Disclaimer: see previous, and guess what? Alcohol. Uh-oh, kids.

I'll admit, chapter one: not too great. Hey, not every story has as great a beginning as "Call me Ishmael…." Here's to learning from mistakes. Such as: overly short length, horrendous use of words, and other…stuff.

Reminder: single quotation marks ' are character thoughts.

I Just Don't Know What to Do With Myself, By sven roc petrov I

Chapter Two: In the Cold, Cold Night, Part Two

Rei had never lost control before. She had always bent to the commander's will, yes, but she still controlled her own body's actions. Somehow, in that last memory she had, she had no control. Her body was moved, dragged along by some feeling she had no prior experience of. A paradox, really, that her Eva could be in sync with her more than it had ever been, and she had no control over what had happened. Perhaps by some deeply rooted protective instinct, Ikari had said she resembled a mother in some of her actions, she had simply let go of her usual analytical self and allowed her innermost feelings drive her. But that couldn't be it, the beast that had devoured the angel, hungrily taking its S2 organ couldn't be motherly, that would imply gentleness. It was more of an androgynous kill-or-be-killed instinct, that she simply allowed to surface.

Welcome to the case of Ayanami Rei. The warrior, self-sacrificing, fierce, and subordinate, contrasting and interacting with her inner woman, independent, protective, and yet, something else remaining undiscovered fully. What was it that she felt in her experience in the confines of her mind with the angel? Was it a literal representation of what she was missing? Or was it just a reminder of her suppressed emotions, how she'd never allow herself to fall for…anyone?

Ritsuko looked down at at the girl, who had been lying on her side, noticing the sleeping pilot of Unit 01, and carefully laid a hand on her shoulder. "Rei?" Ayanami was jerked from her flashback of the carnage of the previous day. Her breathing was shallow and quick, but slowed as she relaxed and regained her normal composure after a minute.

Flatly, she asked the doctor, "Is there further need for me here?"

"I suppose you have no physical injuries that need attention," Ritusko said, as she looked at her clipboard. "I'll be back in a few minutes with the proper papers to release you."

"Very well."

Turning, she added, "Ayanami? I'll also arrange a psychiatric evaluation. It should be pretty brief."

"Understood." She was sat upright and turned to look at the boy sleeping in the hospital bed next to hers. As the memories of the previous day, each as haunting as the previous, she turned to look away to try to ignore the thoughts. She heard a stirring behind her.

"Ayanami?"

It was Shinji. She slowly turned to look at him. "I see that you are awa--" Someone opened the door.

"Pilot Ayanami. You're cleared for release. Dr. Akagi filled out the necessary forms. By the way, you have a psych evaluation at 14 hundred." The nurse turned to leave.

"What is the time, currently?"

The nurse turned, "I'm sorry, it's currently ten. Hundred." She left.

"You have to go see one of the shrinks?" Shinji asked.

"I will be seeing one of the Psychologists, yes." Rei lifted her legs over the side of the bed and stood up. Still looking at Shinji, she said, "I will be leaving now."

"Uh, okay," Shinji managed before she left. He had always wondered what the enigmatic girl was thinking. He thought about her at length, trying to draw some connection to that and the vision he had while the angel was dissecting his memories. Was that the way that it fought? Just by weakening the mental defenses of it's adversaries? Probably. It probably showed him whatever would weaken him the very most. But Rei? Why does her presence weaken him so much? Is it because he's intimidated of her poise, or maybe control? Maybe just her…beauty? He knew that he couldn't help but think of what was under her ever-present school uniform, especially since the day he was to deliver her new access card… "Hentai…" Shinji mumbled to himself. "Asuka would call me a baka hentai…" He let his mind continue along its previous path.

**

"So once you lost consciousness, you felt, alone?"

"Yes."

"Is there anything else that you felt or experienced before you regained consciousness and the Eva went berserk?" He had difficulty reading her expressionless face, but he didn't get the job with NERV for nothing. She was holding back. The doctor was a bit apprehensive questioning the unblinking, monotonous pilot, even though he did find it interesting to have someone who radiated self control, unlike the usual schizo's and nervous wrecks that came out of project E. That's where the true cost of it was, the people. Someone told him that before.

"I, also had a dream, or something like one." Rei was getting more uncomfortable.

"Do you remember what it was about?"

Rei was having trouble maintaining her monotone. She did not want to be talking with this man, but she was ordered to. She had a responsibility to follow orders. "I saw myself and Ikari. We were, kissing. There was nothing else important."

"I see." The doctor didn't want to press his luck, he knew that's all he was going to get out of her this time on that subject. He thought over her words, "There was nothing else important." Perhaps that was how she felt, that nothing other than that mattered to her. That could explain why she went, or rather her Eva went berserk…

"Is there anything else you need of me?"

"Yes, actually. Ayanami, what do you remember from the time after you regained consciousness?"

"I…suppose that I remember, thinking about how I needed to stay alive, as well as Shinji. It was probably no more than, a will to survive. That would be a logical inference, would it not?" Rei had actually begun to lose her usual deliberate smooth speech.

"That could be." 'Though I doubt it,' the psychologist thought to himself. 'She saw something in that dream that she didn't want to lose by dying. Pretty damn obvious what that was. I wish all my patients were this easily read.' "I think you're free to go, now Ayanami."

"Very well." Rei stood and left.

"She called him "Shinji" instead of her usual "Ikari" didn't she? Heh. She slipped." He took a sip of his coffee.

**

Shinji had always been a little on edge in the car while Misato was driving. Had they not been closer to her apartment, he might have been open to talking to her at all.

"So Shinji, I heard that Rei had a very strange experience while she was unconscious." She turned to look at the boy.

"Misato, please look at the road while you're driving."

She smiled mischievously, "Obviously you had some kind of similar experience, so what was it, exactly, that happened in your mind, hm?"

He looked at her, and then the window, away from her. He remembered exactly what it was, but he really didn't want to say anything about it. He wasn't sure what to think of it himself, anyway. "What happened to Ayanami?" he asked.

"Oh, she's fine Shinji. I was wondering what you might have been thinking about. Ritsuko told me what the psychologist got out of Ayanami, and since you two were both connected, she thinks that perhaps some crossover occurred. You know what I think, Shinji?"

"Yeah, I know what you think, Misato."

Misato laughed. "Oh, so you know what Ayanami saw, then?"

Shinji looked away from the window, realizing what he had almost given away. "What did Ritsuko tell you?"

"You know that I can't tell you. It violates the privacy of the patient." Misato smiled.

"So why the hell do you know?!"

"I have to. She's one of my pilots. If she can't operate, I need to know why. Exactly why."

**

At dinner, the three of them, Asuka, Shinji and Misato, stayed more or less quiet. Misato had at least three of her Yebisu beers, ("The best way to end a day!" "I thought it was the best way to start a day, Misato." "That too!") and Asuka quickly ate and left the table, leaving Shinji to clean up. Misato continued to drink her Yebisus.

"It's so weird how you two had your first kiss, and it wasn't even real…" Misato giggled. She was wasted. Surprise.

"What?"

"Shit. There I go again, just letting everything out. I'm so thrashed. Shinji-kun, hold me like Rei…" She knew she was making Shinji very embarrassed and angry simultaneously.

"Shut up. I'm going to bed." Shinji walked out of the kitchen.

**

She got off of Gendo. The bastard wasn't even looking at her. He just had his hands behind his head and was looking sideways. She knew that she was only a sexual substitute for Yui. She had always known. Last week he had been saying Yui's name during sex. Ritsuko couldn't take it anymore. This wasn't even meeting her shallowest of excuses for this kind of relationship. Even Misato and Kaji had some reason back in those days, they confirmed each their own existence, the act required flesh. For Ritsuko, she was only serving to get Gendo off every few days. She had gotten to the point where it no longer interested her at all.

"It's over Ikari. Now. Right now." She dressed herself.

"Very well. You weren't as good as you used to be anyway," he said, without feeling.

"Fuck you." Ritsuko walked out of his office. The door closed behind her.

"You'd know how." He didn't feel any remorse for his coldness. She was just another lonely scientist from the lab he banged every now and then. Just like her mom. It didn't matter.

And it's magically rated R. Great. I just lost some readers.

God damnit…