Chapter 13: It's All Coming Back To Me

Rui or Tsukasa.. Rui or Tsukasa... The dilemma goes on and on..

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Ouside.. it started to rain. Makino and Rui was walking hand in hand. Makino had insisted on walking Rui home. They did not talk much. They just walk silently as if a word would break this trange spell that brought them together.

But in their hearts, both were preoccupied with their thoughts. Rui stole a glance towards Makino. His left hand holding the umbrella with the other firmly intertwined with Makino's.

Did she really want to be with me? Can I make her happy?

Visions of Makino crying in his arms.

I am always the one wiping her tears. Always saving her.

Visions of Makino alone in NY. Scenes when he saved her from Doumyouji's thugs.

I was the one who understood her best. But does all this makes me the best person to be with her.

Makino can feel Rui's eyes on her.

Is he having second thoughts?

Visions of Rui playing the violin. Coming into the room like a regal prince

I always thought that he was someone out of reach. Forbidden. Untouchable. Not for someone ordinary like me.

Flashes of Rui comforting her. His hand upon hers under the blanket (the night at Shigeru's villa).

He always there for me. Making me happy. With him, she was peaceful.

Some of the rain dripped upon her cheek. Startled by the cold rain, she was jolted by a torrent of images it evoked. Makino stopped in her tracks. Rui halted and inquired what was wrong. Makino trembled. Her head pounded but she insisted that she was all right. Closing her eyes, she tried to stop that blinding flashes. But she couldn't.

The images. It was blurred. Sad, painful ache it was causing to her. Words. Fragmented. Disconnected. She could not make it out. Go away... Makino looked up to Rui, his arms holding her tightly. Always worried about me. " I am OK."

In front of his house, Rui hesitated to let Makino walked home and wanted to let someone drive her back.

" The rain. It's getting worse. You might catch a cold again."
" No, I am fine. Thank you for your concerns but I can go home by myself."
" But, if anything happens to you, I could not forgive myself." Makino grinned.
" I am after all a weed. No rain can flush me out."

On her way back, the rain got heavier. And the ache inside Makino's heart intensified. The same sentence kept ringing in her ears.

" We should not see each other any longer. I had never loved you."

Over and over again. Her head starts to spin. Makino stopped under a bus stand. Kneeling down, both her hands grasping her head. She felt as if it was going to explode.

Am I getting a fever again? Stop.. Stop this..

Visions of the faceless man. Tears. The man was telling her that she was lying. That she loved him, always loved him.

Was it a lie? Is this a memory? No, I don't want to remember.

But the visions persisted. Flashes of light. Thunder.. It was raining heavily like it was now. The images grew clearer bit by bit. Doumyouji. It was indeed him. Both of us standing in the rain facing each other. That was me telling him that I never loved him. I was walking away. Was I crying? Why was I crying? Isn't that the truth? That I never loved him.

Or was I crying because I loved him.

When she reached home, she was surprised to see her parents inside. Mama and Papa explained that Papa just got a job in Tokyo again so they had come to stay for a while.
"That is, if you do not mind.."
" Of course, it's ok. You are my Papa and Mama after all. But, the apartment is really small. Perhaps we can get more space by throwing out that cabinet. Let me gather out my things."

After hauling the old cabinet out, all her stuff was in a mess. Her parents already asleep when Makino started to put it inside a carboard box. Then, she found it.

The Saturn necklace. I should return it to Doumyouji.

Letting her finger slipped down the length of the necklace, Makino could not stop herself from putting it on. It felt so right. Doumyouji's voice rang through her ears, " What was wrong giving something this precious to the person I love?"

A tear slid down Makino's cheek. Touching it, she closes her eyes. In her mind, she was replaying that night. Her anxiety as she wait for midnight. Her surprise afterwards. The moment Doumyouji put the necklace on her. And the kiss they shared then. Her finger traced the outline of her lips. Suddenly, she put away her hands. Shaking her head, she hurriedly took off the necklace.

No, this can't be happening. Not after what I promised Rui. I can't. I should not be thinking of Doumyouji.

Who was it that she really loved? Which one out of all her memories was the truth? How could she know? Could someone.. anyone help her?

* * * * * *

Doumyouji was standing outside a ramen shop waiting for Makino. The day before that, he slipped her a note asking her to com. He does not know whether she'd come. But when he finally saw her making her way towards him, he relaxed. When Makino arrived, she did not seem angry at him. In fact, she was unusually cheerful.

" It's been ages since the last time I ate ramen. BTW, it's good you brought me here and not those expensive restaurants. I thought you rich kids don't come at this kind of shops."
" I figure out you would not agree if I brought you there."
" Really? Why is that?"
" Because the last time I brought you to those kind of restaurants, we end up either stranded or arguing so much that we never get a good time at all." Makino's face darkened.
" So, I guessed we use to go out a lot." Makino looked up to him only to have Doumyouji staring back at her. She shifted uncomfortably. Initially, she tried to act as if she was not affected by Doumyouji's presence but the truth was, she was scared. Why did he want to see her? What for? To coax her to come back to him?

Thankfully, their meals arrive. Makino grabbed her chopsticks and started to stuff her face hungrily. Then she stopped after noticing that Doumyouji did not even touch his meal.

" Aren't you going to eat that."
" I am not hungry."
" Then, why did you want to come here?"

He did not reply. He just watched her eating. He always have liked watching her eating. There was nothing proper about it. Makino always it with gusto not the way other high-society girls. To those girls, eating is a performance with proper etiquettes and manner. They don't know how to eat with passion, relishing every bite as if it was the last. Makino.. always different. And that never bother her.

Her indifference to the world around them. Her guts. One of the things that made her the Makino Tsukushi he loved.

Makino was biting a huge chunk of beef when Doumyouji suddenly blurted out a question, "Makino, will you marry me?"

Makino paused for a split second before she dismissed the question. Taking another bite of her tofu with her mouth already full of ramen, she huffed, " If you are not going to eat that now, it's going to be cold. Cold ramen is not good for your health you know. My mom told me once that cold ramen is the cause of many diseases but then we poor people could not be picky with food like you rich brats. Speaking of cold ramen, there was a time.."

Makino went on and on (ended up finishing both meals) not letting Doumyouji to get a word in. Even after she finished eating, she rambled on and on. As they walked out, she gushed about her full stomach and that she needed to pile on more weight. She was so preoccupied with her thoughts that she did not notice that she was going too fast leaving Doumyouji strolling behind.

" Makino.."
" Doumyouji, hurry up and look at that.." Makino inched away, painfull aware that she was voluntarily avoiding his gaze.
" Makino, would you listen to me? I am asking you a question."
" What? I cannot hear you."
" Makino.. " he started to raise his voice. With her fingers in both her ears, Makino started to hum loudly to herself. Closing her eyes, she just walked forward, shouting back.." Sorry.. can't hear you.. so noisy.." Exasperated by her obvious avoidance maneuver, Doumyouji dashed towards her and yanked her towards him. Grabbing her hands, he pushed it down to her sides and shouted really loud into her ears. " Look at me!!!"
Thoroughly flabbergasted, her eyes were opened so wide it looked as if it was going to pop out. Doumyouji's face was so serious, it was scary. " Doumyouji, you're hurting me."

" If I did not do that, you would not answer me."
"Answer what."
" You know what it is so stop avoiding the issue." Makino looked away. She looked as if she was about to cry. " Doumyouji, please understand that I am with Rui."

Doumyouji's face soften. Doumyouji threw his arms around her. Hugging her tightly, he whispered, " I love you and I want to marry you. Would you stop and think about it?" Makino struggled against him.
" Doumyouji, are you drunk. I.."
" I am not mad. I am not crazy. I am not drunk. I have been thinking and.. I realised that I wanted to marry you."

A strange feeling trickled inside Makino right down her toes. Her heart beat quicken. For a second, a strange sense of bliss come over her. Why am I reacting like this?

" Doumyouji. We are only kids. Why you are talking about marriage? And furthermore, I am Rui's girl.We can't ..." Their eyes met. " I can't marry you.."

There was silence. Makino tore her gaze away. She was about to say something when Doumyouji started to laugh.. no... it was more like a guffaw. He let go of Makino and he was laughing so hardm his stomach hurts. Makino was confused by his sudden change in mood. She stepped back. Has he gone mad?

" Doumyouji, are you all right? Do you need help?"
Doumyouji shook his head, " You fell for it! Bwaahahaha." Makino stared at him in disbelief. Then, it dawned on her.
" You stupid dumb ass. How dare you did that? I thought you was saying it for real. You cruel, mean dumb ass." She started to hit him repeatedly. Relieved, she also started to laugh along.

" It was a good joke. Ain't it? You and me..." said Doumyouji.
" Yeah.. it was.. I was totally caught unaware. Don't you ever do that again."
" Don't worry. The next time I ask you to marry me would be for real."

Huh?

Doumyouji winked, " I was just kidding." Makino sighed in relief. She hit him harder. " Thank god we are friends or I would have really kicked you in the groin just for a lesson."
" So, does that mean we are friends." she nodded.
" The best of friends. I promise."

Doumyouji grinned.

I've lost her. I really did lost her.

Struggling to control his feelings, Doumyouji retorted," I hope you and Rui... will be very happy together. I promise I won't bother you anymore after this." Her face darkened.
" What do you mean?"
" I am going away."

Her heart felt like it just stopped.

" Why? Is it because of me?"
" No.. my father collapsed. I .. am going to take over his place."

A searing pain washed over her as if someone just yanked out her heart and tore it to pieces.

" Did.. the others know?"
" I wanted you to know first. well, I guess that's done. I have to go. Got other matters. Bye.."

Doumyouji hurriedly walked away.

" Matte..." she shouted. He stopped.
" I'll see you tomorrow at school then." He shook his head. " I won't be coming to school any longer. My flight is on the graduation day so most probably I won't be graduating with others either. Goodbye, Makino."

Makino watched him went further and further away. Flashes of that rainy night. Inside, she was shouting his name yearning for him to turn back. Come back, you dumb ass.

I don't know why I wished he did not go away. Yes, marrying him is the last thing I'd do. But at that moment, watching his broad back vanishing away, I felt like something inside me just snapped and disappeared leaving a gaping hole behind.

And no matter what I do, this hole cannot be filled.

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