Chapter 3: "Ah, Peanuts"
Brian wakes up. He is cold.
"I'm freezing my bare ass off. Where the hell am I?"
He looks around. The walls are red and there is a small arched entrance that leads out into the yard. He steps out.
"Wait, wait, wait - I'm outside?! Someone's going to pay dearly for this little foul up."
He bends over in order to fit through the door.
"A dog house? Wait a second ... just where the heck is this place? That's not the house. Fenced in, gonna need a better view," he climbs atop the red dog house. A small yellow bird flies down and starts whistling at him, "What the hell do you want?"
It continues to whistle.
"Look buddy, I don't know what in the world you are saying. If you are going to live in this country, you can at least learn the language."
A small, bald headed kid walks out from the house toward them.
"Finally, some service around here," he hops down, "Hey kid, can you tell me where the hell this place is?"
The kid speaks, "What is it Snoopy?"
"Snoopy? Look minime, my name is Brian. I live with the Griffins."
"Are you hungry boy?"
"I'm lost and a little pissed off. Just tell me where I am."
"Do you want me to get you something to eat?" he points at the food dish.
Brian picks up the dish and uses it to point at Charlie Brown in a threatening manner, "I want you to tell me where the hell I am!"
Charlie Brown takes the dish and walks off.
"If that has Kibbles, or Puppy Chow when you get back, I am going to whack you a good one! And get me a drink!"
Lionel walks up sucking his thumb and carrying his blanket over his shoulder and says, "Hello Snoopy."
"Finally, somebody else - hey kid, can you tell me where I am?"
"You better not be thinking of taking my blanket."
"No, but I'm seriously thinking of mauling every last one of you. Now, is this Quahog?"
"I won't let you have it."
"You'll find I won't be that conserving. Will you just answer my question?"
"It's mine and I'm putting my foot down."
"Brain nabs the blue blanket quickly and holds it, ready to rip it in half.
"Hey! Let go!" yells Lionel.
"What? This? What are you? Nine? And you still have an emotional security blanket? You probably still wet the bed too, huh?" comments Brian.
"Come on!"
"You have till the count of three to answer my questions before I rip this thing a new one. Now, show me where the phone is so I can get the hell out of here."
Lionel starts crying, "whaaaaa!!!"
"Great, now you're gonna cry. Well, here is something to sob over!" he rolls the towel up and starts whacking Lionel on the ass really hard. Lionel grabs his butt and starts running off. "Come back here you little rodent," says Brian.
Charlie Brown walks back up.
"Oh, it's you again," he looks in the dish Charlie Brown is holding.
"Here you go."
"What is this? My god, you got to be kidding me. There's nothing, but dog food in here. I can't eat this!"
"Enjoy."
"What are you? Deaf? And where the hell is that drink I asked for?"
"Is that Linus's blanket?"
"Are you even fucking listening to me?"
They stare at each other. Brian slaps him really hard. Charlie Brown opens his mouth in surprise, backs up and rubs his cheek. He runs back to the house.
"Yeah, you better start running. When you return, there had better be a cell phone in those soft hands. And bring me a Vodka! Hard on the rocks!"
He climbs back atop the dog house with the dish in hand. He places the dish down and bends up. He puts his right hand over his eyes and looks around. He looks back down. The yellow bird is eating his food.
"Oh no you don't," he takes the dish away.
The bird twerps at him.
"You heard the bubble headed monstrosity, this is mine. Why don't you go eat some worms or something?"
It continues to twerp at him loudly.
"Stop it," it still sounds off, "I mean it."
It doesn't stop. He leans in and they both give each other dirty looks. He finally takes his second finger and flicks the bird really hard. It goes sailing away after letting out a little yelp.
He walks up to the house and tries the door. Locked.
"All right, time to find a grown up," he walks across the lawn and to the front of the house. He sees a stand headed by a little girl. He approaches.
"Yeah, I'll have a martini with a twist of lemon."
"Hi, welcome to Lucy's Lemonade Enterprises. It'll be five cents for a small and ten cents for a large. What'll you have?"
"You mean you don't have liquor? Just cheap Dollar Store Neat-Aid? What kind of bar keep are you?" says Brian.
"Sir, if you're having trouble deciding, I ask that you please step to the side and let the other customers order."
Brian looks behind him. No one is there, "Gosh, you're not going to be helpful either. Look, I need some help..."
Lucy reaches up and flips the lemonade sign. It says: Help - Five Cents. She puts a money cup on the counter and puts down a "Open" sign.
Great ... where am I?"
She taps the cup.
He reaches down and pulls up a nickel.
"What? Yeah, I know I don't have any pants. Let's just pretend otherwise," he dumps the coin in, "so what city is this?"
"Where are we really? Do any of us exist? Or are we just travelers passing through time?"
He pulls out another nickel and throws it at her, "Here, get a job."
He walks over to the next house and knocks on the door. Someone answers.
"It's about time! I have been lost and trying to find out where I am. I've been pestered by this bald kid, harassed by a wiener kid and a damn yellow bird tried to eat my food. Can you help me?"
The person shakes he head.
"Thank god. Please, can you tell me how to get to Quahog?"
The lady replies, "Whah, whah waa whah..."
He slaps his face like the kid in Home Alone and Walter Murphy does a quick repetition of Bernard Herrmann's Psycho "Shower Scene" music.
Brian wakes up on the kitchen table.
"Oh ... it was just a dream. I guess I'm all right then," he stands up, forgetting he is on the table. It falls over on it's side. Brian hits the floor.
"Damnit," he says and right then the wine bottle smashes upon his head.
Brian wakes up. He is cold.
"I'm freezing my bare ass off. Where the hell am I?"
He looks around. The walls are red and there is a small arched entrance that leads out into the yard. He steps out.
"Wait, wait, wait - I'm outside?! Someone's going to pay dearly for this little foul up."
He bends over in order to fit through the door.
"A dog house? Wait a second ... just where the heck is this place? That's not the house. Fenced in, gonna need a better view," he climbs atop the red dog house. A small yellow bird flies down and starts whistling at him, "What the hell do you want?"
It continues to whistle.
"Look buddy, I don't know what in the world you are saying. If you are going to live in this country, you can at least learn the language."
A small, bald headed kid walks out from the house toward them.
"Finally, some service around here," he hops down, "Hey kid, can you tell me where the hell this place is?"
The kid speaks, "What is it Snoopy?"
"Snoopy? Look minime, my name is Brian. I live with the Griffins."
"Are you hungry boy?"
"I'm lost and a little pissed off. Just tell me where I am."
"Do you want me to get you something to eat?" he points at the food dish.
Brian picks up the dish and uses it to point at Charlie Brown in a threatening manner, "I want you to tell me where the hell I am!"
Charlie Brown takes the dish and walks off.
"If that has Kibbles, or Puppy Chow when you get back, I am going to whack you a good one! And get me a drink!"
Lionel walks up sucking his thumb and carrying his blanket over his shoulder and says, "Hello Snoopy."
"Finally, somebody else - hey kid, can you tell me where I am?"
"You better not be thinking of taking my blanket."
"No, but I'm seriously thinking of mauling every last one of you. Now, is this Quahog?"
"I won't let you have it."
"You'll find I won't be that conserving. Will you just answer my question?"
"It's mine and I'm putting my foot down."
"Brain nabs the blue blanket quickly and holds it, ready to rip it in half.
"Hey! Let go!" yells Lionel.
"What? This? What are you? Nine? And you still have an emotional security blanket? You probably still wet the bed too, huh?" comments Brian.
"Come on!"
"You have till the count of three to answer my questions before I rip this thing a new one. Now, show me where the phone is so I can get the hell out of here."
Lionel starts crying, "whaaaaa!!!"
"Great, now you're gonna cry. Well, here is something to sob over!" he rolls the towel up and starts whacking Lionel on the ass really hard. Lionel grabs his butt and starts running off. "Come back here you little rodent," says Brian.
Charlie Brown walks back up.
"Oh, it's you again," he looks in the dish Charlie Brown is holding.
"Here you go."
"What is this? My god, you got to be kidding me. There's nothing, but dog food in here. I can't eat this!"
"Enjoy."
"What are you? Deaf? And where the hell is that drink I asked for?"
"Is that Linus's blanket?"
"Are you even fucking listening to me?"
They stare at each other. Brian slaps him really hard. Charlie Brown opens his mouth in surprise, backs up and rubs his cheek. He runs back to the house.
"Yeah, you better start running. When you return, there had better be a cell phone in those soft hands. And bring me a Vodka! Hard on the rocks!"
He climbs back atop the dog house with the dish in hand. He places the dish down and bends up. He puts his right hand over his eyes and looks around. He looks back down. The yellow bird is eating his food.
"Oh no you don't," he takes the dish away.
The bird twerps at him.
"You heard the bubble headed monstrosity, this is mine. Why don't you go eat some worms or something?"
It continues to twerp at him loudly.
"Stop it," it still sounds off, "I mean it."
It doesn't stop. He leans in and they both give each other dirty looks. He finally takes his second finger and flicks the bird really hard. It goes sailing away after letting out a little yelp.
He walks up to the house and tries the door. Locked.
"All right, time to find a grown up," he walks across the lawn and to the front of the house. He sees a stand headed by a little girl. He approaches.
"Yeah, I'll have a martini with a twist of lemon."
"Hi, welcome to Lucy's Lemonade Enterprises. It'll be five cents for a small and ten cents for a large. What'll you have?"
"You mean you don't have liquor? Just cheap Dollar Store Neat-Aid? What kind of bar keep are you?" says Brian.
"Sir, if you're having trouble deciding, I ask that you please step to the side and let the other customers order."
Brian looks behind him. No one is there, "Gosh, you're not going to be helpful either. Look, I need some help..."
Lucy reaches up and flips the lemonade sign. It says: Help - Five Cents. She puts a money cup on the counter and puts down a "Open" sign.
Great ... where am I?"
She taps the cup.
He reaches down and pulls up a nickel.
"What? Yeah, I know I don't have any pants. Let's just pretend otherwise," he dumps the coin in, "so what city is this?"
"Where are we really? Do any of us exist? Or are we just travelers passing through time?"
He pulls out another nickel and throws it at her, "Here, get a job."
He walks over to the next house and knocks on the door. Someone answers.
"It's about time! I have been lost and trying to find out where I am. I've been pestered by this bald kid, harassed by a wiener kid and a damn yellow bird tried to eat my food. Can you help me?"
The person shakes he head.
"Thank god. Please, can you tell me how to get to Quahog?"
The lady replies, "Whah, whah waa whah..."
He slaps his face like the kid in Home Alone and Walter Murphy does a quick repetition of Bernard Herrmann's Psycho "Shower Scene" music.
Brian wakes up on the kitchen table.
"Oh ... it was just a dream. I guess I'm all right then," he stands up, forgetting he is on the table. It falls over on it's side. Brian hits the floor.
"Damnit," he says and right then the wine bottle smashes upon his head.