~
This fic was originally posted on theforce.net, where I go by the screenname of SaberBlade. If you recognize this, don't worry, it isn't plagiarized; I'm simply reposting it here also.
~
General Disclaimer: Star Wars belongs to George Lucas and the characters belong to their respective authors. Anything you don't recognize is mine; please respect my muse. I don't intend any infringement with this fic; it was created because I have an abiding love for Star Wars and a wish to share my interpretation of it with the world.
~
~
Details:
Name: Broken
Time Frame: Post-NJO
Pairing: Kyp Durron and Jaina Solo
Rating: PG to PG-13
Post: Chapter 3 of 3
Story Status: Completed
Notes: There is a sequel, Whole, which can be found both on this site and on theforce.net.
~
As always, reviews are appreciated.
~
~
Kyp paused in the doorway of the conference room. He need a minute to gather his thoughts.
He needed a minute to look at her.
Jaina stood at the far end of the conference room, by the sliver of a viewport in the corner. The distant pinpoints of far-off stars provided the only light for the room; Jaina was motionless, gazing out into the stars. She wore a grey military uniform under her Jedi robe; her lightsaber, hanging at her waist, glinted dully in the silver starlight. Her hair had grown, Kyp saw, drinking in the details. It had probably begun the day in a braid, but now, when most people aboard the ship were sleeping, the braid was tattered and wisps of dark brown hair escaped the plait to frame her face and curl around her shoulders.
But what captured Kyp more than anything was the expression on her face. She looked . . . lost, he decided. Vulnerable.
Part of him ridiculed the idea of Jaina Solo being vulnerable. She was strong; she had proven her strength all throughout the war. But part of him longed to go up to her and hold her, to lend her some of his strength, to keep her safe until that lost look faded away.
With a deep, calming breath, Kyp stepped into the darkened room, letting his tight shields drop so that she could sense his presence. He made his way to her slowly, circling the conference table and the stacked chairs, until he stood beside her, staring out into the stars.
She didn't look at him, didn't move to acknowledge him in any way, but he felt the light brush of her mind against his, a quiet welcome. He sent a gentle caress back, and they stood in silence for a long moment.
Jaina was the first to speak. "You've been away for a while," she said, voice soft and familiar.
"Us mere mortals do have lives to attend to, Goddess." His tone was light and jesting, but the smile didn't quite reach his face. It had been all too hard to keep himself away from her the past few years since the war ended; now that he was speaking with her, he would keep himself under tight control. She didn't deserve to be broken.
She didn't look at him. "I haven't been a goddess in a long time, Kyp," she sighed.
"I know. But it's a hard habit to break."
"How have you been?"
"All right. Peace is different. I almost expect to wake up and find myself back in the middle of things again." He glanced over at Jaina. "I hear you've been promoted again. Congratulations."
"Thanks." Her voice was barely a whisper; she crossed her arms in front of her and hugged them tight against her chest, as if she was cold.
"How is your family?"
A ghost of a smile flickered across her face for a moment; it hurt to compare it to the grin that Kyp remembered. "They're doing well. Jacen's got his own family now, and Mom and Dad are back to arguing over which one of us has given them more grey hairs. Tahiri's doing much better."
He noticed she counted Tahiri in with her true family, but didn't comment on it. "That's good. Master Skywalker said they'd be arriving soon."
"Yes."
When had their conversations become so stilted? Where was the bantering, the laughter? They spoke like they were polite strangers. What had happened to the easy friendship, the partnership, the comradery?
He was about to speak, to wish her a good night and leave her to her contemplations, safe from his tainted presence, when she suddenly turned to face him.
"Kyp," she said, "what's wrong with me?"
"Wrong?" He stared at her for a minute, but her brown eyes were sad and very serious. "What do you mean?"
"Can't you sense it?" She uncrossed her arms and spread them wide. "Jacen can. Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara can. Mom can even sense it sometimes. What's wrong with me?"
Tears were brimming in her eyes; Kyp forced himself to ignore them and reached out towards her with the Force. Rather than a simple brush against her mind as he had done before, this time he reached out a mental hand for hers, and waited. She accepted his invitation, and the link welled open between them.
It had always been a strong link, pulsing with their combined presences, strengthened by the near-competition between the two of them, fueled by their affection for each other and brimming with life. But now, to Kyp's horror, Jaina's presence seemed dimmed, diminished.
He pulled out of the link and gazed down at her. She had wiped away her tears, but her eyes were shining with more. "What's wrong with me? No one else has any idea. I just- It's like I'm-" She made a wordless noise of annoyance and dashed away more tears. "I just don't feel whole anymore. It's like something inside me broke, and I don't know where all the pieces went." She glanced up at him, eyes pleading. "What's wrong with me? How can I fix it?"
"It's like something inside me broke, and I don't know where all the pieces went."
Kyp stared at her, heart plummeting. It hadn't worked. He had tried to stay away from her, he had tried to keep her safe from his tainted influence, and it hadn't worked. No matter how hard he tried, whatever he cared for always ended up broken. He had worked so hard to keep it from her, and yet . . .
"I'm sorry," he said, voice hoarse. He reached out a hand and very carefully brushed away one of her tears. Her skin was soft and damp, and he ached to do more than just barely touch it with his fingertips. But he couldn't risk it. If merely loving her from a distance had caused her pain, what would his touch do to her? "It's all my fault, and I'm sorry. I tried not to."
-----
Confused, Jaina stared up at her former Master. "What?" she asked.
His thumb swept away another tear; his rough hands were gentle, as if he didn't quite trust himself not to break her by touching her. "I'm sorry," he said, and he sounded serious. His fingers trailed a path down her cheek before he dropped his hand. "It's my fault."
She gave a watery laugh. "How can this be your fault?" she asked. "If it's anyone's, it's mine."
"No," he said, cutting her off. "It's mine."
A little shiver ran though Jaina. Kyp had gone from concern to something near anger- his eyes were now dark and intense, his strong face set. "How?" she asked again.
"Everything I touch somehow goes wrong," he said, very simply. "Everything I want to work somehow breaks." He lifted his hand, like he was going to touch her face again, but he quickly pulled it back to his side. "I'm sorry. I didn't want it to reach you." He turned away from her in a swift movement and slammed a fist against the wall. "Shavit, I didn't want it to hurt you!"
The despair in his voice had her coming forward. She reached up and put a hand on his shoulder. "Kyp, look at me." Muscles bunched under her hand, but the Jedi Master refused to turn around. "Kyp."
"Go away, Goddess," he said, still leaning against the wall. "Don't risk being with me longer than you have to."
He suddenly sounded old. Jaina frowned- he was sixteen years older than her, but never before had that ever seemed an issue between them. Now she could see the silver twining through his black hair, the small wrinkles at the corner of his eyes. It only made her more determined.
"Kyp, look at me." She tugged at his shoulder; when he didn't respond, she slid her hand down his arm- muscles flickered under her palm along the way- and nestled it into his larger hand. He held her hand tightly, then tried to loosen his grip and shake her free. She didn't let him. "Kyp, it can't be your fault," she said. "You couldn't have done anything to me- you weren't even here."
"And it didn't help, did it?" Abruptly, he turned back to her, her hand now trapped firmly within his, his eyes so intent upon hers that she involuntarily backed up a step. "I kept away, hoping that the one thing that mattered wouldn't be touched, and look what happened to you. It didn't work. The one thing that's important and it didn't work."
Jaina raised her other hand- to ward him off, to comfort- she didn't know, and her hand wavered and dropped. "Kyp, it's within me. Whatever it is. It can't be your fault." He opened his mouth to argue with her and she shook her head. "It can't be. But what's wrong with me? If you think it's your fault, you should at least know that."
-----
It was like living a nightmare. "I break things," Kyp said flatly. "Whatever I want to keep safe, I manage to shatter. Whatever I love, I hurt. Whatever's important, I destroy. I thought if I just stayed away from you, if I just managed to leave you alone, I wouldn't be able to hurt you." He felt a smile twist its way onto his face. "But I guess I'm stronger than I thought and it didn't help."
Jaina still looked confused. He lifted her hand in his and stared at their entwined hands. His were larger, scarred and rough; her fingers were slender, just as scarred, and somehow very small and delicate lying next to his. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with you. All I know is that it's somehow my fault, and I'm sorry. I didn't want it to happen."
"Kyp, that can't be right."
He raised his eyes from her hand, and they were haunted. He dropped her hand as though it burned. "No?"
"No." Her voice was quiet, calm.
He laughed bitterly. "And what do you know about it, Goddess? Look at what I've done. Look at what's happened everywhere I go."
She couldn't hold back the tears anymore. "And so you leave me alone to deal with this and go off to brood? Sithspawn, Durron, couldn't you have even tried to help?"
Her tears upset him, but he shot back a retort. "And if I stayed you'd be worse- look what happened when I left!"
-----
. . . happened when I left . .
Something clicked into place. The tears stopped; Jaina blinked and seemed to see the man before her for the first time.
"When you left," she repeated, dazed.
"Yes, when I left!" he snapped back. "I didn't want you to be hurt and so I left. I thought you would be safe. I thought you wouldn't be hurt."
Jaina looked up at him. He was as close to furious as she had ever seen him- not angry with her, but angry with himself for whatever he had somehow done to her. But something inside her fluttered; something in that void stirred and began to rise, as though some part of her that had been offline was starting to fire up again.
It made no sense and yet it made perfect sense.
She realized that she hadn't responded, that he was still staring down at her with that curious mix of anger and guilt threading through his senses. Instead of speaking, Jaina took a step forward. "Kyp?" she questioned softly.
"I'm sorry, Goddess. I didn't want this to happen." He sounded defeated.
"You left," she repeated again, coming closer. She slipped her arms around his waist and nestled against his chest. Beneath her cheek, she could hear his heart beating, could feel his muscles tense as she hugged him.
Kyp hesitated, but briefly. His arms went around her and she was suddenly crushed tight against him; she tightened her grip and savored the feel of being held. "Jaina," Kyp whispered into her hair.
It felt right. It felt like the pieces were collecting, reassembling themselves.
She reached for him through the Force, offered him that spectral hand that would link them.
-----
Kyp accepted the link before he had really thought about it. Having Jaina in his arms, feeling her pressed close to him, had shattered his carefully created control. The bond swelled up between them, and Jaina was no longer weak and dim in through the Force.
Surprised, he reached deeper, reached further towards her. Her joy seemed to overflow, brimming out into the link.
"Don't leave again," Jaina said into his shirt. "I need you here with me."
It hurt to deny her, but he had to. "I can't stay," he said, though he didn't- couldn't- release her. "I can't hurt you more."
She pulled back just enough to look at him. "You hurt me by leaving!" she cried. "Without you I'm-" she glared at his chest while she struggled for the right words, and then lifted her brown eyes back up to his- ". . . broken."
Hope blossomed somewhere within him. He moved one hand and pressed it against her face. "Jaina, I don't want to lose you. I don't want to make you break."
Her hand settled over his, warm and light. "I'm already broken," she whispered. "I need you to make me whole again."
He sensed the truth of her words, felt the honesty through their link. Hope flared bright within him, flourishing from her confession. But still he hesitated.
"Please," Jaina begged, tears in her voice. "Don't leave me again. I need you."
Kyp was fighting within himself. Years of experience shouted at him to leave, to let her survive alone, without his taint. It was hard to go against them, hard to believe that she was different. But he ignored the voices wailing that this would only hurt her, hurt him, somehow destroy everything he wanted and dreamed of, and framed Jaina's face in his hands and kissed her.
------
Kyp's hands slid from her face into her tattered braid, stroking her hair. Jaina closed her eyes and leaned against him, pouring herself into the kiss.
It felt right. The void was shrinking, vanishing into nothing, filled with Kyp's presence. He reluctantly lifted his head and looked down at her, green eyes darker and shining bright.
Before he could speak, she pressed herself against him. His arms locked around her once more. "Don't leave me," she pleaded. "Don't break me again."
"I won't," he promised. His voice sounded deeper, strange and comforting, with her ear pressed against his chest. "Never again."
"You were right, though," she said, and felt him tense. A smile spread slowly across her face, and she couldn't contain her laughter. "It was your fault."
------
Kyp felt her shaking with laughter in his arms, and was astonished to find that he was smiling himself. "I told you so." He stroked the remains of her braid with one hand.
"I don't ever want to feel that empty again."
"I don't ever want to leave you alone again," he told her honestly. He shut his eyes and rested his head against hers. "You matter, Goddess. I don't want to hurt you."
"You won't. Not if you stay."
He smiled without opening his eyes. "I'm not going anywhere."
He didn't move for a long while, content to have her finally in his arms. But eventually his arms loosened, and they stepped back and looked at each other once more.
"Thanks," Jaina said after a minute of simply watching him.
He lifted her hand to his lips before he released it. "Anything for a Goddess."
Her smile sprang forth in all its glory- the real smile, not the ghost of it he had seen earlier. "I told you, I haven't been a goddess in years."
"Habit," Kyp said, and tucked a strand of her hair back behind her ear. "I don't think I'll ever be able to break it."
"You always were stubborn."
At that, he grinned. "Yeah. Pretty much."
Her commlink clicked, and she pulled it from her robes. "General Solo," she identified herself.
"General, the Millennium Falcon has received permission to dock in Bay 19," an anonymous controller's voice told her. "You requested to be notified."
"Thank you, Ensign," she said. "Please pass along the information to Master Skywalker."
"Yes, sir," the controller answered.
Jaina replaced the commlink and glanced up at Kyp. "Want to come along, Durron?"
He grinned. "A chance to see Han as a grandfather? Do you think I could pass this opportunity up?"
They made their way out of the conference room. "Don't dare call him 'grandpa' to his face," Jaina advised. "I don't think he's quite forgiven Jacen for making him feel that old yet."
Kyp snickered. Jaina knew the ship's corridors well, and led them down to the docking bays.
The Falcon was completing her landing cycle. Jaina and Kyp paused a safe distance away, waiting. The landing ramp extended- slowly.
"Broken again," Jaina murmured, a smile on her face. Behind her, her aunt and uncle appeared, Luke carrying an obviously sleepy Ben. Just before the landing ramp touched the bay floor, Jaina glanced up at Kyp. "I'm glad you're back, Kyp," she said simply. "I've missed you- I've missed this."
His smile was slow and easy. Gone were the polite strangers they had started as a half hour earlier; here was the easy friendship, the flirting bantering that they had grown into before he had cut himself out of the picture.
"I won't let you break," he promised her as her family began to disembark the Falcon. "I'm not going to leave."
She looked towards her parents, who were the first off the Falcon, and her smile sprang to life. "You break things and I'm broken without you," she murmured. "I think that's fitting."
He chuckled. "Good thing you were always good with fixing things, Goddess. It's going to be an interesting ride."
Jaina grinned up at him. "Did you expect anything less?" And with that she turned away to greet her family.
And Kyp stood back and watched her hug her parents and greet her twin, pulling her nephew from his mother's arms to give him a swinging hug that had him shrieking with laughter. It was familiar, standing back, away from the group, eyes focused only on Jaina.
But this time, he was smiling.
~~
Reviews make my day! Tell me what you think I did well or horribly. I appreciate constructive criticism and honest appraisals…
Thanks!
-Keth
~