by a black thread.  They all stared in horror at the massive shape descending from on high, spinning slowly as it came.  A disturbingly giant spider.

 Pippin opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again and said, '……………………Well maybe it's not as big as all that, maybe it's a perspective thing!'

'No Pip…perspective works the other way around,' said Merry backing up.

The three hobbits rushed behind the business end of Gimli.  With an axe wielding maniac on your team you should tend to fear all else less and less, but………

 The Dwarf peered quizzically over his shoulder at them.  'How can you be scared of spiders?  The wee things are more afraid of us then we are of them.'

Merry gave the Dwarf a level stare, looked at the gigantic descending blob, and then looked back meaningfully.

'Oh, alright.'

The monstrous spider drew nearer, dangerous looking legs spreading outward to reveal a gargantuan body.  The slow yet deadly progress was hypnotic, and the hobbits stood paralyzed while Gimli strummed nervous fingers across the handle of his axe.  For a moment all time seemed to come to a shuddering halt.  Then the web above the spider snapped and it landed with an ungraceful thud upon its back.  As it flailed about to upright itself, a guttural voice emitted from its spidery-beak-mouth-thing, 'BUR, BUR, BUR, HOBBITS!'

 Then remembering the importance of presentation, Shelob (for that was the name of the jygumbous arachnid) regained her composure.... she'd once seen Galadriel do her shtick (from afar) and knew it was essential to keep up appearances:

'Welcome small travelers to my lair.  I am the mistress of this darkness and am known as Shelob.  Shelob of Torech Ungol.'

Despite the genteel words, the hobbits started running around in panicky circles.

'BIG GIANT SPIDER!' Pippin screamed.

'AUUUUUUUUGH!' the three hobbits continued their aimless flight.

'WITH EIGHT LEGS!'

'GYAAAAAAAAAAGH!'

'I know what you spiders are about!' said Sam, 'You best stay outta my popcorn!'

'I think that's the least of our worries Sam.' Merry muttered in passing.

'Please don't eat us!' Sam readdressed Shelob, 'have some tatters instead!' And with that he pulled out a pan layered with golden crispy tatters. 

Pippin's jaw dropped, 'You've had those all along and STILL you fed us ROCKS!?'

'I was savin' em for Mister Frodo for when we find him…' Sam began sadly.

'No Samwise,' Shelob addressed the hobbit, 'You're so called "tatters" would not sustain me.'

Stunned silence.

'Wait a moment, how do you know his name?' Merry interjected, and then turned to Sam, 'How long have you two been in cahoots?'

'We haven't!' defended Sam, 'and I haven't the faintest know-how how she knows my name neither!'

Shelob's voice had a musing quality to it. 'Oh a little bird told me THEN I ATE IT, BUR BUR BUR! …………………………I apologize. Sometimes it's easy to forget social graces.  After all I've been alone for such a very long time and I'm so very hungry…'

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!' cried the hobbits as they once again started running around in circles.

'But in all honesty I only know your names because I've been tracking you ever since you entered here…'

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!'

'Alright, I won't beat around the bush with it; I am going to eat you.  But, if you think about it, you'll all die someday, so why not get the suspense over with and come here to me,' one long spindly leg gestured as she spoke.  'I'm so very famished, I've naught to eat but careless orcs, and you can just imagine how badly those boys taste!'

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!'

Okay, so the sympathetic approach didn't work.  She decided to go the flattery-route.

'Calm yourselves, please!  After all, you four fine gentlemen are about to receive the highest honor of all!' They stopped running and looked up at her curiously.  Shelob turned her mighty eyes upon Merry. 

((KT SHY: As she speaks, "The Carnival of the Animals" – standard graduation music – plays quietly in the background.))

'Should I eat the wisest?  The most courageous?  The one who leads the team without fail and calls upon all his resources to overcome every obstacle without fail?' she asked sweetly.  Feeling rather good about himself because of the compliments, Merry grinned and snapped his suspenders.

'Or should I eat the strongest… Gimli, the heroic muscle of the group, who never shirks from any challenge and brings his entire Dwarvin might to call without the slightest hesitation…'  At this Gimli nodded in approval.

'Samwise,' she went on, 'the group's heart, who would never choose to leave a friend.  Who'd rather listen to what his heart tells him rather than cold logic…'  Sam blushed at this.

'Or Pippin…………………………………. the shrimp.'

'Oh, that's nice.' Pippin retorted.

For the most part the Small Troop - egos stroked to the maximum - stood around nodding, grinning and feeling quite good about themselves.

If it were anatomically possible for Shelob to smile she would have.  Yup, she thought, still got it!  Then a low rumble originating from her abdomen broke through her reverie.  Lordy, was she starving! 

'Ah screw it, I'll just eat all of you at once!' and with a hiss Shelob crouched down, pincers salivating, ready to spring!

'Whatdowedowhatdowedowhatdowedo!?!?!?' Merry panicked.

'YOU'RE the "resourceful one" think of something!' cried Pippin.

'I only kindly agreed, I never said I was!'

Shelob leapt, but they were all able to successfully dodge as she landed with a loud crunching of cavern floor. 

'Weeeee'ree doooooomed!' Pippin wailed.

Merry's eyes narrowed.  'Pippin, how many blow darts do you have?'

'Huh?'

Shelob turned around, ready to leap again.

'Pippin!' Merry shouted, louder this time.

'Uh… six!'

Merry held out his hand, and Pippin forked over the blow darts.  Merry crouched quickly down onto the ground and from out of his coat pockets pulled out a string, some paper clips, a box of baking soda, a plastic tube and some vinegar.  He reached over, snatched up one of Gimli's throwing axes, and set to work putting everything together.

'Hurry Merry!' Pippin whimpered as Shelob began to charge.

Then Merry stood up, make-shift contraption at the ready. 

'This is what you get for messing with Merry the Resourceful!!!!!!'  He yanked the paper clip which was attached to the string, and with a BANG his rocket-axe launched itself off the ground and up into Shelob's eyeeeeeeeee!

'GAAAAAH!'

'SWEET bloody MERCY!"

"Ahhhhhhhgh!'

'Grossss, ahhhH!'

Shelob screamed, 'IT'S ALWAYS THE BLOODY EYE ISN'T IT!?  What is WITH you fantasy types and always hitting people in the FREAKIN' EYE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?'

She hissed, liquid oozing down from the wound and bubbling upon the cave floor.  Gimli and the hobbits used this opportunity to start running, swerving around the shuddering bulk of the great spider and down through the cave.  After only a minute of running they heard the echo of her voice from somewhere behind. 

'But don't worry… I got plenty more!'

'There's a light up ahead!' Merry shouted, barely audible over the thundering of eight hairy legs coming up from behind.  'We've found an exit!'

'Hurry hobbits,' Gimli shouted, 'Once we're clear off these narrow walls there'll be more space to make our stand!' His gauntleted hand trembled with anticipation around the heavy axe. 

I do believe he's enjoying this, Sam thought to himself.

But upon reaching the exit, they were dismayed to find it was blocked by a monstrous spider web!  As the pounding of legs from behind grew louder, Gimli spun around and whipped his last throwing axe back into the darkness.  FWACK!  Shelob's shriek rang out again, loud and frustrated.  But her pursuit was halted for the moment.

'That'll buy us some time,' Sam cheered. 

'Hurry!' cried Merry, 'Help me cut this blasted web!'

The three hobbits began sawing at it with their swords, but to no avail.  The webbing was too thick.

'Stand back!' shouted Gimli, and they turned just in time to see him mid air, battle-axe mid swing, bearing down upon them.

'AUUUGH!' After screaming in unison, the hobbits dove to the side as all the might of Gimli slammed into the web… further… further……….. further still…then with a grunt Gimli was thrown backwards into the dark as the web sprung back into place; without so much as a nick upon it.  Merry, Sam and Pippin kept their eyes on the last spot they had seen the Dwarf before he was swallowed by the blackness.  The sounds of a scuffle erupted followed by an angry, 'BUR BUR BUR!' and then Gimli came tearing back towards them covered in webbing.

'I'd hurry if I were you!' he wheezed.

Merry turning back to the task at hand said in an inappropriately calm voice, 'Sam, I'm going to need your help with this.'

'Just tell me what to do, Mister Merry.'

Before Pippin even realized what was happening, Merry had a firm hold under his arms and Sam around his ankles, 'Wh… what in the Shire…!?'

'Heave!' At Merry's command, the two larger hobbits chucked Pippin at the web, his Elven belt slicing through the dark matter like butter scraped over too much bread.  Freedom!  Fresh air (well, no not fresh, they were still in Mordor after all, but fresher than the cave none the less) greeted them as they ran out of the tunnel, half blinded by the light of a searing noon-time sun.  Merry hauled Pippin to his feet and soon the hobbits were all speeding away from the horrors of Torech Ungol, past the clearing at its entrance and across a narrow rocky path that was caked in snow.  In fact everything had a fine thick layer of shinning white snow, (Frodo's doing, though they would never know it) but none stopped to ponder the matter.

 'Keep going, you hobbits!' they heard Gimli shout at them.  The Dwarf stood, battle axe at the ready, facing the darkness of the tunnel and waiting for the lady-of-the-house to emerge.  Merry and Pippin didn't have to be told twice, they high-tailed it out of there, leaving little puffs of smoke in their wake.  Sam however, slowed down his run. 

Something tells me I need to be back there.

He stopped completely, and turned around to see Shelob emerge from the darkness, bleeding unnatural blood and cursing unnatural curses and trembling with fury.

'Well lassie!' taunted Gimli, 'Seems you're so angry that all lady-like-ness is gone from yer manners!  Not very appealing to the young gentlemen I'd think!'

'I'LL KILL YOU!' the spider seethed, 'EAT YOU ALL!' 

With a blur, eight legs thundered across the clearing closing the distance between spider and Dwarf.  Gimli wound up with his axe and swung, yet hit nothing but air as Shelob sprung.  Gimli threw his gaze upward ready to fend off the next attack, but the noon time sun cut into his eyes, obscuring his vision all the worse because of the lengthy time spent getting used to darkness.  Shelob landed with a tremendous thud atop the Dwarf, and attempted to crush him with the enormous mass of her bulk.

Gimli struggled with the weight, using both hands to try to push her back but the monstrous arachnid was too heavy. 

Suddenly the pressure stopped with a resounding  fwang! and Shelob rolled off with a hiss.  Gimli looked up to see Sam, wielding a heavy skillet that was still vibrating from the blow he had sent up the side of the spider's head.

'Say no to tatters will you!?' Sam challenged, and then charged again, smashing the pan against Shelob's legs.  She growled more in annoyance than pain, but it was enough time for Gimli to get to his feet, and begin advancing, axe-blade gleaming.

Sam scurried all over the place, ducking under the spider, smacking a leg, circling around, smacking an eye, and so on.  This carried on for a time till the cat-and-mouse game came to a close as Sam prepared to come at the spider from behind but was shot with a long sticky web.  He fell to the ground with a thud, and struggled to free himself but ran out of time.  Shelob loomed over him, her body blocking out all light.  She drew her face closer, her fang-bearing appendage (or chelicerae to all you arachnologists out there) dripping fat droplets of numbing poison, her stinger at the ready.

'I'm going to finish you off nice and slow…' she promised.

Sam shut his eyes tight and thought sadly, I'm sorry I couldn't save you mister Frodo…

But the fangs never touched his skin, rather Shelob screamed aloud in excruciating pain and rolled off from Sam and onto her side.  Upon opening his eyes Sam saw Gimli kneeling beside him, stained axe cutting the webs from the hobbit's body.  'Lucky for you these aren't so thickly woven as the exit was,' the Dwarf muttered.

They both stood up to see Shelob, lacking in two legs on her left side, dragging herself back to the safety of her lair.

 'Well!' exhaled Sam with relief, 'that's done an' over with!'

'Not quite.' said Gimli who was reaching into a chain mail pocket for something.  Sam was at first curious then overcome by a sense of growing repulsion as he realized that Gimli was fastening a bib around his heavily bearded neck.  A bib adorned with a red sea-crustacean woven into the fabric.

'Coming?' Gimli asked, but Sam just shook his head a little more vigorously than was necessary.

'Well, suit yerself!'

Lobster bib set firmly in place, the Dwarf chuckled darkly to himself, and re-entered the darkness of Shelob's lair.  There was a moment of silence, which was then followed by a loud, 'NOOOOOOOOOOO, BUR, BUR, BUR!!!!!'

Twenty minutes later, Gimli emerged from the cave with a large satisfied smile, sucking contentedly on greasy fingers.  Sam gave a visible shudder at the sight.  Casting the bib aside, a thought suddenly struck the Dwarf.  'Now where have those two lads run off to?'

They looked around the snow (and other unmentionable-substance) covered clearing, but Merry and Pippin were nowhere to be seen.  They quickly jogged down the narrow rocky pathway; but still there was no sign of the missing hobbits.

Suddenly, from around the bend they heard the jeering of fell voices.  Sam and Gimli hurried over to have a look, and there saw Merry and Pippin, harnessed like ponies to a large cart and hauling a squadron of whip-cracking, taunting orcs up one of the mountain paths.

'I'm beginning to not like this whole adventure thing, Merry.' Pippin muttered as one of the whips snapped precariously close to his head.

Three seconds later the orcs lay in random messy piles and Gimli began whistling a happily little tune as he chased the last gibbering straggler down.  Sam helped Merry and Pippin out of the harnesses.   They were seconds away from thanking the stout hobbit when out of nowhere a well-fed, blood-lust-fulfilled and genuinely slap-happy Gimli scooped them all up in his two largely muscular (and horribly sweaty) arms.  His grin was wide and he threw back his head and snorted in the air through his great hairy nostrils.

'Smell that lads?  That's the smell of victory!!!'

Pippin who was securely tucked under one offending pit struggled violently, slowed, and then fell still.

'Wow Gimli, thanks ever so much for killing my younger cousin.  Really appreciate it,' muffled Merry, unsuccessfully trying to escape the dwarf's clutches.

 So, they were officially in Mordor now.  It wasn't so much the look as the feeling of the place that really emphasized their crossing borders into that hellish land.  It just felt wrong being there. 

Gimli set to work cleaning the blade of his axe with snow as Sam and Merry took in their surroundings, while Pippin lay in a wheezing pile on the ground. 

'Frightful isn't it.' said Merry without question.

Sam nodded in agreement, but showed no regret in being there.  If Frodo was out there somewhere, Sam was resolved to brave anything to be once again reunited with the gentle hobbit.

Unfriendly terrain greeted them with every gaze.  Even the concealing blanket of gradually melting snow couldn't disguise the sharp jagged rock teeth that struck up from the ground.  And in the distance Mount Doom belched out molten mucus and snorted sulfur smoke.

'Well,' said Merry, 'our current enemies have been defeated, we're inside Mordor ready to continue our search for Frodo, and haven't lost any limbs or group members … I'd say everything seems to have come nicely together.'

 'Not everything….' said Sam.

Meanwhile… Back at Helms Deep

'Aww man,' said Legolas, 'I dropped my pants…'

Back in Mordor

'… everything.' repeated Merry.

KT SHY:  Aaaaand, that's it!  Oh lordy am I tired.  Anywayz, the next chapter refocuses on Sauron (still in Frodo's body for those of you who haven't been following the plot) and our favourite little… oh wait!  I mustn't spoil it!  Moo hoo waahhahaha!   I'll most likely not start writing that one until after I've seen "Return of the King".  YEEEK I'm SO excited!  Are you excited?  I'm excited!!!!

Quick Notes: Of course I know that Shelob doesn't say much (of anything) in the book/film… but who cares??? Ha ha!  Time-wise, I figured that the biggest part of the snow assault on Helms Deep was launched while the small troop was wandering around for hours in the tunnel.  The worst part of the storm had already ended as they left the cave.  Hence Mordor, where the storm originated, is still covered, yet Mount Doom is working hard at melting the cheery-stuff… what a kill-joy.

Shagster: Hooooooly smokes!  Get EyeToy.  Get a foam sword.  Play the ninja attack on hard mode.  Relive the battle of Helms Deep!  (Fun fact: I've been celibate of buying a PS2 for 3 years now………………… but the ninjas forced me to.  To buy it.  And Socoms…. and Time Crisis…

(cough)

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