Title: Getting Even
Rating: PG
Genre: Humour
WARNING: Insanity (on my part)
Beta: None
Cast: Haldir, Orophin, Rúmil, Celeborn, Galadriel, Legolas
Disclaimer: I own no-one from The Lord Of The Rings. All the characters and place names displayed belong to JRR Tolkien. I do not intend to, nor am I making any financial gain from the writing of this story.
Feedback: Yes please!
Timeline: A.U. Not following movie-verse.
Summary: When you belong to royalty, do you really lose all sense of fun?
Author's Notes:
1) Please be warned. As humour is generally not my forte, there will most likely be some pretty dry humour in this.
Spoilers: None
~*Getting Even*~
"This is not going to be easy to break to them, my Lord. They will want to know why I have kept it from them all this time."
"I understand, Haldir, but they have to be told the news sometime. It is best they are informed now it is later. For all our sakes."
"Yes, my Lord." Haldir bowed before Lord Celeborn and retreated out of the talan.
Muttering darkly under his breath, Haldir made his way swiftly to his own quarters. In his hand, he clutched a crumpled piece of parchment that looked as though it had been the victim of something thoroughly undeserved.
~*~
"Brother?"
Haldir looked up and saw Rumil, standing at the door of his quarters, an inquiring and curious expression on his face.
"Ah, Rumil!" Haldir tried to look cheerful but what with what was weighing down on his mind, it was near impossible to retain such a happy expression. He hurried up the steps to where his brother was waiting.
"What did Lord Celeborn wish to speak with you about, brother?"
"Rumil, before I tell you anything, I suggest we find Orophin. You need to be told this news together."
As soon as Orophin was sought out from the kitchens, after another unsuccessful attempt to 'borrow' a bottle of cherry wine, Haldir led his younger brothers to his quarters, closing the door quickly behind him.
"Now, I know this will be hard for you to come to terms with but-"
Orophin cut across him. "The cherry wine hasn't run out again, has it?" he groaned.
"No"
"The almonds?"
"No"
"The-"
"Look!" snapped Haldir, now thoroughly annoyed "Listen for a change, will you?"
Orophin fell silent but retained a sorrowful pout.
"Now. I have received news from Lord Celeborn that something is about to happen that can very easily go ill, should any of you…er… any of us, step out of line."
"Haldir, just spit it out will you" sighed Rumil.
Haldir drew a deep breath…..
~*~
"Oh, is that all?" Orophin stared at Haldir, looking thoroughly dumbfounded.
"What do you mean, 'is that all'? The last time Prince Legolas came to stay, it was chaos. Down to you two, I hasten to add." Haldir proceeded to point a finger accusingly at his brothers.
"Haldir, Haldir, Haldir" said Rumil, shaking his head in mock disbelief. "Have you learnt nothing about us over these past years?"
"Yes. That is why I told you now. You will have no time to plan anything to upset anyone or anything" sighed Haldir.
"As I said. You have learnt nothing. We have both grown up now, brother. Both Rumil and I are now responsible grown-up elves."
Rumil nodded to show his agreement.
"Yes" said Haldir, rolling his eyes. "That, is precisely what I am afraid of."
"And just exactly what is that supposed to mean?" Rumil narrowed his eyes.
"That you know more things that will cause upset, now than you ever did!"
Haldir looked between his two brothers. He wanted to trust they wouldn't do anything. But after what happened last time the son of King Thranduil came to stay…well, he didn't want to think about it. It made him feel nauseous.
"Come, Haldir. We'll behave ourselves." Orophin grinned at Haldir.
"Although" mused Rumil "It isn't our fault Prince Legolas hasn't got a sense of humour."
Haldir raised a brow. "He has a sense of propriety and dignity, Rumil. The last thing he needs is you two upsetting him."
"Propriety? Dignity?" Rumil failed to hide his mirth. "Haldir. He's just boring. No sense of fun, whatsoever."
"I think" mused Haldir "That whatever sense of fun he ever had, was sufficiently stamped out of him after being drugged and stuck up a tree in the middle of the night, only to fall right off it into the Nimrodel as soon as he woke up. That was brutal."
"Haldir, the branch was only eight feet off the ground" smirked Rumil.
Haldir shot a glare at Rumil.
"Don't worry Haldir. We will behave. Honestly" Orophin smiled sweetly at his elder brother.
Haldir sighed. "Alright. But if anything, and I mean anything, goes wrong. I shall know straight where to come.
With that, Haldir stalked out of the door, leaving the two brothers alone. Unfortunately for Haldir he accidentally let go of the paper he had been carrying. Doubly unfortunately, it was the letter that had been sent to Celeborn regarding Legolas' visit, and it was from the Prince himself.
"Rumil, what is that?" Orophin pointed at the paper which was fluttering slightly from the breeze coming from the open door.
"Haldir must have dropped it" grinned Rumil, moving to pick it up.
"Well, what is it?" pressed Orophin.
"Here" Rumil shoed the letter to Orophin who scanned it quickly, stopping short and reading the last line out.
"…..Oh, and please keep those ruffians away from me whilst I am in Lorien. I would hate it to be a repeat experience. Many thanks and I look forward to my visit.
~Prince Legolas, Son of King Thranduil of the woodland realm of Mirkwood."
"Well!" gasped Rumil "That really takes the biscuit!"
Orophin, on the other-hand remained perfectly calm and poised. That is, apart from the inane grin that was slowly spreading across his face.
"Rumil, dear brother. We were going to behave!"
~*~
"Now remember" said Haldir sharply "No comments. No…no funny business. Just smile, shake hands then leave."
"We know Haldir" groaned Rumil "We've known since you started telling us yesterday evening…."
"…and when you woke us up in the middle of the night to check we still hadn't forgotten" glared Orophin.
Haldir chose to ignore the last comment. Instead he busied himself straightening his belt and checking his hair.
"Why do we have to dress up?" moaned Orophin, adjusting his robes for the third time "It's not like we're greeting King Thranduil himself. Besides, this thing itches!"
Haldir turned and fixed his brother with a very stern look.
"Because the Prince is held in very high regard so we must show the proper respect."
"Why is he coming anyway?" Rumil frowned. "It's deathly dull when he's here. Gliding around the place like a great looming black cloud of dullness and boredom"
"I forbid you to talk in that manner to him." warned Haldir "The last thing we need is you spouting that out."
"Oh yeah. I'm really going to walk up to him and say 'How do you fare this day, o'looming black cloud of dullness and boredom. Tell me, have you developed a sense of humour yet?' " mocked Rumil.
"You know what I meant"
"But why is he coming?" asked Rumil again.
"Shut up, Rumil".
Minutes later, the three brothers walked out to where their Lord and Lady were speaking with Legolas who had just arrived.
Orophin caught snatches of the conversation as they neared the flet.
"….yes, I am hoping to finish that particular piece while I am here, my Lord."
"Indeed? I am sure it will prove excellent."
"Ah, Haldir. You have arrived just in time." Lord Celeborn greeted Haldir and his brothers.
"Legolas, you remember Haldir, do you not?"
Haldir turned to Legolas and bowed his head in respect.
"Of course. It is a pleasure to see you again, Captain" smiled the Prince.
"The pleasure is all mine. I hope you will enjoy your stay here."
Celeborn's eyes glinted as he spied Rumil and Orophin standing behind Haldir.
"You remember….well, Rumil and Orophin too, I expect" said Celeborn.
Legolas wheeled round at the mention of his tormentor's names. As he caught sight of the brothers, his eyes widened.
"How could I forget?" he said, without the faintest hint of amusement and extended his hand politely. Rumil and Orophin took it in turn to shake his hand then returned to their former still positions
"Haldir, why don't you show Prince Legolas up to his quarters" suggested Celeborn quickly.
"Very well" bowed Haldir and retreated from the flet, Legolas following quickly behind him, apparently only to eager to leave.
"Rumil, Orophin. You too may go back to your quarters" said Celeborn simply.
~*~
The following days passed very uneventfully, for everyone that is, except Rumil and Orophin.
They found themselves being constantly 'reminded' by Haldir, to keep their "noses clean" and their "heads down".
Unfortunately for them , Haldir suddenly took it upon himself that they would not remember this fact if they were only told during the day. He took to waking them up in the small hours and telling them another few times, just to make sure.
"I am going to go mad if he tells us to 'keep our noses clean' again" said Rumil, one morning after Haldir's second lecture of the day.
"I know, brother. It's almost worth doing something to the dear Prince, just to hear Haldir talk to us about something different."
A wistful look came over Rumil's eyes. "I have an idea" he said thoughtfully.
"Oh no!" groaned Orophin.
"No, listen. I've got a way we can liven things up, without getting into any trouble."
Orophin gaped at him. "Rumil. That is like saying you can live without breathing."
Rumil stood up. "Come. Walk with me."
"What?" Orophin stared up at his brother, at a loss for what to say.
"It always looks less suspicious walking and talking quietly, than sitting and talking quietly" explained Rumil.
"Oh. Right" agreed Orophin.
~*~
"What are you two grinning about?" Haldir looked suspiciously across at his two brothers, both who were trying (and failing) to look neutral.
"Nothing. We're just glad to be alive" said Rumil in what he sincerely hoped was a convincing tone.
"Now I know you two are up to something."
"Why do you always think so little of us?" Rumil turned and pretended to sob into his hands, shaking as he did so.
Haldir sighed and turned his concentration back to his meal, as did his brothers, eventually.
"Er….Haldir?"
"Mmmm?"
"What is this?" Orophin stared at his plate, which was, at this precise moment in time, filled with what closely resembled dark green sludge.
"That" said Haldir after swallowing a large mouthful of the stuff "Is a delicacy that the Prince taught the kitchen staff how to cook."
"Oh" replied Orophin "So now he is running Lorien as well as converting it into a place of dreariness. You know, I was walking past the rose garden yesterday, minding my own business and Legolas suddenly appeared coming the opposite way. I was going to just nod and greet him when my back was pushed forward and I found myself bowing to him instead! He nodded, flashed a smile and sauntered off again."
"Really?" Rumil stared at Orophin apparently lost for words.
"No, Rumil" said Orophin sarcastically "No, I made it up."
"But who pushed you forward?"
"Your friend. Whatsername? Oh yeah. Viola."
"Viola?" Rumil's mouth fell, if possible even wider.
"Yeah.. Oh, and she has a thing for our Ponce Legolas. When I was finally released from that uncomfortable position, she resembled a very ripe and giggling tomato!"
"Lay off him, will you?" said Haldir, beginning to get a little exasperated. "After all it was you two that caused him to develop a paranoia towards rivers"
"We did that?" said Orophin, now honestly surprised.
"I just thought he had had a childhood incident or something" Rumil stared at his brother, a triumphant grin on his face.
"No. It was you two" assured Haldir.
Orophin looked down at his plate again and grimaced.
"Do we have to eat this?" he asked Haldir in a pleading voice.
"No" replied Haldir simply "You can starve instead, if you prefer."
Rumil and Orophin exchanged happy glances and weighed out the options.
"Starve or…."
"…..die from Legolas' cooking?"
"I think we should starve" Orophin said, arms folded across his chest.
"I agree, brother. It would probably be a lot less painful!"
With that, both Rumil and Orophin made a swift exit from the hall leaving Haldir staring exasperatedly after them.
~*~
"Very clever, brother" said Rumil admiringly as they wandered away from the dining hall.
"I know. Now we have even more time to go and pay dear Legolas a surprise visit" grinned Orophin. "Now, what was the plan again?"
~*~
Legolas looked up in surprise as he heard a knock on the door. Sighing, he put his work away to one side and resigned to the fact that he would probably not be given any peace tonight.
"Come in"
The door opened and in came Rumil followed swiftly by Orophin. Legolas looked up, and what colour there was in his already pale face, left it.
"What do you want?" he narrowed his eyes at the brothers as they entered and closed the door behind them.
"We were just wandering how you are faring."
"I am very well thank you. Now if that was all….."
Orophin's eyes darted towards the paperwork on Legolas' table and he moved forward for a closer look. He hadn't gone far, however when he was stopped short by an urgent voice.
"Er…please don't touch that. The er… the ink is drying."
"Looks pretty dry to me" said Orophin with a raised brow.
"No. It is still wet. So if that was all you came for…."
Orophin suddenly put on an expression of deep hurt. "Alright then. Come, Rumil. We shan't stay where we aren't wanted!" He moved to go.
"So that really was all you came for?"
Orophin and Rumil exchanged surprised glances
"Er…yes."
"Oh".
~*~
A very long pause followed this remark. The three elves now found themselves in the exact position that many of us have, at some time in our lives, experienced to a certain degree. It is defined in the many encyclopaedias found throughout the realms, as being, what many people have grown to call "an irritating long pause".
Simple though it may seem, this "irritating long pause" can often have disastrous effects. Such as waiting around for the other person to speak while you slowly begin to dehydrate from lack of liquid. The untimely demise of Sir Englebert Fitzwarren was caused by such an event. However, his death was said to have been from "natural causes". Let us just hope that the elves, who we will shortly re-join, do not experience such effects……
~*~
"So you two have come to your senses at last?" Legolas raised a brow in question to the two brothers.
"In what sense?"
"You are responsible grown up elves!" Legolas suddenly grinned at the pair, whilst Rumil looked extremely ill.
"Erm….well, yes. I suppose." Orophin gazed at Legolas' disconcerting happy face and felt a sharp feeling of unease from somewhere in the pit of his stomach.
"I am so glad!" Legolas was now positively beaming at them. In fact, Orophin felt that it wouldn't surprise him, if Legolas began to glow with happiness.
Rumil and Orophin exchanged frightened looks and in sync, they made a dash for the door. One nanosecond later, they heard Legolas' voice from behind.
"Oh, you're going for a nice walk. I'll come too!"
There was nothing they could do to stop him. The thoroughly elated Prince almost bounded out the door and "led the way", as he called it.
Rumil turned to Orophin as they all but ran to keep up with Legolas.
"What's got into him?" said Rumil
"I don't know. All I know is that our plan of making him paranoid has snuffed it! Come on, or we'll lose sight of him!"
"Not a bad idea" replied Rumil, thoughtfully.
~*~
"Must…..rest" groaned Rumil after their forty-third stroll aka power walk round the gardens.
"Need……water" replied Orophin, equally on the verge of sobbing.
"You're aren't …tired?" Legolas looked back at the pair, now seriously lagging behind. "I thought we elves don't get tired".
"Most elves don't make a point of going round the gardens forty-three times" said Rumil, now gasping for air and resigning to settling on the mossy ground against a large tree trunk.. His brother quickly followed suit.
Legolas just looked on at the pair, shaking his head in mock shame. He reached inside his tunic, pulled out a small glass bottle, and handed it to the brothers
"Drink a sip of that" he said as he handed the bottle to them "It'll get you restored in no time."
Being in the sorry condition they now found themselves in, the brothers were in no position to refuse. They each took a small sip and leaned back against the tree trunk, waiting for the draught to take effect.
Orophin looked up at Legolas, now replacing the bottle back inside his tunic and smiled gratefully up at the prince.
"Than-" was as far as he got before slumping down to the ground. Beside him, Rumil's head was slowly drooping onto his brother's shoulder. Evidently, both were now deep in slumber.
Legolas' face split into a wide and triumphant grin, as he surveyed the field of victory before him. Suddenly, two slim shapes emerged out of the bushes and picked up the sleeping forms of both Orophin and Rumil.
"Thank you, Haldir, my Lord, Celeborn!" said Legolas, smiling at the pair.
"It is our pleasure, Legolas" began Celeborn
"Besides, it'll be good for those two to get a taste of their own medicine again" finished Haldir.
With that, the trio padded silently back up to the brother's quarters. They first deposited the sleeping form of Orophin on his bed quickly followed by Rumil.
"Have you got the 'medicine?'" asked Legolas.
"Of course" replied Celeborn "Galadriel just leaves this stuff lying around. Never a thought that someone actually might want to borrow them!" The Lord of Lorien then reached inside his robes, and tipped several feminine looking items onto Orophin's bed.
"So. What do we have?" asked Haldir, staring down at the assortment of strange looking items.
Celeborn pointed to four glass bottles, each containing equally vivid liquid.
"These are nail polishes. We have four different colours. Silver, Aqua-blue, Passion-Pink and Glittery-Green." He smiled proudly. "The silver took me a while to get hold of. I eventually had to look in her pillowcase to find it. I mean, of all the places to hide it, why the pillowcase?"
"What's the rest?" said Legolas hurriedly.
"Well, we have blusher, eyeliner, eye shadow, lipstick, lip-gloss, body glitter and mascara."
Haldir smirked as the Legolas mentally ran down the list.
"Right!" Haldir grinned, taking the top off a bottle of nail varnish and picking up Orophin's right hand. "Let's get to work!"
~*~
Around fifteen minutes later, they stood back to admire their handiwork.
"Don't they look pretty?" Haldir gazed down at his brothers, a wicked grin playing across his face.
"They do indeed!" smirked Legolas.
Celeborn too could hardly contain his mirth as he thought of what possibilities could happen when the brothers woke up. "I suggest, Haldir, you take Rumil back to his room. Remove all mirrors at all costs."
Haldir nodded and he and Legolas picked up Rumil between them. Legolas carried Rumil's legs, whilst Haldir held the arms. Staggering out, they made their way slowly up to Rumil's quarters.
~*~
It took Rumil around three minutes to decide two things. (A) Why he was lying on his bed in the middle of the day and (B) how he got there. He eventually decided that he must have fallen asleep next to the tree and Legolas and Orophin had carried him upstairs to sleep. Yes. That would be it. Strangely enough, thoughts of a similar questioning and answering were floating across the mind of Orophin, as he too, lay on his bed pondering these questions.
Luckily, neither of the brothers realised that their mirrors had been removed from their rooms. They were far too busy deciding what was most likely to be on offer in the dining hall, because, judging from the poor quality of the light, it must be just before the evening meal.
They wandered out of their rooms, slightly disorientated from such an early sleep in the day and made for the dining hall.
~*~
"Do you think they'll turn up?" Legolas shot a questioning glance at Haldir.
"Oh, they will. If I know anything about them, it's that their brains don't function properly when they're hungry."
Legolas looked up at the top table to where Celeborn and Galadriel were seated. Celeborn caught Legolas' eye and grinned.
Suddenly, the door was opened and in strode Rumil. Seemingly oblivious to the gaping stares and stifled laughs that broke out when he entered, he made for the table where his brother and Legolas were seated and sat down next to him.
The whole hall fell quiet.
"What?" Rumil raised a brow at Haldir, who had somehow managed to keep a straight face.
"I have no idea, brother. Could you pass the butter?"
Rumil looked slightly convinced and passed the butter.
Legolas, on the other hand, looked as though he was about to wet himself.
"What is wrong?" Rumil asked the prince, apparently concerned for his well-being.
Legolas gave a smart cough and sat up again.
"N-Nothing" he coughed "I simply had something stuck in my..er…my throat."
Rumil nodded and went on with buttering his roll.
Minutes later, the door opened again. This time, it was Orophin who entered. He received much the same response as Rumil. However, he took one look at his brother and burst out laughing, much to Rumil's confusion. However, when Rumil looked up and saw his brother's face, he too erupted into peels of laughter.
Haldir looked up at Celeborn and saw that even the elven lord was having a job trying to hide his mirth. He had a napkin firmly pressed to his mouth, but every second, the corners of his mouth would twitch.
Legolas, meanwhile, had long resigned to his laughter and by now, the whole hall was beside themselves.
"T-Tell me Rumil" said Orophin, tears of laughter running down his face "Have you ever heard of a thing called a mirror?"
Rumil's eyes widened as he registered the oddity of the remark being directed towards him. "Why? Have you?"
"Pardon?" Orophin raised an brow in deep confusion.
Rumil pointed at his own eye. "Because you've smudged it".
"No I haven't. You have!"
"What?"
Both elves stopped laughing immediately and the colour drained from their faces.
They turned to face Legolas.
"Erm…..Legolas? May we borrow your mirror?"
Still sniggering, Legolas reached inside his tunic and pulled out a small, silver mirror.
Rumil took the mirror cautiously off Legolas and peered into it.
Rumil stared, unbelieving at his face, now resembling something ornamental and let out a shrill scream of terror and covered his face, whimpering in fright. Blue eyelids, were accented with heavy black mascara and rosy cheeks. His lips too were glossy and bright red. His eyes wandered down to look at his hands, each nail alternately coloured with pink and silver nail polish.
Hurriedly, he passed the mirror to Orophin who, after seeing Rumil's reaction, was somewhat reluctant to look into it.
Orophin's face could now be mistaken for a direct descendant of a butterfly. His eyelids were covered in bright pink eye shadow and he also wore equally black mascara and eyeliner. Upon his nails, he wore alternate green and blue nail polish. His cheeks, like Rumil's, were rosy and his lips, (although not red) were both glossy and silver.
Unlike Rumil, Orophin simply remained calm. He passed the mirror back to Legolas, who took it, a little surprised at this lack of reaction. Orophin grabbed Rumil by the hand and almost ran from the hall, closing the door heavily behind him.
The hall fell silent. Once outside, you could be forgiven for thinking that something not unlike a volcanic eruption had occurred. All down the hall came immensely loud crashes and the echoing shouts of a very stunned and angry Orophin.
Legolas turned to face Haldir who was still grinning at his brother's extreme reactions.
"I must visit more often if that's the kind of entertainment here!" Haldir smirked and raised his glass to Legolas'
"To plans working out better than we'd hoped!"
"I'll drink to that!".
~*~
END