Chapter 3- In Which Sirius and Severus Achieve The Ability To Bond (But
Sadly Enough Remain Painfully Straight)
"So," Sirius muttered one evening, sitting in the library next to Snape. "How was your day?" It had been about three weeks since the tutoring had begun, but the awkwardness that had set in at first still hadn't gone away.
"All right, I guess," the other boy replied dismissively.
"Severus," Sirius asked, leaning back in his chair and displaying a rare moment of somberness, "are you happy?"
"Excuse me?"
"I asked you if you were happy."
"Why?"
"Because I'd like to know."
"Why?"
"Because I'm stalking you. Jesus Christ, Severus, it's just a question! Either answer it or don't!"
"Okay. My answer is sometimes."
"What?"
"I am sometimes happy."
"When are you happy? Whenever you're around me or in any classes you don't seem very happy."
"I don't like school very much."
"Are you happy during the summer?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because during the summer I'm alone. I don't have anyone to talk to."
Sirius's eyes widened. "You LIKE that?"
"Yes. I prefer to be alone."
"WHY?"
"What the hell is this, twenty questions?"
"No, but. . . look, if you want me to stop talking, that's fine. We've got a lot of lesson ahead of us, and. . ."
"I don't mind if you talk."
"Thank you."
"I simply reserve the right not to answer."
"Fair enough," Sirius commented thoughtfully. "Why do you like being alone?"
"Because then I don't have to talk to anyone. No one can tell me what's wrong with me. I don't have to put up a front; I don't have to pretend to care."
"Do you do that a lot?"
"Do I do what a lot?"
"Pretend to care."
"Black, I would be more than willing to bet that every emotion you've ever seen me display has been pretend."
"Even anger?"
"Yes. Perhaps not frustration; that's real enough. But aside from that, everything is simply a game."
"Why?"
"It's much easier to hate than it is to love. And it's even easier to simply detach yourself than it is to hate."
"So what you're saying is that you're the way you are because any other way of life would be too hard?" Sirius shook his head. "I don't believe that."
"It isn't that it would be too hard. I could handle any type of emotion in the world, Black. It's simply that nothing in my entire life has ever made me feel strongly enough to CARE enough to make the effort."
"So you could do it if you wanted to."
"Of course."
"I don't believe you."
A faint look of surprise flitted across Snape's face. "Really."
"Really. I don't think you could handle the emotional load."
He snorted. "I hardly consider you and your petty affairs to be a 'load'."
"That's because you've never dealt with it."
"How do you know?"
Sirius grinned triumphantly. "So you HAVE loved someone."
"Everyone has, Black. I never said I'd never loved anyone. I simply said I choose not to anymore. It's really no wonder you're failing Potions; you seem to have no grasp of the real world."
"I have plenty of 'grasp'. I could figure out any potion you threw at me, after all the work we've done. But you know. . ." he cocked his head, "I can't figure YOU out."
"Why would you want to?"
"I don't know. I've become interested in you."
"Why?"
"The way you live is, to me, simply amazing."
"I don't understand."
"You're almost my exact polar opposite. I've never met someone so unlike me in my entire life."
"Why does that interest you at all?"
"It doesn't. I'm interested in the fact that I find that type of person so easy to talk to."
For the first time in the conversation, Snape's eyes widened and he seemed genuinely caught off guard. "You think I'm easy to talk to?"
"Yes. I've never had a conversation like this with James."
"What about Lupin? He seems like the type you'd run to."
"Nah. He's got a girlfriend now."
"I know." Snape's answers were getting slower. For a while, Sirius was afraid that he'd made him too shy to continue. "Michelle."
"Yes. Do you like her?"
Snape shrugged. "I don't know," he muttered finally. "I've never talked to her."
"I thought you based friendship on looks alone."
"Normally, I do," Snape replied thoughtfully. "But you know. . ." He shook his head. "Ever since you came along, Black," he continued, now softer than ever, "everything I look at seems to have changed."
"Where's Sirius?" James asked curiously, looking around as she poked her head into the boys' bedroom. "He appears to be gone."
Remus looked up and set down the book. "He's with Snape."
"This whole time?"
"Yeah. We don't know what they're doing; we think that one of them finally broke and killed and ate the other one."
"God. Where did they GO?"
"I don't know. Why, what's your rush to find Sirius?"
"I dunno." He shrugged, grinned, and sat down next to Remus. "I wanted to play a game of Quidditch, but. . . ah well. I have homework. And that's what you're here for."
"You really know what to say to boost a guy's self esteem, Jamie."
"What can I say?"
"Severus, I'm going to say something that's either going to make you feel slightly more human or make you hex me until I'm puking out my ass."
Snape frowned. "What's that?"
"Well. . . I mean, for six years I've really disliked you. For six years, you've been the bane of my existence and the sole target of every joke I've ever played. Let's face it, I HATED you."
"You're right. This IS touching."
Sirius grinned. "That's not what I was getting at."
"Really? I was just beginning to feel warm and fuzzy."
"What I was going to say is this: I really like you."
Snape looked at the ground and said nothing.
"Severus? Severus! I'm sorry, I didn't mean. . . I thought. . . I don't mean that I like you as anything more than a friend, I just. . . I wanted to. . . I'm sorry if I put you on the spot. . . look, forget I said anything." He sighed.
"No. It's just that you're probably the first person who's ever stayed with me of his own will."
"That's because I'm the only person who's ever gotten the chance to know the real you."
"There is no "real me", Black. I'm just Snape. Greasy, bitter, angry, brooding Snape."
"No. Well, I mean, you are all of those things. . . but that's not all you are."
"And how do you know?"
"Because I've been talking to you for hours every night for the past week. The guy I've been talking to is more than greasy and angry."
"No. No he's not. And besides, everything that I am is an act anyway." He sighed, then pounded the wall next to them. "You know, sometimes I get sick of it."
"You know, it doesn't have to be like that," Sirius whispered.
Severus stood up, yelling now. "Yes it does! Don't you SEE, you infernally, WRETCHEDLY idiotic jerk-off?"
"See WHAT?"
"This is who I am!"
"No it's not! This is who you're pretending to be!"
"This is what I'm SUPPOSED to be! And it was all going fine until I started talking to you! In the past week, I've looked at myself in the mirror more times than I have this whole YEAR and said, 'Severus, who the hell are you?' I mean, Jesus, Black! Are you HAPPY now that you've compromised everything that I am?"
"Yes! I'm happy that I've compromised everything that you THINK that you are! Now you can be the person that I KNOW you are!"
"And who is that?"
"Someone who's smart. Brilliant, even. Someone who cares enough to not let me fail, no matter how much of an ass I can be. And so much more than that."
"Why do you care? I'm not even your friend!"
"Yes you are!"
"No I'm NOT! I am NOT your friend! I am your Potions tutor! That is ALL!"
"You're so wrong, Severus," Sirius muttered, shaking his head. "I don't understand why you're making yourself be this shallow, isolated freak!"
"I'm not shallow," Snape breathed through his teeth rapidly, "and for your information, isolation is the way I like to be." He scoffed and turned around, walking briskly and curtly over to the Slytherin dormitories.
Sirius sighed, picked up his books and parchment, and headed back to his dorm as well.
End of Chapter 3
Review. . . I love you. . . please?
This and the next chapter were originally one chapter, but it was too long to post, so I cut them in two. If I get like two reviews or something like that I'll post the next chapter. ("Review whore! REVIEW WHORE!")
"So," Sirius muttered one evening, sitting in the library next to Snape. "How was your day?" It had been about three weeks since the tutoring had begun, but the awkwardness that had set in at first still hadn't gone away.
"All right, I guess," the other boy replied dismissively.
"Severus," Sirius asked, leaning back in his chair and displaying a rare moment of somberness, "are you happy?"
"Excuse me?"
"I asked you if you were happy."
"Why?"
"Because I'd like to know."
"Why?"
"Because I'm stalking you. Jesus Christ, Severus, it's just a question! Either answer it or don't!"
"Okay. My answer is sometimes."
"What?"
"I am sometimes happy."
"When are you happy? Whenever you're around me or in any classes you don't seem very happy."
"I don't like school very much."
"Are you happy during the summer?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because during the summer I'm alone. I don't have anyone to talk to."
Sirius's eyes widened. "You LIKE that?"
"Yes. I prefer to be alone."
"WHY?"
"What the hell is this, twenty questions?"
"No, but. . . look, if you want me to stop talking, that's fine. We've got a lot of lesson ahead of us, and. . ."
"I don't mind if you talk."
"Thank you."
"I simply reserve the right not to answer."
"Fair enough," Sirius commented thoughtfully. "Why do you like being alone?"
"Because then I don't have to talk to anyone. No one can tell me what's wrong with me. I don't have to put up a front; I don't have to pretend to care."
"Do you do that a lot?"
"Do I do what a lot?"
"Pretend to care."
"Black, I would be more than willing to bet that every emotion you've ever seen me display has been pretend."
"Even anger?"
"Yes. Perhaps not frustration; that's real enough. But aside from that, everything is simply a game."
"Why?"
"It's much easier to hate than it is to love. And it's even easier to simply detach yourself than it is to hate."
"So what you're saying is that you're the way you are because any other way of life would be too hard?" Sirius shook his head. "I don't believe that."
"It isn't that it would be too hard. I could handle any type of emotion in the world, Black. It's simply that nothing in my entire life has ever made me feel strongly enough to CARE enough to make the effort."
"So you could do it if you wanted to."
"Of course."
"I don't believe you."
A faint look of surprise flitted across Snape's face. "Really."
"Really. I don't think you could handle the emotional load."
He snorted. "I hardly consider you and your petty affairs to be a 'load'."
"That's because you've never dealt with it."
"How do you know?"
Sirius grinned triumphantly. "So you HAVE loved someone."
"Everyone has, Black. I never said I'd never loved anyone. I simply said I choose not to anymore. It's really no wonder you're failing Potions; you seem to have no grasp of the real world."
"I have plenty of 'grasp'. I could figure out any potion you threw at me, after all the work we've done. But you know. . ." he cocked his head, "I can't figure YOU out."
"Why would you want to?"
"I don't know. I've become interested in you."
"Why?"
"The way you live is, to me, simply amazing."
"I don't understand."
"You're almost my exact polar opposite. I've never met someone so unlike me in my entire life."
"Why does that interest you at all?"
"It doesn't. I'm interested in the fact that I find that type of person so easy to talk to."
For the first time in the conversation, Snape's eyes widened and he seemed genuinely caught off guard. "You think I'm easy to talk to?"
"Yes. I've never had a conversation like this with James."
"What about Lupin? He seems like the type you'd run to."
"Nah. He's got a girlfriend now."
"I know." Snape's answers were getting slower. For a while, Sirius was afraid that he'd made him too shy to continue. "Michelle."
"Yes. Do you like her?"
Snape shrugged. "I don't know," he muttered finally. "I've never talked to her."
"I thought you based friendship on looks alone."
"Normally, I do," Snape replied thoughtfully. "But you know. . ." He shook his head. "Ever since you came along, Black," he continued, now softer than ever, "everything I look at seems to have changed."
"Where's Sirius?" James asked curiously, looking around as she poked her head into the boys' bedroom. "He appears to be gone."
Remus looked up and set down the book. "He's with Snape."
"This whole time?"
"Yeah. We don't know what they're doing; we think that one of them finally broke and killed and ate the other one."
"God. Where did they GO?"
"I don't know. Why, what's your rush to find Sirius?"
"I dunno." He shrugged, grinned, and sat down next to Remus. "I wanted to play a game of Quidditch, but. . . ah well. I have homework. And that's what you're here for."
"You really know what to say to boost a guy's self esteem, Jamie."
"What can I say?"
"Severus, I'm going to say something that's either going to make you feel slightly more human or make you hex me until I'm puking out my ass."
Snape frowned. "What's that?"
"Well. . . I mean, for six years I've really disliked you. For six years, you've been the bane of my existence and the sole target of every joke I've ever played. Let's face it, I HATED you."
"You're right. This IS touching."
Sirius grinned. "That's not what I was getting at."
"Really? I was just beginning to feel warm and fuzzy."
"What I was going to say is this: I really like you."
Snape looked at the ground and said nothing.
"Severus? Severus! I'm sorry, I didn't mean. . . I thought. . . I don't mean that I like you as anything more than a friend, I just. . . I wanted to. . . I'm sorry if I put you on the spot. . . look, forget I said anything." He sighed.
"No. It's just that you're probably the first person who's ever stayed with me of his own will."
"That's because I'm the only person who's ever gotten the chance to know the real you."
"There is no "real me", Black. I'm just Snape. Greasy, bitter, angry, brooding Snape."
"No. Well, I mean, you are all of those things. . . but that's not all you are."
"And how do you know?"
"Because I've been talking to you for hours every night for the past week. The guy I've been talking to is more than greasy and angry."
"No. No he's not. And besides, everything that I am is an act anyway." He sighed, then pounded the wall next to them. "You know, sometimes I get sick of it."
"You know, it doesn't have to be like that," Sirius whispered.
Severus stood up, yelling now. "Yes it does! Don't you SEE, you infernally, WRETCHEDLY idiotic jerk-off?"
"See WHAT?"
"This is who I am!"
"No it's not! This is who you're pretending to be!"
"This is what I'm SUPPOSED to be! And it was all going fine until I started talking to you! In the past week, I've looked at myself in the mirror more times than I have this whole YEAR and said, 'Severus, who the hell are you?' I mean, Jesus, Black! Are you HAPPY now that you've compromised everything that I am?"
"Yes! I'm happy that I've compromised everything that you THINK that you are! Now you can be the person that I KNOW you are!"
"And who is that?"
"Someone who's smart. Brilliant, even. Someone who cares enough to not let me fail, no matter how much of an ass I can be. And so much more than that."
"Why do you care? I'm not even your friend!"
"Yes you are!"
"No I'm NOT! I am NOT your friend! I am your Potions tutor! That is ALL!"
"You're so wrong, Severus," Sirius muttered, shaking his head. "I don't understand why you're making yourself be this shallow, isolated freak!"
"I'm not shallow," Snape breathed through his teeth rapidly, "and for your information, isolation is the way I like to be." He scoffed and turned around, walking briskly and curtly over to the Slytherin dormitories.
Sirius sighed, picked up his books and parchment, and headed back to his dorm as well.
End of Chapter 3
Review. . . I love you. . . please?
This and the next chapter were originally one chapter, but it was too long to post, so I cut them in two. If I get like two reviews or something like that I'll post the next chapter. ("Review whore! REVIEW WHORE!")