Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, LOTR, or George Bush. Trust me,
you'd know it if I did.
Harry was sitting in the common room alone.
Harry-where's Ron and Hermione? I think I'll go look for them.
He went up to the boy's dormitory, abandoning his horrific Divination homework. (He had been working on a prediction that Lord of the Rings characters would come and destroy them all) He spotted a large pile of robes on the dormitory floor.
Harry-Uh-oh. Ron? Where are you?
Ron-Ahhhhhhhh! I wasn't doing anything!
Harry tore the curtains back from his four-poster. Ron was sitting there smiling guiltily. Harry leaned over. Ron was trying to hide something.
Percy-What's going on?
Harry-last time I checked, Ron didn't have bushy brown hair.
Percy-RON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Ron-nothing.
Percy tore back the sheet
Percy-Oh my god.
Hermione and Ron were sitting there.butt-naked.
Ron-Er. Hermione said professor Vector said that she would be raped today.
Hermione-oh yeah! HELP, HELP, I'M BEING RAPED!
Malfoy came crashing in through the window after falling out of the sky on a Muggle helicopter he didn't manage to escape from on his broom.
Malfoy-HEY! I want to rape the mudblood too!
Percy-no wonder Ron brought condoms this year.
Hermione-oh Ron you're wearing a condom, are you? Good lord, I didn't notice. Well, that's all right then!
She hid under the covers again, making some very wrong noises.
Ron-OW! All right, all right I'm coming.
He disappeared under the covers too.
Malfoy-all right, that's it!
He pulled the covers back again and climbed into bed too. He shoved Ron off the bed.
Ron-OW! HEY!
Then Hermione started screaming.
Hermione-Malfoy, get off! OW! you're hurting me!
Ron-Hey, professor Vector was right!
Percy-all right, everyone, clear off!
No one was paying attention. instead, Collin and Dennis Creevey came bursting in.
Collin-COOL! Someone's being raped!
He took a picture.
Dennis-What does that mean?
Collin had to go into a corner of the room to give a Human Growth and Development class. Then, Fred and George came bursting in.
Fred-Hey, isn't he in Slytherin?
George-Yea!
Fred-let's pour butterbeer all over him!
George-OK!
So they poured butterbeer all over the bed.
Ron-Hey! that's my bed!
Ginny-Hey! That's my boyfriend!
Malfoy-Ginny!
Hermione-Hey! I'm having a bad day!
Articuno519-welcome to my world.
Percy-CLEAR OFF!
Everyone went back down into the common room besides Ron and Hermione.
Malfoy-so this is what the Gryffindor common room is like!
Back in the Slytherin common room
Pansy-I wonder where Draco is?
Crabbe-Duh.
Goyle-Duh.
All of the sudden, Lord of the Rings characters came bursting in.
Frodo-Hey look, it's Gandalf!
He runs up to hug Dumbledore.
Dumbledore-Get off me! Shouldn't you be in the kitchens, house-elf?
Frodo-DIE! DIE! DIE!
He goes around slashing things and people with Sting.
Aragorn-Give me the nice sword, Frodo, niiiccccee, yes! Nice and easy!
Frodo-DIE!
Aragorn-Oh, for goodness sake!
He grabs the sword out of Frodo's hands by the blade.
Aragorn-OW!
Legolas (Very hot person, erm, elf)-let me help!
He shot Frodo in the ass.
Legolas-I can't believe it! I missed!
Aragorn-what were you aiming for?
Legolas-you don't want to know.
Pansy-OH MY GOD, IT'S ORLANDO BLOOM!!!
Legolas-oh my god, it's a pug-faced idiot!
Pansy starts attacking Aragorn, who was between her and Legolas screaming "Let me at him!" Then, for reasons I do not wish to discuss, George Bush came bursting in.
Bush-Come on, let's make peace by attacking Iraq!
Everyone else in the room, and the world, got out their wands and pointed them at Bush. (yes, even Voldemort)
Everyone in the world (Besides Bush)-AVADA KADAVRA!
George Bush lands on the floor, dead many times over. Everyone held a party in the Slytherin common room, because it was the biggest, and everyone was there already. Malfoy continues to rape Hermione.
The next day in the great hall at breakfast
Harry-Hey look! I found a ring in my scrambled eggs! I wonder what will happen if I put it on?
He put it on and suddenly disappeared.
Harry-Hey, look, a big red eye! I wonder what will happen it I poke it?
Let's not go into details. All I'm saying is he ends up in Middle-Earth.
Ron-Hey look Harry's gone!
Hermione-Yay!
They start making out.
Down in the kitchens
Frodo-Yes! My plan has succeeded!
Dobby-What plan, sir?
Frodo-I have no idea, but it succeeded!
Dobby-BAD DOBBY, BAD DOBBY!
He starts banging his head on things.
Frodo-COOL!
He starts banging his head on things too.
Meanwhile, In the Ravenclaw dormitory
"Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Legolas!" "Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Legolas!" "Oh, Cho!"
This continues for a very long time. (You can imagine what's happening. Well, they deserve each other!) Somehow, Harry pulled the Ring off and ended up in the Ravenclaw dormitory.
Harry-HEY! What do you think you're doing to her, you stupid ugly wanna-b- Robin-Hood idiotic strange weird big-butted dolt?!?!?!
Legolas-WHAT. DID. YOU. CALL. ME?
Harry-uh-oh.
Harry dropped his wand and Legolas threw down what he was holding, which happened to be Cho.
Cho-OW!
Harry lunges across the common room and Legolas runs for Harry. Soon, nothing is to be seen but a cartoon-style dust cloud of whirling fists and flailing kicks. This continues for many minutes until Harry runs off to the hospital wing, bruised, crying, and clutching his dick. Legolas, smiling broadly, turned to Cho. Cho, however had a very shocked and angry look on her face, and as soon as Legolas turned to her, she slapped him hard across the face.
Cho-HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO HARRY, YOU STUPID UGLY WANNA-B-ROBIN-HOOD IDIOTIC STRANGE WEIRD BIG-BUTTED DOLT?! AND WHY DID YOU DROP ME ON THE FLOOR?!?!
She said many other things during this, which I'm not sure I'm allowed to submit. After this outburst, poor Legolas, who had never had a girl turn him down in his life (Well, there was that one.DIFFERENT STORY!) Anyway, he looked shocked and very dazed. he shrugged, and followed Harry's trail of blood to the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey bustled over in that usual bustling way, muttering, as she always did. "Werewolves, dementors, dragons, boggarts, basilisks, and now Lord of the Rings characters! What is this school coming too? More injuries in the past four years than all the rest I've been working here put together." Harry grinned at Legolas, despite the wounds he had gotten from the fight.
Harry-Turned you down, now did she?
Legolas just glared. Aragorn suddenly burst in.
Aragorn-LEGOLAS!! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?!?
Legolas explained.
Legolas-she was pretty! and she seemed really into me
Harry-Did not!
Legolas-Did too!
Harry-Did not!
Legolas-Did too!
Harry-Did not!
Legolas-Did too!
Harry-Did not!
Legolas-Did too!
Harry-Did not!
Legolas-Did too!
Harry-Did not!
Legolas-Did too!
Aragorn-SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!
Legolas & Harry-gulp!
Aragorn-Well dammit, the fellowship is really braking apart now!
Legolas-We're done with the fellowship! We don't have to worry about it anymore!
However, Aragorn was off complaining.
Aragorn-First Gandalf fell, then Borimir died in that tackle football game.or did the orcs kill him? Oh well, then Merry and Pippin got dragged away by orcs. then Frodo got sent to the kitchen to work as a house-elf, and now you get into a big fight over some girl!
Gilderoy Lockhart-and now, my fine young man, I'll be teaching you how to do all of your own stunts in the Lord of the Rings movie!
Aragorn-but I already do all of my own-
Lockhart-so you can be just like Viggo Mortinson!
Aragorn-but I am Viggo-!
Lockhart-FIRST LESSON! LEARNING HOW TO HOLD YOUR SWORD!
Lockhart drops his sword, and Aragorn chops him in half with it.
Harry-ALL HAIL NARSIL!!
Madam Pomfrey-now really, must you be so violent?
Aragorn + Legolas-Yeah, we're used to fighting orcs.
Frodo-EVERYONE MUST NOW DIE! COWER UNDER THE WRATH OF STING!!
Aragorn + Legolas-and him.
9 months later Harry and Legolas are still in the hospital wing when they are visited by Hermione. Unfortunately, no bit of magic was ever discovered to remove that particular thing occurring due to natural causes, so Hermione has to learn how to watch her back the hard way. to make a veeeeerrrrrryyyyy long story short, screaming and moaning can be heard throughout the castle. Then, small wails by those in the hospital wing. by now, Harry and Legolas are good friends. they look at each other and laugh.
Hermione-that's not nice! don't laugh at me in pain!!
Frodo comes in screaming, "don't laugh at me!! don't call me names! don't get your pleasure from my pain!" and Legolas has to strangle him. then Ron came bursting in.
Ron-Hermione! is it a girl or a boy?
Hermione-It's a boy, but he's not yours.
Ron-WHAT?!
Hermione-look.
She holds up a blonde haired gray-eyed baby boy.
Ron-Oh, shit!
The next week in potions.
Hermione-here, Malfoy, you raped me, you deal with the consequences. (those of you who enjoy taking part in acting against child abuse, you might want to stop reading) She drops the baby in Malfoy's cauldron.
Malfoy-EWWWWW!!
Pansy-Draco! what have you been doing with certain mudbloods?!
Malfoy-erm.let's adopt him!
Pansy-DRACO AVARUS MALFOY!
All the Gryffindors burst out laughing.
Snape-Calm down, you little rats, or I'll take 200 points from Gryffindor!
Harry hauls Malfoy's cauldron at Snape's greasy head.
Snape-EWWWWW!! What's this baby doing here?
Malfoy-please, sir, he's mine.
Snape (staring from Malfoy to the baby in horror)-uh.who.?
Malfoy points at Hermione.
Snape (still looking horrified)-As I was saying, we have a new addition to this class who has decided to join us here at Hogwarts. Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood, Middle-Earth.
Legolas-And mind you, you greasy prat, I have two swords, a bow, and a quiver of arrows, and I know how to use them.
Harry-and his fists too. I have exactly 15 new scars to prove it.
Snape (speaking over the class)-today, we will be creating love potions, though I'm sure some members of this class don't need it, Miss Granger.
Meanwhile, In the Ravenclaw dormitory "Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Aragorn!" "Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Aragorn!" "Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Aragorn!" This continues for a very long time. (Again, you can imagine what's happening) "Oh! Oh, Aragorn, where'd you learn to do that? Do it again, please! Oh! Oh, that feels sooo good! Where did you learn that?"
Aragorn-Oh, another young lady, erm elf taught me.
Cho-A house-elf taught you that?
Aragorn-No, no her name is Arwen. I don't even know where she learned it. in fact, I don't think I want to. I'll introduce you to her tomorrow.
Cho-wow. was she a hooker or something?
Aragorn-don't you dare say that about my Arwen! Well, I did know one girl who was a hooker, or at least I think so. she kept trying to get my attention anyway. she got into a spot of trouble with this guy named Grima though. her name was Eowyn. I sure learned a lot from her too. then there was my horse.
Cho-your horse?
Aragorn-don't ask.
Cho-OK!
The next day
Aragorn-Hello, Arwen.
Arwen-Hi Aragorn! try these sausages, they're really good. this mortal food isn't bad, is it?
Aragorn gave her a stern look, but took a bite of sausage from her fork. Cho watched the happy couple jealously.
Aragorn-Oh yes, Arwen, I'd like you to meet Cho Chang, she's a student here.
Arwen-human?
nod
Arwen-Mortal?
nod
Arwen-well then (sniff) I guess those of their own race (sniff) really.........do..........b- belong.........together!
She burst into tears, clutching Aragorn's arm, and drawing a lot of attention to their table. Aragorn patted her awkwardly and mouthed across the table to Cho "She's so sensitive!" Unfortunately, his vocal cords slapped together a bit during this miming, and Arwen caught a bit of what he was saying, because she wailed even louder and screamed.
Arwen-WELL IF YOU THINK I'M SO SENSITIVE, YOU SHOULD FIND OUT WHAT IT'S LIKE HAVING A BUNCH OF OTHER GIRLS HOG YOUR GUY!
she ran, sobbing, from the great hall. Aragorn stared after her, his mouth hanging open. Cho called after, "Pleased to meet you too!" Aragorn grinned. Later, Arwen and Cho were having tea together. this was Aragorn's idea. Clearly, he wanted the two to get to know each other better, and set up a sort of tea set in the Ravenclaw dormitory. neither of the two were very happy with their surroundings. Aragorn had put up pink streamers and had served tea in flowered plastic tea cups. Aragorn had even put out pretty pretty princess kits out in case the girls got bored. it was all Arwen could do to stop herself from cutting his head off. they did have a raging row, and Arwen had screamed at the top of her lungs something like "AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FIGURE OUT.!!" while Cho was cowering in her dormitory. presently, Arwen was sipping tea with pursed lips. Cho was nearly snoring because Arwen had drilled into her head "Fascinating" stories of her past life. It was a lot like a History of Magic class.
Arwen-.so then I galloped madly into the night, the Ringwraiths chasing after me, close behind. I crossed the river to my people's land and turned. they hadn't followed. "give us the halfling, she-elf!" one called. I replied "If you want him, come and claim him!" so they did, and I called up the horses of the water and they galloped madly, rushing toward us, and overpowering the Ringwraiths, and when the water calmed, they were gone, so then,
Cho-SNORE!
Arwen-so, how did you ever meet my Aragorn?
Cho-huh? what?
Arwen-how did you meet Aragorn?
Cho-Well, I was visiting Harry in the hospital wing when I saw him killing Gilderoy Lockhart,
Arwen-My violent young hero!
Cho-(Sniff, sniff) Right. Anyway, we started talking-
Arwen-WHAT?!?!
Cho-And he was going on about you and this lady Eowyn and-
Arwen-WHAT?!?! ARAGORN!!!
She runs screaming from the dorm.
Cho (Muttering with a broad grin on her face)-And his horse.
Aragorn climbs out from under the table where he was hiding.
Cho-Miracle Arwen didn't notice you.
Aragorn-She doesn't think the world of any other girl I go out with does she? She shouldn't be so concerned. She's going to have to get used to me dating other girls, her dad's rules are too strict. Anyway I deserve other chances don't I?
Cho-Right. yeah, like your horse?
Aragorn-Well, I was pretending my horse was her. honestly, for a while there, I really thought it was!
Cho laughs hysterically. Aragorn frowns. soon, they're making out again. Meanwhile, in potions
Harry-Hey Legolas, after class, do you want to go visit Cho?
Legolas-ooooh, ok!
Harry had slipped some butterbeer in the class and they had been partying silently.
Baby-WAHHHHHH!!!
Harry-Hey Legolas, I think Malfoy's kid is dying from the smell of Snape's greasy hair!
They both laugh.
Baby-Ahh-*
Harry-uh-oh, I think it did die!
Legolas-heh-heh! Oh uh oh, hic, I'm out of butterbeer!
He grabs a bottle from under the desk. he crosses the limit and stands up on the desk and sings an Irish drinking song. Harry stands up and joins him. Bubbles float all around and soon, the rest of the class grabs some butterbeer and sings with them. Everything was going fine until Snape turned around from the chalk board and saw the party.
Snape-500 MILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFENDOR FOR HOLDING A PARTY BEHIND MY BACK IN CLASS!!!
Hermione (who gets drunk really fast) ran up to Snape and kissed him. Snape fainted, and everyone cheered. the poor baby got squished, and the party lasted until lunch. By then, the entire class was drunk. After Lunch, in the Ravenclaw dormitory "Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Aragorn!" "Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Aragorn!" "Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Aragorn!"
Harry-HI, CHO!
Cho screams. Aragorn yells and drops what he's holding, which happens to be Cho. Cho yells again. Legolas follows Harry into the room. They start singing "SHARING AND CARING CAN BE FUN!!!" Harry-Cho, can Legolas and I share you
Cho-WHAT?!
Harry-OK! I GO FIRST!
he pulls Aragorn off the couch and climbs under the blanket in his place.
Aragorn-HEY! No fair!
Legolas shoves him out of the room. Aragorn sees Arwen running madly through the corridors.
Arwen-YES! YES! SUCCESS! I SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL!! etc.
Aragorn (thinking to himself)-SHEESH! I only mentioned Eowyn once!
Arwen appears to be playing with a small object.oh no a time-turner!
Arwen- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH A HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH A HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH A HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Aragorn-Uh- oh.
He chases after her.
Meanwhile
Legolas-HEY! Isn't it my turn yet!
Harry-Just a minute!
Collin-COOL!
he takes a picture.
Dennis-Is he raping her?
Fred-Hey, isn't she in Ravenclaw?
George-Yeah!
Fred-Let's pour butterbeer all over her!
George-OK!
So they poured butterbeer all over the bed. Big mistake.
Harry-OOOOooooOOOOooooo, butterbeer!
Cho-EW! you're drunk! get off! NEXT!
Legolas-Yay!
he runs in too.
Frodo-MUST-BANG-MY-HEAD!
Cho-Ewwww! you're drunk too, Legolas! Get me Aragorn!
Legolas stomps out of the room, very sad. the sight of it makes me want to cry.
Me-It's ok, Legolas, I don't mind if you're drunk! We don't need them, come here!
emcovello-NO! My turn first! we get into a big fight. Legolas watches. It amuses him to see girls fight over him.
Legolas-OK, ARAGORN! IT'S YOUR TURN!
Aragorn-COOL!
He goes inside to Cho.
The good news is this is only fantasy, and it can't hurt you. The bad news is that Frodo discovered butterbeer. use you're imagination. These are the facts: -Things get way out of hand. -Collin goes through 30 rolls of film. -Dobby becomes decapitated (yes, indeed, I am cruel) -for some odd reason, many Prime Ministers from the middle east came to laugh their heads off at George Bush's dead mangled body -In all the confusion, Arwen comes back with a machine gun. now things get even more out of hand (If possible)
Arwen-YES, YES! THE ULTIMITE WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION OF THE FUTURE!
(Hey, she didn't have much time to get her hands on something) she shoots everyone in sight, screaming. Everyone else backed away and began throwing pieces of sugar at her. This only made matters worse as she was sugar high already.
Arwen-THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU MESS WITH MY MAN, YOU LOUSY STUPID FLIRT!
Cho manages to utter the word "Sensitive" before being shot many times and killed. For some odd reason, Eowyn turns up. Arwen shoots her too. I don't think I need to tell you that Arwen has gone crazy, but hey, it was in my first draft! She then shot the fellowship one by one. First Gandalf.
Gandalf-OOOOoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOooooo.!!!!!!!!
it takes him forever to die, just like it takes him forever to do anything else. She shot Frodo. He dropped dead in mid-bang and returned as a ghost to continue to bang his head on things. She shot the rest of the hobbits. There isn't much to say about them. She shot Legolas. (This was the hardest part for me to write Sniff, sniff!) She shot Gimli. YAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!! DIE MIGHTY MIDGET, DIE! She doesn't shoot Borimir because he's already dead. (Hey! that's the first thing that made sense in this story!) Then, she proceeded to shoot the Middle-East prime ministers. George Bush came to life. Everyone helped to kill him. Dumbledore preformed the cruciatus (I spelled it wrong, didn't I?) curse, and Arwen shot him, not quite dead. The, once again, everyone pulled out their wands and said "Avada Kedavra!" in unison. Then, everyone tossed his bloody tortured body into the lake to terrorize the mirfolk should he somehow come to life again. Everyone cheered besides the poor mirfolk. then, Arwen shot Dumbledore.
Hermione-HEY! That's not a nice way to repay him!
Arwen shot her.
Ron-NO, NO! TAKE ME TOO!
She did. Then, Collin took a picture of a bullet speeding toward him. He has a very fast camera.
Dennis-NO, NO! TAKE ME TOO!
Collin came back to life for 5 seconds.
Collin-DENNIS!!!
Arwen kills them both. Fred and George spill butterbeer on her, so she kills them. She spends hours in the kitchens killing house-elves. they are pleased to die as they are pleased to do everything else. Harry throws the Ring at her, and she kills him. Snape became conscious and Arwen killed him. Malfoy (very unwisely) tried to rape her, and she killed him and Crabbe and Goyle. She killed Pansy just because she's ugly. Soon, only she and Aragorn were left in the whole castle, and surrounding grounds. (Hagrid had run into the forbidden forest after throwing muffins at her, but Arwen chased after him on Aragorn's horse. She killed Hagrid. She had fun killing spiders and werewolves and unicorns. Then, she killed the horse. Then she killed Shadowfax. She did not go to Hogsmeade, or I would be here all night and so would you.) It might have been relief, nervousness, craziness, or something else, but Arwen's finger accidentally slipped on the trigger one more time. Aragorn fell dead.
Arwen-WELL DAMMIT, THE LAST 4 HOURS HAVE BEEN FOR NOTHING!
She takes back her necklace and is about to turn to go back to Rivendell when she drops dead of heart failure. A few days later Elrond and his elf- friends are visiting magic places in Britain. They came upon Hogwarts.
Elrond-WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?!?!
Arwen came back to life and shot him for being a stupid restricting father. Frodo the ghost stopped banging his head on things and picked up the gun to shoot Arwen. Then, he pointed it to the narrator.
A/n: SO, TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! I WARNED YOU THIS WAS POINTLESS AND DIDN'T END WELL! AT LEAST I'M NOT THAT DESPERATE FOR REVEIWS! E-MAIL ME IF U THINK I MISSED ANYTHING IMPORTANT! I WROTE THIS WITHIN MANY WEEKS, BUT MOST OF THE TIME I WAS SUGAR-HIGH AS YOU CAN SEE! WELL, ANYWHOOZLES, TOODLY-OO!
Harry was sitting in the common room alone.
Harry-where's Ron and Hermione? I think I'll go look for them.
He went up to the boy's dormitory, abandoning his horrific Divination homework. (He had been working on a prediction that Lord of the Rings characters would come and destroy them all) He spotted a large pile of robes on the dormitory floor.
Harry-Uh-oh. Ron? Where are you?
Ron-Ahhhhhhhh! I wasn't doing anything!
Harry tore the curtains back from his four-poster. Ron was sitting there smiling guiltily. Harry leaned over. Ron was trying to hide something.
Percy-What's going on?
Harry-last time I checked, Ron didn't have bushy brown hair.
Percy-RON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Ron-nothing.
Percy tore back the sheet
Percy-Oh my god.
Hermione and Ron were sitting there.butt-naked.
Ron-Er. Hermione said professor Vector said that she would be raped today.
Hermione-oh yeah! HELP, HELP, I'M BEING RAPED!
Malfoy came crashing in through the window after falling out of the sky on a Muggle helicopter he didn't manage to escape from on his broom.
Malfoy-HEY! I want to rape the mudblood too!
Percy-no wonder Ron brought condoms this year.
Hermione-oh Ron you're wearing a condom, are you? Good lord, I didn't notice. Well, that's all right then!
She hid under the covers again, making some very wrong noises.
Ron-OW! All right, all right I'm coming.
He disappeared under the covers too.
Malfoy-all right, that's it!
He pulled the covers back again and climbed into bed too. He shoved Ron off the bed.
Ron-OW! HEY!
Then Hermione started screaming.
Hermione-Malfoy, get off! OW! you're hurting me!
Ron-Hey, professor Vector was right!
Percy-all right, everyone, clear off!
No one was paying attention. instead, Collin and Dennis Creevey came bursting in.
Collin-COOL! Someone's being raped!
He took a picture.
Dennis-What does that mean?
Collin had to go into a corner of the room to give a Human Growth and Development class. Then, Fred and George came bursting in.
Fred-Hey, isn't he in Slytherin?
George-Yea!
Fred-let's pour butterbeer all over him!
George-OK!
So they poured butterbeer all over the bed.
Ron-Hey! that's my bed!
Ginny-Hey! That's my boyfriend!
Malfoy-Ginny!
Hermione-Hey! I'm having a bad day!
Articuno519-welcome to my world.
Percy-CLEAR OFF!
Everyone went back down into the common room besides Ron and Hermione.
Malfoy-so this is what the Gryffindor common room is like!
Back in the Slytherin common room
Pansy-I wonder where Draco is?
Crabbe-Duh.
Goyle-Duh.
All of the sudden, Lord of the Rings characters came bursting in.
Frodo-Hey look, it's Gandalf!
He runs up to hug Dumbledore.
Dumbledore-Get off me! Shouldn't you be in the kitchens, house-elf?
Frodo-DIE! DIE! DIE!
He goes around slashing things and people with Sting.
Aragorn-Give me the nice sword, Frodo, niiiccccee, yes! Nice and easy!
Frodo-DIE!
Aragorn-Oh, for goodness sake!
He grabs the sword out of Frodo's hands by the blade.
Aragorn-OW!
Legolas (Very hot person, erm, elf)-let me help!
He shot Frodo in the ass.
Legolas-I can't believe it! I missed!
Aragorn-what were you aiming for?
Legolas-you don't want to know.
Pansy-OH MY GOD, IT'S ORLANDO BLOOM!!!
Legolas-oh my god, it's a pug-faced idiot!
Pansy starts attacking Aragorn, who was between her and Legolas screaming "Let me at him!" Then, for reasons I do not wish to discuss, George Bush came bursting in.
Bush-Come on, let's make peace by attacking Iraq!
Everyone else in the room, and the world, got out their wands and pointed them at Bush. (yes, even Voldemort)
Everyone in the world (Besides Bush)-AVADA KADAVRA!
George Bush lands on the floor, dead many times over. Everyone held a party in the Slytherin common room, because it was the biggest, and everyone was there already. Malfoy continues to rape Hermione.
The next day in the great hall at breakfast
Harry-Hey look! I found a ring in my scrambled eggs! I wonder what will happen if I put it on?
He put it on and suddenly disappeared.
Harry-Hey, look, a big red eye! I wonder what will happen it I poke it?
Let's not go into details. All I'm saying is he ends up in Middle-Earth.
Ron-Hey look Harry's gone!
Hermione-Yay!
They start making out.
Down in the kitchens
Frodo-Yes! My plan has succeeded!
Dobby-What plan, sir?
Frodo-I have no idea, but it succeeded!
Dobby-BAD DOBBY, BAD DOBBY!
He starts banging his head on things.
Frodo-COOL!
He starts banging his head on things too.
Meanwhile, In the Ravenclaw dormitory
"Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Legolas!" "Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Legolas!" "Oh, Cho!"
This continues for a very long time. (You can imagine what's happening. Well, they deserve each other!) Somehow, Harry pulled the Ring off and ended up in the Ravenclaw dormitory.
Harry-HEY! What do you think you're doing to her, you stupid ugly wanna-b- Robin-Hood idiotic strange weird big-butted dolt?!?!?!
Legolas-WHAT. DID. YOU. CALL. ME?
Harry-uh-oh.
Harry dropped his wand and Legolas threw down what he was holding, which happened to be Cho.
Cho-OW!
Harry lunges across the common room and Legolas runs for Harry. Soon, nothing is to be seen but a cartoon-style dust cloud of whirling fists and flailing kicks. This continues for many minutes until Harry runs off to the hospital wing, bruised, crying, and clutching his dick. Legolas, smiling broadly, turned to Cho. Cho, however had a very shocked and angry look on her face, and as soon as Legolas turned to her, she slapped him hard across the face.
Cho-HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO HARRY, YOU STUPID UGLY WANNA-B-ROBIN-HOOD IDIOTIC STRANGE WEIRD BIG-BUTTED DOLT?! AND WHY DID YOU DROP ME ON THE FLOOR?!?!
She said many other things during this, which I'm not sure I'm allowed to submit. After this outburst, poor Legolas, who had never had a girl turn him down in his life (Well, there was that one.DIFFERENT STORY!) Anyway, he looked shocked and very dazed. he shrugged, and followed Harry's trail of blood to the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey bustled over in that usual bustling way, muttering, as she always did. "Werewolves, dementors, dragons, boggarts, basilisks, and now Lord of the Rings characters! What is this school coming too? More injuries in the past four years than all the rest I've been working here put together." Harry grinned at Legolas, despite the wounds he had gotten from the fight.
Harry-Turned you down, now did she?
Legolas just glared. Aragorn suddenly burst in.
Aragorn-LEGOLAS!! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?!?
Legolas explained.
Legolas-she was pretty! and she seemed really into me
Harry-Did not!
Legolas-Did too!
Harry-Did not!
Legolas-Did too!
Harry-Did not!
Legolas-Did too!
Harry-Did not!
Legolas-Did too!
Harry-Did not!
Legolas-Did too!
Harry-Did not!
Legolas-Did too!
Aragorn-SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!
Legolas & Harry-gulp!
Aragorn-Well dammit, the fellowship is really braking apart now!
Legolas-We're done with the fellowship! We don't have to worry about it anymore!
However, Aragorn was off complaining.
Aragorn-First Gandalf fell, then Borimir died in that tackle football game.or did the orcs kill him? Oh well, then Merry and Pippin got dragged away by orcs. then Frodo got sent to the kitchen to work as a house-elf, and now you get into a big fight over some girl!
Gilderoy Lockhart-and now, my fine young man, I'll be teaching you how to do all of your own stunts in the Lord of the Rings movie!
Aragorn-but I already do all of my own-
Lockhart-so you can be just like Viggo Mortinson!
Aragorn-but I am Viggo-!
Lockhart-FIRST LESSON! LEARNING HOW TO HOLD YOUR SWORD!
Lockhart drops his sword, and Aragorn chops him in half with it.
Harry-ALL HAIL NARSIL!!
Madam Pomfrey-now really, must you be so violent?
Aragorn + Legolas-Yeah, we're used to fighting orcs.
Frodo-EVERYONE MUST NOW DIE! COWER UNDER THE WRATH OF STING!!
Aragorn + Legolas-and him.
9 months later Harry and Legolas are still in the hospital wing when they are visited by Hermione. Unfortunately, no bit of magic was ever discovered to remove that particular thing occurring due to natural causes, so Hermione has to learn how to watch her back the hard way. to make a veeeeerrrrrryyyyy long story short, screaming and moaning can be heard throughout the castle. Then, small wails by those in the hospital wing. by now, Harry and Legolas are good friends. they look at each other and laugh.
Hermione-that's not nice! don't laugh at me in pain!!
Frodo comes in screaming, "don't laugh at me!! don't call me names! don't get your pleasure from my pain!" and Legolas has to strangle him. then Ron came bursting in.
Ron-Hermione! is it a girl or a boy?
Hermione-It's a boy, but he's not yours.
Ron-WHAT?!
Hermione-look.
She holds up a blonde haired gray-eyed baby boy.
Ron-Oh, shit!
The next week in potions.
Hermione-here, Malfoy, you raped me, you deal with the consequences. (those of you who enjoy taking part in acting against child abuse, you might want to stop reading) She drops the baby in Malfoy's cauldron.
Malfoy-EWWWWW!!
Pansy-Draco! what have you been doing with certain mudbloods?!
Malfoy-erm.let's adopt him!
Pansy-DRACO AVARUS MALFOY!
All the Gryffindors burst out laughing.
Snape-Calm down, you little rats, or I'll take 200 points from Gryffindor!
Harry hauls Malfoy's cauldron at Snape's greasy head.
Snape-EWWWWW!! What's this baby doing here?
Malfoy-please, sir, he's mine.
Snape (staring from Malfoy to the baby in horror)-uh.who.?
Malfoy points at Hermione.
Snape (still looking horrified)-As I was saying, we have a new addition to this class who has decided to join us here at Hogwarts. Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood, Middle-Earth.
Legolas-And mind you, you greasy prat, I have two swords, a bow, and a quiver of arrows, and I know how to use them.
Harry-and his fists too. I have exactly 15 new scars to prove it.
Snape (speaking over the class)-today, we will be creating love potions, though I'm sure some members of this class don't need it, Miss Granger.
Meanwhile, In the Ravenclaw dormitory "Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Aragorn!" "Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Aragorn!" "Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Aragorn!" This continues for a very long time. (Again, you can imagine what's happening) "Oh! Oh, Aragorn, where'd you learn to do that? Do it again, please! Oh! Oh, that feels sooo good! Where did you learn that?"
Aragorn-Oh, another young lady, erm elf taught me.
Cho-A house-elf taught you that?
Aragorn-No, no her name is Arwen. I don't even know where she learned it. in fact, I don't think I want to. I'll introduce you to her tomorrow.
Cho-wow. was she a hooker or something?
Aragorn-don't you dare say that about my Arwen! Well, I did know one girl who was a hooker, or at least I think so. she kept trying to get my attention anyway. she got into a spot of trouble with this guy named Grima though. her name was Eowyn. I sure learned a lot from her too. then there was my horse.
Cho-your horse?
Aragorn-don't ask.
Cho-OK!
The next day
Aragorn-Hello, Arwen.
Arwen-Hi Aragorn! try these sausages, they're really good. this mortal food isn't bad, is it?
Aragorn gave her a stern look, but took a bite of sausage from her fork. Cho watched the happy couple jealously.
Aragorn-Oh yes, Arwen, I'd like you to meet Cho Chang, she's a student here.
Arwen-human?
nod
Arwen-Mortal?
nod
Arwen-well then (sniff) I guess those of their own race (sniff) really.........do..........b- belong.........together!
She burst into tears, clutching Aragorn's arm, and drawing a lot of attention to their table. Aragorn patted her awkwardly and mouthed across the table to Cho "She's so sensitive!" Unfortunately, his vocal cords slapped together a bit during this miming, and Arwen caught a bit of what he was saying, because she wailed even louder and screamed.
Arwen-WELL IF YOU THINK I'M SO SENSITIVE, YOU SHOULD FIND OUT WHAT IT'S LIKE HAVING A BUNCH OF OTHER GIRLS HOG YOUR GUY!
she ran, sobbing, from the great hall. Aragorn stared after her, his mouth hanging open. Cho called after, "Pleased to meet you too!" Aragorn grinned. Later, Arwen and Cho were having tea together. this was Aragorn's idea. Clearly, he wanted the two to get to know each other better, and set up a sort of tea set in the Ravenclaw dormitory. neither of the two were very happy with their surroundings. Aragorn had put up pink streamers and had served tea in flowered plastic tea cups. Aragorn had even put out pretty pretty princess kits out in case the girls got bored. it was all Arwen could do to stop herself from cutting his head off. they did have a raging row, and Arwen had screamed at the top of her lungs something like "AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FIGURE OUT.!!" while Cho was cowering in her dormitory. presently, Arwen was sipping tea with pursed lips. Cho was nearly snoring because Arwen had drilled into her head "Fascinating" stories of her past life. It was a lot like a History of Magic class.
Arwen-.so then I galloped madly into the night, the Ringwraiths chasing after me, close behind. I crossed the river to my people's land and turned. they hadn't followed. "give us the halfling, she-elf!" one called. I replied "If you want him, come and claim him!" so they did, and I called up the horses of the water and they galloped madly, rushing toward us, and overpowering the Ringwraiths, and when the water calmed, they were gone, so then,
Cho-SNORE!
Arwen-so, how did you ever meet my Aragorn?
Cho-huh? what?
Arwen-how did you meet Aragorn?
Cho-Well, I was visiting Harry in the hospital wing when I saw him killing Gilderoy Lockhart,
Arwen-My violent young hero!
Cho-(Sniff, sniff) Right. Anyway, we started talking-
Arwen-WHAT?!?!
Cho-And he was going on about you and this lady Eowyn and-
Arwen-WHAT?!?! ARAGORN!!!
She runs screaming from the dorm.
Cho (Muttering with a broad grin on her face)-And his horse.
Aragorn climbs out from under the table where he was hiding.
Cho-Miracle Arwen didn't notice you.
Aragorn-She doesn't think the world of any other girl I go out with does she? She shouldn't be so concerned. She's going to have to get used to me dating other girls, her dad's rules are too strict. Anyway I deserve other chances don't I?
Cho-Right. yeah, like your horse?
Aragorn-Well, I was pretending my horse was her. honestly, for a while there, I really thought it was!
Cho laughs hysterically. Aragorn frowns. soon, they're making out again. Meanwhile, in potions
Harry-Hey Legolas, after class, do you want to go visit Cho?
Legolas-ooooh, ok!
Harry had slipped some butterbeer in the class and they had been partying silently.
Baby-WAHHHHHH!!!
Harry-Hey Legolas, I think Malfoy's kid is dying from the smell of Snape's greasy hair!
They both laugh.
Baby-Ahh-*
Harry-uh-oh, I think it did die!
Legolas-heh-heh! Oh uh oh, hic, I'm out of butterbeer!
He grabs a bottle from under the desk. he crosses the limit and stands up on the desk and sings an Irish drinking song. Harry stands up and joins him. Bubbles float all around and soon, the rest of the class grabs some butterbeer and sings with them. Everything was going fine until Snape turned around from the chalk board and saw the party.
Snape-500 MILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFENDOR FOR HOLDING A PARTY BEHIND MY BACK IN CLASS!!!
Hermione (who gets drunk really fast) ran up to Snape and kissed him. Snape fainted, and everyone cheered. the poor baby got squished, and the party lasted until lunch. By then, the entire class was drunk. After Lunch, in the Ravenclaw dormitory "Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Aragorn!" "Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Aragorn!" "Oh, Cho!" "Oh, Aragorn!"
Harry-HI, CHO!
Cho screams. Aragorn yells and drops what he's holding, which happens to be Cho. Cho yells again. Legolas follows Harry into the room. They start singing "SHARING AND CARING CAN BE FUN!!!" Harry-Cho, can Legolas and I share you
Cho-WHAT?!
Harry-OK! I GO FIRST!
he pulls Aragorn off the couch and climbs under the blanket in his place.
Aragorn-HEY! No fair!
Legolas shoves him out of the room. Aragorn sees Arwen running madly through the corridors.
Arwen-YES! YES! SUCCESS! I SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL!! etc.
Aragorn (thinking to himself)-SHEESH! I only mentioned Eowyn once!
Arwen appears to be playing with a small object.oh no a time-turner!
Arwen- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH A HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH A HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH A HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Aragorn-Uh- oh.
He chases after her.
Meanwhile
Legolas-HEY! Isn't it my turn yet!
Harry-Just a minute!
Collin-COOL!
he takes a picture.
Dennis-Is he raping her?
Fred-Hey, isn't she in Ravenclaw?
George-Yeah!
Fred-Let's pour butterbeer all over her!
George-OK!
So they poured butterbeer all over the bed. Big mistake.
Harry-OOOOooooOOOOooooo, butterbeer!
Cho-EW! you're drunk! get off! NEXT!
Legolas-Yay!
he runs in too.
Frodo-MUST-BANG-MY-HEAD!
Cho-Ewwww! you're drunk too, Legolas! Get me Aragorn!
Legolas stomps out of the room, very sad. the sight of it makes me want to cry.
Me-It's ok, Legolas, I don't mind if you're drunk! We don't need them, come here!
emcovello-NO! My turn first! we get into a big fight. Legolas watches. It amuses him to see girls fight over him.
Legolas-OK, ARAGORN! IT'S YOUR TURN!
Aragorn-COOL!
He goes inside to Cho.
The good news is this is only fantasy, and it can't hurt you. The bad news is that Frodo discovered butterbeer. use you're imagination. These are the facts: -Things get way out of hand. -Collin goes through 30 rolls of film. -Dobby becomes decapitated (yes, indeed, I am cruel) -for some odd reason, many Prime Ministers from the middle east came to laugh their heads off at George Bush's dead mangled body -In all the confusion, Arwen comes back with a machine gun. now things get even more out of hand (If possible)
Arwen-YES, YES! THE ULTIMITE WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION OF THE FUTURE!
(Hey, she didn't have much time to get her hands on something) she shoots everyone in sight, screaming. Everyone else backed away and began throwing pieces of sugar at her. This only made matters worse as she was sugar high already.
Arwen-THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU MESS WITH MY MAN, YOU LOUSY STUPID FLIRT!
Cho manages to utter the word "Sensitive" before being shot many times and killed. For some odd reason, Eowyn turns up. Arwen shoots her too. I don't think I need to tell you that Arwen has gone crazy, but hey, it was in my first draft! She then shot the fellowship one by one. First Gandalf.
Gandalf-OOOOoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOooooo.!!!!!!!!
it takes him forever to die, just like it takes him forever to do anything else. She shot Frodo. He dropped dead in mid-bang and returned as a ghost to continue to bang his head on things. She shot the rest of the hobbits. There isn't much to say about them. She shot Legolas. (This was the hardest part for me to write Sniff, sniff!) She shot Gimli. YAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!! DIE MIGHTY MIDGET, DIE! She doesn't shoot Borimir because he's already dead. (Hey! that's the first thing that made sense in this story!) Then, she proceeded to shoot the Middle-East prime ministers. George Bush came to life. Everyone helped to kill him. Dumbledore preformed the cruciatus (I spelled it wrong, didn't I?) curse, and Arwen shot him, not quite dead. The, once again, everyone pulled out their wands and said "Avada Kedavra!" in unison. Then, everyone tossed his bloody tortured body into the lake to terrorize the mirfolk should he somehow come to life again. Everyone cheered besides the poor mirfolk. then, Arwen shot Dumbledore.
Hermione-HEY! That's not a nice way to repay him!
Arwen shot her.
Ron-NO, NO! TAKE ME TOO!
She did. Then, Collin took a picture of a bullet speeding toward him. He has a very fast camera.
Dennis-NO, NO! TAKE ME TOO!
Collin came back to life for 5 seconds.
Collin-DENNIS!!!
Arwen kills them both. Fred and George spill butterbeer on her, so she kills them. She spends hours in the kitchens killing house-elves. they are pleased to die as they are pleased to do everything else. Harry throws the Ring at her, and she kills him. Snape became conscious and Arwen killed him. Malfoy (very unwisely) tried to rape her, and she killed him and Crabbe and Goyle. She killed Pansy just because she's ugly. Soon, only she and Aragorn were left in the whole castle, and surrounding grounds. (Hagrid had run into the forbidden forest after throwing muffins at her, but Arwen chased after him on Aragorn's horse. She killed Hagrid. She had fun killing spiders and werewolves and unicorns. Then, she killed the horse. Then she killed Shadowfax. She did not go to Hogsmeade, or I would be here all night and so would you.) It might have been relief, nervousness, craziness, or something else, but Arwen's finger accidentally slipped on the trigger one more time. Aragorn fell dead.
Arwen-WELL DAMMIT, THE LAST 4 HOURS HAVE BEEN FOR NOTHING!
She takes back her necklace and is about to turn to go back to Rivendell when she drops dead of heart failure. A few days later Elrond and his elf- friends are visiting magic places in Britain. They came upon Hogwarts.
Elrond-WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?!?!
Arwen came back to life and shot him for being a stupid restricting father. Frodo the ghost stopped banging his head on things and picked up the gun to shoot Arwen. Then, he pointed it to the narrator.
A/n: SO, TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! I WARNED YOU THIS WAS POINTLESS AND DIDN'T END WELL! AT LEAST I'M NOT THAT DESPERATE FOR REVEIWS! E-MAIL ME IF U THINK I MISSED ANYTHING IMPORTANT! I WROTE THIS WITHIN MANY WEEKS, BUT MOST OF THE TIME I WAS SUGAR-HIGH AS YOU CAN SEE! WELL, ANYWHOOZLES, TOODLY-OO!