Chapter 4: Legolas and the Magical Kiss, part two

My fanfic was going OK, the cookies were great, Legolas was almost done with my homework, and Boromir was reading Vogue. A perfect group picture. Only my native luck is a sworn enemy to perfection.

My cellphone beeped again. Boromir motioned to get it, but I held up a finger.

"Nah-uh. Don't."

"It could be someone else…"

"It's three in the morning."

"A quarter past three". That was Legolas. "And, by the way, your homework's done."

"Okay, a quarter past three in the morning. It doesn't matter, I still won't answer it."

"You sure?"

I sighed, "Positive."

Legolas went silent for a moment. "Does your cellphone have voice mail?" he asked finally.

"Yes, why—drat."

Just then, my recorded message begun to play…

'Hello, this is Odeena Skywalker Almàrien speaking, and you've just dialed my number. I'm currently taking over the world, so leave a message after the beep, and I'll call you back. If you're Paul or Marshall, don't bother. I won't call you back.'

That was embarrassing. And I mean, embarrassing.

"Nice message", said Boromir with a grin.

"Ssh!" Legolas had an evil look on his face. "Let's hear the message!"

'Odeena, this is Paul. Look, I know I've been a jerk when I left you, but I really want to make it up to you!'

"He left you?" whispered Boromir.

"Yes", I whispered back. "But I really, really don't want to talk about it."

"I see."

'…so please, please call me back! I only want to talk! Well… bye, I hope you'll forgive me in time.'

"I will destroy that thing", I growled. "Right now."

I stood up, but Boromir quickly caught my hand.

"Not… right now. You have a fanfic to finish. You can destroy it in the morning."

"Or give it to Gollum", cut in Legolas. "Basically it would be the same thing."

I sighed. "Okay, but let's all pretend that the past five minutes never occurred. Now be quiet."

Legolas shrugged, then sat down next to Boromir and begun to read over his shoulder. Not long after, my fanfic was done… all evil. Legolas was definitely not going to like this…

"Try me", said the elf when I warned him. "I assure you, I'm quite resistant."

"Just don't pass out."

"Okay… huh? Hey what do you--"

Legolas and the Magical Kiss

~ part two ~

Things of the Unexpected

When Legolas came round, his first thought was that everything had been just a bad dream. He was lying on his bed, and the moon was shining brightly just outside his window.

"It was all a dream…" Legolas jumped out of bed and started to do a happy dance. "It was all a dream!" he repeated, over and over again. "I should've known", he said after a while, panting and leaning on his closet for support. "My father would never ask me something like that. Never."

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, and an elf maiden entered without waiting for an invitation. When she saw that Legolas was awake, she blushed deeply. "I… you… the king… you must… it is time…"

Legolas raised an eyebrow. Apart from the fact that he was - as he noticed for the first time - wearing his bunny pajamas, it was still very early in the morning and there was a young maiden staring at him and babbling nonsense. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded, trying to sound offended.

"The King… sent for you… it is… time…" The maiden drew in a sharp breath after every word.

"Time? Time for what?"

"For… for the sacrifice! I… thought… you knew!"

Legolas was starting to sweat. "Gollum…?" he said, choking.

"Yes! And you must fulfill his last request!"

"I'll be there." Much to his surprise, Legolas' voice was calm. "Now go."

The maiden rushed out and slammed the door. Legolas promptly collapsed on his bed.

"No", he mumbled. "I won't do it. They can't make me do it. I'll never do it. No, no, no."

A thought came over him. "This is still a dream!" he shouted, then he pinched his arm. He barely resisted the urge not to scream. Everything was as real as it gets.

"My father's gonna kill me if I don't do it", came a new thought. "So I better get dressed and go… and… Okay, I'm not gonna think about it. Maybe Gollum changed his mind. Oh, Valar…"

Five minutes later, a very nervous Legolas was being lead by the maiden that had come to wake him up earlier.

"This way… to… the dungeons…"

"Since when do we have dungeons?"

The maiden stopped abruptly. "I don't know!" she said, sounding extremely surprised. "That's where king Thranduil told me to take you, but--"

"You… don't know?" Suddenly, Legolas was in hysterics. "Okay, haha… you… hahaha… you can't lead me there… haha… then I'll… hahaha… I'll just…"

"Ah, there you were! Come on, time's a wasting!" That was king Thranduil, who was still panting. He was wearing his crown and scepter, and he looked extremely pleased with himself.

Legolas reacted promptly: he fainted again.

~

This time, Legolas woke up in an unknown place, which reminded him of the caves he and Gimli had visited at Helm's Deep. "I'm in the dungeons", he thought.

Then he saw Gollum. The creature was a few feet away from him, standing between two guards and glaring at him. Legolas pulled back abruptly.

"Nice of you to join us", said Thranduil as he helped Legolas stand. "Now, if you don't mind…"

Gollum nodded enthusiastically. Legolas looked around. Apart from him, Thranduil, Gollum and the guards, there was nobody else there… nobody could save him now. He cursed under his breath; then again, tradition was tradition, and anyone who didn't follow it was banished from Mirkwood. And Legolas knew his father well enough to know that he wouldn't hesitate to banish him if he didn't obey Gollum's last request.

"Okay… I'll… do it."

Gollum hissed, "Yesss, Preciousss! We wantsss it! A kisss! A kisss!"

"Let's just get… get this over with…" Legolas swallowed hard, then closed his eyes and kneeled. The next thing he knew, he was kissing Gollum, only… it didn't feel so bad. In fact, it didn't feel bad at all. It was rather pleasant. Legolas opened his eyes in surprise, only to find that Gollum was gone. Instead, he was holding the most beautiful maiden he had ever seen…

Thranduil and the guards cracked up laughing. "Surprise!" shouted the king. "You're on candid camera!"

"Gotcha'!" said one of the guards.

Legolas jumped up. "You mean--who is this?"

The maiden smiled, "I'm Samantha. You kiss good, for a beginner."

"And… and Gollum?"

"He escaped two days ago", said Thranduil. "By the Valar, you are sooo easy…"

Legolas couldn't tell exactly how he felt. On one hand, he was so furious he could have easily killed everyone else in the cell. On the other hand, that had been the most beautiful kiss he had ever experienced… So, he did the smartest thing he could think of: he passed out again.

~The End~

"Well?"

Legolas looked ready to kill me. "You said I won't have to kiss Gollum in the fanfic", he growled.

"And you didn't", said Boromir, chuckling. "Bunny pajamas… I can totally picture that in my mind…"

"Shut up", growled Legolas. "Before I hurt you."

"So I understand you liked it then?"

"…if I say no, will that hurt your feelings?"

"Yes."

"Well, I--no."

"Oh." I turned my back on him, pretending to be hurt. "Okay then, mister 'I-don't-like-Odeena's-fanfics', how about a story where you really kiss Gollum?"

"NO! Please, don't! Not another story! I'll do anything! Anything! Pleeeeease!"

I'd never seen Legolas so desperate before. So, I guess that's it with Legolas and the evil fanfics. But - that doesn't mean I can't rant on about someone else…

"Anything?" I asked sweetly.

He narrowed his eyes, "What are you up to?"

"Me? Oh, nothing, it's just that - well, I still have a physics homework to do, and then an essay, and then--"

"All right, I got the point. Where's the homework?"

"Here it is! You can start with this", I said, giving him my physics notebook. "And write as pretty as you can. My teach' kinda likes that."

He muttered something - it was in Elvish, but it sounded vaguely like Auta miqule Orcu, which meant "Go kiss an orc".

"What was that, elf?"

"…nothing?"

"He told you to go kiss an orc." Boromir was looking extremely smug. "Does that mean you're gonna write another story with him? I'm starting to like these!"

"Hmm… maybe… one story where Legolas is the hero. How's that sound, elf?"

Legolas shrugged.

"Okay then… stand by for another fanfic. And Boromir, I want more coffee."

Thirty-nine seconds later, Boromir was handing me another cup of coffee. I took a sip.

"Thanks, B., you rule."

"No, you rule."

"Stop, you're making me blush."

"Really?"

I giggled, "No. But it could happen, you know."

"Oh."

"Get a room", said a very annoyed Legolas. "In case you didn't realize, I've got a homework to do."

__________

A/N: Sorry for the wait. This is all school's doing… evil thing… grr. Anyway, how's that for part two? I wrote it at three in the morning, so don't go hard on me J Thanks for reviewing go to:

Wrier From Rivendell: Umm, actually… no, they weren't meant to be there. I type mostly at night, and I make typos sometimes. Sorry. I'll be more careful from now on - I usually check what I wrote, but a few mistakes kinda just… slip… J

Undomiel: I know what you mean. It happens to me, too. Humor fics do that to a person… even a sane one… *grin*

hAdOwCat: Here's part two! I hope you like it… J Originally, I was going to have Legolas really kiss Gollum, but there is still some pitty left in me… J

Hael: I suppose that would be an honorable death for a writer… J

Dagger of the Mind: I see you reviewed, but I didn't answer… sorry, I must've missed it out. Thanks for the appreciation! J