Before I start this I'd like to say something:
Nic15: Oh my GOD. . . I LOVE you.
Chapter 5- In Which Remus Goes Mad Attempting A Party.
"So you seriously want to throw a party?" James repeated, skeptically.
"Yeah!" Remus exclaimed enthusiastically.
"Uh, forgive me for being so. . . pedestrian. . . but I don't understand exactly what this will solve."
"It will get Severus better acquainted with all the Gryffindors!"
James raised an eyebrow. "Um, WHY?"
Remus stood up, looking down at James, who was still in the bathtub. "To make him feel WELCOME, of course!"
James looked just as confused as before. "But WHY?"
Remus threw his hands up in despair. "You know NOTHING! You have NO social graces! I am SICK of talking to you!" He threw open the bathroom door.
"Where are you going?" James called.
"I'm going to go find Evans. She'll understand and she'll help me plan!"
"Well I say the hell with you. . . WAIT! Lily?! You SON OF A BITCH! Let me come!"
~~
"It'll be GREAT!" Sirius was exclaiming in the library later that week. "Remus is organizing it! You're the guest of honor!"
"Are you serious?"
"Always have been!"
Severus shook his head. "You're so lame."
"Shut up! You have to come!"
"Um, why?"
"Guest of honor!"
Severus folded his arms. "I'm not going."
"WHY?"
"I don't do dinner parties."
"WHY?"
"I'm SNAPE. I don't do parties."
"WHY?"
"Is your vocabulary always this monosyllabic?"
"Yes! No! Come to the goddamned party!"
"No."
"Yes!"
"WHAT is going on over here?" Madam Pince demanded, striding over, looking ready to issue detentions.
"Uh, nothing," Sirius replied quickly.
She glared. "Keep it that way."
Severus watched her until she was out of earshot and then hissed, "I'm not going."
"Yes you are!"
"No I'm not."
"Why?"
"I'm Snape. I belong in Slytherin. Sulking."
"Yeah, but SEVERUS belongs in the Gryffindor Common Room next Saturday, engaging in dinner parties."
"Black, shut up!"
"No! I will DRAG you to this party!"
Severus sighed. "Okay, okay, I give up and I'll come."
"YES!"
~~
Sirius climbed through the portrait hole later that day, and before he was able to stand and take in the Common Room, he was assaulted by a dark blur that seemed to have the hyperactivity of a two-year-old on coke. "Did you get Severus to come to the party?!" the blur shrieked.
"Moony, is that you?" he croaked.
"YES! DID HE SAY YES?!"
"Moony, I can't breathe. . . you're sitting on my neck. . ."
"Tell me if he said yes, goddammit, or I swear to God, I'll start JUMPING!"
"Yes! He said yes! Oh my GOD, get off me!"
Remus jumped off, looking slightly sheepish. "Sorry. I get a little. . . passionate about these things."
"Good God, Remus. I guess."
"Okay, everything is almost ready," Remus remarked, ticking off items on his fingers. "I've arranged for the house elves to cater, I've gotten a decorating committee for the Common Room together, I've hired a band, I've- "
"Remus. My God. The damn thing isn't for another week."
"This will NOT be a failure! I have PLANNED and PLANNED, and there is no longer any possible way this can go wrong, unless YOU SCREW IT UP! Is this clear, Sirius Black?"
"Um, yes. . . please, don't hurt me. . ."
"You can bet I'll hurt you if you mess this up!"
"Moony. Calm down and breathe. It is just a party. Repeat after me. It."
"It."
"Is just."
"Is not just."
"A party."
"A party."
"It is just a party."
"It is not just a party! Imagine all the things that could go wrong!"
"Like what."
"Uh. . . all the things that normally go wrong during parties, of course."
"Moony, what the hell. What are you planning on doing at this par-tay, anyway?"
"Well, first I'm serving drinks, and then we'll all dance, and then we'll sit down and eat, and then we'll play pin the tail on the donkey."
"What the hell?"
"I was kidding about the last part."
"Oh. Okay. Good."
"Christ, Siri." Remus laughed, then exhaled heavily. "So don't mess this up."
Sirius saluted. "I won't, Moony. You can count on me."
~~
"It's Saturday! Wake up!" Remus jumped onto James's bed. "Wake up!"
James rolled over and put his watch hand over his face, both to tell the time and to shield himself from the oddly demanding being on his bed. "Moony. The party doesn't start for ten hours. GO BACK TO BED."
"WAKE UP!" Remus cried, and pulled James by his feet out of bed.
"Aaah!"
"We must make this perfect for Severus!"
"Uh, generally I function better when I'm awake."
"Go take a shower! I'm waking up Sirius!"
In spite of his fatigue, James sat up and laughed. "Ha! Good luck! You'll need it!" He crawled over to the bathroom, announced, "And if anyone thinks they're pulling me from this shower before a full hours is up, they're out of their bloody mind," and shut the door.
"Sirius!" Remus shouted, not one to go back on his word.
"Mmph! Leemeealone! Wasn't me!"
"Get out of your dreamworld! It's time to PARTY!"
"YEAH!" Sirius shot straight up, then looked around and sighed. "Oh wait. Damn. You mean that little dinner party thing."
"Right!" Remus shrieked, grinning hysterically.
"Um, are you okay?"
"Gotta wake up Peter! Gotta wake up Peter!" Remus chanted feverishly, not seeming to have heard his friend as he headed for the fourth bed in the dorm.
"This can't be happening," Sirius muttered, pinching himself just to be sure. "Ow. DAMN."
"Peter!" Remus shouted, kneeling by the boy's neck. "GET UP!"
Peter's eyes flew open. "Huh?"
"The party starts in ten hours! You ready?"
"You get the hell away from me before I catch your disease! No one wants you to talk anymore!"
"You tell him, Wormtail," Sirius grunted from his bed. "And Moony, you LISTEN."
"Sirius, did you get the party hats?" Remus demanded, hopping over to his dresser.
"I got the party hats last WEEK, Moony. You were WITH me." Sirius glanced over at James's empty bed. "I see Prongs was the smart one and fled for the border."
"Nope, I woke him up," Remus contradicted. "I got you all. . . I. . . will. . . rule. . . the. . . world. . ."
"What is he ON?" Sirius mouthed to Peter, who covered his mouth to control a snicker.
"He's showering now," Remus continued, pulling on a pair of thick wool socks, "but soon. . . soon you and all of Gryffindor Tower will be arranging party favors! HAHAHAHAHA. . . oh, I am BRILLIANT. . . "
"And so exceedingly deranged," Peter commented dryly. "Moony, I'm thinking you need some serious psychiatric care."
"Amen," Sirius agreed. He looked over at Remus again, who was by now cackling so hard that his glasses had slipped down the bridge of his nose. "What is WRONG with you?"
"By the time we are done," Remus stated, again choosing to ignore Sirius's statement, "Severus will be so impressed with you that you could elope with him and then take him to Argentina to live in a tiny village where they worship cows after you pierce his nose and eyebrow and chain them to the piercings in your nose and eyebrow so that the two of you will never be apart. . . and he STILL wouldn't care because he'd be so damn impressed with your party!"
Somewhere, off in the distance, a cricket chirped.
Sirius stared.
Peter stared.
Finally, someone found a voice.
"They don't worship cows in Argentina," Peter countered slowly. "They worship cows in INDIA."
"WhatEVER! I don't CARE where they elope! All I care about is getting the party so right that neither one of them CARES that they're eloping!"
"Okay, Moony, you just lost all your talking privileges for the entire day," Sirius commented lightly, climbing out of bed. "Peter, come on."
"Where are we going?"
"I don't know, but I vote that we lock Moony in here."
"Agreed."
~~
And so it came to be that Peter and Sirius were down in the Great Hall, eating breakfast at five forty-five on a Saturday in their pajamas, accompanied by some of the earlier-rising teachers.
"I'd inquire," Dumbledore stated, "except for the little voice inside my head that chants 'You don't want to know, you don't want to know' every time one of you four comes into my line of vision. I-"
"I don't HAVE that voice," Professor McGonagall interrupted. "What in the WORLD are you two doing here?"
"We think Remus finally snapped, ma'am," Sirius answered truthfully. "We seek only refuge."
"Where's James?"
"There are two theories as to that," Peter answered. "We think he's either in the shower or somewhere in Finland."
"Nice," Dumbledore muttered. "Minerva, remind me again why these four have a separate dorm."
"Does this have ANYTHING to do with the party that Lupin's been blithering on about for a week now?" Professor McGonagall asked, understanding dawning in her eyes.
"Yes."
"And this has driven Mr. Potter to Finland?" Dumbledore inquired, with some interest. "I may have to attend this party."
Sirius put his head in his hands and prayed he was dreaming.
~~
"You," Remus directed, pointing to Sirius. "You go down to the Slytherin dorms and get Severus. And then we'll party!"
Sirius frowned. " 'You!' " he yelled, impersonating his friend. " 'You go down to the hell of your school and fetch out the Satan!' " He shook his head. "Moony, review what you just ordered me to do and then tell me if it still makes sense."
Remus shook his head in exasperation. "For one thing, all I'm asking you to do is go get him, not stay and camp out with them or anything. For another, MALFOY is the Satan of Hogwarts, not Severus. Severus is. . . is like. . . the Lucifer."
"Lucifer IS Satan!" Sirius protested, but he got cut off.
"Why are we arguing about this?" Remus roared. "You get down there and get Severus! Take your time, because we still need to set out all the food!" He stomped off to continue overseeing the preparations.
"I can't believe this is happening," Sirius grumbled, looking at James. "You wanna come?"
"Sure," James shrugged. "It's better than staying here with Mr. Totalitarian over there." He pointed at Remus, who was yelling at Peter because his deli platter wasn't quite symmetrical. "You know, I am quite afraid of him."
~~
"What is the PURPOSE of this party?" Severus demanded, exiting his Common Room with James and Sirius. "Uh, Black? Black? SIRIUS!" Sirius just stared ahead silently, eyes glazed.
"I think he's still getting over being felt up by Malfoy," James whispered.
"Lucius did not 'feel him up'!" Severus insisted. "He FELL INTO him."
"Sure," Sirius muttered shakily. "That was the most frightening experience of my life."
"I can't even tolerate you two for five minutes," Severus grumbled. "I don't know WHAT was going through my head when I agreed to come to this stupid thing. Besides, LUPIN'S throwing it. He's like the whitest of the white."
James raised an eyebrow as he stared at Severus's milky, colorless skin. "Um. . ."
"I meant INSIDE."
"Oh."
Suddenly Sirius laughed. "You don't think YOU'RE white inside, Sev?" he asked, coming out of his trance.
"Do YOU think I'm white inside?" Severus demanded.
"WHAT?"
"Let's stop having this conversation," James muttered, head in hands. "I don't LIKE this conversation."
"Agreed," Severus said sharply. "Thank you, Potter."
~~
"Are we ready?" Lupin asked, pacing in front of the row of Gryffindors like a drill sergeant. "Are we ready to give Mr. Snape the best party he's ever had in his entire life?"
A few lifeless calls came up from the row.
"I can't HEAR you!"
"YES!" Peter shouted.
"Anyone OTHER than Peter?"
Lily looked down the row, sighed when she found everyone staring at the werewolf, and called, "I am!"
"Me too," her best friend Charlotte called.
"And me," a little first year screamed. "Those cheese platters I set up KICK ASS!"
Remus rolled his eyes. "I'm going to repeat the question," he said slowly. "Answer together, please. Are we ready?"
This time a deafening roar came from the row of Gryffindors.
~~
"How many staircases do you CLIMB?" Severus demanded, puffing his way up the last staircase. "Where the hell IS this Common Room?"
"Right here," Sirius replied, pointing to the portrait of the Fat Lady.
"I am NOT climbing through that."
"Well then you're not coming to the party."
"Deal," Severus said quickly, turning around.
"You're climbing through!" James cried, grabbing Severus by an arm. "I don't care if I have to PUSH you! You are coming to the damn thing! I will NOT go through this much hell and NOT have you come to the party! DAMMIT! OOF! Good GOD are you heavy!" he added, having lifted the Slytherin up. "Get IN there!"
The Fat Lady just stared. "Password?" she asked Sirius, watching James try to push Severus through the solid-as-a-rock portrait.
"Cherry Ambience," Sirius replied, rolling his eyes.
"Go IN, you son of a- OW! WHAT THE HELL?!" James shouted as the portrait swung open and he tumbled in with the Slytherin. He looked up to see all the Gryffindors staring silently at them.
"And here we have," Lily Evans said, her voice cutting into the silence, "James Potter and Severus Snape tangled on the ground, panting. I can't be the only one here thinking what I'm thinking."
"THIS IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" both boys cried at once.
"He wouldn't fit," James explained. Lily's eyes widened.
"Not like that!" Severus amended hastily. "I couldn't get in!"
Lily looked over at Remus, back at the boys on the floor, up to Sirius, and covered her mouth to keep from laughing out loud.
"Sirius," Remus spoke up, "you're no longer allowed to go get guests. Severus, it's okay, James jumps a lot of unsuspecting guys."
James glared.
"Two minutes and I'm regretting this," Severus muttered, pulling himself across the floor and away from James.
"Well then have some cheese!" the first year who'd set up the cheese platter shouted.
Severus looked up at her, and Remus swore he smiled. "Thank you,'' he said, and stood up, dusted himself off, and headed for the food table.
~~
"I don't LIKE parties, Sirius," Severus said, sipping some pumpkin juice. The two boys were sitting in the corner, watching everyone else dance, sing, and generally have a better time than they were having.
"Why? I LOVE parties!"
"Haven't you learned by now that we're different?"
"Well of COURSE we're different! But don't you think that this is even just a LITTLE bit fun?"
"Sort of. . . but Sirius, I can't dance."
"You can't DANCE?" Sirius demanded, his mouth hanging open.
"Nope. And I'm PROUD, too."
"I think we might have to teach you."
"What? No, no, you misunderstand. What I meant by 'I can't dance' was that I not only CAN'T dance, but I DON'T dance and I never WILL."
"Bullshit. Everyone likes dancing."
"Not me!"
"Well you WILL."
~~
"I can't BELIEVE I'm doing this," Severus groaned, fifteen minutes later. "I can't BELIEVE you talked me into this."
"Would you rather be dancing with Jamie? Peter, perhaps?"
"No," Severus snarled back, "but I'd like it if you'd remove your hand from my waist."
"Snape. Severus. SEV. This is how people slow-dance! How do you expect to get a girl if you can't even slow-dance?"
"Uh. . ."
"See, watch. Lily!" Sirius screamed. The redhead looked up.
"What?" she replied, rather annoyed at the fact that she was right next to him and almost sure her eardrum had just shattered, and also at the fact that she was finally dancing with James, something she'd been waiting for all night.
"Would you go out with James if he didn't know how to slow dance?"
She scrutinized her dancing partner. "Hmm."
"I mean, he doesn't have any other redeeming qualities, does he?"
"None that I can think of off the top of my head. . ."
"I RESENT this conversation."
Lily waved a hand dismissively. "Shut up, Jamie, I'm looking for your redeeming qualities. Sirius, in answer to your question, no, I don't think I'd be going out with him if he couldn't slow dance."
James's mouth hung open.
"I'm kidding!"
He smiled.
"Maybe."
He frowned, and they danced away.
"See?" Sirius asked, looking back at Severus. "If you don't learn to slow dance, you'll never get a girl."
"I don't want a girl."
"What, you swing the other way?"
Severus said nothing, only flushed.
"Did you hear me? I asked you a question!"
"I heard you."
"Wha. . . oh. OH. OH!" But Sirius's hand stayed on Severus's waist.
~~
"What are your parents like?" Sirius asked. Four songs later and he was still dancing with Severus.
"My mom's a violinist. She graduated from Lazarus University with a degree in music and healing. She used to play with the London Philharmonic, but when I was born, she quit. When I was in my second year, she decided it was time to go back, so now she plays in an orchestra again. This time she plays with wizards, though, instead of Muggles. She says she can reach a wider audience this way."
"Cool," Sirius replied. "Sounds like you come from a classy family." He resisted the urge to inquire "What happened?" and instead asked, "What about your dad?"
"He cans tuna in South Africa."
"Oh." Okay, THAT'S what happened.
"What about your parents?"
Sirius made a face. "My father died when I was young. I hate my mother, so I spend all the time I can at Moony's."
"Who the HELL is Moony?"
"Oh. . . that's Remus," Sirius answered.
"WHY do you call him Moony?"
"Oh, he's a. . ." Sirius paled as he realized that he wasn't allowed to discuss what he was just going to tell Severus. "He. . . he moons people."
"Lupin?!"
"Yeah. . ."
"Wow. . . I never would have pegged him as a. . ."
"It's always the quiet ones," Sirius agreed, shaking his head.
"Wow."
~~
"Well, it's two o'clock," Sirius commented. He and Severus were sitting on a couch in front of the fireplace of the Common Room. Most of the party guests had disappeared, leaving only Sirius, Severus, and Remus, who was reading in an armchair in the opposite corner.
"Yeah," Severus agreed, checking his own watch. "It's late. . . I should be going."
"Okay," Sirius said, not moving a muscle.
"I had fun tonight."
"Really?"
"Well, in a relative manner of speaking, yes. I had more fun than I thought."
"You learned to dance," Sirius added softly.
"I did."
Sirius picked up a stray piece of blue crepe paper. "Look, confetti."
"It's everywhere."
Suddenly Sirius was hit with an uncontrollable urge to throw a handful at the other boy.
"What was that for?"
"Nothing. . . I just wanted to see what you looked like with confetti in your hair."
"Why?"
"I don't know. You look good, though."
"I look GOOD with various bits of colored paper in my hair?" Severus repeated in disbelief.
"You look almost. . . cute."
"Cute."
"That's what I said."
Severus checked his watch again, almost reluctantly. "Sirius, I've got to leave."
"I know. Want me to walk you out?"
"Why?"
"I want to."
"Why?"
"I don't know. I just do."
"All right."
The two boys got up and headed to the Portrait. "Need help climbing through?" Sirius teased.
"Not funny." Severus hopped through effortlessly, landing soundly on the other side. Sirius followed.
"I know. I'm sorry."
Severus shrugged. "Tomorrow's Sunday," he said. "Well, technically today. . . whatever, I guess. . ."
"Okay, I know you're tutoring me, which makes you smarter than me, but I KNOW the days of the week, thank you very much."
Severus grinned. "No. . . what I was going to say is that we normally meet in the library on Sundays. . ."
"I know."
"Are you still coming?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
"I don't know," replied the other boy. "I guess. . . I don't know. I'll see you then."
"Tell me."
"Tell you what?"
"Why wouldn't I meet you?"
"No reason."
"Goddamn it, tell me!"
"I just figured. . . nothing."
Sirius grinned. "Are you really going to make me strangle you?"
"You wouldn't. For one thing you COULDN'T, and for another, you don't have the nerve."
"You don't know that. Now tell me! Why wouldn't I meet you?"
"Are you incapable of dropping an issue?"
"Call me curious."
"Well, if you must know, I thought that perhaps after the "which way does Severus swing?" conversation, you wouldn't really want to be alone with me anymore."
"No, I'm fine with that."
"Really?"
"If I wasn't fine, do you think I would have kept my hand on your waist? We were DANCING, remember?"
"I dunno." Severus shrugged. "I figured maybe you thought it'd be awkward if you ruined the dance, or maybe you forgot about the hand, or. . ." He trailed off and looked at Sirius helplessly. "I didn't think it meant you didn't hate me."
Sirius returned his gaze, looked down at his own hand, and, very slowly, brought it up to sit on Severus's waist.
"I don't hate you, Sev."
End of Chapter 5
Nic15: Oh my GOD. . . I LOVE you.
Chapter 5- In Which Remus Goes Mad Attempting A Party.
"So you seriously want to throw a party?" James repeated, skeptically.
"Yeah!" Remus exclaimed enthusiastically.
"Uh, forgive me for being so. . . pedestrian. . . but I don't understand exactly what this will solve."
"It will get Severus better acquainted with all the Gryffindors!"
James raised an eyebrow. "Um, WHY?"
Remus stood up, looking down at James, who was still in the bathtub. "To make him feel WELCOME, of course!"
James looked just as confused as before. "But WHY?"
Remus threw his hands up in despair. "You know NOTHING! You have NO social graces! I am SICK of talking to you!" He threw open the bathroom door.
"Where are you going?" James called.
"I'm going to go find Evans. She'll understand and she'll help me plan!"
"Well I say the hell with you. . . WAIT! Lily?! You SON OF A BITCH! Let me come!"
~~
"It'll be GREAT!" Sirius was exclaiming in the library later that week. "Remus is organizing it! You're the guest of honor!"
"Are you serious?"
"Always have been!"
Severus shook his head. "You're so lame."
"Shut up! You have to come!"
"Um, why?"
"Guest of honor!"
Severus folded his arms. "I'm not going."
"WHY?"
"I don't do dinner parties."
"WHY?"
"I'm SNAPE. I don't do parties."
"WHY?"
"Is your vocabulary always this monosyllabic?"
"Yes! No! Come to the goddamned party!"
"No."
"Yes!"
"WHAT is going on over here?" Madam Pince demanded, striding over, looking ready to issue detentions.
"Uh, nothing," Sirius replied quickly.
She glared. "Keep it that way."
Severus watched her until she was out of earshot and then hissed, "I'm not going."
"Yes you are!"
"No I'm not."
"Why?"
"I'm Snape. I belong in Slytherin. Sulking."
"Yeah, but SEVERUS belongs in the Gryffindor Common Room next Saturday, engaging in dinner parties."
"Black, shut up!"
"No! I will DRAG you to this party!"
Severus sighed. "Okay, okay, I give up and I'll come."
"YES!"
~~
Sirius climbed through the portrait hole later that day, and before he was able to stand and take in the Common Room, he was assaulted by a dark blur that seemed to have the hyperactivity of a two-year-old on coke. "Did you get Severus to come to the party?!" the blur shrieked.
"Moony, is that you?" he croaked.
"YES! DID HE SAY YES?!"
"Moony, I can't breathe. . . you're sitting on my neck. . ."
"Tell me if he said yes, goddammit, or I swear to God, I'll start JUMPING!"
"Yes! He said yes! Oh my GOD, get off me!"
Remus jumped off, looking slightly sheepish. "Sorry. I get a little. . . passionate about these things."
"Good God, Remus. I guess."
"Okay, everything is almost ready," Remus remarked, ticking off items on his fingers. "I've arranged for the house elves to cater, I've gotten a decorating committee for the Common Room together, I've hired a band, I've- "
"Remus. My God. The damn thing isn't for another week."
"This will NOT be a failure! I have PLANNED and PLANNED, and there is no longer any possible way this can go wrong, unless YOU SCREW IT UP! Is this clear, Sirius Black?"
"Um, yes. . . please, don't hurt me. . ."
"You can bet I'll hurt you if you mess this up!"
"Moony. Calm down and breathe. It is just a party. Repeat after me. It."
"It."
"Is just."
"Is not just."
"A party."
"A party."
"It is just a party."
"It is not just a party! Imagine all the things that could go wrong!"
"Like what."
"Uh. . . all the things that normally go wrong during parties, of course."
"Moony, what the hell. What are you planning on doing at this par-tay, anyway?"
"Well, first I'm serving drinks, and then we'll all dance, and then we'll sit down and eat, and then we'll play pin the tail on the donkey."
"What the hell?"
"I was kidding about the last part."
"Oh. Okay. Good."
"Christ, Siri." Remus laughed, then exhaled heavily. "So don't mess this up."
Sirius saluted. "I won't, Moony. You can count on me."
~~
"It's Saturday! Wake up!" Remus jumped onto James's bed. "Wake up!"
James rolled over and put his watch hand over his face, both to tell the time and to shield himself from the oddly demanding being on his bed. "Moony. The party doesn't start for ten hours. GO BACK TO BED."
"WAKE UP!" Remus cried, and pulled James by his feet out of bed.
"Aaah!"
"We must make this perfect for Severus!"
"Uh, generally I function better when I'm awake."
"Go take a shower! I'm waking up Sirius!"
In spite of his fatigue, James sat up and laughed. "Ha! Good luck! You'll need it!" He crawled over to the bathroom, announced, "And if anyone thinks they're pulling me from this shower before a full hours is up, they're out of their bloody mind," and shut the door.
"Sirius!" Remus shouted, not one to go back on his word.
"Mmph! Leemeealone! Wasn't me!"
"Get out of your dreamworld! It's time to PARTY!"
"YEAH!" Sirius shot straight up, then looked around and sighed. "Oh wait. Damn. You mean that little dinner party thing."
"Right!" Remus shrieked, grinning hysterically.
"Um, are you okay?"
"Gotta wake up Peter! Gotta wake up Peter!" Remus chanted feverishly, not seeming to have heard his friend as he headed for the fourth bed in the dorm.
"This can't be happening," Sirius muttered, pinching himself just to be sure. "Ow. DAMN."
"Peter!" Remus shouted, kneeling by the boy's neck. "GET UP!"
Peter's eyes flew open. "Huh?"
"The party starts in ten hours! You ready?"
"You get the hell away from me before I catch your disease! No one wants you to talk anymore!"
"You tell him, Wormtail," Sirius grunted from his bed. "And Moony, you LISTEN."
"Sirius, did you get the party hats?" Remus demanded, hopping over to his dresser.
"I got the party hats last WEEK, Moony. You were WITH me." Sirius glanced over at James's empty bed. "I see Prongs was the smart one and fled for the border."
"Nope, I woke him up," Remus contradicted. "I got you all. . . I. . . will. . . rule. . . the. . . world. . ."
"What is he ON?" Sirius mouthed to Peter, who covered his mouth to control a snicker.
"He's showering now," Remus continued, pulling on a pair of thick wool socks, "but soon. . . soon you and all of Gryffindor Tower will be arranging party favors! HAHAHAHAHA. . . oh, I am BRILLIANT. . . "
"And so exceedingly deranged," Peter commented dryly. "Moony, I'm thinking you need some serious psychiatric care."
"Amen," Sirius agreed. He looked over at Remus again, who was by now cackling so hard that his glasses had slipped down the bridge of his nose. "What is WRONG with you?"
"By the time we are done," Remus stated, again choosing to ignore Sirius's statement, "Severus will be so impressed with you that you could elope with him and then take him to Argentina to live in a tiny village where they worship cows after you pierce his nose and eyebrow and chain them to the piercings in your nose and eyebrow so that the two of you will never be apart. . . and he STILL wouldn't care because he'd be so damn impressed with your party!"
Somewhere, off in the distance, a cricket chirped.
Sirius stared.
Peter stared.
Finally, someone found a voice.
"They don't worship cows in Argentina," Peter countered slowly. "They worship cows in INDIA."
"WhatEVER! I don't CARE where they elope! All I care about is getting the party so right that neither one of them CARES that they're eloping!"
"Okay, Moony, you just lost all your talking privileges for the entire day," Sirius commented lightly, climbing out of bed. "Peter, come on."
"Where are we going?"
"I don't know, but I vote that we lock Moony in here."
"Agreed."
~~
And so it came to be that Peter and Sirius were down in the Great Hall, eating breakfast at five forty-five on a Saturday in their pajamas, accompanied by some of the earlier-rising teachers.
"I'd inquire," Dumbledore stated, "except for the little voice inside my head that chants 'You don't want to know, you don't want to know' every time one of you four comes into my line of vision. I-"
"I don't HAVE that voice," Professor McGonagall interrupted. "What in the WORLD are you two doing here?"
"We think Remus finally snapped, ma'am," Sirius answered truthfully. "We seek only refuge."
"Where's James?"
"There are two theories as to that," Peter answered. "We think he's either in the shower or somewhere in Finland."
"Nice," Dumbledore muttered. "Minerva, remind me again why these four have a separate dorm."
"Does this have ANYTHING to do with the party that Lupin's been blithering on about for a week now?" Professor McGonagall asked, understanding dawning in her eyes.
"Yes."
"And this has driven Mr. Potter to Finland?" Dumbledore inquired, with some interest. "I may have to attend this party."
Sirius put his head in his hands and prayed he was dreaming.
~~
"You," Remus directed, pointing to Sirius. "You go down to the Slytherin dorms and get Severus. And then we'll party!"
Sirius frowned. " 'You!' " he yelled, impersonating his friend. " 'You go down to the hell of your school and fetch out the Satan!' " He shook his head. "Moony, review what you just ordered me to do and then tell me if it still makes sense."
Remus shook his head in exasperation. "For one thing, all I'm asking you to do is go get him, not stay and camp out with them or anything. For another, MALFOY is the Satan of Hogwarts, not Severus. Severus is. . . is like. . . the Lucifer."
"Lucifer IS Satan!" Sirius protested, but he got cut off.
"Why are we arguing about this?" Remus roared. "You get down there and get Severus! Take your time, because we still need to set out all the food!" He stomped off to continue overseeing the preparations.
"I can't believe this is happening," Sirius grumbled, looking at James. "You wanna come?"
"Sure," James shrugged. "It's better than staying here with Mr. Totalitarian over there." He pointed at Remus, who was yelling at Peter because his deli platter wasn't quite symmetrical. "You know, I am quite afraid of him."
~~
"What is the PURPOSE of this party?" Severus demanded, exiting his Common Room with James and Sirius. "Uh, Black? Black? SIRIUS!" Sirius just stared ahead silently, eyes glazed.
"I think he's still getting over being felt up by Malfoy," James whispered.
"Lucius did not 'feel him up'!" Severus insisted. "He FELL INTO him."
"Sure," Sirius muttered shakily. "That was the most frightening experience of my life."
"I can't even tolerate you two for five minutes," Severus grumbled. "I don't know WHAT was going through my head when I agreed to come to this stupid thing. Besides, LUPIN'S throwing it. He's like the whitest of the white."
James raised an eyebrow as he stared at Severus's milky, colorless skin. "Um. . ."
"I meant INSIDE."
"Oh."
Suddenly Sirius laughed. "You don't think YOU'RE white inside, Sev?" he asked, coming out of his trance.
"Do YOU think I'm white inside?" Severus demanded.
"WHAT?"
"Let's stop having this conversation," James muttered, head in hands. "I don't LIKE this conversation."
"Agreed," Severus said sharply. "Thank you, Potter."
~~
"Are we ready?" Lupin asked, pacing in front of the row of Gryffindors like a drill sergeant. "Are we ready to give Mr. Snape the best party he's ever had in his entire life?"
A few lifeless calls came up from the row.
"I can't HEAR you!"
"YES!" Peter shouted.
"Anyone OTHER than Peter?"
Lily looked down the row, sighed when she found everyone staring at the werewolf, and called, "I am!"
"Me too," her best friend Charlotte called.
"And me," a little first year screamed. "Those cheese platters I set up KICK ASS!"
Remus rolled his eyes. "I'm going to repeat the question," he said slowly. "Answer together, please. Are we ready?"
This time a deafening roar came from the row of Gryffindors.
~~
"How many staircases do you CLIMB?" Severus demanded, puffing his way up the last staircase. "Where the hell IS this Common Room?"
"Right here," Sirius replied, pointing to the portrait of the Fat Lady.
"I am NOT climbing through that."
"Well then you're not coming to the party."
"Deal," Severus said quickly, turning around.
"You're climbing through!" James cried, grabbing Severus by an arm. "I don't care if I have to PUSH you! You are coming to the damn thing! I will NOT go through this much hell and NOT have you come to the party! DAMMIT! OOF! Good GOD are you heavy!" he added, having lifted the Slytherin up. "Get IN there!"
The Fat Lady just stared. "Password?" she asked Sirius, watching James try to push Severus through the solid-as-a-rock portrait.
"Cherry Ambience," Sirius replied, rolling his eyes.
"Go IN, you son of a- OW! WHAT THE HELL?!" James shouted as the portrait swung open and he tumbled in with the Slytherin. He looked up to see all the Gryffindors staring silently at them.
"And here we have," Lily Evans said, her voice cutting into the silence, "James Potter and Severus Snape tangled on the ground, panting. I can't be the only one here thinking what I'm thinking."
"THIS IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" both boys cried at once.
"He wouldn't fit," James explained. Lily's eyes widened.
"Not like that!" Severus amended hastily. "I couldn't get in!"
Lily looked over at Remus, back at the boys on the floor, up to Sirius, and covered her mouth to keep from laughing out loud.
"Sirius," Remus spoke up, "you're no longer allowed to go get guests. Severus, it's okay, James jumps a lot of unsuspecting guys."
James glared.
"Two minutes and I'm regretting this," Severus muttered, pulling himself across the floor and away from James.
"Well then have some cheese!" the first year who'd set up the cheese platter shouted.
Severus looked up at her, and Remus swore he smiled. "Thank you,'' he said, and stood up, dusted himself off, and headed for the food table.
~~
"I don't LIKE parties, Sirius," Severus said, sipping some pumpkin juice. The two boys were sitting in the corner, watching everyone else dance, sing, and generally have a better time than they were having.
"Why? I LOVE parties!"
"Haven't you learned by now that we're different?"
"Well of COURSE we're different! But don't you think that this is even just a LITTLE bit fun?"
"Sort of. . . but Sirius, I can't dance."
"You can't DANCE?" Sirius demanded, his mouth hanging open.
"Nope. And I'm PROUD, too."
"I think we might have to teach you."
"What? No, no, you misunderstand. What I meant by 'I can't dance' was that I not only CAN'T dance, but I DON'T dance and I never WILL."
"Bullshit. Everyone likes dancing."
"Not me!"
"Well you WILL."
~~
"I can't BELIEVE I'm doing this," Severus groaned, fifteen minutes later. "I can't BELIEVE you talked me into this."
"Would you rather be dancing with Jamie? Peter, perhaps?"
"No," Severus snarled back, "but I'd like it if you'd remove your hand from my waist."
"Snape. Severus. SEV. This is how people slow-dance! How do you expect to get a girl if you can't even slow-dance?"
"Uh. . ."
"See, watch. Lily!" Sirius screamed. The redhead looked up.
"What?" she replied, rather annoyed at the fact that she was right next to him and almost sure her eardrum had just shattered, and also at the fact that she was finally dancing with James, something she'd been waiting for all night.
"Would you go out with James if he didn't know how to slow dance?"
She scrutinized her dancing partner. "Hmm."
"I mean, he doesn't have any other redeeming qualities, does he?"
"None that I can think of off the top of my head. . ."
"I RESENT this conversation."
Lily waved a hand dismissively. "Shut up, Jamie, I'm looking for your redeeming qualities. Sirius, in answer to your question, no, I don't think I'd be going out with him if he couldn't slow dance."
James's mouth hung open.
"I'm kidding!"
He smiled.
"Maybe."
He frowned, and they danced away.
"See?" Sirius asked, looking back at Severus. "If you don't learn to slow dance, you'll never get a girl."
"I don't want a girl."
"What, you swing the other way?"
Severus said nothing, only flushed.
"Did you hear me? I asked you a question!"
"I heard you."
"Wha. . . oh. OH. OH!" But Sirius's hand stayed on Severus's waist.
~~
"What are your parents like?" Sirius asked. Four songs later and he was still dancing with Severus.
"My mom's a violinist. She graduated from Lazarus University with a degree in music and healing. She used to play with the London Philharmonic, but when I was born, she quit. When I was in my second year, she decided it was time to go back, so now she plays in an orchestra again. This time she plays with wizards, though, instead of Muggles. She says she can reach a wider audience this way."
"Cool," Sirius replied. "Sounds like you come from a classy family." He resisted the urge to inquire "What happened?" and instead asked, "What about your dad?"
"He cans tuna in South Africa."
"Oh." Okay, THAT'S what happened.
"What about your parents?"
Sirius made a face. "My father died when I was young. I hate my mother, so I spend all the time I can at Moony's."
"Who the HELL is Moony?"
"Oh. . . that's Remus," Sirius answered.
"WHY do you call him Moony?"
"Oh, he's a. . ." Sirius paled as he realized that he wasn't allowed to discuss what he was just going to tell Severus. "He. . . he moons people."
"Lupin?!"
"Yeah. . ."
"Wow. . . I never would have pegged him as a. . ."
"It's always the quiet ones," Sirius agreed, shaking his head.
"Wow."
~~
"Well, it's two o'clock," Sirius commented. He and Severus were sitting on a couch in front of the fireplace of the Common Room. Most of the party guests had disappeared, leaving only Sirius, Severus, and Remus, who was reading in an armchair in the opposite corner.
"Yeah," Severus agreed, checking his own watch. "It's late. . . I should be going."
"Okay," Sirius said, not moving a muscle.
"I had fun tonight."
"Really?"
"Well, in a relative manner of speaking, yes. I had more fun than I thought."
"You learned to dance," Sirius added softly.
"I did."
Sirius picked up a stray piece of blue crepe paper. "Look, confetti."
"It's everywhere."
Suddenly Sirius was hit with an uncontrollable urge to throw a handful at the other boy.
"What was that for?"
"Nothing. . . I just wanted to see what you looked like with confetti in your hair."
"Why?"
"I don't know. You look good, though."
"I look GOOD with various bits of colored paper in my hair?" Severus repeated in disbelief.
"You look almost. . . cute."
"Cute."
"That's what I said."
Severus checked his watch again, almost reluctantly. "Sirius, I've got to leave."
"I know. Want me to walk you out?"
"Why?"
"I want to."
"Why?"
"I don't know. I just do."
"All right."
The two boys got up and headed to the Portrait. "Need help climbing through?" Sirius teased.
"Not funny." Severus hopped through effortlessly, landing soundly on the other side. Sirius followed.
"I know. I'm sorry."
Severus shrugged. "Tomorrow's Sunday," he said. "Well, technically today. . . whatever, I guess. . ."
"Okay, I know you're tutoring me, which makes you smarter than me, but I KNOW the days of the week, thank you very much."
Severus grinned. "No. . . what I was going to say is that we normally meet in the library on Sundays. . ."
"I know."
"Are you still coming?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
"I don't know," replied the other boy. "I guess. . . I don't know. I'll see you then."
"Tell me."
"Tell you what?"
"Why wouldn't I meet you?"
"No reason."
"Goddamn it, tell me!"
"I just figured. . . nothing."
Sirius grinned. "Are you really going to make me strangle you?"
"You wouldn't. For one thing you COULDN'T, and for another, you don't have the nerve."
"You don't know that. Now tell me! Why wouldn't I meet you?"
"Are you incapable of dropping an issue?"
"Call me curious."
"Well, if you must know, I thought that perhaps after the "which way does Severus swing?" conversation, you wouldn't really want to be alone with me anymore."
"No, I'm fine with that."
"Really?"
"If I wasn't fine, do you think I would have kept my hand on your waist? We were DANCING, remember?"
"I dunno." Severus shrugged. "I figured maybe you thought it'd be awkward if you ruined the dance, or maybe you forgot about the hand, or. . ." He trailed off and looked at Sirius helplessly. "I didn't think it meant you didn't hate me."
Sirius returned his gaze, looked down at his own hand, and, very slowly, brought it up to sit on Severus's waist.
"I don't hate you, Sev."
End of Chapter 5