Chapter Two: No Place Like Home

Peering out from a cracked door, two sets of crimson eyes gazed at the familiar faces in the living room, both of which were scarlet with fury. One of the males, a casually dressed blond, was apparently pissed enough to attempt murder. His hands were clamped around a brunet's neck, shaking the hell out of him while shouting obscenities that even a drunk would be too embarrassed to vocalize.

"You fruity prick!" yelled the honey-haired boy savagely, "I should tear ya clothes off right here and slap a dress on your gay ass!"

"Yeah, well that's the only way you'd ever be able to see someone naked!" the brown-headed person fired back, struggling to get free from his rival's grip. For a dim-witted Chihuahua, Wheeler could pack a pretty good wallop when he wanted to. Kaiba's fingers clawed at Jounouchi's palms, scratching the amber-eyed teen as hard as he could while clenching his teeth together.

"Goes ta show for how much you know, ya illiterate loser!"

"Whatever, you virgin!" snapped the executive. Sticking his visage right in front of Katsuya's, he spit, "You'd have to screw a sheep just to get any!"

"At least I don't practice with my duel monsters ta get experience!" sneered the other individual, licking his lips with exaggerated sensuality.

Seto's countenance turned a bright wine color, almost resembling a slight shade of violet. "I wouldn't go there if I were you." he warned in a deadly tone, his blue orbs flashing with malice.

"Why not?" questioned Joey, his voice sardonic. "Ya weren't that big of a disappointment to them, were ya?"

"I mean it, Jou! Cut the crap or--"

"Or what? You'll give me the five-star treatment like ya gave your Blue Eyes?" asked the slang sweetheart snidely; delighting in the CEO's raised colored cheeks. Just for the fun of it, he closed his eyes, puckered his lips, and made noisy kissing sounds. "Oh, yes!" cried Wheeler; imitating how he imagined Kaiba and his deck of cards would go at it. "Work that White Lightening Attack on me harder! C'mon, baby! Get my battle strategies flowin'!"

"Shut up!" bellowed the billionaire, "Just shut your freaking trap already!"

Instead of being silenced by the hostile dialogue, Jounouchi was actually more encouraged to carry out his outrageous behavior. Taking one of his hands off of his target's body, he shot the brunet an evil smile, closed his fingers into a semi-fist, then rapidly moved his arm up and down in a rather sophisticated jacking-off motion. To enrage the executive further, he bounced energetically in his current position, all while keeping perfect rhythm with his limb.

"I WOULD NOT SLEEP WITH MY BLUE EYES!" raged the brown-headed teen, thrashing wildly underneath Joey's build.

"Fine then." snorted Katsuya, "I didn't think ya would anyways."

Knitting his brow together in momentary confusion, the millionaire blinked. "Honestly?" he asked inquisitively.

"Naw, I see ya with someone else." replied the blond, the wicked smirk still smeared across his lips like devil's chocolate icing.

"Like who?"

Jou shrugged mysteriously. "I dunno--"

"Tell me!" demanded the dark-haired individual. "And it better not be that kindergartener Yugi, either!" he warned, his sapphire orbs flaring dangerously. "I'm no pedophile!"

The red eyes hidden by the door grew small at the insulting remark, clearly disgruntled by what was said.

"A course ya aren't." smiled Wheeler knowingly. "I've got a primo mate for ya in my head!" Grinning wildly, he added, "They can even be as ugly, stupid, self-centered, self-delusional as--"

"Tell me, damnit!" demanded Seto furiously. "I don't want to listen to your idiotic remarks all day!"

"And that's why I think the Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon is perfect for ya!" exclaimed Joey amplified happiness. Watching Kaiba's face go from pink to red, he roared with laughter, barely choking out the phrase, "See? It'd be a match made in heaven!"

"FUCK YOU, JOUNOUCHI KATSUYA!" snarled the executive, losing his cool at last. As if he was declaring war on another territory, he screamed, "YOUR ASS IS MINE, YOU DEMENTED CREEP! YOUR ASS IS MINE!"

"You'd like a piece a me?" asked Wheeler innocently, a wide, stupid smile plastered across his lips. In a falsely apologetic tone, he said, "Sorry, man, but I'm straight! This here is allll mine!" he proclaimed, sticking his round behind at his enemy while smacking it firmly.

Shaking his head curtly, the businessman dusted himself off, cracked his knuckles, then commenced to grabbing the smart asses' locks. Fisting the sun splashed strands; the brunet tossed Jou to the carpet, leapt on top of the teenager, and repeated what the barking butt did to him for chowing a Strawberry Starburst.

Sighing heavy-heartedly, the millennium spirit backed away from the rough play. Using the flat of his palm, he gently closed the door to the kitchen, grimacing as he heard a sharp slap echo inside his head. "Will they ever stop fighting?"

"I know just how you feel," comforted the shorter version of the King of Games, "they have me wondering where the love is all the time. I just wish they could find some common ground and make up."

Placing his fingers by his temple, Yami nodded quickly. "Same here." he replied, closing his eyes in exhaustion. "I can't even sleep in when those two are in this place." He glared darkly at the entrance to the kitchen while suppressing a yawn. "Who the hell invited Kaiba here, anyways?"

Shoving his palms out towards his puzzle spirit, Yugi wiggled his hands back and forth and said, "Don't look at me, I just live here."

Pharaoh raised a curious brow. "You don't have a say-so about who stays in your own house?"

"Uh-uh," answered the smaller male, moving his head from side to side, "that's Grandpa's department."

"Then why would he let Jerk Junior sleep here?"

"Beats me." the younger boy sighed wearily, "Maybe he wants to merge the Game Shop's sales with KaibaCorp.'s."

"Is your business that desperate for sales?"

"Spirit!" gasped the high schooler with mock astonishment. Playfully, he slapped the shoulder of his older counterpart, smiling up at his ageless friend with wide red violet orbs. "How could you say such a thing?"

"With the components of my mouth." answered the taller male, still half-asleep and wobbling on his feet.

Yugi rolled his eyes. "I didn't mean literally, you know."

"Huh, I meant it that way."

"But it was rhetorical! Do you understand what that implies?"

Instead of replying, the ruby-eyed person stood where he was, quiet and motionless.

"Well, Aibou, do you?"

"Is that rhetorical?" inquired the other teen, a hint of a grin stretching his lips upward.

"Oh, you--!" Shooting Yugioh a frustrated glance, the adolescent prepared himself for an amusing word battle, but decided against it after taking in his comrade's features. Pharaoh's face was drawn and worn out, with dark circles underneath his normally animated eyes and limp strands of hair hanging beside his cheeks. He reminded Yugi of a bad car accident, train wreck, or someone who had to put up with the constant bickering of two little children. "We gotta do something about Jou and Seto. Their cradle complaining appears to be taking a sad toll on you."

"Thanks." mumbled Yami groggily. "I'm happy to hear that I look like hell."

"Actually, it's more like crap."

The Egyptian cracked a half-hearted smirk. "You're so loving and thoughtful."

"Maybe I am."

"Uh-huh, that'll be true after Katsuya and Kaiba become the best of friends."

"Seriously, you need some more rest." the gothic-haired boy said, his tone full of concern and worry. "We both do. You need it so you can be at the top of your game, and I have to have it for class. This doesn't help anyone when those children in the other room keep--"

Just then, something shattered in the next living space, drowning the puzzle twins' ears with an echo similar to breaking glass.

"What was that?"

Without even seeing what the brawling duo accomplished this time, the red-eyed boy answered, "Oh, nothing--just my science project."

"When is it due?"

"Tomorrow morning."

"Ouch."

"Yep," agreed Yugi, "that sucks severely."

"Really fucked luck you got there." commented the millennium spirit nonchalantly.

"Thank-you, Aibou, you're so kind."

Pharaoh smiled. "Just doing my job."

"While being a pain in the ass, that is."

Yami screwed his visage up into an agonizing mass of flesh. "Ouch," he repeated, "I just got told by a guy that graduated to elementary school."

"What?!" cried the younger boy, practically having a fit over the remark, "Why the heck does everyone say shit like that about me? I'm a senior in high school this year! Can't anyone lay off of me for that?"

"Alright, alright! I'm sorry!" apologized the older person. "I didn't know you'd take it so wrong!"

"And just how did you expect me to react to that?"

"Better than someone starting puberty, that's for sure."

Throwing a dark glare at his partner, Yugi growled, "Just because it's early in the morning doesn't give you the divine right to be an ass."

"Oh, okay!" said the other male between chuckles. Forcing himself to regain his composure, he stalked over to the breakfast table, plopped himself into an open chair, then slumped onto his arms. Rolling his shoulders forward, he questioned, "So, you have any idea of how to shut the kids up in there other than removing their vocal chords?"

Finding a seat beside his counterpart, the high schooler dropped into a comfortable position. "Who says that cutting their voice boxes out isn't a solution?"

"You've got a point there." murmured the ruby-eyed person. "It'd be my first option if I had the money for the operations."

Sighing sadly, the shorter adolescent stared at the tiles below. "Damn, I forgot that surgery costs as much as Seto's shoes do." Tapping his fingers against the linoleum surface before him, he studied a stain of orange juice on the floor while kicking his legs.

"You could always kill them." suggested a demonic accent in the background.

Glancing up from the ever-so interesting splotch of liquid, the tiny teen caught a glimpse of another millennium spirit, Yami Bakura, fishing around in the refrigerator for something to munch on. The shadowy soul clawed though a vegetable patch of greens, stuck his head in the bottom shelf, then rapped his foot impatiently on the ground. Clearly upset now, the wild-eyed fright fest retreated and threw a hateful look at the double door appliance.

"Pocky Sticks are in the egg bin by the jams." Pharaoh told his fellow immortal acquaintance.

"Are they the strawberry kind?" asked the white-haired hell-raiser, cocking his head to the side.

Yugioh mumbled back, "See for yourself. I'm not getting up just to help a five thousand year old man locate some empty calories."

Snorting disdainfully, the ghostly pale spirit reached into the dairy dispenser and plucked out an economy-sized package of berry-flavored sticks. "I don't need your assistance with suck a task." he snapped, tearing the box of delicious snacks open. Idly, he lifted the bag of treats to his nose, inhaled the yummy scent of his snack, then plucked a batch of candy from the wrapper and shoved them into his mouth. Strolling past the unimpressed puzzle twins, Yami Bakura gulped down the heap of food while tossing a rectangular object on the table. "I do believe you will require mine, though."

"Your--what?" asked the petite adolescent.

"You heard me." said the Pocky glomper between mouthfuls. "When you want some results, you'll--" Practically swallowing another package of fudge sticks down, the tomb robber finished, "you'll come to me. Never fails."

"Riiiiiight." sneered the pharaoh, emphasizing his sarcasm by nodding. "I'm sure we're going to come crawling back to a certified lunatic running loose without a straight jacket." Turning to his aibou, he inquired, "So, Yugi, what do you say we throw some business to the world-renowned criminal with a five thousand-year-old record? That would mean we'd have the services of a liar and murderer--"

"Don't forget thief!" the spirit of the ring added, waving a stick of junk food around like a magic wand. "We're talking centuries of first-class stealing here without ever being caught!"

Yugioh lifted an open palm to the devious Egyptian. "There you have it: the testimony of a self-proclaimed crook. We'd be much better off if we--"

"Took him up on his offer." finished Yugi.

Shooting his hikari a surprise look, the pharaoh blinked in disbelief "What was that?"

"You heard me."

"Hey, that was my line!" squawked Ryou's alter ego indignantly. "I arrived at that first--"

"Can it, Bakura." the other card players snapped in unison.

Lifting another cookie to his mouth, the white-haired male lifted a shoulder to his jaw line, then dropped the limb casually. "Whatever you say," he stated carelessly, turning his back to his acquaintances. "my business does just fine without your money."

Rubbing his temples, the tired pharaoh mumbled, "I just got told off by an arrogant asshole. What's next," he asked, "my hikari scoring insults off me?"

"You know," Yugi shot at his yami, "your personality almost parallels his, so don't act like you can do no wrong."

"See?" the Egyptian grumbled, raising an open palm towards his other half, giving his rival a frosty stare, "I saw that one coming. Wow, I must be a psychic or something to know all this in advance--" Watching his counterpart out of the corner of his eye, the high school kid turned over the ring spirit's hand, emptied the contents of his pocket onto the waiting cup, then stole a glance at his alter-ego to see how he was taking the episode. Needless to say, the ageless duelist was more pissed than a fan girl deprived of a ready supply of bishounen to drool over. Widening his already big purple pink eyes, Yugioh came unglued--which was a rare sight for anyone to witness, much less a steady opponent of his and a current boyfriend. "What are you doing?" he demanded, fangs bared, orbs shining like molten lava, "You can't give our hard-earned cash to some--some--fiend like that!"

"Yes, I can." said Yugi calmly. "I can, and I just did."

"I forbid it!"

As if in defiance, the teenager folded Bakura's fingers down onto the wad of bills, clenching the deal. "I can," he declared, coolly, yet firmly, "and I just did."

"Ooooh," the tomb robber snidely remarked, "looks like you just got put in your place, Oh Great One of the Nile River. My, my, if the royal captains of the guard knew this, you'd be as fu--"

"Fuck off, you thieving bastard." Yami snarled, almost animalistic-ally. "You think you have all the answers to our problems, don't you?"

"And do you have a way to cut the crap going on in my own house?" inquired the boy with identically wild tresses.

The king of Egypt sputtered, "Well, you see--I think that, under the circumstances, we could just, uh--hum, erm, well--"

"Yeah, keep going." Yugi said, but his tone suggested otherwise. His millennium spirit was backed into a corner, basically scratching his head and his ass at the same time, crushed up against a wall with clueless vibes pressing at his head. This was a merciless approach at getting the mighty pharaoh to admit he really had no idea what in hell he was talking about in the first place, but, as ruthless and downright mean as it all seemed, the entire set-up was fun to let go on. And he was the one the accused Bakura of being an asshole. Tsk, tsk. thought the younger half without sympathy, Tsk, tsk to the master duelist who is in the hot seat with nowhere to go. He can't expect to whine about something for hours, use me for a talk show host like Ricki Lake to whine to, and spend most of the damned night complaining that Jou and Seto are being too frickin' loud. Then, when I take matters into my own hands, he wants to talk down to me like I have no right to whisper a word around here! Well, not anymore! Biting his lower lip passively, he amended that to, Well...at least not in my house, anyways. Folding his arms underneath his breast he cocked his head, regarded his counterpart with a sort of weird serenity, then added, "I've got all night to hear whatever lame idea you've got brewing up there, but remember this: while we're in here chatting, the clash of the titans are still going on in there." he explained, sticking a thumb behind himself, gesturing towards the living war room. "It'd be a shame to wake up the next morning and see the DVD player broken underneath remnants of a flat-screen monitor, wouldn't it, Yami?"

Finally, the last group of sentences got through to Yami. Without even giving a second thought to whom he was speaking to, he shifted his gaze to the shadowy soul off in the corner of the kitchen. "What's your going rate?" he quickly asked, the words barely making any sense, tumbling out of his mouth like quicksilver.

Bakura knew this tone, practically went hand-in-hand with the emotion he heard, and man, did he love it. Nothing felt better than having a past enemy of his grovel at his feet for a task he went on girlie justice rants against. Pretending to examine the amount he held, he estimated, "Oh, I'd say this is a pretty good down payment here."

"The rest comes when you do your job by making the other two in there stop fighting--once and for all."

"Mm-kay, I'll be sure to get right on that." responded the pale alter ego. "You have my word on that."

"A lot of good that will do coming from an ex-con." grumbled Yugioh under his breath.

"What was that?" inquired Ryou's darker half.

Yugi strolled up to his precious pharaoh's side, totally relaxed, flashing everyone in the room a smile as sweet as a grandmother's pastry goods while saying, "Oh, don't mind him--he's just jealous he didn't think of it first." Then, he brought his hand up and smacked the back of his yami's head, jarring a surprised wail from the half-asleep person.

"The hell was that for?" bellowed the king of games loudly, rubbing his skull ruefully while shooting his hikari a nasty stare, "I really ought to--"

"Thank-you for the service you are providing us." the adolescent finished, the sugary smile still wavering on his lips. "You have our full permission to have at this in any way you choose."

"Are you crazy?" cried the royal Egyptian, "Don't tell him that or he'll kill them! Both of them!"

"Would that really be so bad, considering the damage they've already done to the Playstation Two?"

"What?"

"You didn't hear me? I just said they busted the new game system."

"Could we glue it back together?" Pharaoh asked innocently, a glimmer of hope sparkling in his ruby eyes.

The fifteen-year-old sighed in exasperation. Sometimes even Yugioh had stupid moments. "Not unless you plan on sitting it on the shelf like a figurine." he answered jadedly, throwing his alter ego a terrible look, one that had how damn dumb can you be? written all over the expression.

"Alright, go ahead!" snapped the master duelist angrily, glaring at his employee with a mixture of fury and annoyance, "Do it! Have at them! Do whatever the hell you have to so we can have some sanity back here!"

Bakura raised a curious brow. "Anything?" asked the tomb robber, licking his chops, practically salivating at the opportunity to play with Jou and Seto like living dolls of his own.

Irritated and out of patience, the puzzle-bonded twins cried as one, "Yes! ANYTHING! We want a goodnight's sleep around here, for Christ's sakes! "

Drawing his arm out to his side like a violin preparing to form its first note, the spirit of the ring ducked his head down in a curt nod, brought the limb in front of his body, the produced for the enraged duo a long, sweeping bow. "I'll see what I can do." he told them, meeting their skeptical gazes with a look of cruel intentions, an expression so dark and demented that made his associates shift their weight uncomfortably.

Pleased with the impression he had made on the couple of typically fighting males, he rose back to his full height, a size close to six feet and some odd inches tall, but accompanied by a structure that appeared to have been stolen from a corpse. Grasping the collar of his trench coat, he flipped the velvet material up, fashioning the accessory into an item that imitated Count Dracula's orthodox style. Head held up at a proud and confident (but surprisingly not haughty) angle, shoulders pinned back, shady brown eyes laced with inexplicable thoughts, and wild platinum hair billowing out behind him like a torn and jagged sail, this resident of Egypt's golden ages looked to be much more than a lowly criminal of that era--now, in the year 2004, he seemed not only lethal, but dangerous.

Evil was just assigned to silence the inconsiderate bulls battling head-to-head in the other area, two ridiculous rivals having it out for petty reasons of their own.

And Bakura was going to have a good time invoking someone special to help him out.

There's no place like home--

Especially for an immortal that enlisted the virtues of a god that Kaiba had lost touch with centuries ago.