The Purple Swirly Crossover Part Six
~~
Reviewer Response:
I-Am-Bug: Ooooooooof course they were, Chekov. Now trot along back to lala land...
Broken Infinity: Yes. You do that.
Dixie: It's not the funniest of my stories...perhaps the most random and weird instead.
~~
[TOS: Bridge]
Picard(over screen): GIVE ME BACK MY FIRST OFFICER AND MY RED SHIRTS!
Kirk: Two things. 1) One of the Red Shirts is dead. 2) What about your councillor?
Picard: Two things. 1) I knew they were going to die and 2) You may keep her.
Rand: YAY! More women!
Kirk: Nuuu! Nu, we'll send her back.
Spock: Spelling "no" in this manner is not logical.
Kirk: I nu...
Spock: Shut up.
Uhura: Sir, there's another message coming through on the AOL channel. From one "IloveCoffeSoGimmieMore"...it's Captain Janeway, of the Star ship Voyager.
Kirk: And why should we pay attention to her?
Scotty: She has cooler graphics than us. No cardboard; purely computer generated. Me mother would be spinning in her grave.
Scotty's Mother(who looks like Grace from Will&Grace)(With a really fake accent): I'm not dead yet, lad.
Scotty: Ye always have to put me down, don't ye?
Kirk(blinking): Scotty, your mother's about fifteen years younger than you...and she's a babe...
Grace(now speaking normally): Well, your kinda running outa people right now, so Gene kidnapped me.
Picard: Whose Gene?
Kirk: Are you STILL here? Go away; get a life; get a toupee.
Picard: Never sir!
Spock(to Scotty): It is illogical to have a mother who is fifteen years younger than you.
Janeway(appearing on screen): PEOPLE!
[Everyone continues arguing]
Janeway: PEOPLE!
[No effect]
Janeway: THE AUTHOR HAS HEREFORE DECIDED THAT YOU SHALL BE GIVEN A PLOT AND A STORYLINE AND REPEATED ALIENS AND A FEMALE CAPTAIN!
Everyone From TOS: EEK!
Janeway: Sorry, I didn't mean that.
Kirk(grasping at his chest): Female...captain...omigod...
[Kirk collapses. McCoy and Chapel immediately appear and whisk him away]
Spock: Strange how the Author has a reluctance to leave him in charge of anything.
Chekov: Meh.
Tuvok(coming onto Bridge through the same turbo lift McCoy and Chapel and Kirk just disappeared through): This ship is illogical. The briefing room is used as an interrogation chamber, and the walls for sick bay are being re-assembled after being used as the cargo bay walls. Cardboard is very cheap nowadays, gentlemen and ladies.
Grace: You try telling that to the Author; she refuses to post it to us!
Chekov: Vhy?
Janeway: Postal Strike in England.
Chekov: Vell if it had been Russia this vould have newer happened.
Sulu: You're right!
Everyone: GASP!
Sulu: ...in Russia they don't HAVE a Postal Service.
[TNG: Bridge]
Worf: Lets blow them up.
Picard: That will kill everyone!
Worf(nodding): Lets blow them up.
Picard: No dammit! We're only allowed to kill innocent civilians who will come back complaining in thirty years when I'm long dead and the Borg actually decide to do something!
Borg: Pfft.
Yar's Ghost: Sir, the Author has decided to censor that.
Picard: Shut up! You died seven season ago! You have no meaning to us here.
[TOS: Meeting Room. Everyone on board is present. And by that, I mean everyone who has a first and second name and a reasonable background story.]
Chekov: I have three names.
Sulu: And I have a daughter who would be about three years old by now.
Grace: I'm not supposed to be here.
Kirk: I have a T.!
Spock: I have an unprouncable first name. Or so I am told.
Tuvok: That's illogical.
McCoy: I have a dead father...sob...
McCoy: ...But we don't actually know that until The Undiscovered Country, so I'm okay.
Scotty: I have nothing except a criminal record. Remember "Wolf in the Fold"?
Everyone: For the sake of continuity, no.
Riker: Why are we having this conversation?
Kirk: To bore the readers. Now. Lets get down to business. Spock?
Spock: Yes.
[Pause]
Kirk(again, gently coaxing): Spock...?
Spock: Yes Captain?
Kirk: Spock, explain the situation.
Spock: Yes Captain. Sulu.
Sulu: Hmm?
Spock: YOU explain it.
Sulu: Chekov.
Chekov: Uhura.
Uhura: Rand.
Rand: Riley.
Riley: Scotty.
Scotty: Kirk.
Kirk: Riley.
Riley: Why me?
Kirk: You were the one who got written out; now you're being written back in and your complaining?
Riley: No. Okay. (Turning to the 'hostages) Kirk's keeping you hostage 'cos he's jealous of your computer graphics and stuff.
Riker: Hey! We have REALLY BAD special effects!
Bashir: We have an ego-eccentric Captain!
[Cut to: Deep Space Nine. Sisko is sitting still playing with his softball. Cut back to the Briefing Room]
Seven-Of-Nine: And we have Chakotay as a driver.
Sulu: PILOT!
Seven: Whatever.
Kirk: That joke is sooo over-rated. Stop it.
Seven: You were the ones who re-used that scene at the end of "Trouble with Tribbles".
Chekov: For the sake of continuity-
Riker: We know, we know, you don't remember.
Chekov: Not exactly.
Seven: When are we going to get a plot?
Riley: When the Author feels like it.
Uhura(over comm.; she is miraculously back on the Bridge): Sir! Plot on Channel Five!
Kirk: At least!
Mudd(over comm.): Hello, Kirk!
Everyone From TOS: ARRRRGH!!!!
~~
A/N: So you see, the plot is afoot! And about time too....
~~
Reviewer Response:
I-Am-Bug: Ooooooooof course they were, Chekov. Now trot along back to lala land...
Broken Infinity: Yes. You do that.
Dixie: It's not the funniest of my stories...perhaps the most random and weird instead.
~~
[TOS: Bridge]
Picard(over screen): GIVE ME BACK MY FIRST OFFICER AND MY RED SHIRTS!
Kirk: Two things. 1) One of the Red Shirts is dead. 2) What about your councillor?
Picard: Two things. 1) I knew they were going to die and 2) You may keep her.
Rand: YAY! More women!
Kirk: Nuuu! Nu, we'll send her back.
Spock: Spelling "no" in this manner is not logical.
Kirk: I nu...
Spock: Shut up.
Uhura: Sir, there's another message coming through on the AOL channel. From one "IloveCoffeSoGimmieMore"...it's Captain Janeway, of the Star ship Voyager.
Kirk: And why should we pay attention to her?
Scotty: She has cooler graphics than us. No cardboard; purely computer generated. Me mother would be spinning in her grave.
Scotty's Mother(who looks like Grace from Will&Grace)(With a really fake accent): I'm not dead yet, lad.
Scotty: Ye always have to put me down, don't ye?
Kirk(blinking): Scotty, your mother's about fifteen years younger than you...and she's a babe...
Grace(now speaking normally): Well, your kinda running outa people right now, so Gene kidnapped me.
Picard: Whose Gene?
Kirk: Are you STILL here? Go away; get a life; get a toupee.
Picard: Never sir!
Spock(to Scotty): It is illogical to have a mother who is fifteen years younger than you.
Janeway(appearing on screen): PEOPLE!
[Everyone continues arguing]
Janeway: PEOPLE!
[No effect]
Janeway: THE AUTHOR HAS HEREFORE DECIDED THAT YOU SHALL BE GIVEN A PLOT AND A STORYLINE AND REPEATED ALIENS AND A FEMALE CAPTAIN!
Everyone From TOS: EEK!
Janeway: Sorry, I didn't mean that.
Kirk(grasping at his chest): Female...captain...omigod...
[Kirk collapses. McCoy and Chapel immediately appear and whisk him away]
Spock: Strange how the Author has a reluctance to leave him in charge of anything.
Chekov: Meh.
Tuvok(coming onto Bridge through the same turbo lift McCoy and Chapel and Kirk just disappeared through): This ship is illogical. The briefing room is used as an interrogation chamber, and the walls for sick bay are being re-assembled after being used as the cargo bay walls. Cardboard is very cheap nowadays, gentlemen and ladies.
Grace: You try telling that to the Author; she refuses to post it to us!
Chekov: Vhy?
Janeway: Postal Strike in England.
Chekov: Vell if it had been Russia this vould have newer happened.
Sulu: You're right!
Everyone: GASP!
Sulu: ...in Russia they don't HAVE a Postal Service.
[TNG: Bridge]
Worf: Lets blow them up.
Picard: That will kill everyone!
Worf(nodding): Lets blow them up.
Picard: No dammit! We're only allowed to kill innocent civilians who will come back complaining in thirty years when I'm long dead and the Borg actually decide to do something!
Borg: Pfft.
Yar's Ghost: Sir, the Author has decided to censor that.
Picard: Shut up! You died seven season ago! You have no meaning to us here.
[TOS: Meeting Room. Everyone on board is present. And by that, I mean everyone who has a first and second name and a reasonable background story.]
Chekov: I have three names.
Sulu: And I have a daughter who would be about three years old by now.
Grace: I'm not supposed to be here.
Kirk: I have a T.!
Spock: I have an unprouncable first name. Or so I am told.
Tuvok: That's illogical.
McCoy: I have a dead father...sob...
McCoy: ...But we don't actually know that until The Undiscovered Country, so I'm okay.
Scotty: I have nothing except a criminal record. Remember "Wolf in the Fold"?
Everyone: For the sake of continuity, no.
Riker: Why are we having this conversation?
Kirk: To bore the readers. Now. Lets get down to business. Spock?
Spock: Yes.
[Pause]
Kirk(again, gently coaxing): Spock...?
Spock: Yes Captain?
Kirk: Spock, explain the situation.
Spock: Yes Captain. Sulu.
Sulu: Hmm?
Spock: YOU explain it.
Sulu: Chekov.
Chekov: Uhura.
Uhura: Rand.
Rand: Riley.
Riley: Scotty.
Scotty: Kirk.
Kirk: Riley.
Riley: Why me?
Kirk: You were the one who got written out; now you're being written back in and your complaining?
Riley: No. Okay. (Turning to the 'hostages) Kirk's keeping you hostage 'cos he's jealous of your computer graphics and stuff.
Riker: Hey! We have REALLY BAD special effects!
Bashir: We have an ego-eccentric Captain!
[Cut to: Deep Space Nine. Sisko is sitting still playing with his softball. Cut back to the Briefing Room]
Seven-Of-Nine: And we have Chakotay as a driver.
Sulu: PILOT!
Seven: Whatever.
Kirk: That joke is sooo over-rated. Stop it.
Seven: You were the ones who re-used that scene at the end of "Trouble with Tribbles".
Chekov: For the sake of continuity-
Riker: We know, we know, you don't remember.
Chekov: Not exactly.
Seven: When are we going to get a plot?
Riley: When the Author feels like it.
Uhura(over comm.; she is miraculously back on the Bridge): Sir! Plot on Channel Five!
Kirk: At least!
Mudd(over comm.): Hello, Kirk!
Everyone From TOS: ARRRRGH!!!!
~~
A/N: So you see, the plot is afoot! And about time too....