Disclaimer - No, mommy, no - I don't want to own LotR! It's ridden with Sues!
A/N - the "troll" Gurzak who appears in this chapter was volunteered by Hirotani. :o) The Sue who disappears in a puff of logic was donated kindly by Oracle from the PPC board.
Also - Dedicated to Luhtarian and Hirotani, who made me work on this again.
Wandering in the dark, terrified of being lost or, worse, being attacked by orcs, Alakardiel soon lost track of time. Minutes ran into hours, and hours into days. It was not until they reached the guard room, and Pippin dropped a stone down the well that she even knew what to expect again. Orcs, a battle, a Balrog, and a lost member of the Fellowship.
The Orcs she could handle. Despite it not being mentioned, she found that she had some skill with a blade, and could defend herself if necessary. Which she knew it would be. Judging from the way that everything effective in saving lives seemed to be done with swords, she deemed that she would have to fight if she wanted to survive. Not that she necessarily did. Dying meant that she would possibly be free from Arda at last - which would meant that she would be able to go home.
"It's not that I don't like it here in Arda," she thought, "it's just that I really miss being able to take a shower. And use actual shampoo. I wonder if elves have shampoo?"
She shook her head and sighed. Being lost in the dark was driving her batty. Never mind that it wasn't totally dark - she could still see - it was the thought of the darkness and what lurked in it that frightened her.
Regaining her resolve, she unsheathed her sword, and managed to use it to decapitate an Orc that came too close to running its blade through her.
"Eek!" she shrieked, as its head fell at her feet. "That thing just got blood all over my boots!"
An Orc nearby looked at her strangely. "Hey! That's not a 'thing'. It's one of my friends. Her name was Tiffaney!"
Alakardiel backed away slowly. "What did you say?" She asked slowly.
The goblin warrior sniffed. "I said, that was my friend Tiffaney you just killed."
"Oh . . . um, okay. Since when are Orcs named Tiffaney?" Alakardiel inquired blandly.
"Since now. It's a long story. To make it short, I wrote a really crappy story and posted it on some website as being a serious attempt at writing." The Orc answered.
"Oh. You wrote a troll?"
The goblin nodded. "Yes. It was only for laughs, mind you. I would never write a story that bad on purpose. After all - there are already too many serious stories where Legolas ends up falling for some beatiful girl with mysterious powers and a tragic past . . . too many Mary Sues." A thoughtful look, akin to a grimace, passed over its face. "I didn't think that they would take it so badly."
"Who?"
"The author of the orignal story. He turned me into a orc to help me learn the error of my ways. Although I don't know how it helps. Wish I could have been an elf."
"I am." Alakardiel informed her smugly.
"You didn't let me finish. I wish I could have been an elf - but I would never want to seriously write Mary Sues. Anyone that does is full of cra-"
The goblin's head fell before she could finish her sentence.
"Pity," thought Alakardiel grimly, wiping her blade. "Something tells me that she had a lot to teach me."
She did not have long to dwell on that thought, however, for just then she noticed an Orc - a real Orc - that was about to attack one of the hobbits from behind. Or at least an Orc that she thought looked real. She raised her sword, only to watch in surprise as the Orc dropped their weapon.
"You're a Sue, right?" it asked in a gruff voice.
"Ye-es . . ." said Alakardiel, supicious. "Why should you care?"
The Orc grinned. "My name's Gurzak, or at least that's what they call me here," it said. "I gave your Sue some constructive criticism, I think. You look familiar. Your Sue's name wouldn't happen to have been Telepardwen, would it?"
Alakardiel took a step back. "Yes, I wrote the story about Telepardwen. Wait - you're that author? You flamed me!"
The Orc shook its head. "No - I left criticism, not a flame. Flames are personal insults directed at the author, like the ones I got when I wrote that troll about Lothlinwen." The orc sighed. "It was a great troll, too . . . received loads of flames for it. Too bad the original author didn't take kindly to it. Eh. Being an Orc isn't too bad."
Alakadiel took another step back. This writer, whoever they were, was beginning to scare her. "How did you know it was me," she asked, changing the subject.
The Orc (she still couldn't think of it as being a fellow fan fiction author) shrugged. "Simple - to those not from Middle Earth, the Suvians look like the Sues they created. Right now, your eyes are turning violet, and your hair is an interesting color of mauve - you look really weird."
Alakardiel sniffed haughtily. "Color changing eyes and flashing hair aren't that weird. Trolls, however, are."
She raised her blade, ready to fend off the attack she was sure would come from the Orc.
Gurzak smiled bemusedly. "No, they're not."
She lowered her blade. "What do you mean?"
"They're cliche. Almost every Sue I've seen has had special hair or eyes," said the Orc kindly.
It was all Alakardiel could do not to gape as the Orc strode away to return to the battle at hand, its guise flickering to reveal a fan fiction author.
She shook her head, and continued fighting, looking up only once to see if Gurzak had been killed yet.
It was upon looking up that she saw an Orc - a real Orc this time - looming over her, holding a sword. Without warning, everything went black.
When she came to, Gandalf was gone, she was outside on the back of a running Aragorn, and there was a rather nasty lump on her head.
"Put me down!" She yelled, remembering a fic she had read where Aragorn had done something like this with an original character, only to torture her horribly. "Get your hands off me!"
"As you wish, lady," said Aragorn, sounding slightly startled at her reaction. He stopped and set her gently upon the ground. "I meant no harm in carrying you - you were wounded, and could not run."
Alakardiel sniffed haughtily for the second time that day. "Or so you would like me to think."
Aragorn gave her a blank look. "As you would have it, lady."
The Company resumed running.
They reached the borders of Lothlorien by nightfall.
It did not take long for Alakardiel to realize that this was not the Lothlorien she had seen in the movies. This wood was, in a sense, more ethreal, more real than she ever expected it to be. Listening to Legolas sing the song of Nimrodel she thought that perhaps she had never heard anything so beautiful. By the time the song ended, she had made a vow to find out exactly what befell Nimrodel and Amroth, and write an end to the song.
The Company continued on, eventually turning away from the path and entering the deeper woods, soon coming on a cluster of great trees, their grey trunks wide and their height impossible to guess.
"I will climb up," said Legolas. "I am at home among trees, by root or bough, though these are of a kind strange to me, save as a name in song. Mellyrn they are called, and are those that bear the yellow blossom, but I have never climbed in one. I will see now what is their shape and way of growth."
"You mean to say we're going to spend the night in a tree?" Alakardiel inquired, looking up at the aforementioned mallorn, and wrinkling her nose. "Who is to say that we will not fall during the night?"
Looking up, as if studying the tree, Legolas answered, "The boughs are wide. Those with good balance should fear no fall."
Alakardiel sighed. "And what of those who are not sure of their balance and would wish to keep both feet planted firmly on the ground?"
"Then dig a hole in the ground," said Legolas, "if that is more after the fashion of your kind. But you must dig swift and deep, if you wish to hide from Orcs." He sprang lightly from the ground and caught a branch that grew from the trunk high above his head. But even as he swung there for a moment, a voice spoke suddenly from the tree shadows above him.
"Daro!" it said in commanding tone, and Legolas dropped back down to earth in surprise and fear. He shrank against the bole of the tree.
Alakardiel smirked. "It's okay, I'll handle it," she informed the Company. Throwing back her head, she began to jabber away in Elvish with whoever it was above her, only to stop seconds later, looking as if she had been slapped. Taking a step back, she said no more.
"What do they say?" Aragorn asked, wondering what words could have been exchanged that would have caused Alakardiel to withdraw from conversing.
Alakardiel did not answer. Instead, it was Legolas, who had been listening to their conversation with mounting amusement who translated for the rest of the company.
"They are part of my kin from the north. They heard my song of Nimrodel, and have been aware of us for quite some time. They tell Alakardiel she breathed so loud they could have shot her in the dark."
Alakardiel, whose face had turned a magnificent shade of red, burst out, "No they did not, Legolas Thranduillion! They were referring to the dwarf!"
Gimli, who had of late begun to lose some of his distrust in the Elves, merely snorted.
"No," said Legolas, a smile playing across his face. "They were referring to you, I believe."
Sulking, Alakardiel retreated to her own corner. It was not until the next day, after having spent the night in a tree, been blindfolded, and been coerced into crossing a bridge made of two pieces of rope that she spoke to any dwarf, elf, hobbit, or man, and even then it was only because she was brought before the lord and lady of the wood, Celeborn and Galadriel.
As Celeborn greeted each member of the company in turn, Alakardiel found herself growing nervous. Here was her one chance to prove to Legolas that she really was elven royalty and worthy of his love, and she was not sure that she could do it. After what she had been shown of Lothlorien, she was no longer sure that would be able to get away with calling herself Galadriel's daughter.
"Alakardiel of the Havens," Celeborn greeted her. "Welcome."
It was then that her Sue-ishness took over. "Is that any way to greet your daughter," she lamented, "your daughter who has been wandering in the Wild for many years, only to settle in the Havens, waiting for the day when you and mother would arrive, waiting to cross the sea, and me with you?"
Celeborn gave her a blank look. "What tongue is it you speak in, lady? It is not one that we here have heard before."
Sense restored to her, Alakardiel sighed. "It is nothing - I merely asked how you knew my name."
Celeborn smiled weakly, and began to answer. She did not hear him. At that moment, a voice, one that she had not heard before, entered her mind.
"It's no use doing that, you know - there's no way that he's going to fall for you anyway. He's mine!"
"Who - who are you?" Alakardiel asked silently, her eyes straying over the crowd of those gathered. Her gaze fell on one elf that was unlike the others. With long black hair that fell gracefully over her face, soulful green eyes, pale skin, and an oddly glowing necklace (magical), she could be only one thing.
"You're a Sue," breathed Alakardiel.
"And Legolas' one true love," snapped the Mary Sue's voice, "the lady Larimariel. Legolas and I were star-crossed lovers."
"There's no way! If Legolas hasn't fallen for me and I'm in the quest, what are the chances he'll fall for you?" Alakardiel asked silently. "After all, I've learned - he's a sensible elf."
"He is not!" protested the Sue. "He's my childhood sweetheart - if he's anything, it's not sensible."
"He is too," retorted Alakardiel. "I should know - he's been resisting my advances ever since we left Rivendell! Besides, how can he have been your childhood sweetheart when you've clearly lived your entire life in Lothlorien? Mirkwood and Lothlorien have had no contact! He thinks you're a legend!"
"I - I," the Sue said feebly, before vanishing in a puff of logic.
"That's more like it," thought Alakardiel. "Now I pray that the same thing doesn't happen to me!"
Next chapter - Sues/Stus volunteered from the PPC board confront Alakardiel about her tenth-member place.
Pages used out of FotR: 383, 384.
Reviewer replies (Because I'm feeling kind?):
H.R. Fayyaz - Months later, Chapter four is up. Chapter five should be up sooner. :-)
Huinesoron - Name has not changed except for on my live journal, where I'm Force of Hobbit, because WfR wouldn't fit. :o)
Nightbird*Songbird - I don't believe that Elves are ever described as being smug, but this is a humor fic, so . . . *Snerk*
AlmightyIshboo - I think in this instance it's okay to pity Legolas.
necroangel - I'm up, I'm up - and I've updated.
Umbrae - Oh, this will definitely be continued . . . *Evil grin*
Fireblade K'Chona - Thank you for reviewing.
Laitoste of Rivendell - Thanks!
Annoying Took - There probably will be more love notes in the coming chapters. :o)
Hirotani - *Bows, dwarf fashion* Thank you very much indeed . . . did you enjoy seeing your orc in here?
Ekwy - Thanks; it's great to know that there are people from the PPC board that like this. :-)
UnDeadGoat - Basically, yes, but in English. :-)
sugaricing - Thanks for taking the time to review.
serinatia - Of course I'll be writing more.
Silverhill - It was a three day wait. Was it worth it?
Next update . . . whenever.
A/N - the "troll" Gurzak who appears in this chapter was volunteered by Hirotani. :o) The Sue who disappears in a puff of logic was donated kindly by Oracle from the PPC board.
Also - Dedicated to Luhtarian and Hirotani, who made me work on this again.
Wandering in the dark, terrified of being lost or, worse, being attacked by orcs, Alakardiel soon lost track of time. Minutes ran into hours, and hours into days. It was not until they reached the guard room, and Pippin dropped a stone down the well that she even knew what to expect again. Orcs, a battle, a Balrog, and a lost member of the Fellowship.
The Orcs she could handle. Despite it not being mentioned, she found that she had some skill with a blade, and could defend herself if necessary. Which she knew it would be. Judging from the way that everything effective in saving lives seemed to be done with swords, she deemed that she would have to fight if she wanted to survive. Not that she necessarily did. Dying meant that she would possibly be free from Arda at last - which would meant that she would be able to go home.
"It's not that I don't like it here in Arda," she thought, "it's just that I really miss being able to take a shower. And use actual shampoo. I wonder if elves have shampoo?"
She shook her head and sighed. Being lost in the dark was driving her batty. Never mind that it wasn't totally dark - she could still see - it was the thought of the darkness and what lurked in it that frightened her.
Regaining her resolve, she unsheathed her sword, and managed to use it to decapitate an Orc that came too close to running its blade through her.
"Eek!" she shrieked, as its head fell at her feet. "That thing just got blood all over my boots!"
An Orc nearby looked at her strangely. "Hey! That's not a 'thing'. It's one of my friends. Her name was Tiffaney!"
Alakardiel backed away slowly. "What did you say?" She asked slowly.
The goblin warrior sniffed. "I said, that was my friend Tiffaney you just killed."
"Oh . . . um, okay. Since when are Orcs named Tiffaney?" Alakardiel inquired blandly.
"Since now. It's a long story. To make it short, I wrote a really crappy story and posted it on some website as being a serious attempt at writing." The Orc answered.
"Oh. You wrote a troll?"
The goblin nodded. "Yes. It was only for laughs, mind you. I would never write a story that bad on purpose. After all - there are already too many serious stories where Legolas ends up falling for some beatiful girl with mysterious powers and a tragic past . . . too many Mary Sues." A thoughtful look, akin to a grimace, passed over its face. "I didn't think that they would take it so badly."
"Who?"
"The author of the orignal story. He turned me into a orc to help me learn the error of my ways. Although I don't know how it helps. Wish I could have been an elf."
"I am." Alakardiel informed her smugly.
"You didn't let me finish. I wish I could have been an elf - but I would never want to seriously write Mary Sues. Anyone that does is full of cra-"
The goblin's head fell before she could finish her sentence.
"Pity," thought Alakardiel grimly, wiping her blade. "Something tells me that she had a lot to teach me."
She did not have long to dwell on that thought, however, for just then she noticed an Orc - a real Orc - that was about to attack one of the hobbits from behind. Or at least an Orc that she thought looked real. She raised her sword, only to watch in surprise as the Orc dropped their weapon.
"You're a Sue, right?" it asked in a gruff voice.
"Ye-es . . ." said Alakardiel, supicious. "Why should you care?"
The Orc grinned. "My name's Gurzak, or at least that's what they call me here," it said. "I gave your Sue some constructive criticism, I think. You look familiar. Your Sue's name wouldn't happen to have been Telepardwen, would it?"
Alakardiel took a step back. "Yes, I wrote the story about Telepardwen. Wait - you're that author? You flamed me!"
The Orc shook its head. "No - I left criticism, not a flame. Flames are personal insults directed at the author, like the ones I got when I wrote that troll about Lothlinwen." The orc sighed. "It was a great troll, too . . . received loads of flames for it. Too bad the original author didn't take kindly to it. Eh. Being an Orc isn't too bad."
Alakadiel took another step back. This writer, whoever they were, was beginning to scare her. "How did you know it was me," she asked, changing the subject.
The Orc (she still couldn't think of it as being a fellow fan fiction author) shrugged. "Simple - to those not from Middle Earth, the Suvians look like the Sues they created. Right now, your eyes are turning violet, and your hair is an interesting color of mauve - you look really weird."
Alakardiel sniffed haughtily. "Color changing eyes and flashing hair aren't that weird. Trolls, however, are."
She raised her blade, ready to fend off the attack she was sure would come from the Orc.
Gurzak smiled bemusedly. "No, they're not."
She lowered her blade. "What do you mean?"
"They're cliche. Almost every Sue I've seen has had special hair or eyes," said the Orc kindly.
It was all Alakardiel could do not to gape as the Orc strode away to return to the battle at hand, its guise flickering to reveal a fan fiction author.
She shook her head, and continued fighting, looking up only once to see if Gurzak had been killed yet.
It was upon looking up that she saw an Orc - a real Orc this time - looming over her, holding a sword. Without warning, everything went black.
When she came to, Gandalf was gone, she was outside on the back of a running Aragorn, and there was a rather nasty lump on her head.
"Put me down!" She yelled, remembering a fic she had read where Aragorn had done something like this with an original character, only to torture her horribly. "Get your hands off me!"
"As you wish, lady," said Aragorn, sounding slightly startled at her reaction. He stopped and set her gently upon the ground. "I meant no harm in carrying you - you were wounded, and could not run."
Alakardiel sniffed haughtily for the second time that day. "Or so you would like me to think."
Aragorn gave her a blank look. "As you would have it, lady."
The Company resumed running.
They reached the borders of Lothlorien by nightfall.
It did not take long for Alakardiel to realize that this was not the Lothlorien she had seen in the movies. This wood was, in a sense, more ethreal, more real than she ever expected it to be. Listening to Legolas sing the song of Nimrodel she thought that perhaps she had never heard anything so beautiful. By the time the song ended, she had made a vow to find out exactly what befell Nimrodel and Amroth, and write an end to the song.
The Company continued on, eventually turning away from the path and entering the deeper woods, soon coming on a cluster of great trees, their grey trunks wide and their height impossible to guess.
"I will climb up," said Legolas. "I am at home among trees, by root or bough, though these are of a kind strange to me, save as a name in song. Mellyrn they are called, and are those that bear the yellow blossom, but I have never climbed in one. I will see now what is their shape and way of growth."
"You mean to say we're going to spend the night in a tree?" Alakardiel inquired, looking up at the aforementioned mallorn, and wrinkling her nose. "Who is to say that we will not fall during the night?"
Looking up, as if studying the tree, Legolas answered, "The boughs are wide. Those with good balance should fear no fall."
Alakardiel sighed. "And what of those who are not sure of their balance and would wish to keep both feet planted firmly on the ground?"
"Then dig a hole in the ground," said Legolas, "if that is more after the fashion of your kind. But you must dig swift and deep, if you wish to hide from Orcs." He sprang lightly from the ground and caught a branch that grew from the trunk high above his head. But even as he swung there for a moment, a voice spoke suddenly from the tree shadows above him.
"Daro!" it said in commanding tone, and Legolas dropped back down to earth in surprise and fear. He shrank against the bole of the tree.
Alakardiel smirked. "It's okay, I'll handle it," she informed the Company. Throwing back her head, she began to jabber away in Elvish with whoever it was above her, only to stop seconds later, looking as if she had been slapped. Taking a step back, she said no more.
"What do they say?" Aragorn asked, wondering what words could have been exchanged that would have caused Alakardiel to withdraw from conversing.
Alakardiel did not answer. Instead, it was Legolas, who had been listening to their conversation with mounting amusement who translated for the rest of the company.
"They are part of my kin from the north. They heard my song of Nimrodel, and have been aware of us for quite some time. They tell Alakardiel she breathed so loud they could have shot her in the dark."
Alakardiel, whose face had turned a magnificent shade of red, burst out, "No they did not, Legolas Thranduillion! They were referring to the dwarf!"
Gimli, who had of late begun to lose some of his distrust in the Elves, merely snorted.
"No," said Legolas, a smile playing across his face. "They were referring to you, I believe."
Sulking, Alakardiel retreated to her own corner. It was not until the next day, after having spent the night in a tree, been blindfolded, and been coerced into crossing a bridge made of two pieces of rope that she spoke to any dwarf, elf, hobbit, or man, and even then it was only because she was brought before the lord and lady of the wood, Celeborn and Galadriel.
As Celeborn greeted each member of the company in turn, Alakardiel found herself growing nervous. Here was her one chance to prove to Legolas that she really was elven royalty and worthy of his love, and she was not sure that she could do it. After what she had been shown of Lothlorien, she was no longer sure that would be able to get away with calling herself Galadriel's daughter.
"Alakardiel of the Havens," Celeborn greeted her. "Welcome."
It was then that her Sue-ishness took over. "Is that any way to greet your daughter," she lamented, "your daughter who has been wandering in the Wild for many years, only to settle in the Havens, waiting for the day when you and mother would arrive, waiting to cross the sea, and me with you?"
Celeborn gave her a blank look. "What tongue is it you speak in, lady? It is not one that we here have heard before."
Sense restored to her, Alakardiel sighed. "It is nothing - I merely asked how you knew my name."
Celeborn smiled weakly, and began to answer. She did not hear him. At that moment, a voice, one that she had not heard before, entered her mind.
"It's no use doing that, you know - there's no way that he's going to fall for you anyway. He's mine!"
"Who - who are you?" Alakardiel asked silently, her eyes straying over the crowd of those gathered. Her gaze fell on one elf that was unlike the others. With long black hair that fell gracefully over her face, soulful green eyes, pale skin, and an oddly glowing necklace (magical), she could be only one thing.
"You're a Sue," breathed Alakardiel.
"And Legolas' one true love," snapped the Mary Sue's voice, "the lady Larimariel. Legolas and I were star-crossed lovers."
"There's no way! If Legolas hasn't fallen for me and I'm in the quest, what are the chances he'll fall for you?" Alakardiel asked silently. "After all, I've learned - he's a sensible elf."
"He is not!" protested the Sue. "He's my childhood sweetheart - if he's anything, it's not sensible."
"He is too," retorted Alakardiel. "I should know - he's been resisting my advances ever since we left Rivendell! Besides, how can he have been your childhood sweetheart when you've clearly lived your entire life in Lothlorien? Mirkwood and Lothlorien have had no contact! He thinks you're a legend!"
"I - I," the Sue said feebly, before vanishing in a puff of logic.
"That's more like it," thought Alakardiel. "Now I pray that the same thing doesn't happen to me!"
Next chapter - Sues/Stus volunteered from the PPC board confront Alakardiel about her tenth-member place.
Pages used out of FotR: 383, 384.
Reviewer replies (Because I'm feeling kind?):
H.R. Fayyaz - Months later, Chapter four is up. Chapter five should be up sooner. :-)
Huinesoron - Name has not changed except for on my live journal, where I'm Force of Hobbit, because WfR wouldn't fit. :o)
Nightbird*Songbird - I don't believe that Elves are ever described as being smug, but this is a humor fic, so . . . *Snerk*
AlmightyIshboo - I think in this instance it's okay to pity Legolas.
necroangel - I'm up, I'm up - and I've updated.
Umbrae - Oh, this will definitely be continued . . . *Evil grin*
Fireblade K'Chona - Thank you for reviewing.
Laitoste of Rivendell - Thanks!
Annoying Took - There probably will be more love notes in the coming chapters. :o)
Hirotani - *Bows, dwarf fashion* Thank you very much indeed . . . did you enjoy seeing your orc in here?
Ekwy - Thanks; it's great to know that there are people from the PPC board that like this. :-)
UnDeadGoat - Basically, yes, but in English. :-)
sugaricing - Thanks for taking the time to review.
serinatia - Of course I'll be writing more.
Silverhill - It was a three day wait. Was it worth it?
Next update . . . whenever.