Disclaimer (for the final time): Look, I'm not J.R.R. Tolkien, all right? If I was, I would be a guy and dead. Obviously, I'm not. If you try to sue me for copyright violation, all you'll get is a busted computer with Windows 95 loaded on it.
A/N– The Sues and Stus featured in this chapter are compliments of the following PPCers: Hellga, Jon, Jo, Nathonea, Katherine and Co., and Vemi. Jo and Nathonea's Sues are parody Sues and can be found at the URLs listed on my bio. :o)
Without further ado, here is the chapter!
After the run-in with Larimariel, Alakardiel was wary of who she spoke with, making sure that they were a nondescript character, and not a Mary Sue before confronting them. However, like attracts like, and it was not long before she found herself surrounded by a crowd of Mary Sues and Gary Stus.
It happened two days after arriving in Lorien. Alakardiel had been walking, thinking of ways to escape from Middle Earth before the death of Boromir and the breaking of the Fellowship (she disliked running, and knew from different fics that she'd read that Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli spent quite a bit of time doing just that after Boromir's death) when they had found her. One of the Warrior Elf Stus had bound and gagged her before carrying her to a flet where the rest of authors-turned-sue were waiting for her to put in an appearance. Upon arrival, she was greeted by a number of seemingly woeful Sues and Stus, each speaking in turn, each, it seemed, trying to get her to listen to their tale, that they might draw her into their stories and warp canon even further.
"Alas, and welcome, fair maid that shares our plight," lamented one Stu. "I am Matias Ar'yul, the long lost elven brother of Faramir. I am better at archery than Legolas Greenleaf, and the true love of Arwen Undomiel. Alas that I did not return to Rivendell in time to make her my wife!"
Alakardiel stared at him, puzzled, then decided this was not a good idea. Taller than most elves, with black and silver eyes and wavy brown hair, he looked almost as out of place as Larimariel. "How is that possible," she asked finally.
"How is what possible," Matias Ar'yul asked, sounding irked. "Did you not listen to me?"
She nodded. "Yes, I did - but you don't really seem to fit into the story anywhere. Faramir was human - how can you be an elf if he isn't?"
"Do not question my logic!" Matias Ar'yul sputtered. "It is simple - Denethor took an elven lover after his wife died. I am the one born of that union."
"That doesn't make sense either," Alakardiel commented thoughtfully. "After all, that would make you in your thirties at most, wouldn't it? The lowest age I've ever heard an elf maturing at is fifty. Besides, Aragorn and Arwen have been loyal to each other for sixty years or so, meaning that you weren't even born when they met and pledged their love for one another."
"I - I," the Stu said, indignant, before collapsing into a pile of ash.
"That's interesting," remarked Alakardiel dryly. "The last one vanished in a puff of logic."
"It is no matter," said a Sue, stepping forward. "He was rash, as I shall not be. Join us, Alakardiel - the last perfect beings of Tolkien's world."
Alakardiel stepped back, giving the Sue a look of distaste. "Who are you, anyway?"
The Sue gave her a woeful look, flipping back her sun drenched golden hair and widening her dazzling emerald eyes. "I am Katherinewen, elfin maiden and lover of Thranduil of Mirkwood," she answered mournfully, a single tear sliding down her cheek. "Alas that I was banished here by my love's parents early in the Second Age of Middle Earth, doomed to wander until my love could come to claim me again."
Alakardiel snorted, and tried hard not to laugh. "I'm sorry to have to break it to you, but remember Legolas of Mirkwood?"
At the name, the Sue's eyes went dark, and her (ample) bosom heaved as she sighed. "Yes, I remember. Legolas, the evil doer who cast me out of my home and into this wretched wood. Legolas, usurper of the throne of Mirkwood!" she exclaimed, flipping her hair for dramatic effect.
"Um, no. Thranduil is Legolas' father, which means that either you're mistaken as to who you loved, or Thranduil was unfaithful," said Alakardiel, watching the Sue's face for any change of expression. "Besides, what do you mean, last perfect beings of Tolkien's world? What about the Valar - they may not be in Middle Earth, but they're in Tolkien's world all the same!"
A loud crack resounded from Katherinewen's chest. "Oh," she exclaimed, and fell over, laying quite still.
Alakardiel blinked. "What happened to her?"
Another Sue stepped forward, her hair knee-length golden brown this time; her eyes constantly shifting from green to grey to blue. "Her heart broke," she remarked coolly, "as mine will not."
Alakardiel resisted the urge to stick out her tongue. "What makes you say that?"
The Sue smiled wryly. "It will not break, for I am betrothed to my beloved, Orophin. I am the fifth most beautiful woman in Middle Earth, my beauty surpassed only by Luthien, Arwen, Galadriel, and Celebrian. I am Celeborn's niece, the child of his brother, Galathil. I am Melindë," she proclaimed grandly.
Alakardiel frowned. This Sue was almost canon. She had never read The Silmarillion, so she could not say if Galathil was real - or if he even had a daughter. Her name sounded almost like real elvish. Almost . . . it hit her what she could get the Sue on. "Your name," she remarked, as if idly. "It's not real elvish, is it?"
The Sue twitched. "Yes it is - I am an elf, why would I not have an elvish name?"
"Your name is no more elvish than mine is - you're nothing more than a Sue trying to pass as being real."
The Sue squeaked in protest as her corporeal form began to dissolve. "You can't do this to me! I'm canon I tell you, canon!"
Alakardiel smiled to herself. "Who else dares to confront me?"
"I do," remarked one raven-haired Sue. "How is it that no one has thought to kill you when you are a tenth-member Sue?"
Alakardiel shrugged. "Probably because I have a reasonable background and through trial and error I've learnt not to try and make Legolas fall for me."
The Sue paused, at a loss for words. "Very well, then."
"What's your name," inquired Alakardiel. "Or better yet, how am I to dispose of you?"
The Sue rolled her clear blue-grey eyes. "I am Lindelaurinel Victoria Perewen, daughter of an unnamed yet canonical elf. I would like to thank you, for by getting rid of my contemporary, you have made it possible for me to claim my rightful place as Celeborn's niece."
"Niece?" Alakardiel asked, stifling a laugh. "Then I wish you luck, for no such thing exists that I know of."
The Sue let out a cry of incoherent rage as she began to dwindle away into nothing. "I'll get you for this if it's the last thing I do . . ."
Her cry was cut off abruptly as Alakardiel stepped on her.
A tiny waisted, big chested Sue stepped forward, flipping her lustrous golden locks, her gold rimmed green eyes flashing. "I am Arsarmwen, the true love of -"
"Oh, save it, sister," snapped Alakardiel, growing tired of facing off against the Sues. "With a chest like that and a waist like that, you should snap in half, not stand up here confronting me."
The Sue gasped - and promptly did just that.
One of the last Mary Sues standing stepped forward. "I am Andyáviëien, more commonly known as Andy. With my horse, Starflake, I will slay you, and win the love of Legolas Greenleaf!"
Alakardiel studied her appearance carefully. She had violet eyes and red hair, hair so red it looked like fire.
"The eyes I can understand," muttered Alakardiel, "or at least I could if she was a fan of Brave New World. The hair, though - I don't get that."
The Sue harrumphed impatiently. "I am Andy - I cannot be slain by anyone, be they mortal or immortal!"
"That's rather odd," said Alakardiel in a bored voice, "as your hair seems to be made of fire and is subsequently burning you to death."
The Sue glanced up at her hair, only to see that this was true. With the vaporization point of Sues being relatively low, it did not take long before Andy was no more.
"Well," said Alakardiel to the last Sue and Stu. "Are you willing to face me, or would you rather die of your own accord?"
The Sue and Stu took a giant step back. Alakardiel grinned. They were playing right into her trap.
"So," she asked the Sue. "What's your name?"
The Sue and Stu, trying desperately to avoid being slain, took another step back, and subsequently fell off the flet on which they stood, landing with a nice splat noise.
"Well, that's that taken care of," remarked Alakardiel calmly, dusting off her hands. "Now if only I could get back to my business . . ."
It was then that four things happened. One, Alakardiel realized that she'd forgotten to dispose of Andy's animal companion, Starflake. Two, Starflake, realizing that its owner was dead, charged at Alakardiel, knocking her off the flet, and in the process falling itself. Three, Alakardiel, instead of falling to her death, as the last Sue and Stu had done, was caught neatly by a certain Legolas Thranduillion. Four, across the various parts of Earth, a number of Suvians could be heard to scream as their Sues, without warning, were removed from various fan fiction sites on the reason that they had violated the Terms of Service.
Next Chapter: Alakardiel learns the dangers of lusting after Legolas.
Reviewer Replies:
UndeadGoat - I didn't mean the mini-boarder. Thanks for pointing that out. :o)
Megalomaniac2 - Thanks! That's probably the best compliment I've gotten on this.
The Oracle At Delphi - Alakardiel will come to her senses, hopefully in the next chapter.
Hirotani - Yes, you made me work. And yes, you should be proud of doing so!
AlmightyIshboo - Is this soon enough for you?
s n o g g I n g withdrawal - Wow - thanks!
Das Blume - Thanks!
Silverhill - Thank you for pointing out what you liked - hopefully the conversations with the Sues are just as good. :o)
Phoenix Flight - *Takes a bow* Thanks!
One question before I go - should this continue into Edoras or end with the breaking of the company? Please e-mail or leave as a lj comment any and all thoughts on this proposal. :o)
A/N– The Sues and Stus featured in this chapter are compliments of the following PPCers: Hellga, Jon, Jo, Nathonea, Katherine and Co., and Vemi. Jo and Nathonea's Sues are parody Sues and can be found at the URLs listed on my bio. :o)
Without further ado, here is the chapter!
After the run-in with Larimariel, Alakardiel was wary of who she spoke with, making sure that they were a nondescript character, and not a Mary Sue before confronting them. However, like attracts like, and it was not long before she found herself surrounded by a crowd of Mary Sues and Gary Stus.
It happened two days after arriving in Lorien. Alakardiel had been walking, thinking of ways to escape from Middle Earth before the death of Boromir and the breaking of the Fellowship (she disliked running, and knew from different fics that she'd read that Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli spent quite a bit of time doing just that after Boromir's death) when they had found her. One of the Warrior Elf Stus had bound and gagged her before carrying her to a flet where the rest of authors-turned-sue were waiting for her to put in an appearance. Upon arrival, she was greeted by a number of seemingly woeful Sues and Stus, each speaking in turn, each, it seemed, trying to get her to listen to their tale, that they might draw her into their stories and warp canon even further.
"Alas, and welcome, fair maid that shares our plight," lamented one Stu. "I am Matias Ar'yul, the long lost elven brother of Faramir. I am better at archery than Legolas Greenleaf, and the true love of Arwen Undomiel. Alas that I did not return to Rivendell in time to make her my wife!"
Alakardiel stared at him, puzzled, then decided this was not a good idea. Taller than most elves, with black and silver eyes and wavy brown hair, he looked almost as out of place as Larimariel. "How is that possible," she asked finally.
"How is what possible," Matias Ar'yul asked, sounding irked. "Did you not listen to me?"
She nodded. "Yes, I did - but you don't really seem to fit into the story anywhere. Faramir was human - how can you be an elf if he isn't?"
"Do not question my logic!" Matias Ar'yul sputtered. "It is simple - Denethor took an elven lover after his wife died. I am the one born of that union."
"That doesn't make sense either," Alakardiel commented thoughtfully. "After all, that would make you in your thirties at most, wouldn't it? The lowest age I've ever heard an elf maturing at is fifty. Besides, Aragorn and Arwen have been loyal to each other for sixty years or so, meaning that you weren't even born when they met and pledged their love for one another."
"I - I," the Stu said, indignant, before collapsing into a pile of ash.
"That's interesting," remarked Alakardiel dryly. "The last one vanished in a puff of logic."
"It is no matter," said a Sue, stepping forward. "He was rash, as I shall not be. Join us, Alakardiel - the last perfect beings of Tolkien's world."
Alakardiel stepped back, giving the Sue a look of distaste. "Who are you, anyway?"
The Sue gave her a woeful look, flipping back her sun drenched golden hair and widening her dazzling emerald eyes. "I am Katherinewen, elfin maiden and lover of Thranduil of Mirkwood," she answered mournfully, a single tear sliding down her cheek. "Alas that I was banished here by my love's parents early in the Second Age of Middle Earth, doomed to wander until my love could come to claim me again."
Alakardiel snorted, and tried hard not to laugh. "I'm sorry to have to break it to you, but remember Legolas of Mirkwood?"
At the name, the Sue's eyes went dark, and her (ample) bosom heaved as she sighed. "Yes, I remember. Legolas, the evil doer who cast me out of my home and into this wretched wood. Legolas, usurper of the throne of Mirkwood!" she exclaimed, flipping her hair for dramatic effect.
"Um, no. Thranduil is Legolas' father, which means that either you're mistaken as to who you loved, or Thranduil was unfaithful," said Alakardiel, watching the Sue's face for any change of expression. "Besides, what do you mean, last perfect beings of Tolkien's world? What about the Valar - they may not be in Middle Earth, but they're in Tolkien's world all the same!"
A loud crack resounded from Katherinewen's chest. "Oh," she exclaimed, and fell over, laying quite still.
Alakardiel blinked. "What happened to her?"
Another Sue stepped forward, her hair knee-length golden brown this time; her eyes constantly shifting from green to grey to blue. "Her heart broke," she remarked coolly, "as mine will not."
Alakardiel resisted the urge to stick out her tongue. "What makes you say that?"
The Sue smiled wryly. "It will not break, for I am betrothed to my beloved, Orophin. I am the fifth most beautiful woman in Middle Earth, my beauty surpassed only by Luthien, Arwen, Galadriel, and Celebrian. I am Celeborn's niece, the child of his brother, Galathil. I am Melindë," she proclaimed grandly.
Alakardiel frowned. This Sue was almost canon. She had never read The Silmarillion, so she could not say if Galathil was real - or if he even had a daughter. Her name sounded almost like real elvish. Almost . . . it hit her what she could get the Sue on. "Your name," she remarked, as if idly. "It's not real elvish, is it?"
The Sue twitched. "Yes it is - I am an elf, why would I not have an elvish name?"
"Your name is no more elvish than mine is - you're nothing more than a Sue trying to pass as being real."
The Sue squeaked in protest as her corporeal form began to dissolve. "You can't do this to me! I'm canon I tell you, canon!"
Alakardiel smiled to herself. "Who else dares to confront me?"
"I do," remarked one raven-haired Sue. "How is it that no one has thought to kill you when you are a tenth-member Sue?"
Alakardiel shrugged. "Probably because I have a reasonable background and through trial and error I've learnt not to try and make Legolas fall for me."
The Sue paused, at a loss for words. "Very well, then."
"What's your name," inquired Alakardiel. "Or better yet, how am I to dispose of you?"
The Sue rolled her clear blue-grey eyes. "I am Lindelaurinel Victoria Perewen, daughter of an unnamed yet canonical elf. I would like to thank you, for by getting rid of my contemporary, you have made it possible for me to claim my rightful place as Celeborn's niece."
"Niece?" Alakardiel asked, stifling a laugh. "Then I wish you luck, for no such thing exists that I know of."
The Sue let out a cry of incoherent rage as she began to dwindle away into nothing. "I'll get you for this if it's the last thing I do . . ."
Her cry was cut off abruptly as Alakardiel stepped on her.
A tiny waisted, big chested Sue stepped forward, flipping her lustrous golden locks, her gold rimmed green eyes flashing. "I am Arsarmwen, the true love of -"
"Oh, save it, sister," snapped Alakardiel, growing tired of facing off against the Sues. "With a chest like that and a waist like that, you should snap in half, not stand up here confronting me."
The Sue gasped - and promptly did just that.
One of the last Mary Sues standing stepped forward. "I am Andyáviëien, more commonly known as Andy. With my horse, Starflake, I will slay you, and win the love of Legolas Greenleaf!"
Alakardiel studied her appearance carefully. She had violet eyes and red hair, hair so red it looked like fire.
"The eyes I can understand," muttered Alakardiel, "or at least I could if she was a fan of Brave New World. The hair, though - I don't get that."
The Sue harrumphed impatiently. "I am Andy - I cannot be slain by anyone, be they mortal or immortal!"
"That's rather odd," said Alakardiel in a bored voice, "as your hair seems to be made of fire and is subsequently burning you to death."
The Sue glanced up at her hair, only to see that this was true. With the vaporization point of Sues being relatively low, it did not take long before Andy was no more.
"Well," said Alakardiel to the last Sue and Stu. "Are you willing to face me, or would you rather die of your own accord?"
The Sue and Stu took a giant step back. Alakardiel grinned. They were playing right into her trap.
"So," she asked the Sue. "What's your name?"
The Sue and Stu, trying desperately to avoid being slain, took another step back, and subsequently fell off the flet on which they stood, landing with a nice splat noise.
"Well, that's that taken care of," remarked Alakardiel calmly, dusting off her hands. "Now if only I could get back to my business . . ."
It was then that four things happened. One, Alakardiel realized that she'd forgotten to dispose of Andy's animal companion, Starflake. Two, Starflake, realizing that its owner was dead, charged at Alakardiel, knocking her off the flet, and in the process falling itself. Three, Alakardiel, instead of falling to her death, as the last Sue and Stu had done, was caught neatly by a certain Legolas Thranduillion. Four, across the various parts of Earth, a number of Suvians could be heard to scream as their Sues, without warning, were removed from various fan fiction sites on the reason that they had violated the Terms of Service.
Next Chapter: Alakardiel learns the dangers of lusting after Legolas.
Reviewer Replies:
UndeadGoat - I didn't mean the mini-boarder. Thanks for pointing that out. :o)
Megalomaniac2 - Thanks! That's probably the best compliment I've gotten on this.
The Oracle At Delphi - Alakardiel will come to her senses, hopefully in the next chapter.
Hirotani - Yes, you made me work. And yes, you should be proud of doing so!
AlmightyIshboo - Is this soon enough for you?
s n o g g I n g withdrawal - Wow - thanks!
Das Blume - Thanks!
Silverhill - Thank you for pointing out what you liked - hopefully the conversations with the Sues are just as good. :o)
Phoenix Flight - *Takes a bow* Thanks!
One question before I go - should this continue into Edoras or end with the breaking of the company? Please e-mail or leave as a lj comment any and all thoughts on this proposal. :o)