Legolas and the Really Messed-Up Fanfic!

by Odeena Skywalker

Chapter 7: The Secret Crush of Legolas, part one

Using your fanfics to get back at someone is no easy job. It resembles a lot to a very delicate surgery, if you will. You need to stay focused, because the smallest blooper you make can backfire and make you the one everyone laughs at. But there's also a good side to it: the people around you - in my case, Boromir and Faramir (since Legolas was too busy with my homework and muttering nasty stuff under his breath and Gollum was out to take a shower after Boromir had spent ten minutes trying to convince him to do so and I had promised him a nice and long fanfic where he gets the 'preciousss', those two were the only ones that counted) - are more than eager to help. And these two had a very original idea when it came to the true meaning of the word 'help'.

"So, 'Deena, need any… erm, inspiration? Because I have this great idea, listen…"

"Hey, know what? I just thought of something! Why don't you…"

"You know, you could do this… it would definitely spice the story up…"

"Want me to get you some coffee? I can see you're all out and… y'know…"

"How about some sandwiches? I'm sure you're hungry after so much creative work!"

"Let me get you a real pencil, that thing ain't worthy of you."

It didn't take long before they really got on my nerves, and I had to threaten them that I'll write them into a romance fic with Britney Spears and Christina Aguillera as their respective partners. At this, Boromir gave me an answer that left me jaw-hanging.

"Couldn't you write us into a romance fanfic with the Teletubbies instead? That would be way more fun…"

"I swear, you never cease to amaze me", I answered, startled.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Gee, thanks!"

"No problem. Now shut up." I turned to Boromir. "Both of you."

"Okay", they answered in unison, and I sighed with relief. Then I resumed writing, and my ideas got more evil by the minute. Soon, I was done with the first part, and eager to see the look on the elf's face when I read it. So…

"Boromir, Faramir--" I turned to Legolas "--elf… first part's done."

The looks on Boromir and Faramir's faces were absolutely hilarious. Legolas rolled his eyes, "Whatever."

"You sure 'bout it? Because you may very soon change your impression, y'know…"

"I can only repeat what I said."

"Oh yeah? We'll see…"

The Secret Crush of Legolas

~  part one ~

Once upon a time, there lived a fanfiction author with too many pennames: Odeena Skywalker, Anne Shard, Silversky, Marmalade, You-Know-Who… and the list could go on. Odeena (out of convenience, we'll use this name) lived in a big house with her big and happy family… well, that's a big lie. Like any self-respecting couple, her parents had three children: Scott, Odeena's elder brother, who plays no major part in this story, Odeena, and Laurie, Odeena's psychotic little sister and worst nightmare.

One day, out of boredom, Odeena used her Allmighty Author Superpowers to summon the entire cast of the movie 'Lord of the Rings' at her house. After that, boredom was out of the picture for good, as keeping a lid on things required a lot of time and energy. Still, everyone was happy, every day brought on new and exciting things, and no major conflicts occurred… that said, until the most unexpected thing happened: Legolas, the elven prince of Mirkwood, who had sworn to remain a bachelor for all eternity, fell in love.

"Ooh, this is getting interesting!" Faramir interjected with a wide grin. "With who?"

"I'm just getting to that. Be quiet."

Just then, there was a knock on the door, then Gollum slithered in, draped in a lavender gown, which I guessed it belonged to my sister, and smelling all pretty. Without a word, he climbed on an armchair and beckoned me to read on, and so I did.

Legolas managed to keep his love a secret for a while. Surely, a few of Legolas' closest friends noticed something strange about him, but he refused to tell them who was the (un)lucky one who had claimed his heart. Although there were only four girls in the house, guessing who it was turned out to be a hard job. There were five possible options: Arwen - which would have explained Legolas' unfriendly behavior towards Aragorn lately, Èowyn - although the two hardly ever spoke to each other, Galadriel - although she was a good five thousand years older than him, Odeena - which would have been pretty unexpected, and Laurie - an alternative which seemed the least likely to be the correct one.

After thinking very hard about it, one of Legolas' elven friends, Haldir of Lòrien, decided to very subtly find out who his crush was, and then, if possible, help him out. And it didn't take him long before he found an opportunity to carry out his plan...

"So, tell me, Legolas… have you had any recent… trouble with Aragorn?"

"Brawls…?"

"Yeah, you know, like trying to beat him at something and prove you're the best, or pick on him for something unimportant, or… stuff?"

"No."

"And you don't feel the need to do it, either?"

"No, why should I?"

"Umm… never mind."

'So this leaves Arwen out of question', thought Haldir, 'otherwise he'd show some resentment towards Aragorn. One down…'

"All right then, tell me… what about Èomer?"

"What about him?"

"You're good buddies, aren't you?"

"Where'd you come up with that from? I haven't spoken to him in more than a week! Really, Haldir, you're acting all strange, you know that?"

"…and you don't plan to make friends with him any time soon, do you?"

"I don't know, and frankly I don't care. What are you up to?"

"Nothing, why would I be up to anything? By the way, did you see Èowyn's new dress? She looks really stunning."

Legolas shrugged.

'So it's now Èowyn, either.'

"Listen, I've been thinking… do you miss Lothlòrien?"

"Miss… Lothlòrien? No offense, Haldir, but why should I?"

"Gee, I don't know… maybe because of someone there?"

"Someone? Look, you're really starting to annoy me. What's this all about?"

'Not Galadriel, either… Which can only mean…'

"Okay, you're busted. Admit it. You like Odeena."

Legolas blinked. "What?"

"If it's not Arwen, Èowyn or Galadriel, then it's got to be her! I got it!"

Legolas sighed, then rolled his eyes. "Haldir, you are such an idiot."

"Why? Because I found out your little secret?"

"No, you didn't. In fact, you're really close to the answer… but it's not her."

"Come on, Legolas…"

"It's not her", the elf stressed out.

"Who, then? Jennifer Lopez?"

Legolas sighed dreamily. "No, Haldir… You don't get it… It's Laurie."

~ To Be Continued ~

"Laurie?!" Boromir exclaimed, looking startled. "Laurie?! You made Legolas fall in love with her?! Bwahahahaha!" - he cracked up, and began to roll on the floor with laughter, while Faramir panted for breath. Golum was holding his belly and was laughing so hard his face was turning purple; as for Legolas, he blinked once, twice… then sighed. "I hate you."

"Really? What happened to 'Whatever'? To 'I don't care?' To 'You won't hurt me?"

"I hate you", he repeated politely. "Very much."

"Well, don't hate me just yet, elf. I'm not done yet."

"Yeah, sure you're n--what?!"

I brushed a lock of hair behind my ear, then resumed writing. "You'll be in for a surprise, Legolas… Just you wait…"

The elf looked miserably between me and the laughing trio. "You're evil."

"Yes, I am."

"At least promise me I won't get to… (he shuddered) kiss her."

"We'll see, elf. We'll see."

Legolas promptly banged his head on the table again.

__________________________

A/N: Oh my Gosh! Nineteen! Nineteen reviews! Oh wow! *faints* Seriously now, this has never happened to me before! Thank you! As usual, I hope you liked this chapter… stay tuned for more, and remember to review! Oh, and, by the way, the dates about my family are just a figment of my imagination. I have no psychotic little sister (instead I have a psychotic little cousin that's more than I need), and I don't live in a house, either. And I don't know how much older Galadriel is than Legolas, I just took a wild guess. Aaaand now come the review responses… ^_^

KnowInsight: Thanks!

rangerrider: Well, this story is intended as a parody of all the clichès in Legolas fanfics. Glad you like the idea!

WildsWander: Of course I'll keep writing. Thanks!

Stewardess of Gondor: Thank you for your lovely reviews! And yes, I can have Legolas and Boromir at my house - by the might of my Author Superpower! If you want, you can borrow Gollum and put him in your sister's bed. I'm sure he wouldn't mind! And finally, you were that pretty blonde Boromir was talking to? I must compliment you: nice dress! Thanks again! …oh, and by the way, what does 'ROFLMAOKAS' mean…?Because I have no idea… ^_^

Brilover: Sure thing. Come to think about it, I e-mailed you already! ^_^

Aerlene: Update for the love of Legolas…? Okie-dokie, although I'm pretty sure he hates it when I update. At least I think that's why he hides his head under a paper bag every time I post a new chapter.

kaya: Well, Stewardess of Gondor wants to borrow Gollum, you want to borrow the rest of the Fellowship… since I am the Allmighty Author, I say you can! Except for Legolas of course. He still has my homework to finish.

Samus: Yes, I know this isn't the best fic ever… *sigh*… but I guess everyone has a different oppinion on what the best fic would be like. And you're right about that 'first kiss' thing.

Celtic Dawn Star: Thank you!

ApocalypticPyro: Favorite story…? Wow, thanks! Of course there will be a sequel… as soon as I finish this story! But don't worry, I have many more chapters planned!

Jeni: I hope you didn't have to wait too long! ^_^

Cake LOVER: How could I not…? I mean, if I stopped writing, it would mean either that I'm dead, or that I'll die at the hands of an angry mob of rewiewers! ^_^

Undomiel: Sadly, I didn't see ROTK yet. But, I must agree with you - Aragorn is sexy!

Laurana: Umm, sorry, must've missed that out… Whad does 'Varda' mean?