Legolas and the Really Messed-Up Fanfic

Chapter 1: Legolas the Insomniac

* I hate school. I really hate school. I really, really hate school. I really, really, really— *

"Are you going to write anything else?"

"Huh?"

I started, then turned around. Sure enough, there he was: Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood and resident lady-killer, reading over my shoulder again.

"It's two in the morning", was the smartest thing I could say.

"And you should be sleeping."

"As should you."

For a second, we glared at each other. Then, Legolas sighed. "I couldn't sleep. Bad dreams."

"…right. What was it this time, Gimli trying to take over the world?"

He made a face. "No, it was something far worse than that."

"You were getting married?"

He nodded.

"To who?"

Legolas shuddered, "You do not want to know. Anyway, what are you doing up at this hour?"

I motioned towards the desk. "Maths homework."

He crossed his arms, "Really. Writing 'School stinks' over and over again is your maths homework, right?"

"Well, no, but I was getting bored. I've been up since midnight, and to be honest with you I'm plain dumb at this stuff. So there."

"Okay…"

I could see he wanted to say something, but couldn't find his words, or enough courage to do it, so I decided to help him out. "What do you want, anyway?"

You'd almost say this is the jackpot question of 'Who wants to be a millionaire'. Legolas sighed, said, "Well, I—", and that was the end of that.

"I'm not psychic. Try words and phrases."

He sighed. "Well, I saw you're up, so I—thought we'd have a little talk."

I looked at my watch. "Which has been taking five minutes of my life already. How little did you indent to make this talk again?"

"You're imposibble."

"Yes I am."

"Anyway. I've been surfing on fanfiction.net lately--"

"…egomaniac…"

"—and I couldn't help but notice how many authors have stories where I'm the main character."

"So?"

"Since you're a fanfiction author, think you could write me into a little story that will not give me a headache when I read it?"

So that was it, huh. Legolas wanted me to write a story about him. Great…

"Look", I said, "I don't write standalones."

"Oh yes you do."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do. I know you do." There was something in his tone of voice that I did not like. "I read some of your little Boromir stories the other day."

Crash! Boom! Bang! That was my universe falling to pieces. If Boromir got his hands on any of those stories…

"They were incripted!" I did my best to sound calm. "How did you find the password?"

"It was pretty obvious."

Note to self: 'Boromir4king' is a dumb idea for a password. Change it as soon as possible.

"I liked them, I must say. Except for the one with Faramir and the cake. That was disturbing."

"You read that one, too?"

"Yup."

I'm dead.

"Look. What must I do to get such a story?"

"Like the one with Faramir and the cake?"

"NO! A nice, decent, little story. Is that too much to ask?"

Just then, there was a knock on the door. "C'min", I said.

The door opened, and Boromir came in. "I brought you coffee", he said, putting a coffee mug on my desk. "I figured you might need it."

"Thanks. You're sweet."

"Anytime. If you need anything else, just page me. I'll be in the living."

"Okay."

Boromir saluted (well, sorta), then left. Legolas was staring blakly at the door.

"So, this is what I must do, huh."

"What?"

"Bring you coffee in the middle of the night."

"Umm, no, that's not—" Suddenly, a very evil thought formed in my mind. "Look. How bad do you want that story?"

He glared at me again. "Not that bad. Why?"

"Bad enough to do my maths homework for me?"

"You're on."

We switched places; he sat down at my desk, and I flopped on the couch. "Okay, so what kind of story do you want?"

"I don't know. Something about Mirkwood and my father and all that. I really miss home, you know."

"Don't get nostalgic on me. Should I include any Mary-Sues?"

"Hell no! Please, no!"

"Okay. Any slash?"

"No."

"A death scene then?"

He looked ready to throw the maths book at me. "No."

"Extreme violence? Mush? NC-17?"

"Are you mocking me?"

"Okay, okay, I got the point. So you want just a simple story about Mirkwood and your father and yourself and… stuff. That OK?"

"Err?"

"Fine then. Be quiet, author at work."

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A/N: So, what's the point of this? I haven't got a clue J Okay, just kidding. It's supposed to introduce another fanfic. Well, kinda. Stay tuned, things are about to get evil… tee hee. And please review! Pretty please? Thank you!