Chapter 4: "Decking You With Vows Of Fierce Folly"
Lois walks up to Peter who is sitting on the couch.
"What are you doing honey?" she asks.
"Watching Star Trek. It's episode 80 where Kirk visits this planet and encounters a mirror image of himself and tries to have sex with himself. Back then in the sixties it was controversial."
"You're not going to go Christmas shopping with me?"
"No, you know I got a plan already. I'm going to wait till the last possible day, struggle in traffic, arrive at the stores shortly after they close and then arrive home with a fishing rod and two pornos."
"I really wish you'd help out. Do you remember what it was that Stewey wanted?"
"I think it was a tickle me George Michael, tickle me Michael Jackson, or something like that."
"Tickle Me Elmo. I'll see you later honey. Bye," she walks out the door and shuts it.
As she is driving she decides to pop in a CD of Christmas music. She starts "Jingle Bells". She slows down for a traffic jam as the orchestra plays. She puts down the jewel case. The inserts read: John Williams and the Pops Orchestra Do Christmas.
Ewe ... hurry up," she honks the horn, "come on! Move it, or lose it!"
Traffic picks back up and just after she presses the gas, traffic stops suddenly. She slams the brakes. The CD skips, then starts repeating the orchestra version of the three note, "Jingle Bells". It repeats again and again and doesn't stop. She honks the horn furiously.
"Learn how to drive! Why don't you brake sooner? You want to test and see if I can?!"
She starts fiddling with the skip track button. It doesn't work. She tries the "Stop" button. Yet again no change.
"Argh!" she starts slamming the CD consol until it changes. Now the orchestra only version of "...making spirits cy..." from "Jingle Bells" repeats over and over again.
Ten minutes later she arrives at Wal-Mart. Her right eye is twitching and she is clutching the steering wheel tightly.
After making her way through pissy shoppers and people just standing there and not moving, she arrives at the Toy Section.
There, covered in glorious neon lite, is one last Tickle Me Elmo doll.
"I can't believe it," and just before she gets it, another lady snatches it up. "Please, you got to let me have that. My child really wants it."
"Sorry," says the old lady.
"You don't understand, we couldn't afford presents until my husband's bonus check arrived and that was yesterday and the check didn't clear till today."
The old lady replies meanly, "No, you don't understand - I don't care. Tough luck lady."
Lois grabs it.
"I'm warning you, let go now," the old lady warns.
"No!"
"Ah ha!" and the lady pulls it away quickly, "ha, ha, ha..."
Lois's face turns red and her adrenaline pumps and she turns to the side and rips open a bag with a jump rope. She whips and aims for the old lady. It wraps around her ankles several times and Lois pulls it taut, tight. The lady falls down and Lois drags her across the floor. She rips the Elmo doll from her and thrusts the whip up. WhhhooOOOooosssh ... CRACK!!!!!
She starts running for the registers with the doll in one hand a bag of assorted candy she picked up along the way in the other hand. Nerf soft arrows shoot back and forth behind her and she uses the rope to swing from a support beam from the ceiling over nonmoving customers. All the while Walter Murphy immates John Williams music from "Indiana Jones: Raider Of The Lost Ark"
A big plastic beach ball breaks from the roof wires and comes falling down. It rolls after Lois until she merges into a 10-Items-Or-Less line. She is next. The store speakers blare, "Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five minutes. We ask you make your final selections and bring them up front for check out. Thank you."
The cashier scans the Elmo doll. She hands him the bag of candy.
"Oh gosh, I'm sorry, I can never remember the PLU number. I'm gonna have to weigh it," he puts it in one hand and slowly, but carefully replaces a gold colored ornament on the register scale. Without blinking and holding his breath he switches the two items. He breaths a sigh of relief and says, "Sorry about that. That's the only way to get it to work," he punches a few keys the register rings, "17.50."
She gives him a 20.00 and turns to see the onslaught of shoppers.
"Keep the change!" she charges for the exit door as the giant beach ball again chases her. The door slips shut behind her and the ball slams people into the window pane.
She starts the car and the Christmas cue starts repeating again and again. She loses it. Walter Murphy does a take off of Jerry Goldsmith's chase music from, "Planet Of The Apes" as Lois plows her way through the lot.
Christmas morning. Stewey opens his present.
"What the devil? Tickle Me Elmo? I shall do no such thing you perverse, plush ... take that!"
He lights it on fire with a flame thrower.
Lois cries out, "No!!!!!" she reaches down to strangle him.
"I knew it! Blast!!!"
She wakes up suddenly.
"Ah ... that's it - no more Malcom In the Middle before bed time. Better check on Stewey.
Lois walks up to Peter who is sitting on the couch.
"What are you doing honey?" she asks.
"Watching Star Trek. It's episode 80 where Kirk visits this planet and encounters a mirror image of himself and tries to have sex with himself. Back then in the sixties it was controversial."
"You're not going to go Christmas shopping with me?"
"No, you know I got a plan already. I'm going to wait till the last possible day, struggle in traffic, arrive at the stores shortly after they close and then arrive home with a fishing rod and two pornos."
"I really wish you'd help out. Do you remember what it was that Stewey wanted?"
"I think it was a tickle me George Michael, tickle me Michael Jackson, or something like that."
"Tickle Me Elmo. I'll see you later honey. Bye," she walks out the door and shuts it.
As she is driving she decides to pop in a CD of Christmas music. She starts "Jingle Bells". She slows down for a traffic jam as the orchestra plays. She puts down the jewel case. The inserts read: John Williams and the Pops Orchestra Do Christmas.
Ewe ... hurry up," she honks the horn, "come on! Move it, or lose it!"
Traffic picks back up and just after she presses the gas, traffic stops suddenly. She slams the brakes. The CD skips, then starts repeating the orchestra version of the three note, "Jingle Bells". It repeats again and again and doesn't stop. She honks the horn furiously.
"Learn how to drive! Why don't you brake sooner? You want to test and see if I can?!"
She starts fiddling with the skip track button. It doesn't work. She tries the "Stop" button. Yet again no change.
"Argh!" she starts slamming the CD consol until it changes. Now the orchestra only version of "...making spirits cy..." from "Jingle Bells" repeats over and over again.
Ten minutes later she arrives at Wal-Mart. Her right eye is twitching and she is clutching the steering wheel tightly.
After making her way through pissy shoppers and people just standing there and not moving, she arrives at the Toy Section.
There, covered in glorious neon lite, is one last Tickle Me Elmo doll.
"I can't believe it," and just before she gets it, another lady snatches it up. "Please, you got to let me have that. My child really wants it."
"Sorry," says the old lady.
"You don't understand, we couldn't afford presents until my husband's bonus check arrived and that was yesterday and the check didn't clear till today."
The old lady replies meanly, "No, you don't understand - I don't care. Tough luck lady."
Lois grabs it.
"I'm warning you, let go now," the old lady warns.
"No!"
"Ah ha!" and the lady pulls it away quickly, "ha, ha, ha..."
Lois's face turns red and her adrenaline pumps and she turns to the side and rips open a bag with a jump rope. She whips and aims for the old lady. It wraps around her ankles several times and Lois pulls it taut, tight. The lady falls down and Lois drags her across the floor. She rips the Elmo doll from her and thrusts the whip up. WhhhooOOOooosssh ... CRACK!!!!!
She starts running for the registers with the doll in one hand a bag of assorted candy she picked up along the way in the other hand. Nerf soft arrows shoot back and forth behind her and she uses the rope to swing from a support beam from the ceiling over nonmoving customers. All the while Walter Murphy immates John Williams music from "Indiana Jones: Raider Of The Lost Ark"
A big plastic beach ball breaks from the roof wires and comes falling down. It rolls after Lois until she merges into a 10-Items-Or-Less line. She is next. The store speakers blare, "Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five minutes. We ask you make your final selections and bring them up front for check out. Thank you."
The cashier scans the Elmo doll. She hands him the bag of candy.
"Oh gosh, I'm sorry, I can never remember the PLU number. I'm gonna have to weigh it," he puts it in one hand and slowly, but carefully replaces a gold colored ornament on the register scale. Without blinking and holding his breath he switches the two items. He breaths a sigh of relief and says, "Sorry about that. That's the only way to get it to work," he punches a few keys the register rings, "17.50."
She gives him a 20.00 and turns to see the onslaught of shoppers.
"Keep the change!" she charges for the exit door as the giant beach ball again chases her. The door slips shut behind her and the ball slams people into the window pane.
She starts the car and the Christmas cue starts repeating again and again. She loses it. Walter Murphy does a take off of Jerry Goldsmith's chase music from, "Planet Of The Apes" as Lois plows her way through the lot.
Christmas morning. Stewey opens his present.
"What the devil? Tickle Me Elmo? I shall do no such thing you perverse, plush ... take that!"
He lights it on fire with a flame thrower.
Lois cries out, "No!!!!!" she reaches down to strangle him.
"I knew it! Blast!!!"
She wakes up suddenly.
"Ah ... that's it - no more Malcom In the Middle before bed time. Better check on Stewey.