Nick counts down with the clock as the ball descends downward. I look in Catherine's direction where she is merrily squeezed between Nick and Warrick. I couldn't ask for a better team of friends. I chance a look at Sara, who is slightly to the side of the huddle all by herself. I expect to see her full of excitement and joy (it is always how I pictured her welcoming the new year). Instead I'm forced to pause. She has her head down not looking at the television we are all standing in front of. No one seems to notice her current mood but me, which makes the moment even more precious.
The lay of her hair across her shoulder and beside her face is suddenly very arousing. The layered spikes cut into her hair give it a unique appearance that look almost childish yet boldly sexual. Her downcast eyes are staring at the rim of her wine glass. She is thinking about something. I know her too well to dismiss her intense gaze to be the product of a blank mind. No she very deeply involved in thought. I wonder if she knows how gorgeous she looks right now.
"Happy New Year!" Catherine screams making Sara jump and my concentration to break. "Grandfather Time get your ass out of the way and bring Baby New Year on in!"
She rushes to kiss Warrick on the cheek, who returns the favor with a strong hug.
"Made it through another year, girl!" Nick shouts to Sara above the loud noise of the television. I want to watch her reaction to the gayness of our friends but I lose track of her when Warrick jumps in front of me.
"Happy New Year, Warrick." I say bringing my attention to the strong man before me. I take his offered hand and shake it vigorously. Shockingly, he pulls me into a brief hug.
"Same to you Gris. It was a good year to leave behind."
When he backs away from the embrace, I stare at him confused and uplifted by such a statement. I offer a small smile and he takes it quickly.
"Happy New Year, Gil." Catherine says replacing his place. She wraps her arms around me without hesitation and kisses me on the cheek. "Make the moment count."
I frown as she steps to the side to reveal Sara standing behind her. Oh she looks so...What do I do? Hug? Shake? Kiss? I swallow passed the newly formed lump in my throat.
"Happy New Year, Sara." I finally manage to say stepping up to her.
She smiles, but it's not the smile I'm accustomed to. The small crowd dissipates quickly and I'm thankful. Sara seems to appreciate the lack of attention as well, because it is then that she leans in to kiss me on the left cheek.
Then she moves to my right cheek and deposits another tender kiss.
"Happy New Year, Grissom."
She starts to step away but as her hand slips down my arm I grab her wrist and lightly pull her back. I lean into her and I'm grateful she doesn't back away. I glance at her eyes, her lips, and then I move passed them to her ear. "Would you have dinner with me?"
I back away slowly unsure of what I may encounter.
Sara knits her brow in confusion, but her chocolate orbs swim without question.
I lick my lips. My mouth feels so dry.
She still remains quiet as she drops her attention to her hands.
I lick my lips again preparing to speak. "We don't really talk as much as we used to and after the rough cases we've had this year I thought you seemed distracted from work and..."
I trail off when her body stiffens considerably.
She looks up at me again. "The answer is no, Grissom. I-I'm sorry but I can't."
Without any explanation she hurriedly walks away.
My hand, now limply at my side, is still warm from touching her bare skin. What just happened?
Suddenly, I look around relieved to see my three coworkers are still preoccupied with laughter at the mini-bar and were unable to bear witness to what just happened. I'm not even sure what just happened.
Why did I do such a stupid senseless thing?
The night offered no signs that she or I was ready, but when I felt her lips on my cheek every sense was sharpened and my mind no longer ruled over me. The second kiss made me aware of how her soft lips felt against my skin. When she stepped away I was sure I would see everything I wanted to see, but I was wrong. She looked saddened as she turned to leave. It was then I wasn't accepting of her acts dictated by tradition. It was then I realized the look in her eyes wasn't welcoming anymore --the kisses felt like she was saying good-bye. The year of inconsistencies and hurting was leaving and she would start a new year because she had finally stopped waiting.
My hand refused to let her wrist go. I was fearful repairing the damage I inflicted was beyond me and nothing I could do would stop her. Yet I had to try. I saw my only opportunity to right some of the wrongs, and I took it. Only now do I realize how stupid it really was.
Should I be surprised by her answer? No. Considering the circumstances, I shouldn't be shocked at all. Yet I am. I am shocked and pained to be...rejected? I guess the term is fitting. Honestly and quite arrogantly I thought Sara would wait. That isn't so at all. My offer was too late.
Time must yet again be against me. I'm reminded of her second year with me when I was willing to take steps towards her and not away. I told her she was responsible for the beauty in my life, and I meant it. But my sudden lapse of hearing was like shutting the door on that part of my life. I needed to rethink things, and rethinking often leads to distancing and hiding. I was apt to keep away from every member of my team, but Sara suffered the most from my secrecy.
The paramedic was my first wake up call that she was young, much younger than myself, and deserved to be with someone who could give her what she wanted. The thought that she would wait on me seemed so foolish then. I accepted it glaringly, but I did understand. The talk I had with myself always ended with Sara's relief that I spared her the pain of being with someone like me.
Alas, love cannot be turned off by a flick of the switch as I learned quite regretfully last year.
I mean that caring for someone isn't easily abandoned, as I learned regretfully last year. Love is a big word with large implications. But I really think it is too late to wonder which word is of better use.
I do know it actually aches to fathom the end of my relationship with Sara. I use relationship as a broad term, and in this case very general and broad indeed. Nothing will be the same again after tonight. Our already damaged friendship may not withstand another year and she may leave Vegas for good. Yes, ache is the perfect word for what I am feeling right now. Surely, I wouldn't be feeling so lost and hopeless if she was just another woman or coworker.
Of course I always knew she was special, but I wasn't tempted to learn why in as great a rush as I should have been. Catherine refers to them as "burns", but frankly they are my inability to get too close to a woman because of past experiences. It has served me well over the years, as lonely as they have been, but that was...until I met Sara. The woman that broke the mold and with it all my rules. Sara Sidle- 5'9 brunette, compassionate, intelligent, radiant, and beautiful in every way imaginable.
I shouldn't be thinking like this anyway. My feelings will subside in time. After all Sara has made her decision and seems intentional in following through. If I am too late, at least I should offer her an apology for asking her to dinner. I will explain my concerns for her well-being from what I've seen at work, and again apologize for being unprofessional. It doesn't offer me comfort, but if I upset her then maybe she'll appreciate the closure. I'll promise to never do such a thing again, and I won't. She's made herself clear and I couldn't stand up to more rejection anyway. Not from Sara. Not from the Sara I place so highly. Perchance, a simple apology will be enough to keep the straining threads of our friendship sewn together. It is worth a try. Sara was always worth the effort. She may always will be.
"Grissom, you okay?"
I look at Nick but don't see him. "Excuse me, Nick."
"Sure thing..."
He and his voice trail off as I walk in the direction Sara fled. I hope against all odds that she got in her car and went home. I guess I should have asked Nick. The kitchen is the first place I look, but she isn't there. I check the coat rack and her jacket is still there, so I continue throughout the major parts of the house.
I pass the dinning area once, but on the trip back I finally see her isolated figure beyond the glass sliding doors that lead to the deck. I go to the glass to be sure.
She stands facing away from me and seeing her I begin to step away thinking she needs her time alone, but I cannot. The darkness seems so heavily around her. I realize how crucial my presence may be.
I slip out but she doesn't turn around. "Sara?"
_tbc_