Title: Elf Eye for the Ranger Guy
Author: Minja aka Carnimerie
Rating: PG
Summary: Can the five most fab elves in Middle Earth help make-over Aragorn before his kingmaking?! (Queer Eye/LotR crossover) AU.
Pairings: Cannon only apply: Aragorn/Arwen, Celeborn/Galadriel, ect. No slash (on purpose, anyway). ;-)
Note: Yeah, yeah, I know, Tolkien's probably rolling over in his grave at the moment, but, oh well! ;-) I HAD to do this, I tell you. As far as a timeline goes, this is in-between the victory of the Free Peoples and Aragorn's coronation. In this magical world, the Fellowship occurred and all, but Aragorn has had a few months to be king without an official ceremony, yet. He and Arwen are both living in Minas Tirith, but not officially married, yet.
For the record, here's the elves and their counterparts: -Elrohir-(Jai) Culture -Elladan-(Ted) Food and Wine -Legolas-(Kyan) Grooming -Celeborn-(Thom) Interior Design -Haldir-(Carson) Fashion
Disclaimer: I don't own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and am in no way affiliated with Bravo. Same for New Line and Tolkein's work. I merely own the will to desecrate both works and the humor and hope that I won't get flamed/sued/or booed for it. *grins* R&R, please!
~Minja
~~~~
"I'm ti-red!" Haldir whined. He was riding his horse through the misty sunlight of a Gondor day, allowing to animal to lumber at an agonizingly slow pace. His horse had been continually falling behind the rest of the Fab Five. Elladan and Elrohir were leading the pack, followed by Celeborn, and up until recently Legolas had been beside Haldir, chatting with him on the way. However, sometime in the night, the other elf had managed to move ahead and when Haldir turned to look for the other blond, he was greeted with silence. Haldir did was any normal elf would do. He pouted.
Legolas heard Haldir's complaint from the head of the line, where he had been conversing with Elrohir. Legolas turned to gaze at Haldir, wincing as he did. It had been he who had recommended they bring him along. A quick glance at Elrohir showed that the half-elf was wincing, too. Legolas shook his head.
"Haldir," Legolas began, walking over to the lone elf on horseback, "Why don't you give your horse a rest...walk with the rest of us for a while?" Legolas hoped the elf would simply take his advice, yet he wasn't surprised when Haldir seemed to ignore him. Legolas sighed. "You are the only one of us on horseback, you know."
Haldir stopped his horse and gazed down at the Mirkwood elf at his side. "Legolas," He said with an air of disbelief, "Do you know what would happen if I had walked all the way from Lothlorien to Minis Tirith?" Legolas stole a glance to the rest of their party, who were continuing on, knowing of Haldir's attitude. Legolas sighed again.
"You'd have gotten here at the same time as Celeborn and we'd have gotten to The White City a few days ago?" Haldir's eyes grew wide with horror.
"Legolas!" Haldir shook his head, and he scoffed. "If I had walked all the way here..." He stopped talking, seeming horrified with the thought. "Let's just say you did want me here for my impeccable fashion sense, correct? Do you have any idea how I would look if I had come all this way on foot?"
"Like me?" asked a silvery voice and Legolas glanced up to see Celeborn standing a few feet away. Haldir blushed, seeing Celeborn, yet snorted with slight indignation. Celeborn chose to ignore him, and continued. "We need to arrive quickly. From what Legolas has said, this is a real emergency." Legolas nodded.
"It is."
"Well, then, we'd better go on into the town." The Elf of Doriath gave his watchman a pointed look. "Haldir, stop slowing us down. Get off that horse. We don't need anything on it and five minutes on your feet will not kill you." Legolas was slightly amazed when the elf dismounted and, with a few words, sent his horse back to the forests of Lothlorien.
Yet the moment Celeborn, satisfied with his watchman's obedience, had turned his back, Haldir let loose a few more words, some of which Legolas was unfamiliar with but could guess the meaning of. Legolas let the elf mutter angrily for a few seconds and began to walk with him towards the others. Yet when Haldir seemed to continue on with his mutterings, Legolas spoke up.
"We really do need to get into the city," Legolas said in Celeborn's defense. "Arwen's letter was almost covered with tears and rightly so. Aragorn's a good man...but he's still quite a bit of a ranger and a little lacking in kingliness." Haldir nodded, then a wicked look came upon his face.
"Why on earth did she choose him?" Haldir's upper lip curled a little bit. "He's not the prettiest of men. I mean, a man is bad enough, but..." Haldir stopped speaking and glanced around to make sure Elladan and Elrohir were out of hearing distance.* He could see them up the road with Celeborn, chatting most likely about what their approach would be when dealing with the future king of men. Satisfied that Aragorn's foster siblings** were not paying attention, Haldir continued in a lowered voice. "Legolas...does he bathe?"
Legolas grimaced. He clasped Haldir's shoulder, as they walked, willing them both strength. "I am not sure, my friend. I know for certain he has worn the same green outfit for the past 20 years or so."
Haldir gasped. Legolas nodded sadly. The two of them continued in silence, until they had caught up with the other three elves at the main gate of Minas Tirith. All five elves gazed at the gate, seeming terrified to walk in. They knew what lay before them.
A king of kings. A man of the most nobel house of Numenor. They knew that shortly they would hold court with one of the most fierce warriors, one of the boldest leaders, and one of the kindest men to ever grace the surface of Middle Earth. He was a mortal marvel.
He also dressed in ripped clothes, smelled terrible, hadn't washed his hair in far too long, knew nothing of gourmet cooking, was a minimalist in a bad sense, couldn't dance to save his life, had no singing voice either, and was not a morning person.
It was six o'clock AM and they had exactly twelve hours to get him as elven as possible before his combination coronation and formal wedding to Arwen.
They were doomed.
~~~ TBC!
*- Yes, I'm well aware that they probably weren't out of hearing distance. But I figure that elves are basically like humans in one sense, they don't REALLY hear all that they can. If you're at a party, for instance, you have the capabilities to listen to many people's conversations, but you're probably only paying attention to the one you're a part of. So let's just say that El and El weren't paying attention to Haldir and Leggy. Whoa. That was a long explanation, sorry.
**- I'm going with a "Mellon Chronicles" based backstory. I'm not referring to any of Cassia and Sio's works, but in this fic, young Aragorn was raised by Elrond with Elrohir and Elladan as brothers. So any interaction between the three will have notes of sibling interaction. In the same vein of this kind of backstory, I'm saying that both Aragorn's dad and mom perished. Sorry, Gilraen.
R&R, please! It does help and really means a lot. Well, "tHIS fiC SUUUUUXXXXX!" isn't exactly helpful but feedback is feedback.;-)
~Minja
Author: Minja aka Carnimerie
Rating: PG
Summary: Can the five most fab elves in Middle Earth help make-over Aragorn before his kingmaking?! (Queer Eye/LotR crossover) AU.
Pairings: Cannon only apply: Aragorn/Arwen, Celeborn/Galadriel, ect. No slash (on purpose, anyway). ;-)
Note: Yeah, yeah, I know, Tolkien's probably rolling over in his grave at the moment, but, oh well! ;-) I HAD to do this, I tell you. As far as a timeline goes, this is in-between the victory of the Free Peoples and Aragorn's coronation. In this magical world, the Fellowship occurred and all, but Aragorn has had a few months to be king without an official ceremony, yet. He and Arwen are both living in Minas Tirith, but not officially married, yet.
For the record, here's the elves and their counterparts: -Elrohir-(Jai) Culture -Elladan-(Ted) Food and Wine -Legolas-(Kyan) Grooming -Celeborn-(Thom) Interior Design -Haldir-(Carson) Fashion
Disclaimer: I don't own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and am in no way affiliated with Bravo. Same for New Line and Tolkein's work. I merely own the will to desecrate both works and the humor and hope that I won't get flamed/sued/or booed for it. *grins* R&R, please!
~Minja
~~~~
"I'm ti-red!" Haldir whined. He was riding his horse through the misty sunlight of a Gondor day, allowing to animal to lumber at an agonizingly slow pace. His horse had been continually falling behind the rest of the Fab Five. Elladan and Elrohir were leading the pack, followed by Celeborn, and up until recently Legolas had been beside Haldir, chatting with him on the way. However, sometime in the night, the other elf had managed to move ahead and when Haldir turned to look for the other blond, he was greeted with silence. Haldir did was any normal elf would do. He pouted.
Legolas heard Haldir's complaint from the head of the line, where he had been conversing with Elrohir. Legolas turned to gaze at Haldir, wincing as he did. It had been he who had recommended they bring him along. A quick glance at Elrohir showed that the half-elf was wincing, too. Legolas shook his head.
"Haldir," Legolas began, walking over to the lone elf on horseback, "Why don't you give your horse a rest...walk with the rest of us for a while?" Legolas hoped the elf would simply take his advice, yet he wasn't surprised when Haldir seemed to ignore him. Legolas sighed. "You are the only one of us on horseback, you know."
Haldir stopped his horse and gazed down at the Mirkwood elf at his side. "Legolas," He said with an air of disbelief, "Do you know what would happen if I had walked all the way from Lothlorien to Minis Tirith?" Legolas stole a glance to the rest of their party, who were continuing on, knowing of Haldir's attitude. Legolas sighed again.
"You'd have gotten here at the same time as Celeborn and we'd have gotten to The White City a few days ago?" Haldir's eyes grew wide with horror.
"Legolas!" Haldir shook his head, and he scoffed. "If I had walked all the way here..." He stopped talking, seeming horrified with the thought. "Let's just say you did want me here for my impeccable fashion sense, correct? Do you have any idea how I would look if I had come all this way on foot?"
"Like me?" asked a silvery voice and Legolas glanced up to see Celeborn standing a few feet away. Haldir blushed, seeing Celeborn, yet snorted with slight indignation. Celeborn chose to ignore him, and continued. "We need to arrive quickly. From what Legolas has said, this is a real emergency." Legolas nodded.
"It is."
"Well, then, we'd better go on into the town." The Elf of Doriath gave his watchman a pointed look. "Haldir, stop slowing us down. Get off that horse. We don't need anything on it and five minutes on your feet will not kill you." Legolas was slightly amazed when the elf dismounted and, with a few words, sent his horse back to the forests of Lothlorien.
Yet the moment Celeborn, satisfied with his watchman's obedience, had turned his back, Haldir let loose a few more words, some of which Legolas was unfamiliar with but could guess the meaning of. Legolas let the elf mutter angrily for a few seconds and began to walk with him towards the others. Yet when Haldir seemed to continue on with his mutterings, Legolas spoke up.
"We really do need to get into the city," Legolas said in Celeborn's defense. "Arwen's letter was almost covered with tears and rightly so. Aragorn's a good man...but he's still quite a bit of a ranger and a little lacking in kingliness." Haldir nodded, then a wicked look came upon his face.
"Why on earth did she choose him?" Haldir's upper lip curled a little bit. "He's not the prettiest of men. I mean, a man is bad enough, but..." Haldir stopped speaking and glanced around to make sure Elladan and Elrohir were out of hearing distance.* He could see them up the road with Celeborn, chatting most likely about what their approach would be when dealing with the future king of men. Satisfied that Aragorn's foster siblings** were not paying attention, Haldir continued in a lowered voice. "Legolas...does he bathe?"
Legolas grimaced. He clasped Haldir's shoulder, as they walked, willing them both strength. "I am not sure, my friend. I know for certain he has worn the same green outfit for the past 20 years or so."
Haldir gasped. Legolas nodded sadly. The two of them continued in silence, until they had caught up with the other three elves at the main gate of Minas Tirith. All five elves gazed at the gate, seeming terrified to walk in. They knew what lay before them.
A king of kings. A man of the most nobel house of Numenor. They knew that shortly they would hold court with one of the most fierce warriors, one of the boldest leaders, and one of the kindest men to ever grace the surface of Middle Earth. He was a mortal marvel.
He also dressed in ripped clothes, smelled terrible, hadn't washed his hair in far too long, knew nothing of gourmet cooking, was a minimalist in a bad sense, couldn't dance to save his life, had no singing voice either, and was not a morning person.
It was six o'clock AM and they had exactly twelve hours to get him as elven as possible before his combination coronation and formal wedding to Arwen.
They were doomed.
~~~ TBC!
*- Yes, I'm well aware that they probably weren't out of hearing distance. But I figure that elves are basically like humans in one sense, they don't REALLY hear all that they can. If you're at a party, for instance, you have the capabilities to listen to many people's conversations, but you're probably only paying attention to the one you're a part of. So let's just say that El and El weren't paying attention to Haldir and Leggy. Whoa. That was a long explanation, sorry.
**- I'm going with a "Mellon Chronicles" based backstory. I'm not referring to any of Cassia and Sio's works, but in this fic, young Aragorn was raised by Elrond with Elrohir and Elladan as brothers. So any interaction between the three will have notes of sibling interaction. In the same vein of this kind of backstory, I'm saying that both Aragorn's dad and mom perished. Sorry, Gilraen.
R&R, please! It does help and really means a lot. Well, "tHIS fiC SUUUUUXXXXX!" isn't exactly helpful but feedback is feedback.;-)
~Minja