Chapter 7
"Oh, Siri, man, you missed a wicked. . . oh. . . oh my. . . how. . . whaa. . ." Finally Remus settled for a simple "What the hell did you DO?"
After receiving a detention for his tenth absence during Divination, Remus had announced that he would be up in the North Tower for two hours, scrubbing floors and crystal balls. James and Peter had then announced that they were going to Hogsmeade and would be back in an hour, but because of trouble he'd gotten into on his LAST visit to Hogsmeade, Sirius was no longer allowed in the village. So he'd stayed in the dormitories.
"You were alone for an hour! MAX!" Remus screeched, circling Sirius, who was looking torn between being highly amused and being highly mortified. "Are you AWARE that you have to go out with that Barnes girl from Ravenclaw in like," he checked his watch, "eighteen minutes?"
"I owled her and cancelled," Sirius explained, flustered. "We rescheduled for later on in the week."
"Have James and Peter seen this?" Remus demanded. "My God, has anyone? I don't . . . I've never seen. . . good God. Whaa. . . why. . . WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"
Sirius pointed at his bright pink hair, exasperated. "You think I did this on PURPOSE?"
"The thought crossed my mind, yes!"
"Look, if I'd done this on purpose, I would have picked a MANLY color, like red or something. As it is, my hair is PINK, and I have spent the last forty-five minutes trying to wash it out!"
"WHY? What were you trying to DO?"
"I was TRYING an anti-dandruff spell!"
"How could you POSSIBLY get THAT out of an anti-dandruff spell?"
"Moony, you aren't helping AT ALL."
"I don't see how I CAN help, man. Your hair is PINK. What am I going to do?"
Sirius threw his hands up. "I don't know. . . aren't you supposed to be SMART?"
"Sirius, your grades are just as good as mine."
"Not in potions!"
"What, you want me to whip up an I'm-An-Idiot-So-I-Dyed-My-Hair-Pink- Help-Me-Get-It-Out potion? I don't think so."
"Well. . . go down to like Pomfrey or someone and get me a charm so that I don't have PINK FUCKING HAIR!"
Remus covered his mouth with one hand.
"And DON'T YOU LAUGH AT ME, YOU DIRTY LITTLE STREET PROSTITUTE!"
"I'm GOING!" Remus replied, and left the room, but not before giggling into his hand again.
"I SAW that!"
~~
"Any luck?" Sirius asked, poking his head around the door from the bathroom when he heard Remus's footsteps in the bedroom.
"Yup. You're lucky."
"Thank GOD."
"If James had seen you, you never would have heard the end of it."
"What do I do?" Sirius asked skeptically, analyzing the ominous- looking jar of bright green goop. "This is like what you find when you clean under my bed. I am very unwilling to put anything like this on any of my body parts."
"Well, Flitwick gave me a note. . . hang on. . ." Remus fished a piece of crumpled parchment with smeared handwritten instructions from his pocket. "Um. . . okay, you're supposed to coat every single individual strand of hair with this. . . this goop. . . and then leave it in for half an hour and then rinse. With. . . oh. With cold water."
"EVERY SINGLE STRAND??"
"That part's underlined."
"Oh, MAN."
~~
"Sirius, you want help?"
"NO."
"Look, I-"
"I don't need your help."
"Sirius, LOOK at you. You are COVERED in goop and there is VERY little on your hair."
It was true. In an effort to cover "every strand", Sirius had decided to get his hands dirty, pardon the expression, and comb through his hair with goop-covered fingers. He kept scratching his face, though, and so it ended up all over him, and then he'd try to wipe it on his pants, which would make the mess worse. Sirius threw his hands up and sighed. "Moony, please help?"
Remus put down his book ("Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and You") and went over to his friend. "How do you get yourself into these things?"
"I just wanted to rid the world of my dandruff. . . I thought it was an honorable intention. . ."
"Come over here. Sit down." Remus led Sirius over to the bed and they sat down together. "Give me that carton of gunk."
"Thank you," Sirius murmured, handing the jar over.
"No problem. It's almost fulfilling to crow over you, knowing that I am not only better than you, but the only hope you have at any semblance of normalcy."
Sirius smiled. "You know, if it weren't for the fact that this is hot pink, it would actually be pretty cool."
Remus smiled too. "Yeah, I know. Come here." Sirius scooted over. "Eeew. This stuff is RANCID."
"Get every hair, Remmy."
"Right."
"You know, this is actually pretty relaxing," Sirius commented, closing his eyes.
"Hey, don't lean on me; you're going to goop me. And then I'll have to kill you."
"Seriously. It feels like I'm at one of those spa things Lily's always talking about."
"I read an article in the Prophet the other day about "metrosexuals". You know what those are, Siri?"
"No. . ."
"That's okay. Suffice it to say that I suspect you might be one."
"Is that like a gay person?"
"Sorta."
"Snape's gay." Out of the blue.
Remus dropped the jar of hair goop onto the bedspread. "SHIT. Are you HAPPY now? This crap's EVERYWHERE." He frowned. "Besides, that's not even funny. That's GROSS."
"It's TRUE!"
Remus dipped his fingers into the gel and picked up another piece of Sirius's hair. "Really?" he asked, slathering more gunk onto the strands.
"Yeah. He told me. When I had my hand on his waist."
"RRRRRGH."
"What? Everything okay, Moony?"
"I'm just shocked and flustered at your complete lack of respect for other people. Social graces aren't your bag, are they?"
"What? What are you talking about?"
"You put your hand on his waist after he told you he's not straight?" Remus sighed and dipped his fingers into the glop again. "Sirius, let's think this through." He ran some more hair between his fingers.
"Ow! You're pulling!"
"Bull shit. You're being an ass."
"Wha. . . where is this coming from?"
"Sirius, I know you try and help people. I know you love the world, and I know in general you're a really nice person, but sometimes you just say and do the entirely wrong thing."
Sirius frowned angrily. "Oh yeah? Like what?"
"Shh, shh, relax." Remus reached down with his free hand and rubbed Sirius's shoulder. "Don't get angry."
"I'm not mad. I just want to know why you think I don't have any social skills."
"Siri, you put your hand on his waist twice in the same night, after he told you he was gay."
"Well, that's not quite true. First I put my hand on his waist, then he told me, then I put my hand on his waist again."
"That still leaves us with the problem of you putting your hand on his waist after he told you he's gay."
Sirius sighed. "I didn't mean to insinuate anything."
"Well what DID you mean?"
"He asked me if I hated him. I didn't know what else to do."
"There are other ways of letting people know you don't hate them." Remus rakes his fingers over Sirius's scalp, adding the finishing touches to his goop masterpiece. "Like coating every single hair with unidentifiable green crap after they dye their hair pink in an attempt to rid themselves of dandruff."
"You're DONE?"
"Yep. Go look in the mirror, Esmeralda."
As if it was clockwork, right then, James and Peter burst into the room. "Look, Moony, we got you a bag of chocolate!" Remus grinned and his eyes lit up.
"Oh, you guys are the best!"
"Yeah, we know. And Sirius! Look! A. . . AHHH! HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE HELL IS ALL OVER YOUR HEAD?"
"Well I was trying to get rid of dandruff and then I got pinked and then Flitiwck made me goop and now it's in my hair and I have to leave it in."
"Dude, as glad as I am that you're finally addressing the dandruff thing. . ." Peter remarked, shaking his head, "there have GOT to be better ways of going about it."
End of Chapter 7
Okay, so I'm babysitting New Year's Eve, so I probably won't get another chapter up until the 2nd. It'll be a lot better than this piece of crap, though. I just figured that this chapter had to be written (just to express to you all how cluelessly I write Sirius). I'm sick, too, so I'm really not at my most humorousnessest. (WOW.)
Heart,
Caroline
"Oh, Siri, man, you missed a wicked. . . oh. . . oh my. . . how. . . whaa. . ." Finally Remus settled for a simple "What the hell did you DO?"
After receiving a detention for his tenth absence during Divination, Remus had announced that he would be up in the North Tower for two hours, scrubbing floors and crystal balls. James and Peter had then announced that they were going to Hogsmeade and would be back in an hour, but because of trouble he'd gotten into on his LAST visit to Hogsmeade, Sirius was no longer allowed in the village. So he'd stayed in the dormitories.
"You were alone for an hour! MAX!" Remus screeched, circling Sirius, who was looking torn between being highly amused and being highly mortified. "Are you AWARE that you have to go out with that Barnes girl from Ravenclaw in like," he checked his watch, "eighteen minutes?"
"I owled her and cancelled," Sirius explained, flustered. "We rescheduled for later on in the week."
"Have James and Peter seen this?" Remus demanded. "My God, has anyone? I don't . . . I've never seen. . . good God. Whaa. . . why. . . WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"
Sirius pointed at his bright pink hair, exasperated. "You think I did this on PURPOSE?"
"The thought crossed my mind, yes!"
"Look, if I'd done this on purpose, I would have picked a MANLY color, like red or something. As it is, my hair is PINK, and I have spent the last forty-five minutes trying to wash it out!"
"WHY? What were you trying to DO?"
"I was TRYING an anti-dandruff spell!"
"How could you POSSIBLY get THAT out of an anti-dandruff spell?"
"Moony, you aren't helping AT ALL."
"I don't see how I CAN help, man. Your hair is PINK. What am I going to do?"
Sirius threw his hands up. "I don't know. . . aren't you supposed to be SMART?"
"Sirius, your grades are just as good as mine."
"Not in potions!"
"What, you want me to whip up an I'm-An-Idiot-So-I-Dyed-My-Hair-Pink- Help-Me-Get-It-Out potion? I don't think so."
"Well. . . go down to like Pomfrey or someone and get me a charm so that I don't have PINK FUCKING HAIR!"
Remus covered his mouth with one hand.
"And DON'T YOU LAUGH AT ME, YOU DIRTY LITTLE STREET PROSTITUTE!"
"I'm GOING!" Remus replied, and left the room, but not before giggling into his hand again.
"I SAW that!"
~~
"Any luck?" Sirius asked, poking his head around the door from the bathroom when he heard Remus's footsteps in the bedroom.
"Yup. You're lucky."
"Thank GOD."
"If James had seen you, you never would have heard the end of it."
"What do I do?" Sirius asked skeptically, analyzing the ominous- looking jar of bright green goop. "This is like what you find when you clean under my bed. I am very unwilling to put anything like this on any of my body parts."
"Well, Flitwick gave me a note. . . hang on. . ." Remus fished a piece of crumpled parchment with smeared handwritten instructions from his pocket. "Um. . . okay, you're supposed to coat every single individual strand of hair with this. . . this goop. . . and then leave it in for half an hour and then rinse. With. . . oh. With cold water."
"EVERY SINGLE STRAND??"
"That part's underlined."
"Oh, MAN."
~~
"Sirius, you want help?"
"NO."
"Look, I-"
"I don't need your help."
"Sirius, LOOK at you. You are COVERED in goop and there is VERY little on your hair."
It was true. In an effort to cover "every strand", Sirius had decided to get his hands dirty, pardon the expression, and comb through his hair with goop-covered fingers. He kept scratching his face, though, and so it ended up all over him, and then he'd try to wipe it on his pants, which would make the mess worse. Sirius threw his hands up and sighed. "Moony, please help?"
Remus put down his book ("Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and You") and went over to his friend. "How do you get yourself into these things?"
"I just wanted to rid the world of my dandruff. . . I thought it was an honorable intention. . ."
"Come over here. Sit down." Remus led Sirius over to the bed and they sat down together. "Give me that carton of gunk."
"Thank you," Sirius murmured, handing the jar over.
"No problem. It's almost fulfilling to crow over you, knowing that I am not only better than you, but the only hope you have at any semblance of normalcy."
Sirius smiled. "You know, if it weren't for the fact that this is hot pink, it would actually be pretty cool."
Remus smiled too. "Yeah, I know. Come here." Sirius scooted over. "Eeew. This stuff is RANCID."
"Get every hair, Remmy."
"Right."
"You know, this is actually pretty relaxing," Sirius commented, closing his eyes.
"Hey, don't lean on me; you're going to goop me. And then I'll have to kill you."
"Seriously. It feels like I'm at one of those spa things Lily's always talking about."
"I read an article in the Prophet the other day about "metrosexuals". You know what those are, Siri?"
"No. . ."
"That's okay. Suffice it to say that I suspect you might be one."
"Is that like a gay person?"
"Sorta."
"Snape's gay." Out of the blue.
Remus dropped the jar of hair goop onto the bedspread. "SHIT. Are you HAPPY now? This crap's EVERYWHERE." He frowned. "Besides, that's not even funny. That's GROSS."
"It's TRUE!"
Remus dipped his fingers into the gel and picked up another piece of Sirius's hair. "Really?" he asked, slathering more gunk onto the strands.
"Yeah. He told me. When I had my hand on his waist."
"RRRRRGH."
"What? Everything okay, Moony?"
"I'm just shocked and flustered at your complete lack of respect for other people. Social graces aren't your bag, are they?"
"What? What are you talking about?"
"You put your hand on his waist after he told you he's not straight?" Remus sighed and dipped his fingers into the glop again. "Sirius, let's think this through." He ran some more hair between his fingers.
"Ow! You're pulling!"
"Bull shit. You're being an ass."
"Wha. . . where is this coming from?"
"Sirius, I know you try and help people. I know you love the world, and I know in general you're a really nice person, but sometimes you just say and do the entirely wrong thing."
Sirius frowned angrily. "Oh yeah? Like what?"
"Shh, shh, relax." Remus reached down with his free hand and rubbed Sirius's shoulder. "Don't get angry."
"I'm not mad. I just want to know why you think I don't have any social skills."
"Siri, you put your hand on his waist twice in the same night, after he told you he was gay."
"Well, that's not quite true. First I put my hand on his waist, then he told me, then I put my hand on his waist again."
"That still leaves us with the problem of you putting your hand on his waist after he told you he's gay."
Sirius sighed. "I didn't mean to insinuate anything."
"Well what DID you mean?"
"He asked me if I hated him. I didn't know what else to do."
"There are other ways of letting people know you don't hate them." Remus rakes his fingers over Sirius's scalp, adding the finishing touches to his goop masterpiece. "Like coating every single hair with unidentifiable green crap after they dye their hair pink in an attempt to rid themselves of dandruff."
"You're DONE?"
"Yep. Go look in the mirror, Esmeralda."
As if it was clockwork, right then, James and Peter burst into the room. "Look, Moony, we got you a bag of chocolate!" Remus grinned and his eyes lit up.
"Oh, you guys are the best!"
"Yeah, we know. And Sirius! Look! A. . . AHHH! HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE HELL IS ALL OVER YOUR HEAD?"
"Well I was trying to get rid of dandruff and then I got pinked and then Flitiwck made me goop and now it's in my hair and I have to leave it in."
"Dude, as glad as I am that you're finally addressing the dandruff thing. . ." Peter remarked, shaking his head, "there have GOT to be better ways of going about it."
End of Chapter 7
Okay, so I'm babysitting New Year's Eve, so I probably won't get another chapter up until the 2nd. It'll be a lot better than this piece of crap, though. I just figured that this chapter had to be written (just to express to you all how cluelessly I write Sirius). I'm sick, too, so I'm really not at my most humorousnessest. (WOW.)
Heart,
Caroline