Chapter 2
"You go to your first Snapefest today," James observed the next Monday.

Sirius grinned. "Um, Snapefest?"

"Yes, that's what I'm going to call them. I think I like the word."

"Snapefest."

"Yes."

"Wow. Damn, do you need a life, Jamie."

"Oh, shut up. So, you ready for tutoring?"

"I guess so, if you can call knowing that you're going to be spending an hour a night with a greasy slimeball who hates you as much as you hate him 'ready'."

"WOW. You are really optimistic about this, aren't you?"

"That's me, always cheerful."

"Padfoot, don't hurt him."

"What?"

"No hexing."

"Eh. Don't worry, he's probably all loaded up with all these difficult anti-hex potions."

"Was that a joke?"

"Yeah."

"It was a TERRIBLE joke. Don't ever say anything that stupid again."

"Right."

Remus poked his head in between their shoulders. "What are we talking about?"

"How much we hate people who pop in in the middle of the conversation. Right, Siri? Don't you HATE that?"

"Yup."

Remus sniffed.

"KIDDING, Remmy. Good God."

"What are we talking about?"

"The first Snapefest occurs tonight."

"Um, Snapefest?"

"Oh, shut up."


"Hi," Sirius muttered later that night. He and Snape had agreed to meet in the library, and he was running about five minutes late. Much as he disliked Snape, he hated to be late for their first appointment. He slammed his books down on the table Snape had sat down at. "I'm sorry I'm late, I just. . ."

Snape cut him off. "It's all right." He opened a Potions book and took out a worksheet. Sirius saw the word "Benchmarks" on the top in big bold letters. Snape studied it for a few seconds before scribbling some words down on a sheet of paper. After writing for about a minute, he shoved the paper over to Sirius.

"Can you do this?"

Sirius studied the paper. "Yes."

"Good." Snape nodded. Then checked back on the sheet, took the paper back, and scribbled something else. "How about this?"

"Uh, yeah."

More writing. "And this?"

"Uh. . . yeah. . ."

Snape looked doubtful. "Do it for me, then."

Sirius bit his lip, then pulled the paper back to him and grabbed a quill from his cloak. Two minutes later he gave the paper back to Snape, satisfied. But the other boy looked over it and shook his head.

"No, Black. You have to find the potion's viscosity BEFORE you figure out how much asphodel to add. No WONDER you can't pull off an aphrodisiac. You've got your formulas all mixed up."

"Really?"

Snape sighed. "Black, have you been listening to Lector at ALL this year?"

"Yes!"

Snape stared.

"Okay, no."

"That's what I thought. We're going to have to begin at the beginning, aren't we?"

"No!" Sirius replied defensively. He pointed to the top of the paper. "I can do that!"

"Black, these are fifth year benchmarks."

"Uh, are you kidding?"

"Not at all. Now, if you want to pass your N.E.W.T.s next year, I suggest working very hard at this."

Sirius looked at him defiantly. "I know."

"Good. Now let's get started."


Although both boys had agreed to end the study session at nine o'clock, nine thirty found them both still working hard.

"Black. You have GOT to-"

"I know, I know, calculate viscosity."

"Well if you KNOW, why don't you DO it?"

'He is so aggravating. He thinks he knows EVERYTHING! "Black, do this, Black, do that!" What an ASS!' Sirius resisted the urge to grunt and instead replied, "I don't know. I'll think next time."

"Good. You better." 'He is so ignorant. It's like he doesn't want to learn anything. Why am I wasting my time?'

Madam Pince came up behind them. "It is nine forty five. Students should be out of the library now."

"All right," Sirius muttered. Snape mumbled an affirmative as well.

"Thank you," Sirius grumbled, shoving his textbook into his bag, "for helping me with this." 'Yeah right. I'll thank you and mean it when hell freezes over.'

"You're welcome." 'I'd rather be having a hernia.'

"How was your first Snapefest?" James asked ten minutes later, when Sirius stumbled into the dorms.

"Eh."

"That good, huh?" Remus called from the bathroom. He poked his head around the wall, toothbrush in mouth. "Sounds good."

"You wouldn't believe how goddamn OVERBEARING he is!" Sirius fumed. "I mean, sure, he knows his stuff, but he's just so pompous! It's like he's the only person in the whole world who can do potions! He thinks I'm the stupidest person in the entire world!"

"Um, could that have anything to do with the fact that your only goal for the past six years has been to make him miserable?" Remus asked, rolling his eyes as he went back into the bathroom to spit.

"Okay, that's not fair. It wasn't my ONLY goal, and-"

"You're lucky he's doing this at all," Remus interrupted. "You don't think it's weird that he doesn't HATE you?"

"Maybe one of them is pregnant with the other's child," James suggested from his bed, grinning. Sirius turned around to glare.

"One, that's not even funny. Two, why in the world would that occur to you? Even if it were true, what is your obsession with male pregnancy?"

"Hey, if my best MALE friend were pregnant, I'd be pretty damn fascinated."

"You see what happens when he stays up late?" Remus demanded, jerking his thumb back at James and then glaring at him. "From now on, you're not allowed to stay up till Siri gets home!"

"What? Why?!"

"Because you're talking about male pregnancy! That's not right!"

Sirius laughed. "You know what's great about hanging out with you, Jamie?"

"No, what?"

"Around you, even I feel smart."

"AUGH!"


The next morning, Gryffindors had Herbology first. And to the amazement of both James and Remus, five minutes into the class, Sirius sidled up between them and pulled out his textbook to take notes on the lecture Professor Sprout had just begun.

"Why are you here?" Remus hissed.

"Oh, nice, Moony. Good to see you, too."

"You know what I meant! Why aren't you with Lector?"

Sirius grinned proudly. "I showed him all the stuff I could do. He said to keep studying with Snape for another week without coming to him, and then he'll test how much I've learned in that week. If it's up to his standards, I never have to come to his little tutor-sessions again!"

James clapped. "No more six hour long homework parties!"

"Right!" Sirius stopped taking notes to do a little happy dance.

Professor Sprout looked up in time to see the dance. "Black! There will be no mating dances in my classroom!"

"I'm not MATING. I'm EXUBERANT."

"You're exuberantly mating. How's that."

"Deal- wait! No I'm not!"

"Well then, Black, for the love of God and all that is holy, SIT DOWN!"

"Yes ma'am."

"Oh! She told you!" Remus hissed when Sirius sat down. "That was the funniest thing I've seen all day."

"Shut up, Moony."

"He's right," James added. "She thinks you were mating! Ha!" He laughed, then abruptly stopped. His eyes widened. "Who did she think you were mating WITH?"

"You, probably," Remus whispered. "You two ARE perfect together."

"Okay, what the hell?"

"It's true. And believe me, I know gay couples."

Sirius snorted. "You would."

"And what was that supposed to mean?"

"Think about it, Moony."

"What the- oh! I get it! HEY!"

"You're the most naïve-"

"BLACK! Are you TRYING to get sent back to Lector?!"

"No, ma'am!"

Professor Sprout frowned. "Well then be quiet!"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Burn," James cackled under his breath.

"Shut up, Prongs, you urchin."

"Urchin? URCHIN? What the-"

"BLACK! POTTER!" Sprout was beyond patience now; she was bellowing at the top of her voice. "AM I GOING TO HAVE TO SEW YOUR LIPS TOGETHER IN AN ATTEMPT TO SHUT YOU UP?"

"Ma'am, I'm sorry, I-"

"YOU WERE SORRY TEN MINUTES AGO!"

"I'm-"

"YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY DOWN TO PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE! BOTH OF YOU!"

Remus snorted.

"AS ARE YOU, MR. LUPIN!"

"What?!"

"YOU HEARD ME!"

"Ha. Ha ha ha! Burn on the prefect!" Sirius exclaimed, grinning.

Remus returned the grin. "Shut up."

"ALL THREE OF YOU SHUT UP! KINDLY SPARE ME MORE OF YOUR BICKERING AND GO SEE PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE!"

"Yes ma'am," James said, exiting the room with Remus.

"Sprout, darling, I still love you," Sirius cried, heading for the door.

"OUT!" she shrieked, at the same time that Remus and James each grabbed a shoulder and yanked him out of the classroom.

"I still love you?" Remus repeated, shaking his head. "Nice touch."

"Thank you. I thought so."

They walked down the hallway in silence until reaching Professor Dumbledore's office. James knocked.

"Come in."

The three boys stepped in, looking around. Dumbledore had the coolest office in the entire school- it was full of knick-knacks from all the places he'd visited. "You boys AGAIN? Who from now?"

"Sprout."

"Why?"

"I told her I loved her."

Dumbledore frowned. "Before or after you got sent to me?"

Sirius sighed. "After."

"Well, what did you do?"

"We talked," James responded truthfully.

"How many times did she tell you to shut up?"

"Three."

"Merlin. You know I'll never be able to understand why you three haven't been kicked out?"

"Albus, darling, that hurt but I still love you," Sirius exclaimed.

Dumbledore put his head in his hands and laughed. "Is that what you did to poor Professor Sprout?"

"Maybe. . ."

"Well, honestly, Black. Are you actually wondering why you're here?"

"No."

"Back to class."

Remus, James, and Sirius all stared. "Really?"

"Really."

"You're not going to. . ." Remus trailed off.

Dumbledore grinned. "You will, of course, all be serving detentions with me tonight. Sirius, I'd say it's a good thing you will have significantly less homework."

All three boys groaned.

"Out! Get to class!"

"Yes, sir."


"And so you want to take it by the root and- oh no." Professor Sprout grimaced as she watched Sirius, James, and Remus slip into the room. "You're back ALREADY?"

"I think as a teacher it should be your responsibility NOT to make me feel inferior to the rest of the world," Sirius told her.

"I think as a student it should be your responsibility not to make me feel like getting stone drunk at the end of every class period I have you for. Now sit down before I do something we will both terribly regret."

Sirius sat.

For the rest of the period, all of the Marauders sat quietly and carefully copied down all the notes that were given.

"I can't believe," Remus began, during the last minutes of class when everyone was packing up, "that I have a detention tonight."

"How are you EVER going to get to be Head Boy?" James asked in mock concern.

"Shut up."

"You know," Sirius murmured, stroking his chin thoughtfully, "if Remmy became head boy, we could take his dorm room and use it for when we had girls."

"You most certainly could not."

"And why is that?"

"Unless you wanted to. . . carry on your business AROUND me, you'd have to fund somewhere else."

"You aren't any fun at all, Moony," Sirius grumbled, and threw a quill at him.



"So, boys, you're here tonight because of misbehavior in Professor Sprout's class." Dumbledore peered over his half moon glasses to look at Sirius and James in particular, probably convinced that Remus was an accomplice. "I've contemplated this all day and come to the conclusion that your problem is this: you don't have any communication skills."

"WHAT?! I-"

"Black! Shut up! Anyway, as I was saying, this detention will be served learning to communicate effectively as a person, as opposed to grunting around as you were apparently doing today in poor Professor Sprout's class."

James stared at him, dumbfounded. "You have GOT to be kidding me."

"No, Mr. Potter, by the time you exit this room you will be a much more attentive listener and an overall more well-rounded person."



" 'I feel because' statements. A very effective tool in communication. Remus, perhaps you'd like to give it a try?"

"Not at all, sir."

"James?"

"Not a snowball's chance in hell. Sir."

"Mr. Potter, I see that after we work on this basic building block, the next task shall be substitutes for profanity. Give me an 'I feel because' statement."

"I feel like an idiot because I'm sitting here serving my detention by receiving therapy."

Dumbledore smiled. "And I feel like an idiot giving it to you because you are quite possibly one of the most stubborn students I've ever had the pleasure of teaching. Sirius? A statement?"

"No, sir."

"Come on."

"No!"

"Please?"

Sirius folded his arms. "I hate this."

" 'I feel because'!"

"I agree with James."

"You three are impossible."



"Now, who can give me a substitute in place of profanity?"

"Fuck."

Dumbledore steepled his fingers. "Potter, that IS profanity."

"Really?"

"Really."

James shook his head. "Wow."

"This explains a LOT of your teacher reports," Dumbledore muttered, head in hands. "Can you other two give me a substitute?"

Sirius grinned eagerly. "Holy cat nipples!"

"Uh, Siri?" James began, laughing.

"I'd almost prefer you said what the hell," Dumbledore replied, shaking his head. "I HATE it when I get you three for detention.

Remus's jaw dropped in mock surprise. "You do? Holy cat nipples!"

"Lupin!"

"WHAT? Would you prefer I said what the fuck?"

"NO! Try shuckie-darn!"

"YOU don't even say that," Sirius said, shocked. "I'm not going to say anything that dorky!"

"I feel because!"

"I feel that that's a really stupid saying because. . . it's. . . weird."

"Here." Dumbledore handed Sirius, James, and Remus pamphlets of parchment entitled "these are booklets of how to construct an effective 'I feel because' sentence."

"What do we do with these?" Remus asked, dreading the answer.

"Read them, and by the end of the night, we are going to be constructing sentences with ease!"

Sirius stared, disgusted, at the pamphlet in his hands. "This is gay."

Dumbledore's eyes flamed. "Sirius! What did you just call it?"

"Um, gay?"

"Unless you want another detention, you will be writing me an essay, to be handed in by the end of my class tomorrow. The essay will describe, in detail, exactly how you can justify calling this pamphlet gay."

"What?"

"Your essay will describe this pamphlet's sexual history, therefore proving to me that you were justified in calling this pamphlet gay. I want specific names of sexual partners, and, if at all possible, input of the pamphlet itself on how it feels about its sexuality."

"You have GOT to be kidding me!"

"No, I can assure you, I'm not."

"WHY?"

"Calling someone gay," Dumbledore began, "is a very ignorant and close-minded thing to do. Not only is it completely inconsiderate to anyone involved's feelings, but it takes something that is someone else's way of life and mocks it, making it out to be something derogatory. Black, I suggest making this a VERY high quality essay or you will be spending tomorrow with me as well. And if you DO earn another detention, guess what we'll be doing?"

"Working on healthy communication?"

"Correct!"

"AAAH!"

End of Chapter 2

And so there you go. . . I've made a mockery of counselors and Positive Peer Influence and all that good stuff. Oh, I'm going to hell for sure.

Review and I'll love you!

PS- We'll get more into Sirius and Severus next chapter, I promise!