The first few weeks at Storm Keep passed quickly; once I settled in and learned the rhythm of the days, I was too busy to think often about my companions at Twilight Keep. Aragorn sent several messages by rider, and each letter contained a carefully worded note from Legolas. I was puzzled by the distant, formal tone of the notes until I realized that he was concerned that the letters might be read by Varyar. I tried to write as often as I could, mostly short notes about my duties and my students. I wanted to discuss the defense of the Keep but was sadly aware that any message with too much detail could potentially be captured by our enemies.
Sára stepped in to take over what should have been my own combat students; I gratefully allowed her to push me out of that duty, knowing as well as she that I could hardly teach what I did not myself know how to do. This, in turn, freed me to work more closely with the half-dozen Gifted students, each of whom showed some promise at Magery. I couldn't help them much beyond teaching them to shield and to work a few simple castings, but they certainly needed what little I could teach. I also had duties teaching both Talented and unTalented children; the Elders asked me to instruct them in languages and the information I had gathered in my travels.
Two months slid by in a comfortable pattern of study and work, and we all began to feel that the storm of war had passed us by. I slowly adjusted to the customs of the place; I reluctantly adopted the shroud-like veil worn by most of the women but remained deeply resentful that the same was not expected of Sára. I tried to fit in with my Clanspeople yet somehow always remained on the fringes, unacknowledged, barely tolerated.
Rain and my father were exceptions to the shunning; they each sought my company whenever possible. With them, I began to feel as if I had a family again, one that would not turn me out or abandon me for any reason. Father asked questions constantly, wanting to know every detail of my life. He was delighted that I had found someone to care for and often mentioned that he wanted to meet Legolas. Rain became my constant companion; he and Sara and I spent most of our leisure time together. Despite their companionship, I was terribly lonely; accustomed to the constant presence of friendly people, the sparse, silent halls of Storm Keep seemed like the worst kind of prison. I did not sleep but that I dreamed of Legolas and sunlight.
A third month passed; snow lay deep in the forests, the stone floors throughout the Keep froze and cracked, and even the deep pool glazed over with a thin layer of rotting ice. Winter was always a hard month at Twilight Keep--the causeway itself tended to freeze over for several weeks, preventing anyone from leaving--but somehow this Forest winter was much worse. The sky was perpetually overcast and grey, and as the winter wore on, I found my mood matching the skies. Although I enjoyed my duties and genuinely cared about my students, there were many days when I wished I could hide away in my rooms. I often caught myself staring out a window, lost in thought, as my students practiced simple spellwork. Several times I retreated to my rooms in the middle of the day, overcome by tears and a feeling of loneliness so profound I was unable to express it. I missed my friends desperately and felt Legolas's absence most keenly. I fretted over each message from Aragorn, poring over the letters for comfort and companionship as much as the few scraps of information they contained.
Rain worried over me as none of the others did. He tried to break my dark mood, inviting me to wander the closer woods or twisting corridors of the Keep with him; on more than one occasion, he wheedled me into riding out with him to scout along the borders of our Clan territory. However, even his company became painful to me, the strain of pretending my own misery was but a passing emotion too great to maintain for long periods of time. I sought out isolated rooms in the Keep where I knew Rain seldom ventured and retreated further into myself with each passing day.
~***~
I sat in a corner of the vast conservatory, hidden among the lush greenery of the indoor gardens that supplied the Keep with food for the winter. My usual chair was close to one of the thick windows, positioned perfectly to catch whatever heat the watery sunlight produced. I wrapped myself in my robes, drawing my black veil close around my face to avoid scrutiny. I stared out the window, absently noting the heavy sleet that poured out of the leaden skies and coated the ancient trees with a slick sheath of ice. I fingered the thick book that lay untouched in my lap, flipping through the pages without really realizing what I was doing. A slight noise behind me caught my attention; I started to rise from my chair. A gentle hand on my shoulder pressed me back into my seat.
Rain lowered himself onto the window sill in front of me, blocking out the bleak landscape beyond. His angular face was drawn with worry, his eyes sad and tired.
"Mornië, it grieves me to see you so unhappy here. Is there nothing that would cheer you?" The compassion in his voice stabbed through me; I choked on my own breath as the familiar grief surged within me. He touched my arm as tears began to soak through the fabric of my veil.
"Please, cousin. You cannot continue to grieve so. Your health suffers--we have all noticed that you eat little and sleep even less. You are nervous and shaking, and you do not look well. Can you not tell me what causes such melancholy?"
I twisted the lower hem of my veil, picking at the fine threads of the fabric until they pulled and frayed. He grasped my hands to prevent me from shredding the delicate fabric. I stared at his fingers covering mine, suddenly remembering another pair of hands that had often held my own in much the same way. I raised my eyes to his, feeling tears squeeze beneath the lids.
"I do not know, Rain. Perhaps it is the weather. I am not accustomed to such...dreariness." My voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. He shook his head impatiently.
"I do not believe that such deep unhappiness is merely a result of the weather." His eyes were a weight against my face, exhausting me with their scrutiny. "Cousin. You need not keep your feelings from me. We are not Shadowwalkers here-- we will not fault you for feeling."
Before I could stop myself, I blurted out every thought that had been circling in my head for the last month. "I miss them, Rain. I miss my friends. They were the only family I ever really knew, and now I have no one. I cannot seem to fit in here. I know it sounds childish, but I am so very lonely that some days I wish I could join those that have passed beyond this life."
A sharp intake of breath snapped my eyes up from my lap. His face was a mask of disbelief and horror. "You cannot mean that, cousin. Surely things are not so dire."
I couldn't stop weeping. Rain pulled me against his chest, cradling me as gently as I had seen him hold an injured bird. He peeled the clammy veil away from my face, dropping it onto the floor, and rocked me as my weeping escalated into deep, tearing sobs that ripped up out of my chest.
"Why? Why must I watch all those I love pass while I am still trapped in this life? I am so tired, Rain. All I want is to sleep and never wake."
He wrapped his arms more tightly around me. "Would you grieve yourself to death for those who have passed and leave behind all those who still care about you? What about them, Mornië? What about this Elf that you love-what will happen to him if you waste away?"
I pushed him away from me then, struggling to my feet. "It's been almost four months, Rain. He has neither visited nor written any letter longer than a line or two. I do not even know if remains at Twilight or if he has returned to his own home. I doubt he would be greatly affected by the loss of me." I whirled and hurried from the room to hide in my own chambers, but found them crowded with servants for a weekly cleaning. I stalked along the hallway and slammed out of the outer doors into the wide courtyard. Before I could be stopped or questioned, I slipped out through the gates into Deep Forest.
~***~