Chapter 8
"Look, Severus! A game plan!"
"What are you TALKING about?"
Sirius waved the sheet of paper. "A game plan! An agenda! A schedule!"
"For what?" Severus set his bookbag down on the table in the library that Sirius had apparently been occupying for a little while now and pulled out a chair.
"Our relationship."
"WHAT?"
"Ahem. Step One. Get to know each other."
"What is this for?"
"Step Two. Bond."
"Like hell I'll bond with you!"
"Oh, shut up, Sev. For one thing you already HAVE, and for another thing I know you love me. Step Three. Meet families. Except mine. Because mine sucks. So I can meet your family and then we can go to Tibet and meet monks in the time we would have met mine."
"Sirius, what are you smoking? I don't understand. What is this FOR??"
Sirius looked at him like a teacher looks at a particularly slow kindergartener. "If you're going to attempt something as important as a friendship, you need a plan of action."
"Actually. . ."
"And don't try and tell me we don't, either."
"Okay, I know I'm not the most qualified person to speak on the subject, but I don't think you're supposed to plan friendships."
"Sev, I really like you. When you're not being an ass. Which is, like, all the time. Which means I like you when we're completely alone and you've warmed up to me for like half an hour. That's bad. We need to increase friendship productivity."
Severus snickered.
"Are you LAUGHING at me?"
"Oh, God, no. It's actually quite commonplace for people to come up to me and tell me that they'd like to be my friend and here's a schedule so that that can happen. Why would I laugh?"
"You're mocking me, aren't you?"
"I would never."
"Right." Sirius glared suspiciously.
"Look, Sirius, as far as I'm concerned, we are friends. Sort of. I don't need an agenda telling me how to go about this."
Sirius sighed. "Well, apparently, I don't have any social skills, so I figured I'd make this easy on both of us."
"Waving a plan of friendship in the air is not the trademark of one with excessive social skills."
"Damn. And I thought I had it, too."
Severus laughed again.
"I think you might hit your laugh record soon."
"Oh, shut up."
"Hey, you wanna work with me on that Potions final project? Create your own potion, huh? Man, I'm gonna create a potion that'll kick Lector's ass. . . wanna do it?"
His face fell. "I can't. . . I'm working. . . with Lucius. . ."
"Oh." BASTARD! YOU STOLE MY GREASY-HAIRED SEMI FRIEND! Wait. . . okay, this is SAD.
"Yeah. He's kind of a jerk, though, so. . ."
Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Really? See, that's funny. I never would have noticed. He's just naturally the type that strikes you as the type to sell cookies and help old ladies cross the street."
"Yeah."
"Well then why do you hang out with him?"
"I don't know. . . I've known him all my life."
"That's the lamest excuse for anything I have ever heard in my entire life. It takes a LOT to impress me in the way of lame excuses."
"So basically what you're saying is that you would be a better potions partner than Lucius."
"I would be a better ANYTHING than Malfoy. I would be a better PET ROCK than Malfoy."
"Uh, right."
"Dude, I'm not kidding."
"Don't EVER call me that again."
"Dude, why not? Dude!"
"You need to shut up."
"Dude, why are you in such a bad mood? DUDE! That RHYMES!"
"Black, you certainly are bizarre."
"Did you just call me a MARKETPLACE?"
"No. And I am not in a bad mood. I'm just. . . exasperated."
"Why?"
"Sirius, I know this will sound foreign, but try not to get too overwhelmed: some of us actually have hard lives."
"You don't."
"How do YOU know?"
"I can tell."
"Well, I have a harder life than you."
"Like how?"
"Hey!" a passing kid in the library called. "Look! It's Slimy Snape! Black, what are you DOING? Trying to catch GONORRHEA?"
"Like that," Severus replied calmly.
"Ah."
"You need a break, Sev."
Severus stretched out in his chair. "You think?" he asked sarcastically.
"We should take a vacation."
"Uh, we?"
"We should go camping."
"Uh. . . ex-CUSE me?"
"I'm a good camper."
"I went camping once with Lucius and his family. . . it was horrible."
"We've been through this. I'm better at stuff then Malfoy is."
"Oh yeah. I'd forgotten. Well in that case, let's pack up and leave for Switzerland tomorrow."
"Or maybe we should go rock climbing."
"Sirius, is it normal for you to just spurt random thoughts like this?"
"Oh yeah. Don't worry. I'm good."
"I'm worrying. I can't help it."
"We should make cookies."
"Will you SHUT UP? You're supposed to be learning. Come on, let's get that textbook." Severus reached into Sirius's bag and pulled the book out. Then he looked up at Sirius and sighed when the look in his eyes made it very clear that he was not joking.
"I can't learn. . . if I'm dead. . . and I can't be not dead. . . if I'm not living. . . and if I don't get some food soon, I'm gonna be not living. . . but I don't wanna eat it unless it's cookies. . . and normally I carry cookies around with me in case of stuff like this. . . but I happen to be out. . . and I can't go down to the kitchens because for at LEAST the next week they're gonna have house-elves down there checking to make sure visitors aren't me or Jamie because last week we managed to get drunk and pass out IN THE DAMN KITCHENS. . . which leaves us with only one option."
Severus was staring. "Huh?"
"We have to make our own cookies. Screw learning," he muttered, grabbing his textbook and shoving it into the bag. "Are you with me?"
"I am SO confused. . ."
"Just say 'Yes, Sirius, because you're brave and smart and my idol'."
"THE HELL I WILL."
"Well then just say yes."
"Okay, I'm with you. But I don't. . . where are we going to make said cookies?"
"There's a kitchen behind the Muggle Studies room for cases like these. The girls like to make stuff there. In fact, that's where a lot of our food at that party came from. Obviously it's a Muggle kitchen, but I think we'll be able to manage."
"Really?" Severus asked, following Sirius as he positively ran out of the library and in the direction of the Muggle Studies room.
"I would never lie to you about something as basic to life as cookie- making, Sev."
~~
"Sirius, have you ever MADE cookies?"
"Never in my life. You?"
"Nope."
"This should be interesting."
~~
"I don't WANT to make double-mocha-choco-white-fruit-chunk-triple- whatever-the-hell! I want to make NORMAL chocolate chip!"
"Yeah, well you SUCK, so you're not allowed to pick."
"Oh, mature, Sirius. Mature."
"I'm known for that."
~~
"This can't be right. . ."
"Sev, what are you trying to do?"
"I'm trying to mix the dough!"
"It might be just me, but I don't think you're supposed to use a baster for that."
"Why?"
"Well, that's more of a sucking-it-in-then-blowing-it-out type utensil. As opposed to, say, a mixer."
"But this works so perfectly. . . look at the creamy yet firm texture of my whipped mixture!"
"Okay, man. You do whatever you want."
~~
"Aw, MAN, Sirius! What are you DOING?"
"I am toasting the dough! How the hell do you think the cookies get made?"
"NOT IN TOASTERS!"
"Why not? Toasters are hot, they're little, and they're convenient."
"How are you going to get it OUT?"
"Uhh. . ."
~~
"Okay, you try the first one," Severus said, looking apprehensively at the flat little pancake-shaped desserts on the tray.
"I don't WANT to. I'm afraid."
"Oh, just do it," Severus snapped, trying to sound confident and hoping Sirius wouldn't call him on his bluff.
"Why won't YOU try one?"
"Because. . ."
"Look, I know why. You know why. I just want to hear you SAY it."
Severus sighed. "I'm not real open-minded," he muttered grudgingly.
"THANK YOU."
"Now that I've admitted my deep dark secret, I think it's only fair that you should have to try the first one."
Sirius sighed and grabbed a "cookie". "Okay, here goes." He took a bite. "Oh! Yuck!"
"Really?"
"No. I'm kidding. Actually, they're pretty good."
"Really?"
Sirius held out the plate. "Try one."
"I don't want to."
"All this work?"
Severus shrugged. "They don't look right."
"They look fine. Now eat it, Mr. Finicky."
Severus sighed, took a breath, and bit into a cookie.
"What do you think?" Sirius asked, watching Severus almost anxiously.
Severus shrugged and reluctantly sighed, "They ARE good."
Sirius smiled. "See?"
"You were right."
"I'm ALWAYS right."
"Sure, Sirius. Sure."
"You know, Sev, we make a pretty good team."
"Yeah yeah yeah."
"I'm serious."
Severus smiled. "I guess we do, don't we?"
"It takes a SPECIAL kind of teamwork to produce great culinary masterpieces after mixing the dough with a baster and then attempting to toast it. You KNOW that, don't you?"
"I never thought of it that way. . . wow. We ARE good!"
Sirius smiled.
~~
Later that night, after deciding to actually get some studying done that night, Severus and Sirius were on the floor in the Muggle Studies room, papers and books spread everywhere. The two were writing an essay for Professor Lector on aphrodisiacs, scrambling to get it done by the due date of the next morning.
Sirius's demeanor had completely changed. He was nervously chewing the end of a quill and sitting hunched over, staring down nervously at his piece of parchment, occasionally looking up to ask Severus a question.
"Sirius? Are you all right?" Severus asked, concern edging his voice. He looked so pretty, sitting there, but also so sad. . . he had to help, somehow. Hang on, back up. . . he looked PRETTY?
"Yeah, I'm fine, I just. . ." Sirius sighed and helplessly gestured to his paper.
"Anything I can do?"
Sirius let out a bark of a laugh. "Unless you want to write this for me. . ."
Severus stared sympathetically. Potions had always come easily to him; he'd never had to struggle at it like his friend was so obviously doing. "Well, Sirius, you don't look very comfortable. . ."
"Hmm?"
"Here." Severus stood up and went over to Sirius, sitting own next to him. He put his hand on the small of Sirius's back and used the other to guide his shoulders up until he was sitting up straight. "Is that better?"
"Yes," Sirius replied in a strangled whisper. He didn't care at all for the way this was affecting him. . . Severus's hands were still on his shoulders. . . his breath was coming faster now. . .
"Good." Now would be a good time to take your hands off his back, Severus thought to himself. But his hands seemed anchored to his back.
"Severus. . ." Sirius murmured.
"Yes?"
"Rub my shoulders?" It was the last thing in the world Sirius had wanted to say, and the second the words were out he tensed apprehensively.
By way of an answer, Severus placed both of his hands on both of Sirius's shoulders and kneaded. Seconds ticked by. . . minutes. . . and Black, his eyes closed, tiny sounds of gratitude and relief escaping him, shoulders moving under Severus's grasp, was looking quite. . . appealing.
"Thank you," Sirius whispered, slinking away five minutes later when Severus took his hands away. He sat Indian style on the ground, no more than three inches away from Severus, thinking about how lovely his mouth was, and highly disturbed by both the fact itself, and the person these feelings of affection were radiating to.
"Sirius," Severus murmured, just to get the other boy to look up. Before the other boy could reply, he darted in and captured his mouth in a kiss.
End of Chapter 8
I'm SORRY! I know I said it wasn't slash, but I had to. . . negative response earns a "just this once; Sev was confused", while positive response earns a "let's get it on, man!" Reviews in general earn hugs from me, and reviews to YOUR story!
By the way, the whole "I'm not real open-minded" thing belongs to Darb Conley, the author of "Get Fuzzy", my favorite comic strip in the whole world. Go! Buy "Get Fuzzy" books!
(but first, review. please?)
"Look, Severus! A game plan!"
"What are you TALKING about?"
Sirius waved the sheet of paper. "A game plan! An agenda! A schedule!"
"For what?" Severus set his bookbag down on the table in the library that Sirius had apparently been occupying for a little while now and pulled out a chair.
"Our relationship."
"WHAT?"
"Ahem. Step One. Get to know each other."
"What is this for?"
"Step Two. Bond."
"Like hell I'll bond with you!"
"Oh, shut up, Sev. For one thing you already HAVE, and for another thing I know you love me. Step Three. Meet families. Except mine. Because mine sucks. So I can meet your family and then we can go to Tibet and meet monks in the time we would have met mine."
"Sirius, what are you smoking? I don't understand. What is this FOR??"
Sirius looked at him like a teacher looks at a particularly slow kindergartener. "If you're going to attempt something as important as a friendship, you need a plan of action."
"Actually. . ."
"And don't try and tell me we don't, either."
"Okay, I know I'm not the most qualified person to speak on the subject, but I don't think you're supposed to plan friendships."
"Sev, I really like you. When you're not being an ass. Which is, like, all the time. Which means I like you when we're completely alone and you've warmed up to me for like half an hour. That's bad. We need to increase friendship productivity."
Severus snickered.
"Are you LAUGHING at me?"
"Oh, God, no. It's actually quite commonplace for people to come up to me and tell me that they'd like to be my friend and here's a schedule so that that can happen. Why would I laugh?"
"You're mocking me, aren't you?"
"I would never."
"Right." Sirius glared suspiciously.
"Look, Sirius, as far as I'm concerned, we are friends. Sort of. I don't need an agenda telling me how to go about this."
Sirius sighed. "Well, apparently, I don't have any social skills, so I figured I'd make this easy on both of us."
"Waving a plan of friendship in the air is not the trademark of one with excessive social skills."
"Damn. And I thought I had it, too."
Severus laughed again.
"I think you might hit your laugh record soon."
"Oh, shut up."
"Hey, you wanna work with me on that Potions final project? Create your own potion, huh? Man, I'm gonna create a potion that'll kick Lector's ass. . . wanna do it?"
His face fell. "I can't. . . I'm working. . . with Lucius. . ."
"Oh." BASTARD! YOU STOLE MY GREASY-HAIRED SEMI FRIEND! Wait. . . okay, this is SAD.
"Yeah. He's kind of a jerk, though, so. . ."
Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Really? See, that's funny. I never would have noticed. He's just naturally the type that strikes you as the type to sell cookies and help old ladies cross the street."
"Yeah."
"Well then why do you hang out with him?"
"I don't know. . . I've known him all my life."
"That's the lamest excuse for anything I have ever heard in my entire life. It takes a LOT to impress me in the way of lame excuses."
"So basically what you're saying is that you would be a better potions partner than Lucius."
"I would be a better ANYTHING than Malfoy. I would be a better PET ROCK than Malfoy."
"Uh, right."
"Dude, I'm not kidding."
"Don't EVER call me that again."
"Dude, why not? Dude!"
"You need to shut up."
"Dude, why are you in such a bad mood? DUDE! That RHYMES!"
"Black, you certainly are bizarre."
"Did you just call me a MARKETPLACE?"
"No. And I am not in a bad mood. I'm just. . . exasperated."
"Why?"
"Sirius, I know this will sound foreign, but try not to get too overwhelmed: some of us actually have hard lives."
"You don't."
"How do YOU know?"
"I can tell."
"Well, I have a harder life than you."
"Like how?"
"Hey!" a passing kid in the library called. "Look! It's Slimy Snape! Black, what are you DOING? Trying to catch GONORRHEA?"
"Like that," Severus replied calmly.
"Ah."
"You need a break, Sev."
Severus stretched out in his chair. "You think?" he asked sarcastically.
"We should take a vacation."
"Uh, we?"
"We should go camping."
"Uh. . . ex-CUSE me?"
"I'm a good camper."
"I went camping once with Lucius and his family. . . it was horrible."
"We've been through this. I'm better at stuff then Malfoy is."
"Oh yeah. I'd forgotten. Well in that case, let's pack up and leave for Switzerland tomorrow."
"Or maybe we should go rock climbing."
"Sirius, is it normal for you to just spurt random thoughts like this?"
"Oh yeah. Don't worry. I'm good."
"I'm worrying. I can't help it."
"We should make cookies."
"Will you SHUT UP? You're supposed to be learning. Come on, let's get that textbook." Severus reached into Sirius's bag and pulled the book out. Then he looked up at Sirius and sighed when the look in his eyes made it very clear that he was not joking.
"I can't learn. . . if I'm dead. . . and I can't be not dead. . . if I'm not living. . . and if I don't get some food soon, I'm gonna be not living. . . but I don't wanna eat it unless it's cookies. . . and normally I carry cookies around with me in case of stuff like this. . . but I happen to be out. . . and I can't go down to the kitchens because for at LEAST the next week they're gonna have house-elves down there checking to make sure visitors aren't me or Jamie because last week we managed to get drunk and pass out IN THE DAMN KITCHENS. . . which leaves us with only one option."
Severus was staring. "Huh?"
"We have to make our own cookies. Screw learning," he muttered, grabbing his textbook and shoving it into the bag. "Are you with me?"
"I am SO confused. . ."
"Just say 'Yes, Sirius, because you're brave and smart and my idol'."
"THE HELL I WILL."
"Well then just say yes."
"Okay, I'm with you. But I don't. . . where are we going to make said cookies?"
"There's a kitchen behind the Muggle Studies room for cases like these. The girls like to make stuff there. In fact, that's where a lot of our food at that party came from. Obviously it's a Muggle kitchen, but I think we'll be able to manage."
"Really?" Severus asked, following Sirius as he positively ran out of the library and in the direction of the Muggle Studies room.
"I would never lie to you about something as basic to life as cookie- making, Sev."
~~
"Sirius, have you ever MADE cookies?"
"Never in my life. You?"
"Nope."
"This should be interesting."
~~
"I don't WANT to make double-mocha-choco-white-fruit-chunk-triple- whatever-the-hell! I want to make NORMAL chocolate chip!"
"Yeah, well you SUCK, so you're not allowed to pick."
"Oh, mature, Sirius. Mature."
"I'm known for that."
~~
"This can't be right. . ."
"Sev, what are you trying to do?"
"I'm trying to mix the dough!"
"It might be just me, but I don't think you're supposed to use a baster for that."
"Why?"
"Well, that's more of a sucking-it-in-then-blowing-it-out type utensil. As opposed to, say, a mixer."
"But this works so perfectly. . . look at the creamy yet firm texture of my whipped mixture!"
"Okay, man. You do whatever you want."
~~
"Aw, MAN, Sirius! What are you DOING?"
"I am toasting the dough! How the hell do you think the cookies get made?"
"NOT IN TOASTERS!"
"Why not? Toasters are hot, they're little, and they're convenient."
"How are you going to get it OUT?"
"Uhh. . ."
~~
"Okay, you try the first one," Severus said, looking apprehensively at the flat little pancake-shaped desserts on the tray.
"I don't WANT to. I'm afraid."
"Oh, just do it," Severus snapped, trying to sound confident and hoping Sirius wouldn't call him on his bluff.
"Why won't YOU try one?"
"Because. . ."
"Look, I know why. You know why. I just want to hear you SAY it."
Severus sighed. "I'm not real open-minded," he muttered grudgingly.
"THANK YOU."
"Now that I've admitted my deep dark secret, I think it's only fair that you should have to try the first one."
Sirius sighed and grabbed a "cookie". "Okay, here goes." He took a bite. "Oh! Yuck!"
"Really?"
"No. I'm kidding. Actually, they're pretty good."
"Really?"
Sirius held out the plate. "Try one."
"I don't want to."
"All this work?"
Severus shrugged. "They don't look right."
"They look fine. Now eat it, Mr. Finicky."
Severus sighed, took a breath, and bit into a cookie.
"What do you think?" Sirius asked, watching Severus almost anxiously.
Severus shrugged and reluctantly sighed, "They ARE good."
Sirius smiled. "See?"
"You were right."
"I'm ALWAYS right."
"Sure, Sirius. Sure."
"You know, Sev, we make a pretty good team."
"Yeah yeah yeah."
"I'm serious."
Severus smiled. "I guess we do, don't we?"
"It takes a SPECIAL kind of teamwork to produce great culinary masterpieces after mixing the dough with a baster and then attempting to toast it. You KNOW that, don't you?"
"I never thought of it that way. . . wow. We ARE good!"
Sirius smiled.
~~
Later that night, after deciding to actually get some studying done that night, Severus and Sirius were on the floor in the Muggle Studies room, papers and books spread everywhere. The two were writing an essay for Professor Lector on aphrodisiacs, scrambling to get it done by the due date of the next morning.
Sirius's demeanor had completely changed. He was nervously chewing the end of a quill and sitting hunched over, staring down nervously at his piece of parchment, occasionally looking up to ask Severus a question.
"Sirius? Are you all right?" Severus asked, concern edging his voice. He looked so pretty, sitting there, but also so sad. . . he had to help, somehow. Hang on, back up. . . he looked PRETTY?
"Yeah, I'm fine, I just. . ." Sirius sighed and helplessly gestured to his paper.
"Anything I can do?"
Sirius let out a bark of a laugh. "Unless you want to write this for me. . ."
Severus stared sympathetically. Potions had always come easily to him; he'd never had to struggle at it like his friend was so obviously doing. "Well, Sirius, you don't look very comfortable. . ."
"Hmm?"
"Here." Severus stood up and went over to Sirius, sitting own next to him. He put his hand on the small of Sirius's back and used the other to guide his shoulders up until he was sitting up straight. "Is that better?"
"Yes," Sirius replied in a strangled whisper. He didn't care at all for the way this was affecting him. . . Severus's hands were still on his shoulders. . . his breath was coming faster now. . .
"Good." Now would be a good time to take your hands off his back, Severus thought to himself. But his hands seemed anchored to his back.
"Severus. . ." Sirius murmured.
"Yes?"
"Rub my shoulders?" It was the last thing in the world Sirius had wanted to say, and the second the words were out he tensed apprehensively.
By way of an answer, Severus placed both of his hands on both of Sirius's shoulders and kneaded. Seconds ticked by. . . minutes. . . and Black, his eyes closed, tiny sounds of gratitude and relief escaping him, shoulders moving under Severus's grasp, was looking quite. . . appealing.
"Thank you," Sirius whispered, slinking away five minutes later when Severus took his hands away. He sat Indian style on the ground, no more than three inches away from Severus, thinking about how lovely his mouth was, and highly disturbed by both the fact itself, and the person these feelings of affection were radiating to.
"Sirius," Severus murmured, just to get the other boy to look up. Before the other boy could reply, he darted in and captured his mouth in a kiss.
End of Chapter 8
I'm SORRY! I know I said it wasn't slash, but I had to. . . negative response earns a "just this once; Sev was confused", while positive response earns a "let's get it on, man!" Reviews in general earn hugs from me, and reviews to YOUR story!
By the way, the whole "I'm not real open-minded" thing belongs to Darb Conley, the author of "Get Fuzzy", my favorite comic strip in the whole world. Go! Buy "Get Fuzzy" books!
(but first, review. please?)