The cold air stings my eyes instantly. The stars above burn brightly while the moon cannot decide which cloud it wants to hide behind, which is a lot like what I'm doing: trying to find a place to hide.
I just had to get away from them. No I had to get away from him. My first mistake was sitting next to him. It was so stupid of me. I always do something dimwitted to make matters as worse as possible. Of course he doesn't make anything easier. He sat there looking into me like no one else can and asked me my deepest memory of the holidays. The second mistake was the New Year kiss on the cheeks. Who in the name of creation came up with that lame-ass excuse to kiss everyone?! I should have shook his hand. That would show him just how far the wound lies. Maybe he wouldn't have sprung this crazy idea on me. Does he even realize how much he has hurt me? Does he think dinner can fixed all the wrongs?! I'm so angry. I'm angry with myself, my colleagues for insisting I be here, the bitter cold now stinging my lungs as I try to suck in as much air to calm myself, and I'm pissed off with Grissom.
Doesn't he deserve some of the blame, possibly the largest portion, of my strife? Dinner?! Damn him for doing this to me! I'll show him what happens...jerk! Four years! Four years that I cannot get back, or change no matter how long I stand here. I knew coming to this party would be a big mistake. This night shouldn't have happened. Why did this happen? Why can't he...
"Sara?"
I instantly go rigid. "Grissom go back inside."
"We need to talk." He refuses to stand next to me as he speaks and I will not turn to look at him.
"Since when do you want to talk?"
He exhales sharply. "Sara would you just look at me?"
I say nothing still staring off into the night.
"Sara, I'm sorry if I was out of line by asking you to dinner. I came out here to apologize."
"Apology not accepted."
There is a long pause. The quarter moon above us shines brightly for a moment. I want to cry more now more than ever. I want to let out all my frustration. I want to collapse on the ground and cry with fury and pain, but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
"Sara, please look at me? I need to see your face."
I round on him completely, threatening tears. "Is this any better?!"
"Yes, I mean no. I mean..." He frowns rethinking himself. "Is this about work?"
His voice holds great doubt that this is why I am so upset. It was like when he saw my face, he realized what he came out here to say, whatever it was, really had no place anymore and he was grasping for straws. But letting my anger flare, I decide to help him.
"Grissom, this isn't about work anymore! This is about how every time I get close to you, you back away. Every time I stay away, you draw me back. And every time I vow that I won't allow you to do this, you find a way to give me false hopes. I wanted to see where dinner would take us and you said no. I finally stepped back. That's what you wanted remember? But now I think you haven't got a clue what you really want."
He looks like I slapped him. "I think I should go back inside."
"No! You wanted to talk, so let's talk. Let me start. Did you know I sometimes wish, I wish Grissom, that I never accepted your phone call to bring me here? On the days you won't even look at me, I wish I never agreed to stay. I want it so badly it hurts. Did you know that?
"Then I realize how much worse I'd feel if I ever lost you."
The first tear escapes me.
"You are my closest and dearest friend, and you won't even give me a second glance. I see you almost every day of the week, but you ignore me! You pretend not to see me! You have no idea what it is like to feel this way! You treat me like I don't exist, then ask me to dinner? Why?! To discuss my work performance?! Dammit, Grissom I didn't want to have dinner with my colleague! I wanted to have dinner with you!"
I angrily brush away the tears pouring down my hot cheeks.
"Now do you see why I cannot go to dinner with you? It's because I cannot take the games anymore! I cannot handle being nothing but your CSI anymore! I just can't hurt anymore!"
"I asked you to dinner because I didn't want another year like this one." He says quickly, now brimming with frustration of his own.
I coil back.
"I am sorry! I am!" He lashes out again letting all his fear and confusion rush out of him. "But I do know how it feels and that is something you don't understand!"
"How can I understand if you don't tell me?!" I cry out straightening my shoulders. "How can I even get close to you if you won't look at me?!"
"Goddammit Sara, I do see you and I do love you!" His eyes close immediately, as if every ounce of energy is gone from his body.
The statement dies easily in the neighborhood surrounded by darkness, but it echoes in my fluttering heart beat for I am remind with every thud.
What?
Love me?
No.
"N-n-no you don't." I stutter feeling like a complete fool.
"Yes I do." His eyes open and his voice wavers slightly, but he holds my eyes with bright ones where I see only calm confidence in his words.
"Then why?" I exclaim quieter now. "Why would put me through so much?"
"Believe it or not that is exactly why I put you through so much, because I was and still am afraid to be in love with you."
He drops his head again.
"Sara...I..."
I go to him like I've always wanted to do. "Why are you so afraid? Don't you trust me enough to at least see where it could take us?"
He raises his head and his hand immediately goes to my face. They are so warm wiping away the wet trails on my cheek, as warm as his blue eyes.
"And if it's not the way you imagined?" He asks softly.
"It would still be much better than losing you completely without knowing what could have been." I take his hand from my face and squeeze it.
"Sara this could be such a big mistake." His tone is one of familiarity and one of reason, but also one of trepidation.
I cannot stop myself. My lips lightly touch his instantly without any doubt that this is where they should have been all along. Our eyes fall closed with ecstasy while I open my mouth encouraging him. His arms wrap tightly around me pulling us even closer to fuel the probing kiss into something more sensual. The salty tears on my lips mix with our tongues to further excite my taste buds. I moan unaware of it at first, but when his hands squeeze my hips I moan again to convey my pure longing to be with him.
He begins to back away, perhaps because he is embarrassed, but I hold onto him unwilling to allow our first kiss to end. He doesn't object. He dives back into my mouth with even more vigor and yearning. I grip his shirt in my hands to pull his body as close to me as possible. The cold air surrounding us no longer has a place to take residence. He is so utterly warm and inviting. I love you, I love you, I love you, I say unable to see how such a phrase could ever grow tired and meaningless.
I press against him exploringly. His tongue lashes out one final time before slowly backing away again. Reluctantly we break the kiss and stand fully charged and hypersensitive.
"Do you still think it is a mistake?" I say gulping in cold amounts of air.
He smiles sheepishly. "No."
Our breathing forms white clouds between us, and I want to fight it off with another kiss.
He reads my eyes well, and takes me into his comforting arms hugging my body. His rapid heart pounds excitedly against me. Oh I love this man so much, I say to myself as my eyes go shut again.
"I'm sorry for ever hurting you." He whispers next to my ear. He places a gentle kiss on my neck. "Give me time and I'll show you how much I love you."
I've waited so long to be with him and now I am in his arms feeling completely safe. I start to cry with relief and exhaustion.
"Yes." I mutter holding onto him like a final lifeline.
"So is this a 'yes' to dinner?"
I can feel him smiling.
"Yes." I finally open my eyes and a giant smile leaps onto my face. "Um...Grissom?"
He pulls away slightly worried. "Yeah?"
I point behind him. "We have an audience."
He turns around in time to see three faces pressed to the glass of the door. I give a little wave. They all scatter except Nick, who waves frantically back before being pulled away.
Grissom turns back to me. "So what's next?"
"Do you think they would be upset if we just left?" I ask enjoying the scruffiness of his beard as I touch his face.
"Where would we go at..." He glances at his watch. "Twelve twenty-three in the morning on New Year's Day?"
I cannot stop myself from smiling and growing flush. "My place or yours?"
_the end_