Legolas and the Really Messed-Up Fanfic!

by Odeena Skywalker

Chapter 6: The Long-Awaited Story of Faramir and the Cake

Fifteen minutes passed by, and Legolas had yet to show himself. I began to hope, against all hope, that the elf had somehow been eaten by a balrog, and wasn't coming back at all.

Yeah, right. Like I'd get that lucky. Just as I was thinking of a new story, one where I got to pummel the elf to death, he came back in, a very smug grin on his face. "Sorry it took me so long", he began, "but I brought someone else who may be interested in this story…" He stepped away, and let a very sleepy Faramir enter the room.

I slapped my forehead. "Legolas, you twit…"

"What was that?"

I scolded at him. "Twit", I mouthed, then I noticed that he held several sheets of paper covered in printed characters. Oh, no. "Legolas, if you dare…"

"Dare what? Read the story? Why, this is just what I was about to do!"

"What's so bad about that story?" Boromir interjected. "I mean, it's not anything NC-17 or stuff now, is it?"

"No, of course it isn't!" I retorted, offended. "It's just… plain stupid."

"Then let's hear it!"

I sighed resignedly. "Fine, elf. Go ahead. Embarrass me to death."

Legolas cleared his throat. "Allrighty. Here it goes."

The Incredible Story of Prince Faramir and the Cake

At he heard the title, Faramir's head snapped up, Boromir raised an eyebrow, and Gollum chuckled in that creepy manner of his. I buried my head in my hands and began to think of all the sharp and pointy things I knew I could find around the house. Legolas wouldn't live to see the sunrise. For that, I could bet my life.

As Prince Boromir of Gondor prepared to celebrate his twenty-fifth birthday, his father, King Denethor, decided to give him a very special celebration. Therefore, every skilled baker, confectioner, decorator and musician in Gondor was summoned - in great secrecy, of course. The top moment of the evening would be, of course, the birthday cake. However, apart from the 'classic' twenty-five-candle cake, King Denethor decided, at the suggestion of his younger son Faramir, to have another cake baked for his son - this one with a certain 'surprise' inside. It is in the time between the baking of the cake and the big moment that it would be delivered that our story begins…

"I like the way it starts", said Boromir, chuckling. "You know, at my twenty-fifth birthday, I did have two cakes. We used one for cream-fighting."

"You did." My voice showed more enthusiasm than I felt at the moment. "Who won?"

"Um… let's not get into that, okay?"

I shrugged. "Okay. Don't tell me."

"I did." That was Faramir, who had apparently snapped out of his sleep-like trance.

Boromir made a face. "Sure. Whatever."

"Sibling rivalry", I muttered with another shrug.

"People, people! I'm reading a story here!"

"You are? I didn't know!" I teased. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Sorry", Boromir said. "Do go on, this is interesting."

I growled.

"Prince Faramir, the cake is done."

Faramir nodded absently towards the cook. "Bring in the girl and put her in as we agreed", he said before resuming his conversation with several elders. At the same time, he gave a mental sigh. Of all the things to do at a party, here he was, discussing politics and such things with people who were at least twice as old as he was. And all this while his brother was the center of attention… 'An undeserved and unwelcomed attention', he thought sullenly. For a second he pictured himself in his brother's place, receiving congratulations and wishes of health and happiness.

The voice of the cook brought him back to here and now. "Pardon me, your majesty, but we have no girl."

This was enough to catch Faramir's attention. "What do you mean, you have no girl?"

The cook squirmed uneasily. "She… eh… she ran away with… with… someone… I can't find her."

"Then find another!" Faramir smiled sheepishly at the elders before shoving the confused cook away. "Um, sorry. It happens."

However, about fifteen minutes later, the cook returned. Faramir rolled his eyes; he was just about to make his move on a pretty blonde, and in the instant that his attention was distracted, the girl decided she'd had enough of him and left to join the cortege that surrounded his brother. "Now what?"

"Your majesty, none of the girls will accept to…"

"Are you sure?" The question was a dumb one, and Faramir knew it.

"Well, there is one…"

"Fine, put her in."

"But sire, she doesn't /fit/ in."

"Um… right." For a second, Faramir pictured a fat Viking lady jumping out of his brother's cake… then shrugged the idea off. "Okay, let's see then…"

"Why don't you go in?"

Faramir turned, a not-too-polite remark on his lips, only to stare into the imposing face of his father. "Who… me?"

"Yes. You. We'll dress you up as a girl. Nobody will know the difference."

The irony was obvious in his voice; still, Faramir knew better than to disobey him. If this was another of his father's whims, then he had to obey, or else. He sighed, then slumped his shoulders. "Very well, father… I will…" He sighed miserably, and Denethor smirked, then turned to a man who had waited behind him the whole time, "Prepare him."

"That sounds cool", Boromir interjected again. Faramir had a particularly nasty expression on his face, and I guessed that, sooner or later, I'd have to pay dearly for this. Gollum was already rolling on the floor with laughter. Legolas went on, despite my glares, but not before giving a hint of a warning.

"Hang on, here comes the really cool part."

"Son - I must say, I am proud of you."

That was the beginning of King Denethor's speech. Everyone stopped whatever they were doing and focused their attention on the king and his first-born.

"In these twenty-five, you've achieved what others could not. You've brought glory to the kingdom of Gondor, and made the mighty Horn resound gloriously on the battlefields time and again."

Boromir bowed slightly, acknowledging the praise.

"And to reward all this, we have prepared a… let's say, / unusual / gift for you."

Denethor clapped his hands, and two cooks brought forward his newly-made cake. Boromir raised an eyebrow, pleasantly surprised, and Denethor chuckled. "Just wait to see what's inside."

This was the signal. The top of the cake opened, and a tall, well-built woman popped out, crying, "Happy birthday!"

For a second, everyone stared, including Boromir and Denethor; then, all as one, everyone cracked up. Faramir cursed under his breath and rubbed his chin, then paused. Although Denethor's stylists had epilated his arms, legs and chest (and a painful process it was, too), covered his face in make-up and dressed him accordingly, they had left out a small detail…

They had forgotten to shave his beard.

"The end", Legolas finished smugly. This was the signal: everyone, including Faramir, cracked up. Boromir was doubled over, laughing so hard that he couldn't even breathe; as for Faramir, his mouth was wide open, and he was gasping for breath, also laughing. Legolas was laughing, too, a display of feelings rarely seen at him. Soon, I found myself laughing, too.

"Good one, Odeena!"

Legolas stopped laughing abruptly and glared at Boromir, jaw hanging. "What?"

"I said, 'Good one, Odeena'. What?"

"You're gonna tell me you actually liked it?"

"Sure! It was great!"

"You too…?" Legolas asked, turning to Faramir.

He nodded, still not able to speak coherently. Legolas banged his head on the table, and Boromir shook my hand vigorously. I grinned widely; then, I asked for a pen and a notebook. This caught Legolas' attention.

"What for?" he asked, eyeing me suspiciously.

I smiled sweetly at him. "Payback."

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A/N: Aaaand here it is - the Long Awaited Story of Faramir and the Cake! I hope you liked it! There's much more coming soon! And, on other news, my fanfiction / fanart website REvolution is REopen J, so if you want, you can check it out at . Thanks for reviewing go to:

Lobo Diablo Lone Wolf: Thank you, thank you very much! Here's the story! Hope you liked it!

anonymous: I updated.

KnowInsight: Thanks! There may be a while until the next chap is out, because I'll be entering lotsa school contests this semester, and I'll have very little time to write. Still, stay tuned!

Lady Hael: Sooo, you got the TBOD on the Internet? Hmm, I oughta search for it, too. ^_^