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This fic was originally posted on theforce.net, where I go by the screenname of SaberBlade. If you recognize this, don't worry, it isn't plagiarized; I'm simply reposting it here also.
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General Disclaimer: Star Wars belongs to George Lucas and the characters belong to their respective authors. Anything you don't recognize is mine; please respect my muse. I don't intend any infringement with this fic; it was created because I have an abiding love for Star Wars and a wish to share my interpretation of it with the world.
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Details:
Name: Broken
Time Frame: Post-NJO
Pairing: Kyp Durron and Jaina Solo
Rating: PG to PG-13
Post: Chapter 2 of 3
Story Status: Completed
Notes: There is a sequel, Whole, which can be found both on this site and on theforce.net.
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As always, reviews are appreciated.
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She hadn't felt whole in years.
It was as if something were missing; as if some part of her had somehow disappeared into space. When Anakin had died, when Jacen had vanished- those had been similar voids in her being. But she knew when those holes had been torn; she could look back and feel through the pain to when she had first been ripped asunder.
This was different.
She didn't know when this hole had been made; she didn't know what had caused it. All she knew was that it existed, and that it wanted to swallow her up.
She didn't know what was missing. It was as if some essential part of her- the part that made her whole, the part that made her feel connected and content- had simply faded away and vanished, had splintered into hundreds of shards that could never be collected. But she couldn't get a lock on what this part was. It was obvious only in its absence; it was as though some vital piece of her had decided to inform her of its presence only as it was ripped away from her and broken.
She didn't understand it. But that was the way she felt.
Incomplete. Missing something vitally important. Broken.
She didn't know how long she had felt this way. Years, at least. She had been trying to fill the hole long before she had acknowledged its existence. That was the only way she could gauge how long she had felt incomplete.
She had been trying to put herself back together for years. For nearly the entirety of the war. She had been whole when she had gone through Lando's Folly; she had been whole when she had first flown with Rogue Squadron. She had even been whole at Sernpidal, the one place where she should have felt broken and empty inside. At first she thought that it had been the battle at Sernpidal that had destroyed whatever vital part that had gone missing. But there had been times after that when she had felt whole, so she had ruled out Sernpidal.
She had given up trying to figure out when, precisely, some part of her had shattered. Now she simply tried to live with a gaping void in her being. She had tried to fill the void over the years, even before she had realized that the void existed. Twin Suns, being the Trickster-Goddess, her military career, being a Jedi. She still wasn't certain how much of her fall to the dark side was because she was searching for something- anything- to make her feel whole and complete.
It had even seemed to work for a while. That scared her, because it made the alluring voice of the dark side sweeter than ever. You were whole when you gave in, she always seemed to hear somewhere in the back of her mind. You can be whole again.
But she knew what the dark side could do; knew that it would tempt with easy answers and swift power; knew that in the end, she would still feel hollow. But the knowledge didn't keep the dark side from tempting her.
So she had escaped the darkness and returned to her broken self. And things had improved, for a time- she was Yun-Harla, the Trickster-Goddess; she had a Jedi Master to guide her, a Master she knew understood what she had gone through, a Master she counted as a friend.
He had made her laugh when she hadn't thought she would be able to. He had made her feel- anger, annoyance, friendship- when she hadn't been sure she would be able to feel again. More importantly, he had made her be honest- honest to the world and honest to herself.
And she had Twin Suns; she had her pilots and her companions in mischief-making and trickster-planning.
And she had Jag.
For a time- for such a short time- she had been complete again. Unbroken.
And then she had moved on, sure that she was ready for the galaxy. She was a Solo- it was her job to save the galaxy. And her twin brother was alive and the war was finally going in their favor . . .
But she was somehow broken.
That was when she had first realized how incomplete she was. It wasn't when the hole had been made, but it was when she had finally noticed it. And by then it was too late for her to find all the shattered pieces.
Tahiri had given her hope. Tahiri had been as lost as Jaina felt; when Tahiri was able to come to terms with Riina, Jaina had felt a brief shiver of hope that she too would be able to come to terms with the hollowness inside of her.
She was afraid her uncle had spoken the truth on her ascension to Knighthood, afraid that she would never know peace. Nothing she had done had been able to fill the void and give her rest.
Maybe that was why she had turned Jag down just days ago when he had asked her to marry him. She had thought- had hoped- that he would be able to collect the shattered pieces and make her whole again. Or to at least fill the void with something of himself. He loved her, in his way; in a way, she loved him.
But she had turned him down, and much as they both might regret it, neither felt she had done anything other than what was best for them. Jag was a good friend; she was glad she hadn't lost him.
She had already lost part of herself.
She was tired of feeling hollow, of knowing she was somehow broken.
She was tainted; she was somehow incomplete.
She wanted to be whole again.
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Reviews make my day! Tell me what you think I did well or horribly. I appreciate constructive criticism and honest appraisals…
Thanks!
-Keth
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