Her hands wouldn't stop shaking.
There she stood underneath the showerhead, furiously scrubbing her skin as if she were trying to wash the guilt itself away. She had stood with the others during Alex's wake, she had watched them argue over the circumstances of Alex's death. She watched as Liz, Maria, and Kyle agree that Alex's death was caused by an alien. If only they knew that she was that alien.
Her hands wouldn't stop shaking.
After she got back from Alex's wake she cleaned practically every inch of the house, rode Jim's excerise bike, even tried meditation that she had read in one of Kyle's books. But no matter what she tried her hands wouldn't stop shaking.
She had asked herself time and time again. Why? Why were they shaking? And why wouldn't they stop? But she already knew the answers to those questions. She had killed someone, and not just anyone, one of the only real friends she ever had. He trusted her, accepted her, and in the end she betrayed him, used him, and killed him.
It happened so fast, she was sitting in bed painting her toenails when Alex burst into the room. He started pacing around the room ranting and raving. At first Tess didn't know what to make of his behaviour. And then it finally occured to her. The mindwarp had warn off, she didn't know if that was even possible but it had happened. She began to panic, this wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to remember anything, now that he knew he was going to tell the others. She mindwarped Alex again, so that he wouldn't remember what he had discovered. Only this time Alex died as a result of the mindwarp, it killed him.
All her thoughts came to a halt when a single tear fell down her cheek. She angrily wiped the tear away and stepped out of the shower. She hadn't broken down yet and she wasn't about to now. She stood in front of the vanity mirror and looked herself straight in the eye.
"Stop it," she said to herself. "You did what you had to do. Alex would have ruined everything. You're going home and nothing is going to get in your way."
Convinced that the problem was taken care of, Tess stepped back into the shower. She began lathering her legs when she noticed that her hands were still shaking. She froze in place, her mind in deep thought. Tess sat on the floor of the shower stall, pulling her knees up to her chest. She could barely breathe, until she finally cried out.
"Oh Alex! I'm sorry," Tess sobbed, her face buried in her hands. "I'm so sorry."
The tears finally came, and once they did, they didn't stop for quite some time. Alex was dead, and it was all her fault, if she hadn't been so adamant about keeping her promise to Nasedo and fulfill the deal he made with Khivar forty years earlier. She contiued to cry, but she wasn't the only person she cried for. She cried for Alex, for ending his life so soon. She cried for Isabel, for taking the life of the boy she loved from her. She cried for Maria for losing her best friend. And she cried for Liz for losing the boy she had considered a brother.
She couldn't believe it, here she was crying for Liz. The girl who had taken Max away from her, Max was hers. He belonged to her, they belonged together. It was their destiny, why couldn't anyone see that? She didn't care that Michael and Isabel didn't follow their destiny. All that mattered was Max, that she and Max were together. It's all she was raised to believe. Nasedo had told her it was all that was mattered.
Nasedo. Where was he when she needed him. He was always there for her, always there to take away the fear, the pain, the anger, the joy, the happiness. Take it all away.
Tess's thoughts drifted towards Kyle, she had used him to help get rid of Alex's body. She never had any intention of getting close to Kyle, but she actually found herself caring for him. He had managed to creep into her heart and claim a place in there. She felt different around Kyle, like she wasn't herself. He trusted her, never once questioned her. And she had used him, used him to help get rid of Alex's body. If he ever found out, Tess couldn't bare to think what Kyle's reaction would be.
Nasedo had told her about a deal he had made with Khivar. A deal that would bring an end to the war and all the senseless killing. The deal that would restore her to the rightful place as the queen. Nasedo told her that if anything ever happened to him then she would have to complete the mission. That it was her mission as the queen of Antar to perserve the peace. And for the first time since, she felt as if she couldn't fulfill the mission. Then it became clear to her. She couldn't do it, not like this. Not with all these emotions swirling around in her head. After a long while Tess finally had the solution, the only solution that would allow her to complete the mission.
Turning off the shower, she wrapped a towel around herself and headed to her room. Once inside she opened the closet door revealing the mirror. Tess took one last look at herself, the self she would no longer remember. She closed her eyes and began concentrating. She searched her mind and found the feelings that were causing her difficulty. The feelings of guilt she had for Alex's death, of doubt she had about completely her mission, and the feelings that she was betraying her friends. Taking a deep breath she began the mindwarp and erased those feelings. When it was done she looked in the mirror and smiled. With a satisfied look on her face she dried herself off and got dressed. Soon she would have Max, her child, and more importantly her way home.
TBC...