Chapter 6: "Peter Clause"
Peter holds steady the steering wheel of a small plane. The Flying Instructor speaks up.
"Congratulations Peter! We're now almost at the North Pole. It's so highly unusual to give lessons on Christmas Eve; let alone fly to another spot on the Earth, but what the hell."
"Yeah, what the hell. This is so cool. Hey, thanks mister. I can't wait to see Santa clause!" Peter exclaims.
The instructor looks at him and says, "You do know there is not such thing as Santa Clause right?"
"Ah! No! I'm not listening ... la, la, la, la..." he takes his hands from the wheel to cover his ears. The plane takes a nose dive.
"You fool! Pull up! Pull up!"
"Oops," he jerks the wheel back and the plane bolts up quickly and they hear noises followed by an explosion. "Holy crap! What was that?"
"You pulled up t o quickly! That was the sound of the engine breaking you idiot."
"Maybe we can ride it out on one engine?" comments Peter.
"You jackass, it's a single engine Sesna. I already told you that ten times!"
"But wait - what about me? Where's my parachute?"
"You only paid for one, remember?" the instructor opens the door and the cabin fills with fast moving air.
"Oh, right. What do I do?"
"Stick you head between you legs and kiss your sorry fat ass good-bye."
"But I can't bend that far!"
"Then you'll just have to settle for slapping yourself," he jumps from the plane and while falling yells, "ALL PURCHASES ARE NONREFUNDABLE!!!!!"
Ah, crap. What do I do? Think Peter ... just examine the controls ... I'm sure they're all logically marked ... altitude!? What the hell is that?!" he looks up and sees a building coming at him fast, "Ut-oh!"
Peter's eyes open to a bright floresant light. A bunch of masked men hover over him with surgical tools. He passes out and then awakens again later to hear one say, "Okay, that's a rap people. Oh - he's awake ... shhh!!!"
"I'm alive!" he sits up. It's then he notices they are all midgets standing on stools, "and I've found Oz!"
"Mister Griffin, we're elves. We've been fixing your wounds; making you faster, stronger and better!"
"Like the Six Million Dollar Man?" Peter asks.
The first elf replies, "Precisely, except six million dollars in Elf money is half that."
A second elf comments, "Just a bit over Canadian currency."
"Does that mean I can run faster now?" asks Peter.
"No, you're still fat," says Elf 1.
"So, eh, like - what happened? Last thing I remember I was about to plow into some house and screaming vaguely like a girl..." his eyes shift left to right.
"Oh yeah," Elf 2 points to a body covered by a sheet, "you killed Santa."
"Oh my god! You mean, Santa's real and I killed him?!"
A third Elf starts crying. The first whacks Elf 2 upside the head with the clip board holding Peter's charts.
"Lou, I don't want to have to tell you again," says elf 1 to Elf 2.
"Why doesn't he have one of those toe tags they use for corpses? You know? Dead people; people who aren't living anymore and will never come back no matter how hard you wish, or how many times you pray."
The third elf starts crying again. Elf 1 whacks the third Elf.
"Why did you whack him?" asks Elf 2.
"It was just easier," replies Elf 1.
"I can't believe he's gone. Now who's going to deliver all the presents?" asks Peter.
"Actually, we were kind of hoping you would," says Elf 1.
"You mean like Tim Allen in that disney movie, The Santa Clause?"
"Yeah, except you won't be allowed to drink, you'll work for nothing and it's a tiresome, thankless job. On the plus side disney is not involved. No way what so ever."
"Thank god," says Elf 2.
"And what if I say no? Huh? What's to stop me then?"
"Lou here will surgically remove your balls for Fear Factor."
"That's a 70 inch waist and a 28 inch inseam. And make that shirt a triple extra large."
"We knew you'd understand."
The elves step into an elevator. Peter follows. After the door shuts they reach into their pockets and pull out a special key each. The both open secret panels on each side of the lift doors and insert the keys. They both nod and count to three, then turn the keys simultaneously. The elevator starts moving.
"So, where are we going?" asks Peter.
"Elf 2 looks at Peter and says in a low voice, "The South Pole..." he trails off.
Peter looks around nervous and replies as his eyes dart back and forth, "Oh ... okay," he stands there looking around as quiet elevator Christmas music plays.
The doors open to a large underground room.
"Peter, welcome to S.A.N.T.A. The Surgically Advanced Neurological Training Adjunct, or the Ho Ho Ho Thought Reprogramming Pit. Here is where we train new Santas when the situation should arise."
"So this is where you'll make my nose red and teach me to laugh like a bowl full of jelly?"
"Mister Griffin, you're 400 pounds - that just comes with the territory. As for the nose, it's 30 below out there. That's just frost bite," replies Elf 1.
"So, what's the first step? Do I get to practice wrapping gifts? Loading the sleigh? Come on, what is it?"
"Well, first you'll be subjected to the Jolly Chris Kringle Originality Feat Function tester to see how much Christmas spirit is in you to work with," says Elf 1.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa - I'm gonna be tested on a machine that's abbreviated Jack Off? Cause I can tell you right now I'll pass that test with flying colors."
"Ah, yeah ... let's go ahead and begin the testing," says Elf 1.
Christmassy montage music by composer Walter Murphy cues up for this several minute long sequence.
An elf gives Peter the folded Santa outfit. He turns around and enters a changing room. He comes back out and the pants are on his arms and the waist on his head like a hood and the hat on his crotch. The shirt is stretched tight on his legs and buttoned up to look like a shirt. He poses like a female model. The Elf slaps his head and shakes it. Peter goes back in and comes out dressed right. The Elf gives him a thumbs up.
In the next scene he is given the list. It is on connected, perforated computer typing paper. He practices "Notty" and "Nice" list checking techniques. The Elf corrects him to mark one "Notty" instead of "Nice" by whacking Peter with a ruler.
Peter goes, "Oh," and gets a mean look and puts an "X" down.
The scene morphs into hours later and he has reached the end and is sweating and tired. He puts the pen and paper down and lays back and the Elf smacks him with the ruler again. He shakes his second finger no and points to the paper making Peter do it twice.
Next the Elf takes him to the Toy Assembly Line and shows him how to inspect the toys. He then signals for Peter to try. Peter picks one up. While inspecting it, he accidentally breaks a piece off and drops it when it suddenly bursts into flames.
Next they show him how to load the bags up and carry it to the sleigh. They have to drag it, but when they tell him to try, he picks it up and slings it over his shoulder. He smiles when they give him a thumbs up. He spins around and the bag knocks them all down like bowling pins.
Next they show him a large wall mounted map with red lines and arrows showing the route he'll take. They put him in a Virtual Reality simulator where he can see the reindeer and practices taking off and landing.
Each time he knocks over the brick chimneys and bashes through the roof.
He flies over Washington D.C. and the LCD dash-mounted computer screen flashes in red letters: "White House - Restricted Flight Zone"
An alarm sounds. He ignores both of then and a pair of F15s shoot him down. "Game Over" flashes.
They all look at him in disappointment as he tries to shove a quarter into a heat exhaust vent.
In a separate room there is a mock house and Peter is lead to the roof where he has to use the chimney. He slides in half way down and gets stuck. The elves frantically signal to cut the chimney fire off.
Next they point to the Christmas tree and indicate to put the presents down, but only after prying him away from the milk and cookies.
He lugs the bag over, sets it down and reaches in. He unloads three nicely wrapped gifts and puts his hands out in a cocky manner and as the elves start to clap, one of the gifts bursts into flames.
"He ran over 50 dogs and 30 children; burned 25 houses to the ground, split his pants five times and several of his gifts exploded. Are you sure he's the man?" asks Elf 2.
"Christmas is only twelve hours away. Right now that fat man is the only thing we got. There is no time to find and train someone else. He'll have to do. I mean, he's clearly an idiot and..."
"Hey you guys. So, how did I do? Did I pass?" asks Peter.
"You did just fine. Now, the flight over to your starting point and preparation will take a few hours, so we need you to go over a few things again with us and then you need to start getting ready. So, I guess the first thing we need to do is..." Peter cuts Elf 1 off.
"Hey, do you guys mind if I use the can first? I got a real bad case of the runs."
"No, go ahead. And Peter, we call it the 'Enchanted Latrine'."
"All right. Be back in five. I have to take an enchanted dump."
Five minutes later. The two elves are standing at the bathroom door. One is smoking and the other is checking his watch. Elf 1 knocks on the door.
"Mister Griffin, hurry up. We need to start preparing. You haven't even found out whose been notty and whose been nice," he knocks again, "Peter?"
The third Elf comes running in.
"Sir! A bunch of presents are gone and someone took the sleigh and reindeer! What are we going to do?"
"Peter! I'm coming in!" Elf 1 takes out a key and opens the door. Curtain laces are blowing from an open window. They stand on a stool and look out to see Peter flying away. Elf 1 shakes his fist and yells loudly, "We know where you live!!!" he looks at Elf 2, "Lou, start shaking your fist!"
Peter holds steady the steering wheel of a small plane. The Flying Instructor speaks up.
"Congratulations Peter! We're now almost at the North Pole. It's so highly unusual to give lessons on Christmas Eve; let alone fly to another spot on the Earth, but what the hell."
"Yeah, what the hell. This is so cool. Hey, thanks mister. I can't wait to see Santa clause!" Peter exclaims.
The instructor looks at him and says, "You do know there is not such thing as Santa Clause right?"
"Ah! No! I'm not listening ... la, la, la, la..." he takes his hands from the wheel to cover his ears. The plane takes a nose dive.
"You fool! Pull up! Pull up!"
"Oops," he jerks the wheel back and the plane bolts up quickly and they hear noises followed by an explosion. "Holy crap! What was that?"
"You pulled up t o quickly! That was the sound of the engine breaking you idiot."
"Maybe we can ride it out on one engine?" comments Peter.
"You jackass, it's a single engine Sesna. I already told you that ten times!"
"But wait - what about me? Where's my parachute?"
"You only paid for one, remember?" the instructor opens the door and the cabin fills with fast moving air.
"Oh, right. What do I do?"
"Stick you head between you legs and kiss your sorry fat ass good-bye."
"But I can't bend that far!"
"Then you'll just have to settle for slapping yourself," he jumps from the plane and while falling yells, "ALL PURCHASES ARE NONREFUNDABLE!!!!!"
Ah, crap. What do I do? Think Peter ... just examine the controls ... I'm sure they're all logically marked ... altitude!? What the hell is that?!" he looks up and sees a building coming at him fast, "Ut-oh!"
Peter's eyes open to a bright floresant light. A bunch of masked men hover over him with surgical tools. He passes out and then awakens again later to hear one say, "Okay, that's a rap people. Oh - he's awake ... shhh!!!"
"I'm alive!" he sits up. It's then he notices they are all midgets standing on stools, "and I've found Oz!"
"Mister Griffin, we're elves. We've been fixing your wounds; making you faster, stronger and better!"
"Like the Six Million Dollar Man?" Peter asks.
The first elf replies, "Precisely, except six million dollars in Elf money is half that."
A second elf comments, "Just a bit over Canadian currency."
"Does that mean I can run faster now?" asks Peter.
"No, you're still fat," says Elf 1.
"So, eh, like - what happened? Last thing I remember I was about to plow into some house and screaming vaguely like a girl..." his eyes shift left to right.
"Oh yeah," Elf 2 points to a body covered by a sheet, "you killed Santa."
"Oh my god! You mean, Santa's real and I killed him?!"
A third Elf starts crying. The first whacks Elf 2 upside the head with the clip board holding Peter's charts.
"Lou, I don't want to have to tell you again," says elf 1 to Elf 2.
"Why doesn't he have one of those toe tags they use for corpses? You know? Dead people; people who aren't living anymore and will never come back no matter how hard you wish, or how many times you pray."
The third elf starts crying again. Elf 1 whacks the third Elf.
"Why did you whack him?" asks Elf 2.
"It was just easier," replies Elf 1.
"I can't believe he's gone. Now who's going to deliver all the presents?" asks Peter.
"Actually, we were kind of hoping you would," says Elf 1.
"You mean like Tim Allen in that disney movie, The Santa Clause?"
"Yeah, except you won't be allowed to drink, you'll work for nothing and it's a tiresome, thankless job. On the plus side disney is not involved. No way what so ever."
"Thank god," says Elf 2.
"And what if I say no? Huh? What's to stop me then?"
"Lou here will surgically remove your balls for Fear Factor."
"That's a 70 inch waist and a 28 inch inseam. And make that shirt a triple extra large."
"We knew you'd understand."
The elves step into an elevator. Peter follows. After the door shuts they reach into their pockets and pull out a special key each. The both open secret panels on each side of the lift doors and insert the keys. They both nod and count to three, then turn the keys simultaneously. The elevator starts moving.
"So, where are we going?" asks Peter.
"Elf 2 looks at Peter and says in a low voice, "The South Pole..." he trails off.
Peter looks around nervous and replies as his eyes dart back and forth, "Oh ... okay," he stands there looking around as quiet elevator Christmas music plays.
The doors open to a large underground room.
"Peter, welcome to S.A.N.T.A. The Surgically Advanced Neurological Training Adjunct, or the Ho Ho Ho Thought Reprogramming Pit. Here is where we train new Santas when the situation should arise."
"So this is where you'll make my nose red and teach me to laugh like a bowl full of jelly?"
"Mister Griffin, you're 400 pounds - that just comes with the territory. As for the nose, it's 30 below out there. That's just frost bite," replies Elf 1.
"So, what's the first step? Do I get to practice wrapping gifts? Loading the sleigh? Come on, what is it?"
"Well, first you'll be subjected to the Jolly Chris Kringle Originality Feat Function tester to see how much Christmas spirit is in you to work with," says Elf 1.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa - I'm gonna be tested on a machine that's abbreviated Jack Off? Cause I can tell you right now I'll pass that test with flying colors."
"Ah, yeah ... let's go ahead and begin the testing," says Elf 1.
Christmassy montage music by composer Walter Murphy cues up for this several minute long sequence.
An elf gives Peter the folded Santa outfit. He turns around and enters a changing room. He comes back out and the pants are on his arms and the waist on his head like a hood and the hat on his crotch. The shirt is stretched tight on his legs and buttoned up to look like a shirt. He poses like a female model. The Elf slaps his head and shakes it. Peter goes back in and comes out dressed right. The Elf gives him a thumbs up.
In the next scene he is given the list. It is on connected, perforated computer typing paper. He practices "Notty" and "Nice" list checking techniques. The Elf corrects him to mark one "Notty" instead of "Nice" by whacking Peter with a ruler.
Peter goes, "Oh," and gets a mean look and puts an "X" down.
The scene morphs into hours later and he has reached the end and is sweating and tired. He puts the pen and paper down and lays back and the Elf smacks him with the ruler again. He shakes his second finger no and points to the paper making Peter do it twice.
Next the Elf takes him to the Toy Assembly Line and shows him how to inspect the toys. He then signals for Peter to try. Peter picks one up. While inspecting it, he accidentally breaks a piece off and drops it when it suddenly bursts into flames.
Next they show him how to load the bags up and carry it to the sleigh. They have to drag it, but when they tell him to try, he picks it up and slings it over his shoulder. He smiles when they give him a thumbs up. He spins around and the bag knocks them all down like bowling pins.
Next they show him a large wall mounted map with red lines and arrows showing the route he'll take. They put him in a Virtual Reality simulator where he can see the reindeer and practices taking off and landing.
Each time he knocks over the brick chimneys and bashes through the roof.
He flies over Washington D.C. and the LCD dash-mounted computer screen flashes in red letters: "White House - Restricted Flight Zone"
An alarm sounds. He ignores both of then and a pair of F15s shoot him down. "Game Over" flashes.
They all look at him in disappointment as he tries to shove a quarter into a heat exhaust vent.
In a separate room there is a mock house and Peter is lead to the roof where he has to use the chimney. He slides in half way down and gets stuck. The elves frantically signal to cut the chimney fire off.
Next they point to the Christmas tree and indicate to put the presents down, but only after prying him away from the milk and cookies.
He lugs the bag over, sets it down and reaches in. He unloads three nicely wrapped gifts and puts his hands out in a cocky manner and as the elves start to clap, one of the gifts bursts into flames.
"He ran over 50 dogs and 30 children; burned 25 houses to the ground, split his pants five times and several of his gifts exploded. Are you sure he's the man?" asks Elf 2.
"Christmas is only twelve hours away. Right now that fat man is the only thing we got. There is no time to find and train someone else. He'll have to do. I mean, he's clearly an idiot and..."
"Hey you guys. So, how did I do? Did I pass?" asks Peter.
"You did just fine. Now, the flight over to your starting point and preparation will take a few hours, so we need you to go over a few things again with us and then you need to start getting ready. So, I guess the first thing we need to do is..." Peter cuts Elf 1 off.
"Hey, do you guys mind if I use the can first? I got a real bad case of the runs."
"No, go ahead. And Peter, we call it the 'Enchanted Latrine'."
"All right. Be back in five. I have to take an enchanted dump."
Five minutes later. The two elves are standing at the bathroom door. One is smoking and the other is checking his watch. Elf 1 knocks on the door.
"Mister Griffin, hurry up. We need to start preparing. You haven't even found out whose been notty and whose been nice," he knocks again, "Peter?"
The third Elf comes running in.
"Sir! A bunch of presents are gone and someone took the sleigh and reindeer! What are we going to do?"
"Peter! I'm coming in!" Elf 1 takes out a key and opens the door. Curtain laces are blowing from an open window. They stand on a stool and look out to see Peter flying away. Elf 1 shakes his fist and yells loudly, "We know where you live!!!" he looks at Elf 2, "Lou, start shaking your fist!"