"I had a dream which was not all a dream."
George Gordon, Lord Byron
***
The alarm clock blared its morning summons, shaking Calleigh loose from her dream. She woke up and reached out to turn it off gratefully. The gratitude slid back into fear as she realized that the other half of the bed was empty. She sat up. "Horatio?" There was no response. Surely she couldn't have slept through yet another phone call. She scrambled out of bed, not even bothering to put on her robe, and ran out into the hall, skidding to a relieved stop beside the bathroom door. The door was closed, but she could hear the running water now. He was taking a shower.
Calleigh retreated to the bedroom, forcing herself to take deep breaths. It's just a dream, Cal. It doesn't mean anything. She put on her robe and headed for the kitchen, starting coffee, getting breakfast put together. She hadn't actually had the chance to make him breakfast for the last two days. The task usually brought a glow of happiness, fresh realization that she was actually married to Horatio, that she had the privilege now of sharing breakfast with him all the time. Today was different, though. Her mind still felt half frozen into that dream.
Horatio entered the kitchen as she put the plates on the table. He came across to kiss her, twice. "Good morning, Beautiful. Good morning, Rosalind. Did you sleep well?"
Calleigh all but stared at him. "What?"
"You seemed sound asleep when I woke up, so I thought I'd give you a few more minutes. You were looking pretty tired yesterday."
"I'm fine," she said, still stuck on his description of her being sound asleep. Did she really look that peaceful while she was having those horrible dreams? Well, they did end up totally frozen, after all, not like the kind of nightmare that wakes you up thrashing and screaming. Still, she was a bit disappointed in him. She would have expected him to know the difference, to have sensed it somehow. Horatio apparently sensed something now, because he didn't look convinced. "Really, Horatio, I'm fine. I was a little tired last night, I guess. This is pretty demanding work on that gang shooting. Come on, let's eat."
She asked him questions about the pharmacy case over breakfast, not letting him steer the conversation back to her. He told her all the angles of the case, but he was still looking at her analytically, trying to pin down what was wrong. She determinedly looked as bright and cheerful as she could and ate every mouthful, giving her best imitation of being fine. It wasn't working.
"Cal," he said as they finished eating, "honestly, what's bothering you?"
"What do you mean?" she dodged. Just then, his cell phone rang. He sighed and flipped it open.
"Horatio. Yes, Tripp. Another one? Okay, I'll be there ASAP." He snapped the phone shut. "Another pharmacy got hit last night. You didn't answer my question yet, though. What's wrong? You've had something on your mind for the last few days."
She was suddenly gripped with a fear that she would never see him over the breakfast table like this again. "Horatio," she blurted out, "promise me that you won't take any risks today, no matter what."
His reaction took her completely by surprise. He just stared at her, not saying anything, and she saw the sudden, deep hurt in his beautiful eyes, saw it and didn't understand it, any more than she understood his silence. "Promise me, Horatio," she insisted.
His voice sounded numb. "I. . . I can't, Calleigh."
"You can't?" She was furious suddenly. Was his job more important to him than her peace of mind? "What kind of an answer is that?"
"I'm sorry, Calleigh. I just can't. I'll. . ." He hesitated. "I'll be as careful as I can be."
"That's not good enough, Horatio!" Her voice was rising, more in fear than anger.
He was staring at her with an expression of puzzled betrayal, but his voice was still as quiet as ever when he spoke. "Calleigh, what is this about?"
"Can't you promise me to be reasonable for just one day? Is that too much to ask?" He was silent. "Apparently it is, I guess."
"Calleigh. . . " he started helplessly, and his cell phone rang again. He directed all the frustration at it that he hadn't directed at her. "Horatio," he snapped. His expression changed again, to one of resignation. "No, not yet. I'm leaving soon. Okay, I'll be there ASAP. Yes, I really mean it this time. ASAP." He ended the call and looked back at her, and his voice dropped back to its usual soft tones. "That was Tripp again. They found two men locked in the bathroom at the pharmacy. Both shot. One dead, one still alive. The one alive is talking." He stood up, looking at her helplessly. "I've got to go, Calleigh. I'll be as careful as I can. I promise you that."
"Do that," she said, but she still wanted more. He wavered there for a second, torn between his responsibilities.
"I'll see you later, Cal," he said finally. "I love you." Fear paralyzed her. He was out the door before her tongue unfroze enough to return the words. He looked back at her as he closed the door behind him, and she saw his eyes again. Stunned, hurt, and confused.
Calleigh put her hands on the table and pushed her head down into them, trying to shut out the memory of that expression. She couldn't do it. While her mind kept insisting that he had wronged her, she was left with the absolute conviction that she had wronged him. She didn't understand exactly what had happened during that conversation. Finally, her thoughts broke down into sobs, but they weren't tears of anger but of fear.
***
Calleigh could not settle to anything at work. She fought through the whole morning, trying to complete the shooting analysis of which bullets came from where. The work was too complicated to do without her full attention on it, though. She actually caught several errors when she took time after lunch to really look at the chart she was building. She threw her pen down as if it had offended her and surrendered to thought.
That sudden, sharp look of hurt in Horatio's eyes puzzled her. She had never meant to hurt him. She still wasn't sure how she had. Part of her wanted to be angry at him, crying out that if anyone had hurt anyone in that discussion, he had hurt her. Why hadn't he agreed? Didn't he love her more than his job? Such a simple request, from his pregnant wife. Shouldn't he have given her the assurance she needed? Her mind kept wandering off that point, though, and settling again on the undoubted fact that she had hurt him. Why? How? Asking him not to be reckless on the job shouldn't have hurt him. She sighed, then picked her pen back up and chewed it thoughtfully. This was even worse than the last few days. Her worry for him wasn't just physical anymore. She resented the fact that he wouldn't promise her not to take risks, but she hadn't meant to hurt him. She only wanted him to be safe. Now, though, he was out there trying to work but wounded in spirit, not in body. Wounded by her. She was sure of it, even if she still didn't understand what exactly had happened this morning. He had left not angry but hurt, and she had sent him out that way. She hadn't even said she loved him while he could still hear it.
With another sigh, she pulled out her cell phone and studied it for a good five minutes before she dialed. He answered on the first ring. "Hello, Beautiful." All of the old affection was still in his voice, but there was an uncertainty, a tentativeness underlying his tone that suddenly made her very glad she had called. The two words spoke volumes to her, as did his saying hello instead of hi or hey. His feelings hadn't changed, but he honestly wasn't sure if the same could be said for hers. How on earth had she knocked him to that point?
"Hi, Horatio. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked you that." She still thought she should have had the right, though.
His tone relaxed slightly. "I'm sorry I couldn't, Cal. I wish I could for you." Why can't you, she wanted to shout, but she didn't. It wasn't worth insisting on if it was going to hurt him.
"It's okay, Horatio. I'd better let you get back to work. Are you still with Tripp?"
"Yes," he said. "We're on a good lead. I've really got to go, Calleigh."
"I understand. We'll talk tonight, though."
"I think that would be a good idea," he said. "I'll see you later, Cal. Tell Rosalind hi for me. I do love you, Calleigh."
"I know," she said truthfully. "I love you too, Horatio. I'll see you tonight, and we'll talk things over then. Bye."
"Bye." He hung up, and Calleigh sat there staring at the phone in her hand. She didn't regret apologizing, but she still wasn't sure what she had just apologized for.
"Well, Calleigh," she said out loud to herself, "you're committed to talking it over with him tonight. You'd better at least give some thought to what on earth you're going to say."
The sound of a throat clearing softly startled her. She spun around and saw Alexx standing in the doorway to Ballistics. "How long have you been there?"
"Longer than I should have," Alexx admitted. "Since you were staring at the phone trying to decide to call. Would you like a practice run with me before you talk to him tonight, or should I just develop selective deafness?"
A flush of gratitude warmed Calleigh clear to her toes. Such a great friend, Alexx. She really would, if asked, drop the subject entirely and never mention it again. She smiled. "Actually, I wouldn't mind a little advice."
"No charge," said Alexx. "Why don't we go out for coffee somewhere? I heard that our slavedriving boss isn't in the office today, so we can probably sneak out without his noticing."
Calleigh's smile widened. "I heard the same rumor." She stood up, grabbing her purse. "Come on. My treat."
"Let's go Dutch," Alexx suggested.
"Nope. You advise, I pay."
The ME relented. "Fine. I'll do my best to be worth it."
They took Calleigh's car and went to a small café nearby. They ordered coffee and cinnamon rolls and sat down at a corner table. It was past the lunch rush but before dinner, and not many patrons were here, so they could talk in relative privacy. Calleigh still hesitated. "We sort of had a fight this morning, only it wasn't really."
"Calleigh," Alexx said patiently, "if you want my advice, I'm going to have to have more background than that."
Calleigh started over. "Three nights ago, I started having this dream." She ran through the details of it, which were still etched indelibly on her mind, and Alexx shuddered herself.
"Have you told him about it?"
"No. He had to rush right off that first morning to the pharmacy break in. There wasn't a chance."
"And you haven't told him since then, either?"
"No." She analyzed her cinnamon roll intently. "I'm afraid he'll just say it's silly. Actually, I think it's silly myself. It's just a dream."
"Sounds like it's more than a dream now. It's becoming a problem, from that phone conversation I heard."
Calleigh looked back up to meet her friend's eyes. "This morning, he was trying to find out what was bothering me again, and then he got the call to go out to that new pharmacy. I had the dream again last night, and I just didn't want to lose him. So I asked him to promise me that he wouldn't take any risks today, no matter what."
Alexx sat up straighter in her chair. "He'd didn't actually promise you that, did he?"
"No," Calleigh said. Alexx gave a slight sigh of relief. "That's what we fought about. Only it wasn't really a fight. He never got mad, and I was more scared than mad. But I hurt him, asking him that, and I just don't understand why. He looked almost betrayed or something. And then Tripp called back and needed him right away, and we had to leave it there. I'm still not quite sure what happened, though. And when I talked to him just now, he really sounded rattled, Alexx, like he wasn't sure how I felt anymore. I never meant to do that. I don't even know how I did." The flood of words ran dry, and Calleigh just stared at her coffee cup.
Alexx gave her friend a sympathetic smile. "Calleigh, what is it you love about Horatio?"
"What?"
"Go with me here. What do you love about him?"
She considered it. "Lots of things. He has so much integrity. He's honest. I know the outside isn't as important, but he is gorgeous. Probably the biggest thing, I guess, is how he cares about people. He's totally unselfish."
"Exactly," said Alexx. "He puts other people's needs ahead of his own. That's the Horatio you love, and that's who you don't want to lose." She leaned forward a bit over the table, closing the distance. "But honey, there are other ways to lose him besides his being killed on the job. One of those ways is to ask him to be less than who he is. If he changed himself but was still alive, you'd still lose him, because he wouldn't be Horatio."
"Ask him to be less than who he is," Calleigh repeated. "But I didn't do that, did I?" Alexx was silent, letting her work through it. "Oh, Lord, Alexx, I did, didn't I? That's not what I meant."
"I know," her friend replied. "But that's how it came across. That's why it hurt him, Calleigh. Look at it from his perspective. He doesn't know anything about your dream. He just knows that something has been bothering you the last few days, something you've deliberately avoided telling him. Then, when he tries to push you on it, the first thing you say that isn't a dodge is to ask him to change. How does he know you haven't just decided you'd like him better as someone else?"
Calleigh groaned. "And right after that, he said he'd try to be as careful as he could, and I said that wasn't good enough." Alexx flinched. "But I didn't mean he wasn't good enough. I was just worried about him." She sighed. "He was still trying, even then, to find out where I was coming from. He asked me that. And I just asked him why he couldn't be reasonable for one day." She stared at her hands, which were suddenly clenched, crushing an innocent, defenseless cinnamon roll. "What have I done, Alexx? I didn't mean it like that."
"I know. I can see where you both were coming from. Calleigh, Horatio isn't reckless. He is as careful as he can be. But this job has risks, and it will always have more risks for him because of who he is. We both know that if he ever comes across another collapsing bridge, he'd go out on it again to free a child. He wouldn't even have to think about it. Even as much as it hurt him last time." Calleigh nodded. "He can't promise you he won't take any risks, Calleigh. That's asking him to be less than Horatio. But right now, he doesn't have any idea where you were coming from. That request totally blindsided him this morning. You've got to tell him about this dream, show him your motives, so at least he understands that you weren't saying he isn't good enough for you like he is."
"Not good enough." Calleigh shook her head in amazement. "I still wonder sometimes if I'm good enough for him."
"I think you both deserve each other, in the very best sense," said Alexx. "But chemistry isn't enough to keep a relationship strong through the years. You've got to have communication. That's why you've got to tell him about this. Believe me, he won't tell you it's silly."
Calleigh tore off a piece of cinnamon roll and chewed it thoughtfully. "I'm still not sure exactly what to say, though. Should I just tell him I've had this dream and I'm afraid it will come true?"
"Calleigh, have you ever in your life had a repeating dream come true? I'm not eliminating the possibility that it happens, but you've never mentioned being gifted that way."
Calleigh smiled fondly. "It's only happened once. I dreamed him, and he came true."
Alexx smiled back at her. "You've still got him, Calleigh. And even if this is a premonition of some sort, telling him would forewarn him. If the situation ever came up, he could just call out to Speed instead of turning around. Maybe you're dreaming it to prevent it from happening."
"I hadn't thought of it that way," Calleigh replied. She suddenly froze halfway through reaching for another cinnamon roll. "Speed. I forgot all about Speed worrying about Horatio. I guess I owe him an apology, too." She related her explosion at the trace expert.
"A simple apology will work with Speed. He'll just blame it on hormones or something. The background really is none of his business. But with Horatio, there's a lot more damage that's been done already. He's got to have the details, Calleigh. You can't hide this from him any longer."
"I know," Calleigh sighed. "I never meant to hurt him this morning. I just hope I haven't ruined anything permanently."
"You haven't," Alexx reassured her. "You two have enough of a foundation there that it won't be knocked over on one misunderstanding. But you've got to tell him everything now. That's the only way to undo this morning. Let him know where you're coming from and make sure he sees that you still love him for who he is. Honey, you've got one of the easiest men in the world to apologize to. He's one of the few people on this planet who honestly doesn't keep score."
Calleigh nodded. "I've even wondered sometimes if I'm still dreaming him." She took a swallow of coffee. "Do you think it is just hormones or something, Alexx? I've never had a dream like this one. Dreams of bad memories are upsetting, but I know where they come from. This is totally different."
"It could well be," Alexx said. "Pregnancy affects people in different ways. I've certainly heard of odd dreams. You seem to be having a pretty easy time of it so far."
"I am," Calleigh said. "I did feel a little sick in the mornings for the first few months, but nothing like I've heard some people have. And I don't really think I've been that moody, do you?"
"No," said Alexx. "You've seemed remarkably like yourself."
"My mother always had easy pregnancies, she said. Maybe I should have expected something to come up. I've had it too easy. The only thing is, I have developed this crazy craving for watermelon."
Alexx laughed. "With me, it was raspberry milkshakes. Couldn't get enough of them. Jonathan nearly went crazy getting them for me. It's impossible to say for sure, but I think this dream might well be just hormones. And like I said, even if it is based on reality somehow, telling Horatio would help him avoid it."
"You make it sound so reasonable," Calleigh said. "I've just been so confused the last few days. It sounds silly, but it's so vivid, Alexx. I don't know what to make of it."
"Tell him that," Alexx urged her. "Tell him you're confused and that you don't know what to make of it. But don't ever tell him that he has to change who he is for you. That's the only way you'll ever break his heart, Calleigh."
Calleigh nodded slowly. "I understand how that hit him now, but honestly, I didn't mean it that way. At least, I know how to straighten that one out. I guess I will just tell him everything. It's not like he's difficult to talk to." She reached across the table and put a hand on her friend's arm. "Thanks, Alexx. You ought to get a degree in counseling."
"Sometimes I wonder." The ME smiled at her. "You'll do fine with him, Calleigh. Just remember to communicate. Not even Horatio can read your mind all the time."
"He does a bit, I swear."
"That's why I said all the time." Alexx pushed back from the table. "And now, we'd better get back to our respective jobs before we get caught."
Calleigh stood up, feeling much better than she had the last few days, and headed for the cash register with Alexx behind her. Just as she had finished tucking the change back in her purse, her cell phone rang. She took it out and flipped it open. "Calleigh Caine."
"Calleigh." Adele's voice was absolutely taut. "Is Horatio out with Tripp working that pharmacy case today?"
"Yes. Why?" Her voice tightened up a bit in response to Adele's tone. Alexx looked at her with interest.
"Tripp just called in a minute ago reporting an explosion and requesting assistance. Multiple officers down, he said. He's hurt himself. At least one fatality."
Calleigh's heart stopped. "Oh my God. Where?" If Tripp had been the one to call, even though he was hurt, that could only mean that everyone with him was in worse shape.
Adele gave her the address. "We don't know anything more yet. Officers are still en route."
"So am I." Calleigh snapped the phone shut and bolted for the parking lot. Alexx ran after her, catching her by the car and pulling the keys out of her hand.
"I'll drive," the ME said. "Where?" She didn't ask what. The look on Calleigh's face was enough. Calleigh gave her the address, and Alexx guided the car across the city as Calleigh sat in the other seat staring sightlessly at the traffic, seeing only Horatio's face as she had seen it that morning, with that expression of hurt confusion. She prayed that wouldn't be her last sight of him.
George Gordon, Lord Byron
***
The alarm clock blared its morning summons, shaking Calleigh loose from her dream. She woke up and reached out to turn it off gratefully. The gratitude slid back into fear as she realized that the other half of the bed was empty. She sat up. "Horatio?" There was no response. Surely she couldn't have slept through yet another phone call. She scrambled out of bed, not even bothering to put on her robe, and ran out into the hall, skidding to a relieved stop beside the bathroom door. The door was closed, but she could hear the running water now. He was taking a shower.
Calleigh retreated to the bedroom, forcing herself to take deep breaths. It's just a dream, Cal. It doesn't mean anything. She put on her robe and headed for the kitchen, starting coffee, getting breakfast put together. She hadn't actually had the chance to make him breakfast for the last two days. The task usually brought a glow of happiness, fresh realization that she was actually married to Horatio, that she had the privilege now of sharing breakfast with him all the time. Today was different, though. Her mind still felt half frozen into that dream.
Horatio entered the kitchen as she put the plates on the table. He came across to kiss her, twice. "Good morning, Beautiful. Good morning, Rosalind. Did you sleep well?"
Calleigh all but stared at him. "What?"
"You seemed sound asleep when I woke up, so I thought I'd give you a few more minutes. You were looking pretty tired yesterday."
"I'm fine," she said, still stuck on his description of her being sound asleep. Did she really look that peaceful while she was having those horrible dreams? Well, they did end up totally frozen, after all, not like the kind of nightmare that wakes you up thrashing and screaming. Still, she was a bit disappointed in him. She would have expected him to know the difference, to have sensed it somehow. Horatio apparently sensed something now, because he didn't look convinced. "Really, Horatio, I'm fine. I was a little tired last night, I guess. This is pretty demanding work on that gang shooting. Come on, let's eat."
She asked him questions about the pharmacy case over breakfast, not letting him steer the conversation back to her. He told her all the angles of the case, but he was still looking at her analytically, trying to pin down what was wrong. She determinedly looked as bright and cheerful as she could and ate every mouthful, giving her best imitation of being fine. It wasn't working.
"Cal," he said as they finished eating, "honestly, what's bothering you?"
"What do you mean?" she dodged. Just then, his cell phone rang. He sighed and flipped it open.
"Horatio. Yes, Tripp. Another one? Okay, I'll be there ASAP." He snapped the phone shut. "Another pharmacy got hit last night. You didn't answer my question yet, though. What's wrong? You've had something on your mind for the last few days."
She was suddenly gripped with a fear that she would never see him over the breakfast table like this again. "Horatio," she blurted out, "promise me that you won't take any risks today, no matter what."
His reaction took her completely by surprise. He just stared at her, not saying anything, and she saw the sudden, deep hurt in his beautiful eyes, saw it and didn't understand it, any more than she understood his silence. "Promise me, Horatio," she insisted.
His voice sounded numb. "I. . . I can't, Calleigh."
"You can't?" She was furious suddenly. Was his job more important to him than her peace of mind? "What kind of an answer is that?"
"I'm sorry, Calleigh. I just can't. I'll. . ." He hesitated. "I'll be as careful as I can be."
"That's not good enough, Horatio!" Her voice was rising, more in fear than anger.
He was staring at her with an expression of puzzled betrayal, but his voice was still as quiet as ever when he spoke. "Calleigh, what is this about?"
"Can't you promise me to be reasonable for just one day? Is that too much to ask?" He was silent. "Apparently it is, I guess."
"Calleigh. . . " he started helplessly, and his cell phone rang again. He directed all the frustration at it that he hadn't directed at her. "Horatio," he snapped. His expression changed again, to one of resignation. "No, not yet. I'm leaving soon. Okay, I'll be there ASAP. Yes, I really mean it this time. ASAP." He ended the call and looked back at her, and his voice dropped back to its usual soft tones. "That was Tripp again. They found two men locked in the bathroom at the pharmacy. Both shot. One dead, one still alive. The one alive is talking." He stood up, looking at her helplessly. "I've got to go, Calleigh. I'll be as careful as I can. I promise you that."
"Do that," she said, but she still wanted more. He wavered there for a second, torn between his responsibilities.
"I'll see you later, Cal," he said finally. "I love you." Fear paralyzed her. He was out the door before her tongue unfroze enough to return the words. He looked back at her as he closed the door behind him, and she saw his eyes again. Stunned, hurt, and confused.
Calleigh put her hands on the table and pushed her head down into them, trying to shut out the memory of that expression. She couldn't do it. While her mind kept insisting that he had wronged her, she was left with the absolute conviction that she had wronged him. She didn't understand exactly what had happened during that conversation. Finally, her thoughts broke down into sobs, but they weren't tears of anger but of fear.
***
Calleigh could not settle to anything at work. She fought through the whole morning, trying to complete the shooting analysis of which bullets came from where. The work was too complicated to do without her full attention on it, though. She actually caught several errors when she took time after lunch to really look at the chart she was building. She threw her pen down as if it had offended her and surrendered to thought.
That sudden, sharp look of hurt in Horatio's eyes puzzled her. She had never meant to hurt him. She still wasn't sure how she had. Part of her wanted to be angry at him, crying out that if anyone had hurt anyone in that discussion, he had hurt her. Why hadn't he agreed? Didn't he love her more than his job? Such a simple request, from his pregnant wife. Shouldn't he have given her the assurance she needed? Her mind kept wandering off that point, though, and settling again on the undoubted fact that she had hurt him. Why? How? Asking him not to be reckless on the job shouldn't have hurt him. She sighed, then picked her pen back up and chewed it thoughtfully. This was even worse than the last few days. Her worry for him wasn't just physical anymore. She resented the fact that he wouldn't promise her not to take risks, but she hadn't meant to hurt him. She only wanted him to be safe. Now, though, he was out there trying to work but wounded in spirit, not in body. Wounded by her. She was sure of it, even if she still didn't understand what exactly had happened this morning. He had left not angry but hurt, and she had sent him out that way. She hadn't even said she loved him while he could still hear it.
With another sigh, she pulled out her cell phone and studied it for a good five minutes before she dialed. He answered on the first ring. "Hello, Beautiful." All of the old affection was still in his voice, but there was an uncertainty, a tentativeness underlying his tone that suddenly made her very glad she had called. The two words spoke volumes to her, as did his saying hello instead of hi or hey. His feelings hadn't changed, but he honestly wasn't sure if the same could be said for hers. How on earth had she knocked him to that point?
"Hi, Horatio. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked you that." She still thought she should have had the right, though.
His tone relaxed slightly. "I'm sorry I couldn't, Cal. I wish I could for you." Why can't you, she wanted to shout, but she didn't. It wasn't worth insisting on if it was going to hurt him.
"It's okay, Horatio. I'd better let you get back to work. Are you still with Tripp?"
"Yes," he said. "We're on a good lead. I've really got to go, Calleigh."
"I understand. We'll talk tonight, though."
"I think that would be a good idea," he said. "I'll see you later, Cal. Tell Rosalind hi for me. I do love you, Calleigh."
"I know," she said truthfully. "I love you too, Horatio. I'll see you tonight, and we'll talk things over then. Bye."
"Bye." He hung up, and Calleigh sat there staring at the phone in her hand. She didn't regret apologizing, but she still wasn't sure what she had just apologized for.
"Well, Calleigh," she said out loud to herself, "you're committed to talking it over with him tonight. You'd better at least give some thought to what on earth you're going to say."
The sound of a throat clearing softly startled her. She spun around and saw Alexx standing in the doorway to Ballistics. "How long have you been there?"
"Longer than I should have," Alexx admitted. "Since you were staring at the phone trying to decide to call. Would you like a practice run with me before you talk to him tonight, or should I just develop selective deafness?"
A flush of gratitude warmed Calleigh clear to her toes. Such a great friend, Alexx. She really would, if asked, drop the subject entirely and never mention it again. She smiled. "Actually, I wouldn't mind a little advice."
"No charge," said Alexx. "Why don't we go out for coffee somewhere? I heard that our slavedriving boss isn't in the office today, so we can probably sneak out without his noticing."
Calleigh's smile widened. "I heard the same rumor." She stood up, grabbing her purse. "Come on. My treat."
"Let's go Dutch," Alexx suggested.
"Nope. You advise, I pay."
The ME relented. "Fine. I'll do my best to be worth it."
They took Calleigh's car and went to a small café nearby. They ordered coffee and cinnamon rolls and sat down at a corner table. It was past the lunch rush but before dinner, and not many patrons were here, so they could talk in relative privacy. Calleigh still hesitated. "We sort of had a fight this morning, only it wasn't really."
"Calleigh," Alexx said patiently, "if you want my advice, I'm going to have to have more background than that."
Calleigh started over. "Three nights ago, I started having this dream." She ran through the details of it, which were still etched indelibly on her mind, and Alexx shuddered herself.
"Have you told him about it?"
"No. He had to rush right off that first morning to the pharmacy break in. There wasn't a chance."
"And you haven't told him since then, either?"
"No." She analyzed her cinnamon roll intently. "I'm afraid he'll just say it's silly. Actually, I think it's silly myself. It's just a dream."
"Sounds like it's more than a dream now. It's becoming a problem, from that phone conversation I heard."
Calleigh looked back up to meet her friend's eyes. "This morning, he was trying to find out what was bothering me again, and then he got the call to go out to that new pharmacy. I had the dream again last night, and I just didn't want to lose him. So I asked him to promise me that he wouldn't take any risks today, no matter what."
Alexx sat up straighter in her chair. "He'd didn't actually promise you that, did he?"
"No," Calleigh said. Alexx gave a slight sigh of relief. "That's what we fought about. Only it wasn't really a fight. He never got mad, and I was more scared than mad. But I hurt him, asking him that, and I just don't understand why. He looked almost betrayed or something. And then Tripp called back and needed him right away, and we had to leave it there. I'm still not quite sure what happened, though. And when I talked to him just now, he really sounded rattled, Alexx, like he wasn't sure how I felt anymore. I never meant to do that. I don't even know how I did." The flood of words ran dry, and Calleigh just stared at her coffee cup.
Alexx gave her friend a sympathetic smile. "Calleigh, what is it you love about Horatio?"
"What?"
"Go with me here. What do you love about him?"
She considered it. "Lots of things. He has so much integrity. He's honest. I know the outside isn't as important, but he is gorgeous. Probably the biggest thing, I guess, is how he cares about people. He's totally unselfish."
"Exactly," said Alexx. "He puts other people's needs ahead of his own. That's the Horatio you love, and that's who you don't want to lose." She leaned forward a bit over the table, closing the distance. "But honey, there are other ways to lose him besides his being killed on the job. One of those ways is to ask him to be less than who he is. If he changed himself but was still alive, you'd still lose him, because he wouldn't be Horatio."
"Ask him to be less than who he is," Calleigh repeated. "But I didn't do that, did I?" Alexx was silent, letting her work through it. "Oh, Lord, Alexx, I did, didn't I? That's not what I meant."
"I know," her friend replied. "But that's how it came across. That's why it hurt him, Calleigh. Look at it from his perspective. He doesn't know anything about your dream. He just knows that something has been bothering you the last few days, something you've deliberately avoided telling him. Then, when he tries to push you on it, the first thing you say that isn't a dodge is to ask him to change. How does he know you haven't just decided you'd like him better as someone else?"
Calleigh groaned. "And right after that, he said he'd try to be as careful as he could, and I said that wasn't good enough." Alexx flinched. "But I didn't mean he wasn't good enough. I was just worried about him." She sighed. "He was still trying, even then, to find out where I was coming from. He asked me that. And I just asked him why he couldn't be reasonable for one day." She stared at her hands, which were suddenly clenched, crushing an innocent, defenseless cinnamon roll. "What have I done, Alexx? I didn't mean it like that."
"I know. I can see where you both were coming from. Calleigh, Horatio isn't reckless. He is as careful as he can be. But this job has risks, and it will always have more risks for him because of who he is. We both know that if he ever comes across another collapsing bridge, he'd go out on it again to free a child. He wouldn't even have to think about it. Even as much as it hurt him last time." Calleigh nodded. "He can't promise you he won't take any risks, Calleigh. That's asking him to be less than Horatio. But right now, he doesn't have any idea where you were coming from. That request totally blindsided him this morning. You've got to tell him about this dream, show him your motives, so at least he understands that you weren't saying he isn't good enough for you like he is."
"Not good enough." Calleigh shook her head in amazement. "I still wonder sometimes if I'm good enough for him."
"I think you both deserve each other, in the very best sense," said Alexx. "But chemistry isn't enough to keep a relationship strong through the years. You've got to have communication. That's why you've got to tell him about this. Believe me, he won't tell you it's silly."
Calleigh tore off a piece of cinnamon roll and chewed it thoughtfully. "I'm still not sure exactly what to say, though. Should I just tell him I've had this dream and I'm afraid it will come true?"
"Calleigh, have you ever in your life had a repeating dream come true? I'm not eliminating the possibility that it happens, but you've never mentioned being gifted that way."
Calleigh smiled fondly. "It's only happened once. I dreamed him, and he came true."
Alexx smiled back at her. "You've still got him, Calleigh. And even if this is a premonition of some sort, telling him would forewarn him. If the situation ever came up, he could just call out to Speed instead of turning around. Maybe you're dreaming it to prevent it from happening."
"I hadn't thought of it that way," Calleigh replied. She suddenly froze halfway through reaching for another cinnamon roll. "Speed. I forgot all about Speed worrying about Horatio. I guess I owe him an apology, too." She related her explosion at the trace expert.
"A simple apology will work with Speed. He'll just blame it on hormones or something. The background really is none of his business. But with Horatio, there's a lot more damage that's been done already. He's got to have the details, Calleigh. You can't hide this from him any longer."
"I know," Calleigh sighed. "I never meant to hurt him this morning. I just hope I haven't ruined anything permanently."
"You haven't," Alexx reassured her. "You two have enough of a foundation there that it won't be knocked over on one misunderstanding. But you've got to tell him everything now. That's the only way to undo this morning. Let him know where you're coming from and make sure he sees that you still love him for who he is. Honey, you've got one of the easiest men in the world to apologize to. He's one of the few people on this planet who honestly doesn't keep score."
Calleigh nodded. "I've even wondered sometimes if I'm still dreaming him." She took a swallow of coffee. "Do you think it is just hormones or something, Alexx? I've never had a dream like this one. Dreams of bad memories are upsetting, but I know where they come from. This is totally different."
"It could well be," Alexx said. "Pregnancy affects people in different ways. I've certainly heard of odd dreams. You seem to be having a pretty easy time of it so far."
"I am," Calleigh said. "I did feel a little sick in the mornings for the first few months, but nothing like I've heard some people have. And I don't really think I've been that moody, do you?"
"No," said Alexx. "You've seemed remarkably like yourself."
"My mother always had easy pregnancies, she said. Maybe I should have expected something to come up. I've had it too easy. The only thing is, I have developed this crazy craving for watermelon."
Alexx laughed. "With me, it was raspberry milkshakes. Couldn't get enough of them. Jonathan nearly went crazy getting them for me. It's impossible to say for sure, but I think this dream might well be just hormones. And like I said, even if it is based on reality somehow, telling Horatio would help him avoid it."
"You make it sound so reasonable," Calleigh said. "I've just been so confused the last few days. It sounds silly, but it's so vivid, Alexx. I don't know what to make of it."
"Tell him that," Alexx urged her. "Tell him you're confused and that you don't know what to make of it. But don't ever tell him that he has to change who he is for you. That's the only way you'll ever break his heart, Calleigh."
Calleigh nodded slowly. "I understand how that hit him now, but honestly, I didn't mean it that way. At least, I know how to straighten that one out. I guess I will just tell him everything. It's not like he's difficult to talk to." She reached across the table and put a hand on her friend's arm. "Thanks, Alexx. You ought to get a degree in counseling."
"Sometimes I wonder." The ME smiled at her. "You'll do fine with him, Calleigh. Just remember to communicate. Not even Horatio can read your mind all the time."
"He does a bit, I swear."
"That's why I said all the time." Alexx pushed back from the table. "And now, we'd better get back to our respective jobs before we get caught."
Calleigh stood up, feeling much better than she had the last few days, and headed for the cash register with Alexx behind her. Just as she had finished tucking the change back in her purse, her cell phone rang. She took it out and flipped it open. "Calleigh Caine."
"Calleigh." Adele's voice was absolutely taut. "Is Horatio out with Tripp working that pharmacy case today?"
"Yes. Why?" Her voice tightened up a bit in response to Adele's tone. Alexx looked at her with interest.
"Tripp just called in a minute ago reporting an explosion and requesting assistance. Multiple officers down, he said. He's hurt himself. At least one fatality."
Calleigh's heart stopped. "Oh my God. Where?" If Tripp had been the one to call, even though he was hurt, that could only mean that everyone with him was in worse shape.
Adele gave her the address. "We don't know anything more yet. Officers are still en route."
"So am I." Calleigh snapped the phone shut and bolted for the parking lot. Alexx ran after her, catching her by the car and pulling the keys out of her hand.
"I'll drive," the ME said. "Where?" She didn't ask what. The look on Calleigh's face was enough. Calleigh gave her the address, and Alexx guided the car across the city as Calleigh sat in the other seat staring sightlessly at the traffic, seeing only Horatio's face as she had seen it that morning, with that expression of hurt confusion. She prayed that wouldn't be her last sight of him.