Disclaimer::
SK. Mulan. Not mine. End of story.
Warning::
*Shounen-ai*, insanity, major OOC-ness, bad humour, worse puns, butchering of my favorite Disney film.
This is a response(a long outdated one) to a challenge by Wumei from the Shaman Twin's group.
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~¤~Yohlan~¤~
A not-so-short parody based on Disney's Mulan
In a faraway land, there was a kingdom called Chi-paper-is-best-na which was ruled by a wise and young Empress-Jun Huang Ti. She was obsessed with building the world's longest ofuda paper wall. And so her loyal subjects suffered from massive paper cuts and finally after several decades and a lot of glue guns, the wall was finally built.
The ruler of the neighboring kingdom was furious. The long paper wall had challenged the popularity of their world's highest rock tower. And so Mongo-rocks-are-better-lia sent her best men headed by Hao Yu to assassinate Jun Huang Ti.
It seems that these two kingdoms have long fought over which between them is best. Scriptures say that their conflict had originated from the game of rock-scissors-paper. Paper thinks it can wrap rock up, rock thinks it can tear through paper.
And so a terrible war was about to begin…
~^~^~^~^~
(On the Great Wall of Paper-night time)
Random guard who has no name no.1: Hey random guard who has no name no.2. Take over for me will you? I gotta take a leak.
Random guard who has no name no.2: Yeah ok. Watch where you do it. I heard this guy pissed at the wrong place and fell through the paper.
Random guard who has no name no.1 goes off leaving random guard who has no name no.2 playing origami alone.
A three point metal thing comes flying up and lands on the edge of the paper wall.
*clink* *tear*
And again.
*clink* *tear*
And again.
*clink* *tear*
???: @$#@%@%@$!! Damn stupid paper keeps tearing before I can climb up.
Random guard who has no name no.2 tries to be helpful. He puts down a rope ladder for the unknown guy.
Random guard who has no name no.2: Use the ladder dude.
???: Oh great. Kewl dude.
Random guard who has no name no.2 looks on as the man who climbed up the ladder moved into the light from the nearby burning torch. His eyes widen as the man smirks at his apparent shock and recognition.
Random guard who has no name no.2: *stammers* You're..You're…You're '???'!!!!
???: …..Damn it.
??? turns towards the screen.
???: Oi dumb author. Type in my name already. You're killing the suspense.
(A pikachu appears out of nowhere and shocks him stupid.)
Hao Yu: *frizzy hair* @.@ T~than~kzz
Random guard who has no name no.2: Hao Yu!!
Hao Yu: Yes! It is I Hao Yu! The best warrior in all of Mongo-rocks-are-better-lia. I have come to kill your stupid empress for building such a stupid wall. Muahahahaha!
Random guard who has no name no.2 looks around for the place to light the danger signal. He fails as he trips and almost burns down the whole paper wall.
Hao Yu: Oh for God's sake…*snatches the torch from the guard and lights up the danger fire signal himself*
As soon as the blaze burned, one by one signals began to light up all along the paper wall.
Random guard who has no name no.2: Now all of Chi-paper-is-best-na knows you're here.
Hao Yu: Well duh. *throws the idiot off the idiot wall*
~^~^~^~^~
(Empress's palace.)
Random guard who has no name no.3: *runs in frantically* Your highness! Your highness!
Jun Huang Ti: *glares*
Random guard who has no name no.3: Uh…I mean…Your most gracious, beautiful, wise, sweet, wonderful highness!
Jun Huang Ti: *smiles* Yes. What is it, guard whose name I won't be bothered to know?
Random guard who has no name no.3: *cries* Hao Yu has stormed the wall with a huge army and has entered the kingdom. He plans to assassinate your most gracious, beautiful, wise, sweet, wonderful highness because of the challenge from the Great Wall of Paper.
Jun Huang Ti: WHAT??!!
General Lee Pyron: Your most gracious, beautiful, wise, sweet, wonderful highness. We of the imperial army shall guard you with our lives. Do not worry.
Jun Huang Ti: No! Send your guards to protect my paper!-uh I mean people! Hao Yu and his men must not reach the Forbidden City of Chi-paper-is-best-na.
*turns towards her imperial advisor* Chi Fuaust! Send out notices throughout the kingdom's villages. Call up reserves. And get as many new recruits as possible.
General Lee Pyron and Chi Fuaust: Right away your highness.
Jun Huang Ti: *glare*
General Lee Pyron and Chi Fuaust: Uh..we mean. Right away your most gracious, beautiful, wise, sweet, wonderful highness.
~^~^~^~^~
(The Fa Home)
Fa Yohlan is busy reading his last minute notes. He was supposed to have studied for the matchmaker interview before but he had fallen asleep last night.
The cock crows eight times to tell him that it's eight o'clock. Yes their family's cock is very clever. So is their dog, and for that matter their horse too.
Yohlan gets his dog to do his chores while he lazes around in bed. Bored, he goes to his mother's room and randomly plays dress up with her clothes. Satisfied with the clothes he has put on he moves on with his appearance. He plays with her hair gel and brushes his long hair gently. (Yes he has long hair. ^^)
He ties two thin plaits on each side of his face, just behind his ears. Then he braids up a thicker one halfway in the middle. As a finishing touch, he clips one of his mother's flowerlike pins on his hair. The Legolas wannabe smiles happily at his pretty image.
Fa Yohlan: *sings* I feel pre~~tty! And wi~~tty! And ga~~y!
The cock crows once to signal it is 8.30. In a hurry, Yohlan rushes to greet his father who was at the family shrine playing-uh praying.
Yohlan: Good morning father!
Zukihisa: Yohlan! *looks at his son who is in a dress* *shock* When did you become a girl?!!!
Yohlan: ^^;; Uh…
Zukihisa: Never mind. *glomps* You look so pretty as a girl! I don't want to send you to the matchmaker as a guy anymore. You are to go as a girl. Find a guy to marry and get us as much dowry as possible.
Yohlan: B-b-but!! @.@
Zukihisa: No buts! Now hurry to your mother and grandmother at the marketplace. I will tell them of the changes via express pigeon-mail.
Yohlan: But father! I am a guy!
Zukihisa: No more arguments! Go bring your family money-uh I mean honor! I will stay here and continue to play-uh I mean pray.
Yohlan: *cries waterfalls* ;__; Waaa……
~^~^~^~^~
(The village marketplace)
Beauty parlor woman1: Fa Lieiko! Is your son here yet? The matchmaker is not a patient woman.
Fa Lieiko: Oh of all days to be late. I should have prayed to the ancestors.
Yohlan appears on his galloping horse and falls off right in front of his mother.
*crash*
Yohlan: *coughs* *brushes dust away* I'm h-here.
Lieiko: *shock* *looks at the pretty boy in front of her* Yohlan! Oh my precious beautiful daughter!
Yohlan: _;; Son, mother. Son.
Lieiko: Nonsense my dear daughter! Now let's get you cleaned up.
Yohlan: Waa~mother too…;__;
~^~^~^~^~
(Beauty Parlor)
Beauty parlor woman1:
This is what you give me to work with?
Well, honey, worse I've seen
We're going to turn this fair boy
Into a drag queen.
Beauty parlor woman2:
We'll have you
Washed and dried
Primped and polished till you glow with pride
Trust my recipe for instant bride *pours god knows what liquids into the bath*
Yohlan: @.@ All these perfumes are making me dizzy. *faints*
You'll bring honor to us all
Beauty parlor woman1:
Wait and see
When we're through
Boys will gladly go to war for you
With good fortune and a great hairdo *yanks hair*
Yohlan: Owww!!! ;__;
You'll bring honor to us all
A girl can bring her family
Great honor in one way
By striking a good match
Yohlan: *lights up a match stick* Like this?
Beauty parlor woman2: No! *thwack*
And this could be the day
Beauty parlor woman2:
Men want girls with good taste
Yohlan: *nods* I have good taste buds.
Calm
Yohlan: *nods* I am calm.
Obedient
Yohlan: *nods* I am obedient.
Who work fast-paced
Yohlan: *nods* I…..Work? O__O Shit…
With good breeding
And a tiny waist
You'll bring honor to us all
All:
We all must serve our Empress
Who guards us from those duns
A man by bearing arms
A girl by bearing sons
Yohlan: WHAT?!! O__O Now see here. If you think that…*gets cut off*
When we're through you can't fail
Like a lotus blossom soft and palm
How could any fellow say "No sale"
You'll bring honor to us all
Yohlan:
Ancestors
Can't you see?
How evil of you to do this to me
I'll surely burn up the family tree
Keep my father poor and all
Scarier than the undertaker
We are meeting our matchmaker
All:
Destiny
Guard our girls
Yohlan: And one guy
And our future as it fast unfurls
Please look kindly on these cultured pearls
Each a perfect porcelain doll
Matchmaker candidates:
Please bring honor to us
Please bring honor to us
Please bring honor to us
Please bring honor to us
Please bring honor to us all
~^~^~^~^~
(Outside matchmaker's house)
The matchmaker interview was nothing short of a disaster. In the end, Yohlan was kicked out of the matchmaker's house by the screaming woman with a burnt bum and leaking mascara.
Matchmaker: You may look like a bride. But you'll never bring your family honor!
Yohlan opens his mouth to say something.
Matchmaker: And not even money!
Yohlan cries.
~^~^~^~^~
(The Fa home)
Well, it was to be expected that Yoh failed as a potential bride. He is a guy after all. An exceptionally pretty guy, but a guy just the same. But he was a bit offended that the matchmaker labeled him non-marriage material.
Shamefully, he returned home with his mother on his clever horse.
His father who had a hopeful face greeted them in the gateway. Yoh felt that he had let his father down and walked past him not meeting his eyes.
While he was moping around in their garden, his father came and sat down beside him.
Zukihisa: My poor daughter. Don't worry.
Yohlan: *twitch* Son. _*
Zukihisa: *glomps* You can make money with that body of yours using other ways. ^0^
Yohlan: *SLAP* *blush* //*
Zukihisa: Ouch. ;_;
A silent moment ensued.
*puuuut puuuuut* ~~ farting sound
Zukihisa: It wasn't me!
Yohlan: -__-;; It's the trumpets from the Imperial Army people who have come to recruit soldiers for the army because the dunderheads from Mongo-rocks-are-better-lia have invaded our country.
Zukihisa: Amazing! You can tell all that from just those sounds?
Yohlan: No. That scary blond on that horse just announced it. *points outside towards the convoy and gathering crowd*
Chi Fuaust: By order of the Empress, one man from every family must serve in the Imperial Army!
*takes out a long scroll*
The bla bla family!
*gives a separate red scroll to some unknown guy*
The bla bla family no.2!
*throws another to another guy*
The Fa family!
Zukihisa walks in a limp towards Chi Fuaust.
Lieiko: *nudges Yohlan* When did your father get that limp?
Yohlan: *shrugs* He tripped just now trying to run away by the back door. Too bad for him there were other guards there too.
Zukihisa: *forces himself* I……will….serve….in…..the….Imperial….Army….;__; *cries*
Yohlan: Hey! If he goes off to war, I'll get stuck doing his chores! *rushes out in a flash*
*stops in front of his father and looks up at Chi Fuaust* Please sir. Don't make him join the war. My father is old, useless, ecchi and even lazier than me.
Zukihisa: -__-*
Yohlan: There are plenty of other young men to fight for Chi-paper-is-best-na.
Zukihisa: *looks hopeful*
Chi Fuaust: *looks disgusted at Yohlan* *looks at Zukihisa* You will teach your daughter how to behave in a man's presence.
Yohlan: -__-* *mutters quietly to himself* Son.
Chi Fuaust: Report in tomorrow at the Origami Camp.
Yohlan looks on as his father bows reluctantly and accepts the red scroll.
~^~^~^~^~
(The Fa Home-at night)
Yohlan and his parents sat eating dinner in silence. Yohlan was about to voice out his opinion when,
*puuuuuuut*
Zukihisa: It still isn't me.
~^~^~^~^~
(The Fa Home-almost midnight)
Yohlan watches from behind the door outside his father's storeroom. Zukihisa opens a dust-covered closet and pulls out a dust-covered armor along with a dust-covered sword. In fact it was so dusty, it was a miracle that Yohlan could make out what they were.
His father sneezes and splutters as he puts on the armor which could barely fit him anymore. He clumsily takes a few steps and trips over the sword on the floor and hits his head on the closet door.
Zukihisa: Uwaauaau..@.@
Yohlan shakes his head.
Yohlan: *sighs* If he goes to that war, I'd be stuck with his chores forever.
Yohlan makes up his mind. He will go to war in his father's place. He could avoid doing his chores while he's at it too. It was a perfect plan. He rushes towards the family shrine and silently prays for good luck.
As he makes his way to pick up the armor, he pauses when he sees the light in his father's room still on. He strains his ears to hear the conversation that was taking place inside.
Zukihisa: *serious voice* Honey, tonight may be the last night we spend together.
Lieiko: Y-yes *sniff* *sniff*
Zukihisa: Then……let's get it on tonight baby!! ^0^ *jumps on Lieiko*
Lieiko: *gasps*
Zukihisa: *grunts*
Lieiko: *moans*
Zukihisa: *groans*
Outside, Yohlan is growing paler and paler.
Yohlan: -__-;;*sweatdrops* Gyah~ Ero jiji!
Yohlan shudders and quickly runs away.
He reaches the storeroom and pulls out the sword from its sheath. It looks brand new as if it had never been used before. Ever. And it's the same sword from the last war his father had been in. Conclusion anyone?
Picking up a handful of his long beautiful hair, he takes the sword and slices through it clean. His hair was now shoulder length short.
(A big hand comes out of nowhere and slaps Yohlan silly.)
Yohlan: Owww! @.@ What's that for?
(A signboard appears. Written on it is: You are going to pay for that. I told you to just take the damn wig off. They're not cheap you know.;__;)
Yohlan: Uh..sorry. I forgot. ^^;;
Yohlan ties up his short hair in a bun and proceeds to put on the armor, which fits him to the bone.
Finished, he tiptoes into his parent's room. Relieved that no voices were coming from the bed, he silently replaces the scroll with his mother's pin that he had stolen.
And with his clever horse who wasn't smart enough to recognize him at first, he raced out into the rainy night. Not even thinking that he should have at least taken an umbrella or a raincoat with him.
And by some unknown power, Lieiko realizes that her daughter has gone and the couple was devastated when they realize their daughter's decision. They rush out into the rain, only to see the flapping doors of their outer gate. Again, it seems to be a hereditary trait because they don't take any umbrellas with them either. Both suffer from severe colds the next day.
~^~^~^~^~
(The Origami Camp)
The moment Yohlan stepped into the camp, he began to regret ever leaving home.
~TBC~
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To fully enjoy this fic…you should have watched Mulan and know all its songs. ^^;;
Yoh: I'm a guy who is pretending to be a girl who is pretending to be a guy. How can anyone not see the irony in that?
SA: Because everybody is too busy staring at you.
Kindly review to get the next part. ^_~
Shiroi Ai.