~"Is It Better To Have Loved And Have Lost Then To Not Have Loved At All?"~
Disclaimer: We Do NOT own Lily, James, Severus, Remus, or dear Sirius.or any other people that J.K. Rowling created.We do, however, own the plot.
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".and then, aww Lils, you should have seen him! He went straight for the ground, and he missed the snitch by an inch! An inch, I'm telling you it was crazy!"
"Sorry I couldn't be there, James. I was looking after your owl, and cleaning up around our house.by myself!" Lily muttered, as she stormed into the kitchen, disgusted. This wasn't the first time she'd had to put up with James' ignorance. Sure, he loved quidditch, but lately it had seemed to take over his life. It had taken priority over her, and even his job. And she had had enough.
"I'm going out, James!" she called, as she ran upstairs to pull on some of her dress robes.
"Where're you going, Lils?" James called up from the living room, somewhat distractedly.
Lily groaned. She hadn't counted on him being sensitive enough to even bother to ask where she was going. "Um. the market?"
"This late?"
"Yes, we've run out of milk and eggs! If Remus and Siri are coming over for diner tomorrow, I need to bake something!" That should be a good enough excuse. She actually had no intention of going to the market, but she didn't have any idea of where else to go, either.
"Fine, then. When do you expect to be back?"
James? Caring? Had he been drugged, she wondered? This was the man she had hopped to be marrying, not the one she actually had stood on the Alter with. "Not sure, really."she replied.
"Ok, then. I'll see you when you get back.then we can get it on!"
Ugh, yes, that was the James she was used to. Why couldn't he grow up? "We'll see." she said sweetly, rolling her eyes, as she stepped out the door.
The night air was a lot colder than she had imagined. She walked towards the dirt road of Godric's Hollow. Where would she go now? No one that she knew of lived around here. If she apparated, she could go visit Remus or Sirius.but they would ask James why she wasn't with him the next time he saw them. They were such loyal friends.friends that James didn't deserve, in Lily's opinion. So she decided to walk. And think. Maybe that would clear her head.
Another graduate of Hogwarts had similar ideas that evening, except he wasn't running from ignorant spouses. God, he'd have to be damned before he married. He was running from his shadow, his dark past, which seemed darker each day that he worked against it. And so he too walked.
Lily walked, dragging her feet against the rough ground, counting the pebbles as she went. Two hundred seventy-eight, two hundred seventy-nine, black shoes. *BAM*. Lily reeled backwards, her hair flew in every direction, as she tried to steady herself, muttering an apology, she tried to continue on her way, but an arm reached out, and pulled her back.
"Evans!?" a curious voice asked. Suddenly he remembered, placing the familiar sneer back into his voice, he abruptly pulled his arm free, none too gently. "Or is it Potter, now?" he smirked.
"It's Potter" she sighed, and looked up. She gasped. "Severus!?" She hadn't seen him in years. His hair was longish, but not greasy, as it had appeared in school. It was almost, silky. His facial features hadn't changed, eyes to match coal. And his nose was still slightly crooked, though from what, she couldn't say. His actual face seemed fuller, although he was still thin. A head taller than her, he had definitely been working out! His once sticklike frame had been filled out with muscle. This was not the seventeen year old she remembered from graduation.
"What?"
Well, his attitude certainly hadn't changed. "Nothing. You just look.different."
"Yeah, you too" he pulled gently at a lock of her hair "Your hair used to be brighter." he said coolly. He watched her face closely, as she blushed. In reality, he thought she looked quite stunning. Her hair had not faded, and didn't look as though she had aged a day since that final afternoon at Hogwarts. No, she definitely hadn't changed, her eyes still managed to captivate him, even when he tried not to look at her. If it hadn't been for Potter, he might have had a chance. She hadn't seemed to hate him like the others. No matter how much of an arrogant bastard he'd been, she'd always put up with him. Her patience was amazing. So was she.
"Well, maybe not as changed as I thought you were," she replied, with a small bite of annoyance that her compliment hadn't been returned. "For God's sake, Severus! You don't have to act like the self-centered jerk you were in school. Malfoy isn't around to see you be civil to me, and I know you don't hate me that much!"
"You're right". He hadn't been one to let up easily, but tonight, it seemed like the right thing to do. "I don't hate you." He sighed. "And you were right about Lucius too. Damn it, Lily, you were right about everything.".
"What do you mean, everything?" Lily questioned. She regarded him suspiciously.
"I mean everything.except for Potter."
Now it was Lily's turn to sigh. "Lately, I'm starting to think that, too."
What!? What?! His brain was screaming to him. Lily and James had always been the school sweethearts, as soon as Lily had given James the chance. He'd always thought they were perfectly happy.not that he hadn't expected Potter to fuck it up. Lily had always deserved better. She still did, apparently, if she was still hear, in front of him, watching him think to himself. Damn, she was still standing there, wasn't she? "What do you mean?" he asked, his voice more gentle then it had ever been, as far as he could recall.
"Nothing...well, something." This was harder than she had thought it would be. She looked up at him. He watched her silently battle with her thoughts, patient.
"If you don't want to talk about it." He let the question fall. He was giving her a way out. She seemed grateful for it.
"Yes, I'd rather not, actually."
An awkward silence fell.
"What are you doing here, anyway?" Lily wondered.
He welcomed the start to a new conversation. He hated the silence. He'd had to live with it forever. "I've just moved into a flat not that far from here. I'm still settling in."
"How far from here?" It was freezing, and if it was close by.
"A couple of blocks that way." He indicated with his hand, casually. "Would you like to come in for some coffee?" His pulse picked up, he wanted her to say 'yes' so badly, but he couldn't expect that. She was married, after all. Still.
Lily smiled. She couldn't believe Severus Snape had the courage to ask her in. Or the heart for that matter, she thought to herself. But why not? There wasn't any harm in just going for coffee. "That would be wonderful, Severus."
Had she just said yes? His heart beat even faster, and he prayed silently she couldn't hear it. He suddenly hoped he actually had coffee at home. But that wasn't important, not really. He smiled, and for once, it didn't feel strained or fake. "Why don't we apparate? It will save us the walk." he suggested. He offered his arm. She took it, grasping his cloak. His heart skipped a beat, and with a crack they disappeared.
The flat was nicely furnished, but simple. It had the definite
feel of a bachelors' pad. The design was basic, but well adjusted to
fit the owners' needs. A living area, a bathroom, connecting to the
bedroom, a kitchen, and an extra room to act as a small potions lab,
as well as to store his magical belongings. It was all very clean, and
organized, a quality she had only witnessed in one other home that
wasn't under her control. Remus'.
Her thoughts were interrupted by Severus. "May I take your
cloak?" he offered, holding out a hand.
His manners impressed her. He wasn't the typical male of 20
years. "Of course, thank you." She said graciously, and passed her
traveling cloak to him. He noticed her dress robes. "We're a little
dressed up for a walk down the road, aren't we?"
Lily blushed. "I-I just grabbed the f-first thing out of my c-
closet." she stuttered, lying badly.
He raised a politely skeptical eyebrow, as he hung up her cloak.
"I'm sure.." he smiled, almost playfully.
This was an entirely different person. This couldn't be Severus.
She was still getting over how charming he was. Not that it was a bad
thing.
"Right then, " he said, recovering from her stare first.
"Coffee". He turned to the kitchen, while she sat on the love seat in
the living room. "Make yourself at home!" he called over his shoulder,
and paused to watch her. She was so beautiful. But she wasn't his, and
never would be, so there was no point in pretending it could ever be
any other way. He went back to making coffee.
As Lily sat, her thoughts were not on the room, or the house, or
even what James would say when she got home without eggs or milk, but
Severus. Why hadn't she seen this side of him before? Where had this
version of the once miserable Slytherin been when James had been vying
for her attention? When he had asked her out? When he had proposed? Oh
well. It wasn't debatable now. She was married, and there wasn't
anything she could do about it.no matter how much she wanted to.
"Do you take cream or sugar?" The voice was in her ear, and she
jumped when she realized he was not even a foot away.
"Um.both, please." She said.
"Ok," he said, setting down a tray with a china coffee pot, and two
cups to match. There were also a small pot of cream, and another of
sugar. He proceeded to pour the coffee, and handed her a cup. Lily
took a sip. "Perfect."
Yes, you are, he thought. "Good. Now, tell me what I've missed these
last few years?"
Their conversations roamed far and wide over the next few hours. It
was almost twelve thirty when the topic of James came up again.
".and he never pays any attention to me." she could feel her face
getting hot, and a tear rolled down her cheek. Lily gazed down into
her empty cup, and set it down. A gentle hand lifted her chin, and
wiped away the tear.
"How can he not?" Severus whispered. He pulled her softly into his
arms, and the tears flowed freely now. She shook slightly, trying not
to sob into his shoulder. Once she had calmed down, he looked into her
eyes. He couldn't look away, not now. She met his gaze, and nodded
ever so slightly, as she raised her head, and kissed him softly. He
returned the kiss, and pulled her closer. They struggled to stand,
still kissing, as he led her towards the bedroom at the end of the
hall. Softly the door fell shut softly.
***
It was eleven am when an exhausted Lily apparated onto her own bed,
grinning to herself. James wasn't there. Odd, she thought, but then,
she didn't exactly care either. Nothing, not even James could bring
her down today. In fact, she thought, maybe I'll just sit here until
he decides to get his lazy ass upstairs to see if I'm even home.
After a few hours, however, Lily became genuinely worried. Even if he
was a terrible lover (let's face it, she'd had better.now) and
insensitive, he was her husband. She sighed, and headed downstairs.
There was James, sprawled out across the floor, an empty bottle of
fire whisky in his hand, half of it spilt over the carpet. Other
similar bottles were strewn over the floor, and couch.
You would never see this kind of mess at.no, she wouldn't think about
it. If she did, she would want to go back, and be with someone who
actually loved her.
As she cleaned up the bottles, James awoke. " Morning, Lils." he
mumbled. Lily shook her head in disgust. "Some night, huh?".
Lily froze. How could he possibly know? Then she realized that he must
think she had been here. She decided to play along. " 'mazing." she
answered without any enthusiasm.
"Yeah, it was, wasn't it?" He stumbled to his feet. "I'm gonna take a
nap, and then I guess I'll head over to Siri's." James walked up the
stairs, crashing into walls every-so-often, and fumbling with the
doorknob for a few moments before falling onto the bed, already
asleep.
Below, Lily finished cleaning up the mess on her carpet, and sat in
the over-stuffed armchair in the corner. As she gazed out the window,
she couldn't help but think of the one person who truly cared about
her, and who she could never be with. Severus.
Nine months later, on July 31st, Lily had her son, Harry. James had
been much more attentive when he found out that Lily was going to have
a baby. He was thrilled to be a father. A few days after the birth, he
had rushed to his parents with the good news, and promised to return
later that evening.
It was because of this that Lily was surprised to hear a knock on the
door early in the afternoon. She opened the door, to find someone she
hadn't laid eyes on in what seemed an eternity. "W-Won't you come in?"
she asked politely, incase the Prewitts were listening.
"Thank you" Severus replied, stepping into the foyer. The two of them
smiled at each other, and shared a quick kiss. "Would you like to see
him?" she asked.
"Of course." he smiled, and Lily knew he was pleased.
When she brought him out, she passed him to Severus. "Harry," she
said, smiling at the days old infant, "this is your father."
Severus turned to look at Lily. "You know, "he said softly, "he has
your eyes."
End of Part 1 (R&R)
Disclaimer: We Do NOT own Lily, James, Severus, Remus, or dear Sirius.or any other people that J.K. Rowling created.We do, however, own the plot.
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".and then, aww Lils, you should have seen him! He went straight for the ground, and he missed the snitch by an inch! An inch, I'm telling you it was crazy!"
"Sorry I couldn't be there, James. I was looking after your owl, and cleaning up around our house.by myself!" Lily muttered, as she stormed into the kitchen, disgusted. This wasn't the first time she'd had to put up with James' ignorance. Sure, he loved quidditch, but lately it had seemed to take over his life. It had taken priority over her, and even his job. And she had had enough.
"I'm going out, James!" she called, as she ran upstairs to pull on some of her dress robes.
"Where're you going, Lils?" James called up from the living room, somewhat distractedly.
Lily groaned. She hadn't counted on him being sensitive enough to even bother to ask where she was going. "Um. the market?"
"This late?"
"Yes, we've run out of milk and eggs! If Remus and Siri are coming over for diner tomorrow, I need to bake something!" That should be a good enough excuse. She actually had no intention of going to the market, but she didn't have any idea of where else to go, either.
"Fine, then. When do you expect to be back?"
James? Caring? Had he been drugged, she wondered? This was the man she had hopped to be marrying, not the one she actually had stood on the Alter with. "Not sure, really."she replied.
"Ok, then. I'll see you when you get back.then we can get it on!"
Ugh, yes, that was the James she was used to. Why couldn't he grow up? "We'll see." she said sweetly, rolling her eyes, as she stepped out the door.
The night air was a lot colder than she had imagined. She walked towards the dirt road of Godric's Hollow. Where would she go now? No one that she knew of lived around here. If she apparated, she could go visit Remus or Sirius.but they would ask James why she wasn't with him the next time he saw them. They were such loyal friends.friends that James didn't deserve, in Lily's opinion. So she decided to walk. And think. Maybe that would clear her head.
Another graduate of Hogwarts had similar ideas that evening, except he wasn't running from ignorant spouses. God, he'd have to be damned before he married. He was running from his shadow, his dark past, which seemed darker each day that he worked against it. And so he too walked.
Lily walked, dragging her feet against the rough ground, counting the pebbles as she went. Two hundred seventy-eight, two hundred seventy-nine, black shoes. *BAM*. Lily reeled backwards, her hair flew in every direction, as she tried to steady herself, muttering an apology, she tried to continue on her way, but an arm reached out, and pulled her back.
"Evans!?" a curious voice asked. Suddenly he remembered, placing the familiar sneer back into his voice, he abruptly pulled his arm free, none too gently. "Or is it Potter, now?" he smirked.
"It's Potter" she sighed, and looked up. She gasped. "Severus!?" She hadn't seen him in years. His hair was longish, but not greasy, as it had appeared in school. It was almost, silky. His facial features hadn't changed, eyes to match coal. And his nose was still slightly crooked, though from what, she couldn't say. His actual face seemed fuller, although he was still thin. A head taller than her, he had definitely been working out! His once sticklike frame had been filled out with muscle. This was not the seventeen year old she remembered from graduation.
"What?"
Well, his attitude certainly hadn't changed. "Nothing. You just look.different."
"Yeah, you too" he pulled gently at a lock of her hair "Your hair used to be brighter." he said coolly. He watched her face closely, as she blushed. In reality, he thought she looked quite stunning. Her hair had not faded, and didn't look as though she had aged a day since that final afternoon at Hogwarts. No, she definitely hadn't changed, her eyes still managed to captivate him, even when he tried not to look at her. If it hadn't been for Potter, he might have had a chance. She hadn't seemed to hate him like the others. No matter how much of an arrogant bastard he'd been, she'd always put up with him. Her patience was amazing. So was she.
"Well, maybe not as changed as I thought you were," she replied, with a small bite of annoyance that her compliment hadn't been returned. "For God's sake, Severus! You don't have to act like the self-centered jerk you were in school. Malfoy isn't around to see you be civil to me, and I know you don't hate me that much!"
"You're right". He hadn't been one to let up easily, but tonight, it seemed like the right thing to do. "I don't hate you." He sighed. "And you were right about Lucius too. Damn it, Lily, you were right about everything.".
"What do you mean, everything?" Lily questioned. She regarded him suspiciously.
"I mean everything.except for Potter."
Now it was Lily's turn to sigh. "Lately, I'm starting to think that, too."
What!? What?! His brain was screaming to him. Lily and James had always been the school sweethearts, as soon as Lily had given James the chance. He'd always thought they were perfectly happy.not that he hadn't expected Potter to fuck it up. Lily had always deserved better. She still did, apparently, if she was still hear, in front of him, watching him think to himself. Damn, she was still standing there, wasn't she? "What do you mean?" he asked, his voice more gentle then it had ever been, as far as he could recall.
"Nothing...well, something." This was harder than she had thought it would be. She looked up at him. He watched her silently battle with her thoughts, patient.
"If you don't want to talk about it." He let the question fall. He was giving her a way out. She seemed grateful for it.
"Yes, I'd rather not, actually."
An awkward silence fell.
"What are you doing here, anyway?" Lily wondered.
He welcomed the start to a new conversation. He hated the silence. He'd had to live with it forever. "I've just moved into a flat not that far from here. I'm still settling in."
"How far from here?" It was freezing, and if it was close by.
"A couple of blocks that way." He indicated with his hand, casually. "Would you like to come in for some coffee?" His pulse picked up, he wanted her to say 'yes' so badly, but he couldn't expect that. She was married, after all. Still.
Lily smiled. She couldn't believe Severus Snape had the courage to ask her in. Or the heart for that matter, she thought to herself. But why not? There wasn't any harm in just going for coffee. "That would be wonderful, Severus."
Had she just said yes? His heart beat even faster, and he prayed silently she couldn't hear it. He suddenly hoped he actually had coffee at home. But that wasn't important, not really. He smiled, and for once, it didn't feel strained or fake. "Why don't we apparate? It will save us the walk." he suggested. He offered his arm. She took it, grasping his cloak. His heart skipped a beat, and with a crack they disappeared.
The flat was nicely furnished, but simple. It had the definite
feel of a bachelors' pad. The design was basic, but well adjusted to
fit the owners' needs. A living area, a bathroom, connecting to the
bedroom, a kitchen, and an extra room to act as a small potions lab,
as well as to store his magical belongings. It was all very clean, and
organized, a quality she had only witnessed in one other home that
wasn't under her control. Remus'.
Her thoughts were interrupted by Severus. "May I take your
cloak?" he offered, holding out a hand.
His manners impressed her. He wasn't the typical male of 20
years. "Of course, thank you." She said graciously, and passed her
traveling cloak to him. He noticed her dress robes. "We're a little
dressed up for a walk down the road, aren't we?"
Lily blushed. "I-I just grabbed the f-first thing out of my c-
closet." she stuttered, lying badly.
He raised a politely skeptical eyebrow, as he hung up her cloak.
"I'm sure.." he smiled, almost playfully.
This was an entirely different person. This couldn't be Severus.
She was still getting over how charming he was. Not that it was a bad
thing.
"Right then, " he said, recovering from her stare first.
"Coffee". He turned to the kitchen, while she sat on the love seat in
the living room. "Make yourself at home!" he called over his shoulder,
and paused to watch her. She was so beautiful. But she wasn't his, and
never would be, so there was no point in pretending it could ever be
any other way. He went back to making coffee.
As Lily sat, her thoughts were not on the room, or the house, or
even what James would say when she got home without eggs or milk, but
Severus. Why hadn't she seen this side of him before? Where had this
version of the once miserable Slytherin been when James had been vying
for her attention? When he had asked her out? When he had proposed? Oh
well. It wasn't debatable now. She was married, and there wasn't
anything she could do about it.no matter how much she wanted to.
"Do you take cream or sugar?" The voice was in her ear, and she
jumped when she realized he was not even a foot away.
"Um.both, please." She said.
"Ok," he said, setting down a tray with a china coffee pot, and two
cups to match. There were also a small pot of cream, and another of
sugar. He proceeded to pour the coffee, and handed her a cup. Lily
took a sip. "Perfect."
Yes, you are, he thought. "Good. Now, tell me what I've missed these
last few years?"
Their conversations roamed far and wide over the next few hours. It
was almost twelve thirty when the topic of James came up again.
".and he never pays any attention to me." she could feel her face
getting hot, and a tear rolled down her cheek. Lily gazed down into
her empty cup, and set it down. A gentle hand lifted her chin, and
wiped away the tear.
"How can he not?" Severus whispered. He pulled her softly into his
arms, and the tears flowed freely now. She shook slightly, trying not
to sob into his shoulder. Once she had calmed down, he looked into her
eyes. He couldn't look away, not now. She met his gaze, and nodded
ever so slightly, as she raised her head, and kissed him softly. He
returned the kiss, and pulled her closer. They struggled to stand,
still kissing, as he led her towards the bedroom at the end of the
hall. Softly the door fell shut softly.
***
It was eleven am when an exhausted Lily apparated onto her own bed,
grinning to herself. James wasn't there. Odd, she thought, but then,
she didn't exactly care either. Nothing, not even James could bring
her down today. In fact, she thought, maybe I'll just sit here until
he decides to get his lazy ass upstairs to see if I'm even home.
After a few hours, however, Lily became genuinely worried. Even if he
was a terrible lover (let's face it, she'd had better.now) and
insensitive, he was her husband. She sighed, and headed downstairs.
There was James, sprawled out across the floor, an empty bottle of
fire whisky in his hand, half of it spilt over the carpet. Other
similar bottles were strewn over the floor, and couch.
You would never see this kind of mess at.no, she wouldn't think about
it. If she did, she would want to go back, and be with someone who
actually loved her.
As she cleaned up the bottles, James awoke. " Morning, Lils." he
mumbled. Lily shook her head in disgust. "Some night, huh?".
Lily froze. How could he possibly know? Then she realized that he must
think she had been here. She decided to play along. " 'mazing." she
answered without any enthusiasm.
"Yeah, it was, wasn't it?" He stumbled to his feet. "I'm gonna take a
nap, and then I guess I'll head over to Siri's." James walked up the
stairs, crashing into walls every-so-often, and fumbling with the
doorknob for a few moments before falling onto the bed, already
asleep.
Below, Lily finished cleaning up the mess on her carpet, and sat in
the over-stuffed armchair in the corner. As she gazed out the window,
she couldn't help but think of the one person who truly cared about
her, and who she could never be with. Severus.
Nine months later, on July 31st, Lily had her son, Harry. James had
been much more attentive when he found out that Lily was going to have
a baby. He was thrilled to be a father. A few days after the birth, he
had rushed to his parents with the good news, and promised to return
later that evening.
It was because of this that Lily was surprised to hear a knock on the
door early in the afternoon. She opened the door, to find someone she
hadn't laid eyes on in what seemed an eternity. "W-Won't you come in?"
she asked politely, incase the Prewitts were listening.
"Thank you" Severus replied, stepping into the foyer. The two of them
smiled at each other, and shared a quick kiss. "Would you like to see
him?" she asked.
"Of course." he smiled, and Lily knew he was pleased.
When she brought him out, she passed him to Severus. "Harry," she
said, smiling at the days old infant, "this is your father."
Severus turned to look at Lily. "You know, "he said softly, "he has
your eyes."
End of Part 1 (R&R)