The Very Secret Diary of an Evil Staff Member (Number 1)
Day 1 - Monday
Always wondered what was like to be staff member. Now know. Am lord and master of all band, even nancing drum major. Director pays me to torture smallish high school band nerds.
Am enjoying this job.
Day 2 - Tuesday
Had fun making band do 200 push ups. Not in a row but spread out. Is fun to watch them pick tubas up, and then put them back down to do more push ups.
Noticed certain drummer has sexy tan line. Stupid drummers always taking their shirts off.
Day 3 - Wednesday
Made band run mile in block today. Amused myself calling them "stragglers." Conveniently forgot to give them water break afterwards.
Day 4 - Thursday
Have found new best friend. Name is Dr. Beat. New friend emits painfully loud beeps and clicks at my command. Can now use Dr. Beat to drive band insane under the pretense of "keeping them in time."
Will start plus drill tomorrow.
Day 5 - Friday
Plus drill fun, especially with new friend. Turned Dr. Beat up to 200 bpm and made band march to it. Then yelled at them for messing up. Asked why they could do plus drill at 130 bpm but not at 200 bpm. Band looked at me like I was stupid.
Will make them pay for such cheek.
Day 6 - Saturday
Bad day today. First other evil staff member comes to me complaining. Says he can't find his powerade. Thinks I took it. Preposterous. Hate powerade; prefer gatorade.
Found bottle of yellow powerade later behind goalpost, but did not comment, was so put off.
Next nancing drum major came crying to me on account of the freshmen filling his whistle with pepsi. Stupid sot. Obviously doesn't know that such problems are taken to director, not evil staff member like me.
Was so busy being complained to that did not get chance to punish band. Will make them pay twofold come Monday.
Day 7 - Sunday
Spent day thinking up creative running exercises to implement on the morrow. Go me.
Day 8 - Monday
Implemented creative running exercises. Go me.
Stupid nancing drum major still on about stupid whistle. Is getting rather annoying. Am most put off, for underlings supposed to be reverent and humble, not annoying.
Scrawny tuba player says the fat pit girl is stuck in tuba cubby. Must pause a moment to scoff. Fat pit girl could NEVER fit into tuba cubby. Tuba player a dirty liar. Will definitely coach tuba section on arc dress tomorrow.
Day 9 - Tuesday
Tuba player not a dirty liar. Coached tubas on arc dress anyway.
Sexy drummer did not remove shirt today. Wonder why.
Day 10 - Wednesday
Cannot practice as is raining.
Stupid rain.
Day 11 - Thursday
After today's torture session, observed largish DaGlo green structure in brass room for first time. Turned out to be tennis balls upon closer examination.
Ah, high school.
Day 12 - Friday
Poked fun at alternates awhile before going off to torment trumpets. Made entire section run laps because one of them had his shirt untucked.
Tennis ball structure gone. Wonder why.
Day 13 - Saturday
Last day of band camp. *sniffle* At least get to rule supreme three nights a week and most Saturdays until December. Do not feel so bad anymore.
In celebration of last day, underlings burned nerdy-looking kid in middle of field. Then ate hot dogs.
Sexy drummer absent however. Again wonder why.
Day 14 - Sunday
A whole day with no one to torture! Will surely go crazy. On plus side, have been hired by nancing drum major to snipe off freshmen band geeks. Go me.
Day 1 - Monday
Always wondered what was like to be staff member. Now know. Am lord and master of all band, even nancing drum major. Director pays me to torture smallish high school band nerds.
Am enjoying this job.
Day 2 - Tuesday
Had fun making band do 200 push ups. Not in a row but spread out. Is fun to watch them pick tubas up, and then put them back down to do more push ups.
Noticed certain drummer has sexy tan line. Stupid drummers always taking their shirts off.
Day 3 - Wednesday
Made band run mile in block today. Amused myself calling them "stragglers." Conveniently forgot to give them water break afterwards.
Day 4 - Thursday
Have found new best friend. Name is Dr. Beat. New friend emits painfully loud beeps and clicks at my command. Can now use Dr. Beat to drive band insane under the pretense of "keeping them in time."
Will start plus drill tomorrow.
Day 5 - Friday
Plus drill fun, especially with new friend. Turned Dr. Beat up to 200 bpm and made band march to it. Then yelled at them for messing up. Asked why they could do plus drill at 130 bpm but not at 200 bpm. Band looked at me like I was stupid.
Will make them pay for such cheek.
Day 6 - Saturday
Bad day today. First other evil staff member comes to me complaining. Says he can't find his powerade. Thinks I took it. Preposterous. Hate powerade; prefer gatorade.
Found bottle of yellow powerade later behind goalpost, but did not comment, was so put off.
Next nancing drum major came crying to me on account of the freshmen filling his whistle with pepsi. Stupid sot. Obviously doesn't know that such problems are taken to director, not evil staff member like me.
Was so busy being complained to that did not get chance to punish band. Will make them pay twofold come Monday.
Day 7 - Sunday
Spent day thinking up creative running exercises to implement on the morrow. Go me.
Day 8 - Monday
Implemented creative running exercises. Go me.
Stupid nancing drum major still on about stupid whistle. Is getting rather annoying. Am most put off, for underlings supposed to be reverent and humble, not annoying.
Scrawny tuba player says the fat pit girl is stuck in tuba cubby. Must pause a moment to scoff. Fat pit girl could NEVER fit into tuba cubby. Tuba player a dirty liar. Will definitely coach tuba section on arc dress tomorrow.
Day 9 - Tuesday
Tuba player not a dirty liar. Coached tubas on arc dress anyway.
Sexy drummer did not remove shirt today. Wonder why.
Day 10 - Wednesday
Cannot practice as is raining.
Stupid rain.
Day 11 - Thursday
After today's torture session, observed largish DaGlo green structure in brass room for first time. Turned out to be tennis balls upon closer examination.
Ah, high school.
Day 12 - Friday
Poked fun at alternates awhile before going off to torment trumpets. Made entire section run laps because one of them had his shirt untucked.
Tennis ball structure gone. Wonder why.
Day 13 - Saturday
Last day of band camp. *sniffle* At least get to rule supreme three nights a week and most Saturdays until December. Do not feel so bad anymore.
In celebration of last day, underlings burned nerdy-looking kid in middle of field. Then ate hot dogs.
Sexy drummer absent however. Again wonder why.
Day 14 - Sunday
A whole day with no one to torture! Will surely go crazy. On plus side, have been hired by nancing drum major to snipe off freshmen band geeks. Go me.