Chapter 5: "A Frosty Encounter"
Stewey dreams he is in Santa's Workshop, on the assembly line. He is wearing an olive green elf outfit, white and red stripped soaks and curled toed shoes. He also has pointed ears.
"What the hell ... you there!" he points to an elf, "where the devil am I?"
"Heh, heh, heh, that's a good one. Better hurry up."
"I shall do no such thing! Either tell me of my current location, or I'll shove this candy cane where the snow don't fall..."
"Santa's Workshop. Please don't stick that up my butt."
"Who is in charge here?!" he commands.
"Santa Clause," replies the scared elf.
"Don't play games with me you fowl little penguin humper. I want his name, not his pseudonym!"
"Chris Kringle. He's in his office. That way," the elf points.
"Thank you for your cooperation. I'm much obliged," he walks off, then sticks his head back in and points with a menacing look in his eyes, "you! Cover for me!"
Santa types at his computer. He presses save and closes the file. He clicks into the MicrosoftWord Document labeled, "G List". A knock comes to his door. It bursts open.
"Ho! Ho! Ho! Why if it isn't little Stewart Griffin. Let me pull up your file," the computer freezes, "heh ... hold on..." he presses Alt + Control + Delete two times. It does nothing, "well, son an elf. Darnit," he flips the power switch, "damn WindowsME. Remind me to e-mail Leo Laporte later. what can I do you for?"
"Well," he tries to lift himself on top Santa's desk. He fails and gets a chair. He climbs up it and onto the desk top,"Now see here," he reads the name plate, "Christopher. I'm a reasonable man. My demands are simple; return me to my home and I will not be forced to dispatch you to the icy nether regions!" he rips off the hat and points at Santa.
"Oh, here's your file ... owww, somebody has been a notty little boy."
"Oh yes, I do try. And speaking of try ... you're trying my patience fat man! Are we going to cut to the chase, or shall I call the animal rights groups about your venison problem. And I don't believe your work place practices are up to OSHA standards. Now what do you have to say to that?"
Santa tosses Stewey out into the snow much like Will Smith's friend in that television series "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air".
He waves at Stewey and shouts, "Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!" and slams the door closed.
He gets up and dusts the snow off himself and yells angrily, "Oh, you'll regret that Mister Kringle! Make no mistake! The only thing that's gonna shake like a bowl full of jelly is your wretched, twisted remains while I do a mexican hat dance about them!!!" he rubs his hands on his arms, "Hummm, it's a wee bit nippy out here. Perhaps I should seek shelter."
He walks for a minute and then sees something. He scurries over and picks it up.
"Well, what do we have here? A top hat in the North Pole? Someone obviously made a fashion faux pas," he tries it on. It slides down over his eyes, "Well, this shalln't do at all. How am I supposed to see with this blasted brimmer on?" he walks past a snowman. He eyes it menacingly for a moment and then says, "How quaint. Here, you can have it. I don't want it anyway," and he throws it up onto the snowman's head.
With glittery, white whirls of air and snow, the snowman comes to life. It claps it's newly formed legs together and exclaims, "Merry Christmas!"
"You're gay, aren't you? It's all right to admit it."
"Where am I? Wait - now I remember. The last thing I recall was waving good-bye to the children as I ride away in Santa's sleigh. We went a few miles out and he took my buttons and ripped off my hat and ... oh my god! My buttons!"
Cut to Santa sitting in his officer and unbuttoning his red coat, exposing a white Hanes T-shirt. He looks at the buttons as he clicks the computer mouse and exclaims, "Ho! Ho! Ho! ...what the hell ... this program has performed an illegal operation and will now be shut down? what the fuck does it mean, 'Illegal Operation'? I only opened a WordPad file! Ah, snowy shit..."
"Well, as they say, 'There's one born everyday'. Though without any sexual reproductive organs I don't see how that's quite possible."
"Say, do you know which way it is to Santa's Workshop?" asks Frosty.
"It's somewhere that way. Why are you looking at me like that way?"
"How tall are you?"
"24 inches ... why?" he eyes Frosty suspiciously.
"24 inches ... and I was 6.5 ... holy Christmas! I lost a foot! What happened?"
"Yes, well, welcome to the 90s. If you look hard enough you can SEE the hole in the Ozone Layer. Global warming and terrorism and all that."
"Say kid, what's your name anyway?"
"None of your frosty business. Now shovel off!"
"My name is Frosty. Frosty the Snowman."
"What a staggering revelation. Now piss off!"
"You can call me Frosty."
"Oh, I think I can come up with something a bit more, how shall we say? Colorful."
Frosty follows Stewey.
"Stop following me! Or so help me I'll knock those popsicle legs of yours off!"
"Why don't you come with me?"
"Why don't you eat yourself! Now be gone with yourself! I need to find a way from this place."
"Why don't you try Santa's barn? He has nine reindeer. You can use one of those."
Stewey turns around, points and yells, "Why don't you! ... reindeer you say? You mean those flying creatures? I thought they were a myth."
"Of course not. You just stopped believing."
"Well my freezy chap, let us walk this way shall we?"
They start heading back to Santa's Workshop, now four minutes away. Frost whistles the Christmas song baring his own name. After a minute Stewey becomes highly annoyed and bucks, "Just what the hell it is you think you are doing? I say, does this look like a play? Do you see any cats, or large man eating plants?"
"Ah..."
"Then cease that infernal racket! You ain't no whistling dixie; not even a Rob Reale."
"Would you prefer if I sing?" asks Frosty.
"Only if you WANT to die. And I mean slooowwwly."
"Frosty the snowman, was a holy jolly soul..."
"Now see here! I demand that you stop that at once!"
"...and the children say he came to life one day..."
"I'm warning you. You're one note away from a Snowbiz!"
"...and that's how the story goes..."
"Enough!" Stewey runs up to Frosty and kicks him in the crotch.
Frosty falls over in pain and exclaims wide eyed, "Ow! My snowballs!"
Stewey runs behind him, pulls out one of his wooden arms and proceeds to beet Frosty with it.
"Ah! Ah! Make it stop! Make it stop!" Frosty calls out.
"Not so cocky now? Are we? Say hello to Suddenly Susan for me!" he snatches the hat off Frosty. Frosty's eyes turn to black "X"s. Stewey tosses the hat into a wood chipper and the shredded pieces rain upon Frosty's lifeless body. Stewey then unzips his pants, writes his name with pee on Frosty and zips back up.
"Well, that was rather delightful and I must say ... oh no ... blast!" he wakes up from his dream abruptly.
"No! I'm not ready yet! No! No! No! I must fall back asleep!" he tries forcing his eyes shut.
Lois walks into the room and picks Stewey up.
"It's all right honey - you were just having a bad dream."
"Damn you! I order you to let go of me this very instant!!!"
Shhh ... no need to cry."
"I should say not. Now is the time for celebration. Another time Frosty ... another time..."
Stewey dreams he is in Santa's Workshop, on the assembly line. He is wearing an olive green elf outfit, white and red stripped soaks and curled toed shoes. He also has pointed ears.
"What the hell ... you there!" he points to an elf, "where the devil am I?"
"Heh, heh, heh, that's a good one. Better hurry up."
"I shall do no such thing! Either tell me of my current location, or I'll shove this candy cane where the snow don't fall..."
"Santa's Workshop. Please don't stick that up my butt."
"Who is in charge here?!" he commands.
"Santa Clause," replies the scared elf.
"Don't play games with me you fowl little penguin humper. I want his name, not his pseudonym!"
"Chris Kringle. He's in his office. That way," the elf points.
"Thank you for your cooperation. I'm much obliged," he walks off, then sticks his head back in and points with a menacing look in his eyes, "you! Cover for me!"
Santa types at his computer. He presses save and closes the file. He clicks into the MicrosoftWord Document labeled, "G List". A knock comes to his door. It bursts open.
"Ho! Ho! Ho! Why if it isn't little Stewart Griffin. Let me pull up your file," the computer freezes, "heh ... hold on..." he presses Alt + Control + Delete two times. It does nothing, "well, son an elf. Darnit," he flips the power switch, "damn WindowsME. Remind me to e-mail Leo Laporte later. what can I do you for?"
"Well," he tries to lift himself on top Santa's desk. He fails and gets a chair. He climbs up it and onto the desk top,"Now see here," he reads the name plate, "Christopher. I'm a reasonable man. My demands are simple; return me to my home and I will not be forced to dispatch you to the icy nether regions!" he rips off the hat and points at Santa.
"Oh, here's your file ... owww, somebody has been a notty little boy."
"Oh yes, I do try. And speaking of try ... you're trying my patience fat man! Are we going to cut to the chase, or shall I call the animal rights groups about your venison problem. And I don't believe your work place practices are up to OSHA standards. Now what do you have to say to that?"
Santa tosses Stewey out into the snow much like Will Smith's friend in that television series "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air".
He waves at Stewey and shouts, "Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!" and slams the door closed.
He gets up and dusts the snow off himself and yells angrily, "Oh, you'll regret that Mister Kringle! Make no mistake! The only thing that's gonna shake like a bowl full of jelly is your wretched, twisted remains while I do a mexican hat dance about them!!!" he rubs his hands on his arms, "Hummm, it's a wee bit nippy out here. Perhaps I should seek shelter."
He walks for a minute and then sees something. He scurries over and picks it up.
"Well, what do we have here? A top hat in the North Pole? Someone obviously made a fashion faux pas," he tries it on. It slides down over his eyes, "Well, this shalln't do at all. How am I supposed to see with this blasted brimmer on?" he walks past a snowman. He eyes it menacingly for a moment and then says, "How quaint. Here, you can have it. I don't want it anyway," and he throws it up onto the snowman's head.
With glittery, white whirls of air and snow, the snowman comes to life. It claps it's newly formed legs together and exclaims, "Merry Christmas!"
"You're gay, aren't you? It's all right to admit it."
"Where am I? Wait - now I remember. The last thing I recall was waving good-bye to the children as I ride away in Santa's sleigh. We went a few miles out and he took my buttons and ripped off my hat and ... oh my god! My buttons!"
Cut to Santa sitting in his officer and unbuttoning his red coat, exposing a white Hanes T-shirt. He looks at the buttons as he clicks the computer mouse and exclaims, "Ho! Ho! Ho! ...what the hell ... this program has performed an illegal operation and will now be shut down? what the fuck does it mean, 'Illegal Operation'? I only opened a WordPad file! Ah, snowy shit..."
"Well, as they say, 'There's one born everyday'. Though without any sexual reproductive organs I don't see how that's quite possible."
"Say, do you know which way it is to Santa's Workshop?" asks Frosty.
"It's somewhere that way. Why are you looking at me like that way?"
"How tall are you?"
"24 inches ... why?" he eyes Frosty suspiciously.
"24 inches ... and I was 6.5 ... holy Christmas! I lost a foot! What happened?"
"Yes, well, welcome to the 90s. If you look hard enough you can SEE the hole in the Ozone Layer. Global warming and terrorism and all that."
"Say kid, what's your name anyway?"
"None of your frosty business. Now shovel off!"
"My name is Frosty. Frosty the Snowman."
"What a staggering revelation. Now piss off!"
"You can call me Frosty."
"Oh, I think I can come up with something a bit more, how shall we say? Colorful."
Frosty follows Stewey.
"Stop following me! Or so help me I'll knock those popsicle legs of yours off!"
"Why don't you come with me?"
"Why don't you eat yourself! Now be gone with yourself! I need to find a way from this place."
"Why don't you try Santa's barn? He has nine reindeer. You can use one of those."
Stewey turns around, points and yells, "Why don't you! ... reindeer you say? You mean those flying creatures? I thought they were a myth."
"Of course not. You just stopped believing."
"Well my freezy chap, let us walk this way shall we?"
They start heading back to Santa's Workshop, now four minutes away. Frost whistles the Christmas song baring his own name. After a minute Stewey becomes highly annoyed and bucks, "Just what the hell it is you think you are doing? I say, does this look like a play? Do you see any cats, or large man eating plants?"
"Ah..."
"Then cease that infernal racket! You ain't no whistling dixie; not even a Rob Reale."
"Would you prefer if I sing?" asks Frosty.
"Only if you WANT to die. And I mean slooowwwly."
"Frosty the snowman, was a holy jolly soul..."
"Now see here! I demand that you stop that at once!"
"...and the children say he came to life one day..."
"I'm warning you. You're one note away from a Snowbiz!"
"...and that's how the story goes..."
"Enough!" Stewey runs up to Frosty and kicks him in the crotch.
Frosty falls over in pain and exclaims wide eyed, "Ow! My snowballs!"
Stewey runs behind him, pulls out one of his wooden arms and proceeds to beet Frosty with it.
"Ah! Ah! Make it stop! Make it stop!" Frosty calls out.
"Not so cocky now? Are we? Say hello to Suddenly Susan for me!" he snatches the hat off Frosty. Frosty's eyes turn to black "X"s. Stewey tosses the hat into a wood chipper and the shredded pieces rain upon Frosty's lifeless body. Stewey then unzips his pants, writes his name with pee on Frosty and zips back up.
"Well, that was rather delightful and I must say ... oh no ... blast!" he wakes up from his dream abruptly.
"No! I'm not ready yet! No! No! No! I must fall back asleep!" he tries forcing his eyes shut.
Lois walks into the room and picks Stewey up.
"It's all right honey - you were just having a bad dream."
"Damn you! I order you to let go of me this very instant!!!"
Shhh ... no need to cry."
"I should say not. Now is the time for celebration. Another time Frosty ... another time..."