"I'm so tired. I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of the walls, the lies, the
fear, the death..I'm so tired."
Last year, I lost my parole. That fucker Ruiz denied me, and only cause of his own little grudge against me. I beat the shit out of him last time we met, but it wasn't my fault! He wouldn't give me a chance to explain myself. What the fuck!? I tried to tell him I changed, how much shit I had gone through just so I could go the fuck free already. Ever since then, I tried extra hard to keep a low profile. I wasn't in El Norte no more, and I even did that play thing with O'Reily's mom. I did whatever I could to keep out of trouble. Anything to get away from this place, from the violence, the routine, the overall madness of Oz. Jesus fucking Christ, if only he knew the Hell I had gone through. He didn't listen the first time, and now he won't listen again. What the hell is wrong with this guy? Goddamn it! Now cause of him, I'll never get out of Oz. Never.
Even if I did, I have nothing left on the outside. When I found out Maritza fucked Reynaldo, I lost a piece of myself. I tried to replace it with hope that I took the situation well, but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt. It hurt bad. She never even came to see me when she got out of Parker Women's, she sold my car, then she takes my best friend. Man, I can't help but think if I had done things differently, this shit wouldn't have happened. I was so vain and prideful, and it got me sent here and I lost her as a result. Was it cause of the baby? I think so...I thought I could replace it with Cathy Jo, Cutler's wife. Man, was she something. She made me forget Maritza. She made me forget about everything. I almost didn't want to sell the stuff to her. I wanted to keep it..so I could keep her. But goddamn those pinche Aryans! Fuck them, and fuck Schillinger! I couldn't risk my life over this, I wanted to live to be free. I sold Cathy Jo the shit. I said bye to her. I didn't want to, but I needed to. I should've just let them kill me..
And then there was that faggot Torquemada and his fucking D-tabs! The fag keeps swinging his dick around at me, hoping to put some sort of emotion in me and shit. I told him to get his ass away from me. He just kept coming on to me, over and over. I wanted to beat his ass, but I couldn't. I wanted to go free. But when all was said and done, he probably offered me a way out. I'm not saying I turned into a fag, but man I just didn't give a shit anymore. I've been in here for 6 years, and now I'll never go free. So, I decided to try Torquemada's d-tabs. It was mindblowing as fuck, a lot more stimulating than the tits they got in Oz. It set me free, made me forget. I needed more, I wanted more. But I was tired of violence, I didn't want to kill for the drugs. So, I did what I knew the only other price was: sex. Man, I can't believe I stooped this low. But I don't care, cause every time I take Torquemada in my ass (or the other way around), he gives me more of the good shit. What I really want. I'm no faggot. I just want the d-tabs. They set me free, and it's the only freedom I'll ever taste again. All the while, I just watch the same old bullshit happen in Oz. The same old shit. After a while, it becomes less shocking and part of the routine. The routine murders you..I sure as hell know it'll kill me. And you know what?
I hope it does.
Hope Never Stops Coming
Last year, some biological shit hit Oz. I don't know how, but it killed all of the Aryans. Well, that's something to celebrate. I hated them. I hated them for what they made me do. I heard Beecher killed Schillinger, and I was happy for that too. But, anyway, we had to evacuate the prison. Every single one of us. Me, I had to go to Lardner for a long time until Oz got cleaned up. After like 10 months, it finally did, and we were all on our way back to Em City. I didn't give a shit. I didn't care. It was all the same to me. I just needed that high again, damn it. I remember what happened to Guerra, though. He OD'd on the shit, and he ended up nearly killing himself. I didn't care what they did to me. Hell, I hoped I would OD and die. Damn it, that's my desire: to die. My desire to die had become as monotonous as the routine in Oz. Everything about this place is monotonous.
Well, here I am back in Emerald City. I see old faces and some new faces. There's Beecher, Rebadow, Busmalis (I guess they let him out of solitary), O'Reily, Arif and the other Muslims, Redding (guess they let him out too), Poet, Maxwell, Rawls, Pancamo and the wops, Guerra and El Norte, Idzik and...Torquemada. It was all the same old shit. I needed those tabs like now, though.
I saw the faggot getting a massage from the fat guy, the leader of them. Forgot his name.
"Hey, I need some more shit," I told him.
"Hey there, dumpling," he told me. Goddamn it, I hated when he called me that. I felt like punching the shit out of him, but you don't bite the hand that feeds you. "You want some more?"
"Yeah."
"I wasn't talking about the pills, Miguelito. I was referring to our special sessions," said Torquemada. The other fags snickered like it was some kind of joke. All around me, I could see the other guys looking at me, staring at me. I knew why, too. Damn it, I hate this place.
"Look, just give me what I want, alright?"
"Well, looks like you got to pay again."
I sighed. I knew I had to take it in the ass again. I told him to meet me in the storage room. My stomach lurched at the thought of it, but I didn't care. I needed it.
Last year, I lost my parole. That fucker Ruiz denied me, and only cause of his own little grudge against me. I beat the shit out of him last time we met, but it wasn't my fault! He wouldn't give me a chance to explain myself. What the fuck!? I tried to tell him I changed, how much shit I had gone through just so I could go the fuck free already. Ever since then, I tried extra hard to keep a low profile. I wasn't in El Norte no more, and I even did that play thing with O'Reily's mom. I did whatever I could to keep out of trouble. Anything to get away from this place, from the violence, the routine, the overall madness of Oz. Jesus fucking Christ, if only he knew the Hell I had gone through. He didn't listen the first time, and now he won't listen again. What the hell is wrong with this guy? Goddamn it! Now cause of him, I'll never get out of Oz. Never.
Even if I did, I have nothing left on the outside. When I found out Maritza fucked Reynaldo, I lost a piece of myself. I tried to replace it with hope that I took the situation well, but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt. It hurt bad. She never even came to see me when she got out of Parker Women's, she sold my car, then she takes my best friend. Man, I can't help but think if I had done things differently, this shit wouldn't have happened. I was so vain and prideful, and it got me sent here and I lost her as a result. Was it cause of the baby? I think so...I thought I could replace it with Cathy Jo, Cutler's wife. Man, was she something. She made me forget Maritza. She made me forget about everything. I almost didn't want to sell the stuff to her. I wanted to keep it..so I could keep her. But goddamn those pinche Aryans! Fuck them, and fuck Schillinger! I couldn't risk my life over this, I wanted to live to be free. I sold Cathy Jo the shit. I said bye to her. I didn't want to, but I needed to. I should've just let them kill me..
And then there was that faggot Torquemada and his fucking D-tabs! The fag keeps swinging his dick around at me, hoping to put some sort of emotion in me and shit. I told him to get his ass away from me. He just kept coming on to me, over and over. I wanted to beat his ass, but I couldn't. I wanted to go free. But when all was said and done, he probably offered me a way out. I'm not saying I turned into a fag, but man I just didn't give a shit anymore. I've been in here for 6 years, and now I'll never go free. So, I decided to try Torquemada's d-tabs. It was mindblowing as fuck, a lot more stimulating than the tits they got in Oz. It set me free, made me forget. I needed more, I wanted more. But I was tired of violence, I didn't want to kill for the drugs. So, I did what I knew the only other price was: sex. Man, I can't believe I stooped this low. But I don't care, cause every time I take Torquemada in my ass (or the other way around), he gives me more of the good shit. What I really want. I'm no faggot. I just want the d-tabs. They set me free, and it's the only freedom I'll ever taste again. All the while, I just watch the same old bullshit happen in Oz. The same old shit. After a while, it becomes less shocking and part of the routine. The routine murders you..I sure as hell know it'll kill me. And you know what?
I hope it does.
Hope Never Stops Coming
Last year, some biological shit hit Oz. I don't know how, but it killed all of the Aryans. Well, that's something to celebrate. I hated them. I hated them for what they made me do. I heard Beecher killed Schillinger, and I was happy for that too. But, anyway, we had to evacuate the prison. Every single one of us. Me, I had to go to Lardner for a long time until Oz got cleaned up. After like 10 months, it finally did, and we were all on our way back to Em City. I didn't give a shit. I didn't care. It was all the same to me. I just needed that high again, damn it. I remember what happened to Guerra, though. He OD'd on the shit, and he ended up nearly killing himself. I didn't care what they did to me. Hell, I hoped I would OD and die. Damn it, that's my desire: to die. My desire to die had become as monotonous as the routine in Oz. Everything about this place is monotonous.
Well, here I am back in Emerald City. I see old faces and some new faces. There's Beecher, Rebadow, Busmalis (I guess they let him out of solitary), O'Reily, Arif and the other Muslims, Redding (guess they let him out too), Poet, Maxwell, Rawls, Pancamo and the wops, Guerra and El Norte, Idzik and...Torquemada. It was all the same old shit. I needed those tabs like now, though.
I saw the faggot getting a massage from the fat guy, the leader of them. Forgot his name.
"Hey, I need some more shit," I told him.
"Hey there, dumpling," he told me. Goddamn it, I hated when he called me that. I felt like punching the shit out of him, but you don't bite the hand that feeds you. "You want some more?"
"Yeah."
"I wasn't talking about the pills, Miguelito. I was referring to our special sessions," said Torquemada. The other fags snickered like it was some kind of joke. All around me, I could see the other guys looking at me, staring at me. I knew why, too. Damn it, I hate this place.
"Look, just give me what I want, alright?"
"Well, looks like you got to pay again."
I sighed. I knew I had to take it in the ass again. I told him to meet me in the storage room. My stomach lurched at the thought of it, but I didn't care. I needed it.