AUTHOR'S NOTE: YES! I'm on a roll! No it isn't dead! Hope you enjoy.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own characters.
Make My Dreams Come True
"I come here too often…I wonder if you grow weary of my presence Belldandy. I wonder if your heart aches that your beloved is not coming here. I apologize…I am a poor substitute."
Morgan did come here too often. Even if she probably was not welcome here…it calmed her. Standing in front of the gravestone of Keiichi's beloved put the world into a glacially clear perspective. She didn't understand the goddess…but Morgan believed she understood the goddess' feelings. She too had wanted to see Keiichi again.
Urd had not come to visit her sister's grave. Maybe it was that the older goddess still refused to believe Belldandy was dead. She was a goddess after all…there were things Urd knew that were beyond the Fairie's scope of comprehension. But Belldandy had chosen to live a life with a mortal…as a mortal. For all reasons intent, her soul would have chosen this spot as her resting place just to wait for Keiichi to come to her.
Waiting…what an ironic word. Who was more urgent? The goddess who loved her beloved? Or the Fairie who…what?
Morgan glumly bowed her head. Her feelings were so distorted…so badly changing. They contradicted each other so badly. It wasn't soul malaise. What was Keiichi to her? To be sure he had become an important…an integral part of her life…but why? When did she stop thinking of him as Belldandy's beloved?
When did she start thinking of him as…as…hers? Not lover…maybe not even confidant…but simply hers? Why had she felt so desperate as to force him to make that promise with her? Why was Urd's assessment of her so close to hitting its mark?
To be sure, Morgan recognized some things. She only liked the tea Keiichi made for her…otherwise it tasted bland and watery. She liked holding his hand when he would help her to her feet…sometimes she held on a second too long. She liked it when Keiichi would talk…about her feelings…his day…her health…them…not Belldandy.
She liked it when Keiichi would forget about his goddess just for an instant. When the sad melancholy would lift for that moment and he could smile at her without regret or fear. It had been a long time since Morgan felt that way about anyone.
Morgan liked it when Keiichi would smile at her…
Did Keiichi ever smile to Belldandy like that?
Was there a part in Keiichi's heart that was special…only to her? If there wasn't…then Morgan was nothing more to him than just a replacement for Belldandy. And that thought, the Fairie could not stomach. She had feelings for Keiichi…that much she could not deny. But Morgan was Morgan…she would not be Urd, God…or Belldandy.
Not even if she tried.
But if there was a part in Keiichi's heart just for her…than maybe. Maybe because Morgan didn't know either if she was replacing her beloved with Keiichi as well. Nothing seemed clear anymore. What did she want…from the past…in the future…and now…here…at the present?
She wished someone could give her an answer…
But most of all, she was tired of waiting. Why was it that no matter how much something meant to her…no matter how precious she held it to her heart…Kami-sama always found a way to take it from her? Why did she always stand alone…wondering how long her heart could take it this time?
"Hurts…doesn't it?"
Morgan smiled but felt almost no surprise. "I was just thinking…Urd…how long it might take before I see you here."
Shrugging in response, Urd stepped up besides the Fairie besides the gravestone. "I didn't come here to see Bell though. I came here to see you."
"I thought as much…in fact…I thought I might have figured it out." Morgan sighed, "Belldandy was a goddess. Is there a difference between how a mortal dies…and how a goddess dies?"
"Not in the mortal sense." Urd's reply was resigned. "Goddesses…Gods…we die too. When we pass, we say good-bye to our loved ones…and the rest is silence. But…yes… there is an almost significant difference."
"Valhalla? The fields of Elysia?" Noticing Urd's slight widening of eye, Morgan shrugged. "I have heard the rumors…as well as most immortals. If the legends are true, Belldandy must have been guaranteed a resting place there…"
"I don't know for sure, Morgan…but I wouldn't doubt it for a second then?"
"Is that why then? Is that the reason why Peorth took Keiichi to heaven."
"No. It can't be. No one, much less Peorth, has such gall. Have you heard the phrase, 'Respect the Dead'? The living are not allowed to enter…and the dead are not allowed to return. It has been that way forever. When death passes…it is time to say good-bye. No matter how much you loved them. No matter how much joy you had in life. Nothing will change that."
"…" Morgan's smile went raw. "You are probably too right. Thank you for reminding me of that again." Even though she probably didn't mean to, Urd couldn't help but pick up the sense of bitterness reflected in her voice.
"…I was right then, wasn't I? It hurts…doesn't it?"
"Yes. It's the soul malaise and something more." Morgan chuckled as she involuntarily clenched her heart. "It drives me insane…even when I know I can't change a single thing…it still hurts. The happier I am…the more the pain comes back when the euphoria disappears."
Urd glanced at her through the corner of her eye. "How much is it worth for you to stop the pain?"
"Eh?"
Urd turned around and stared directly into Morgan's eyes. "How much are you willing to lose…in order to stop the pain?" She withdrew a small flask from her cloak. "I think I know a way for the pain to end…maybe even to heal your sickness…but it is not without price. Like many things in life, it has a cost…so tell me Morgan. How much are you willing to pay?"
***
"I am Belldandy. I…I am sorry…" Smiling warmly, Belldandy ran a hand through her hair and blushed. "I just had this oddest feeling I've met you before. Please, tell me your name."
She didn't remember. It was much like when her memory had been erased by Celestine. When she even had difficulty recognizing where she was…and who he was. But it was different now. Whereas once her past memories had been locked away, now they were simply gone. This woman before him simply had not met him before in her…life…
Amazing that she still wore her wedding and engagement bands.
Amazing that her smile had lost nothing to death. She was still as beautiful as he had always remembered him.
Opening his mouth, only to find his vocal cords refused to function, Keiichi struggled in vain to keep his emotions in clamp. More importantly he struggled to keep himself from throwing his arms around this woman to prove to himself he wasn't dreaming. But he already knew he wasn't dreaming. His heart was beating far too fast to prove otherwise.
Her face falling ever-so-slightly at his silence, Belldandy apologized. "I'm sorry…I have disturbed you." Giving him a last, long look, she began turning around. "Forgive me."
"No…" Before he even was consciously aware, his hand reached out and clenched her hand in his. It was a stunning feeling…to have something so familiar in his hand once again. Her hand was warm and instantly molded against his. And before he knew it, Belldandy was smiling at him…the smile he loved to see. The smile that made his knees so very weak and seemed to glow with its own light.
It was amazing…because this was the very first time he could remember where he couldn't smile back. All he could do was hold her hand against his and whisper, "Don't go…"
"I am glad you don't want me to go…"
"…"
"Because…" Clasping his hand in both of hers, Belldandy replied, "I did not want to go…please, tell me your name."
"Morisato…Keiichi Morisato."
"Morisato-san…" Belldandy rolled the name of her tongue. "It's a very nice name…it is very easy for me to say.
"…" It should be…we were married once…you and I. The two rings I gave you…that you wear on your hand…were from my heart. Belldandy, you were the center of my life. And I loved you so very much…
Or at least that was what Keiichi wanted to say. But the words wouldn't come out…and if they did, he doubted they would really convey what he wanted to say.
Belldandy had not changed at all.
Her smile was still so brilliant…and she held his hand as tightly as she had once did in life…when they didn't even think anyone could separate them. She still seemed so innocent…and so pure. But he had changed in her absence. Keiichi could tell in an instant. He couldn't smile with her anymore…and he couldn't raise his eyes to meet hers anymore.
But…even if all that was true…he still couldn't let go of her hand. He couldn't erase his sadness even if his happiness…even if Belldandy was next to him right now. But he wanted to…badly.
"…why don't you smile…even once?" Tipping his chin up to gaze into his eyes, Belldandy stepped closer towards him. "This sad look in your eyes does not suit you well."
"I'm…I'm sorry…"
"Are you afraid of me?"
"…I don't know." Keiichi shuddered slightly. "I don't know how I should feel right now."
"Don't say that. Please don't say that." Belldandy shook her head and whispered, "Something in my heart aches when you say that. Don't be afraid of me." She gestured around her at the fields. "This place is beautiful…is it not? It…it makes me very happy when I walk through it…would you smile? Would you be happy if you walked through these fields with me?"
She was still naïve like that.
Belldandy never could understand…and he couldn't make her understand…that through all of Fate, this was his happiness. Holding her hand and letting the rest of the world spin its course. It was impossible to think so much. He had forgotten he spun with the world…not against it. Time had not stopped for him.
But, right now, that was a moot point. The wind was softly blowing as the grass rippled smoothly…invitingly. The earth was soft and soothingly damp while the sun was a crystal blue that stretched on as far as the eye could see. And someone…someone incredibly precious to him was holding onto his hand asking him to share this moment with her.
The small things usually don't matter. That's because if they matter at all…then they really aren't very small, are they?
"More than just happy."
"…Thank you."
***
"What is that?"
Urd gripped the flask tightly as the memories flooded her back again. Walking up to the gravestone, she laid a cool hand on the surface and smiled. "Morgan…do you know what's worse than that empty feeling in your heart?"
"No. I do not."
"Insincerity…something going wrong…impossibly wrong from someone you least expected it from. Watching a world fall apart and knowing there might not have been another way. I hate Celestine, you know. I still hate him."
"…" Morgan averted her eyes to the ground. "His goals…his dreams were the same as mine. He opened his eyes were I felt no immortal would dare look upon. I'm sorry Urd, but I cannot understand your feelings."
"He betrayed my sister. He betrayed the trust I put in him…the trust anyone, even God, put in him. Her smile…Belldandy's smile…it was because of him that it lost so much of its shine. He had no reason to do so. If it was his vendetta against God, then it was his vendetta alone. He chose to involve Belldandy instead. He hid behind her…"
"…I have heard the stories, the rumors."
"She was devastated. I have never seen Belldandy so completely devastated. She almost…" Urd scoffed, "What am I saying? She did die. After Father dealt with Celestine, she lost her will to live…my dearest sister. She lay there on her bed, tears streaming from her eyes, completely mute, staring so vacantly at nothing, it felt like her soul was bleeding through her eyes…and I forced myself to watch through it. Even when Skuld broke down and ran down the hall crying…I forced myself to sit through it. Even when Belldandy probably didn't remember my name…my voice."
"Then how…?"
"How did she get over it? She didn't."
"I…I don't understand."
"Belldandy was very prepared to die on the spot. Your soul malaise was nothing compared to what I saw. She was welcoming death…and nothing, I doubt even Keiichi, could have stopped her. Her entire belief of Heaven…her faith in Heaven…it was all shattered."
"She shouldn't have had such faith in Heaven to begin with."
"Why? You did. Disillusionment is never instant. We all learn to hate. It never comes naturally."
Morgan's voice was achingly subdued yet carried no venom. "Yes…I know. I had to didn't I? If I had known the consequences…really known the consequences…" She shook her head, "I would not have passed the Gate. Please, continue this story. Why did we take such opposite directions? What kept Belldandy believing?"
"This." Setting the flask on the gravestone, Urd turned around and stood by the Fairie's side. "And when it passed…it was as if the pain was never there."
"…as if the pain was never there…" Morgan incredulously stared at Urd, "Surely you jest…"
"We made her forget everything Morgan. Everything. We had intended for it to clear just her memories of Celestine but…perhaps the effects of the draught were too…thorough."
"It worked though?"
"Yes. Amazingly…amazingly well. By the next day, it was as if the night had never come to pass on Belldandy's eyes. She smiled at me…at Skuld…as if nothing had happened. Skuld was ecstatic to see her beloved sister recover so fitfully." Urd laughed shortly. "I sometimes think the draught worked on Skuld as well. I think Skuld actually forced herself to forget the misery Belldandy went through as well."
Searching through the goddess' eyes, Morgan whispered, "But you…you are not that shallow. Tell me, how did you feel. What were your feelings?"
"Half." Urd whispered back, "Half of me was happy…half of me wondered what in Kami Sama's name had we done."
"Did you ever try to talk to Belldandy about this?"
"Morgan, please understand. I was just happy my sister was alive. I could not make myself force Belldandy into seeing something that had traumatized her so badly."
"And now…" Rather than sounding accusing, Morgan's tone was simply inquiring, "You mean for me to take this draught…and simply forget?"
"…" Urd's shoulders sagged noticeably, "Is there another way Morgan? Do you think there's another way to escape your soul malaise? Your soul is collapsing itself just like Belldandy's was. Some immortals in Heaven have a nice theory for it, but I believe I see it clearly enough. It's heartbreak. Simple as that."
"Heartbreak…?" Morgan smiled, "Of course. The Fairie's indescribable pain at the loss of her love is killing her. Is that it?"
"Please don't be sarcastic with me. Not here…not now."
"Forgetting…Urd, do you honestly think it is worth it?"
"It can mean that you have the chance to live again. You can leave everything behind."
"Live…for what, Urd? I've lived for my beloved for so long, that I've lost any other reason to live. If I forget that…" Morgan slid Urd's hand into hers and asked earnestly, "If I forget that, what else do I have?"
"…"
"Thank you. Believe me, when I say that I am very grateful for the feelings behind your actions. I thank you for being so earnest in your efforts to healing my sickness. But the pain has been something I have been dealing with for far too long…I cannot forget it. Not when anything good I have ever experienced has stemmed from that pain."
"You could die…you must understand that."
"…Yes."
"Do you? Do you honestly? You said you wouldn't have anything to live for if you forget…" Urd's voice was pleading, "Morgan, what do you have to live for now? What do you have to live for that is worth dying for?"
"…Everything."
"Everything?"
"Yes. Everything that is mine…" Morgan held her breath unconsciously as if daring herself to hope, "…and everything that could be mine. Something that's more important than just dying for…"
"What?"
"Something Urd," Morgan smiled wanly, "Something that's worth waiting for.
"…"
"I've waited so long, I don't even know what I expect to come anymore. I don't even know what I should do…what I should feel. But when it does come…when I can stop waiting…I know…I am sure that I will not be as naive as before."
"What will you do differently?"
"That's an easy question…" Morgan smiled. "I'll find a way to never have to wait again."
***
"Good…very good answer. From all of you. Not what I had expected…but nonetheless, both of you are performing very much the way I had hoped you would." Peorth smiled as her Angel curiously nudged her shoulder from behind. "Now dear, don't be impatient…the best things in life always take so much time. Yet…perhaps you do have a point. The conclusion is coming very…very quickly."
The gaze in her Angel's eyes was very earnest.
"You believe I know what I am doing? Of course I don't know what I'm doing. The choices that lie ahead and the path that comes before us, is not of my design. They are the results of the mortals who make those decisions. I am just as confused as you are dear. You give me far too much credit. Do try to be sensible even if you are my Angel."
Laughing at the face her Angel made, Peorth sighed, "But of course…I am doing all this for selfish reasons myself. We all do. What was that? You want to know what my selfish reason is?" Flicking her Angel's nose, Peorth lightly kissed her on the cheek. "That is something that I'm going to just have to keep secret…even from you dear (don't make that face again, you know I always love you best)…for just a while longer."
***
"I love walking here. It always makes me feel better." Belldandy giggled, "This is the first time someone walked with me. Want to know a secret?"
"Eh?"
Leaning close to his ear, Belldandy whispered, "I think I like it better like this. Thank you."
Blushing in self-awareness, Keiichi whispered back, "It's nothing…really."
"…" Belldandy clasped his hand tightly in hers and pulled him forward. "Come, I wish to show you something." Smiling as he almost tripped behind in her haste, Belldandy nonetheless pulled him forward. "Don't worry about falling. The grass is soft…and besides…"
And before Keiichi could even react, Belldandy had already stopped and pulled him with her to the ground. Placing his head to rest in her lap, she smiled at the blush on his face as he stared up at her. "If you do fall…know that it is never a bad thing."
"But…"
Belldandy placed a finger on her lips and shook her head. "Don't speak…" Letting her finger slide down his cheek she continued in a slow whisper, "Anything you have to say, say it later. I am sure it is important…but…" Her face dropped. "But every time you speak to me, you look sad. You look as if you might start crying."
"…where are we though?"
"…does it matter so much?"
"…"
Belldandy softly nuzzled her cheek against the top of his head. "Do not look sad when you look at me. It hurts my soul…very much. The truth is I do not know where we are…all I know is that I am here with you. That is all." Her hands clasped him tighter against her. "Forgive me…can we stay here…for just awhile longer?"
"…yes."
Belldandy smiled. "Thank you."
***
Damn…
It had been close…too close. Morgan slumped to the ground as her right hand quivered uncontrollably. Staring at the wall with vacant eyes, she bunched herself tightly as the last of the spasms quivered against her body.
Too close. Far too close.
Brilliance aside…morals aside…that had been too close. Urd probably didn't know, and it was only until Urd had left her alone by the apartment had she known, just how close it was. To forget…to never have realized that there had been a pain to start…by Kami-sama how would that feel? Hating more…loving less…what would be the difference? To finally take a deep breath, and realize that the air was still sweet. To see a smile and take for granted how natural such an action was.
By Kami-sama…to see Heaven as bliss again.
Even though she couldn't stand those thoughts, a part of her needed to believe that. Needed too start living again. Squelching her emotions to a razor-edge…honing the bitterness in her eyes to a cutting point…that was not her. The hatred, the malice, the fine line between insanity and knowledge…that was not her. She was a Fairie…a Natural. She had not been born into this world to hate it.
But she did hate it. She hated it so much that it frightened her. It frightened her so damn much.
Unlike most mortals, she had never learned to love her hatred. Like everything else, she had learned to hate her hatred. And, just as Urd said, as she had hated Kami-sama, a part of her being had started to hate herself. To blame her for the loss of her beloved. And watching Belldandy pass had only burned the sore into her soul.
She had not believed…but that couldn't be wrong…
She had not loved enough…but she had loved him so much…
She didn't hold on…but she had held his hand so tightly, she could still feel his impression on her hand after he was gone.
She had to be Morgan…had to be imperfect…but that was all she ways. All she could be.
It wasn't her fault. All she had dared was to fall in love with a mortal. How did that warrant such punishment? How did she deserve blame when all she did was trust in her feelings? And yet, it was her fault. All her fault. And the voice in her soul never let her forget that.
Was it worth forgetting? Was the pain worth letting go of?
Undoubtedly. Her beloved had probably died a long time ago…had probably found a new love…like most mortals, pain was such an ephemeral feeling. He had probably forgotten about her…she did not know.
But…
She had promised Keiichi that if he ever returned, she would be here waiting. That someone would be there to smile at his return and give him her fondest wishes…whether those wishes left her devastated or not. There was that chance…always that chance. That even if Keiichi returned, he would only return to say good-bye. And that this time, she would have no one to hate but herself.
She didn't want to hate herself anymore. She wanted to love again. And she wanted to love…
No…
Morgan's eyes shot wide open in shock as her body suddenly went completely rigid. Her lower lip trembled as the thought finally struck her. Hysterically grabbing the carpet below her, Morgan laughed softly. "Why…why would I want that? Haven't I learned? Haven't I learned a single thing? Why would I want that?
She shuddered in almost half-pain, "Why do I want to fall in love with him? WHY?"
It was only an invitation to more pain. It only offered to tear fresh scars that were hardly healed. It made so little sense…but yet…she wanted it. She wanted to fall in love with Keiichi Morisato more than anything.
But that wasn't all.
She wanted him to fall in love with her as well.
Even if it meant he was betraying Belldandy…and even if it meant they had to pass the damn gate again. And even when Morgan knew, she couldn't pass such a test.
Why? Why did she remain so naively foolish?
It didn't matter. Maybe she had always been naive…but it didn't matter. Belldandy aside, Kami-sama aside, tests and goddamn Fate aside…it was what she wanted. And what terrified her the most was that she might even be willing to set her own beloved aside for another chance. If Keiichi was to betray Belldandy for loving her…she would have to betray her beloved as well.
"I don't know what to do…I just don't know…"
But she finally knew, after all these years of fighting Kami-sama and all of Heaven… after all these years of fighting herself…
She finally knew what she wanted.
Does that mean something? Does that make anything better…did it?
***
"You are not from here…are you?" Belldandy's voice was quiet yet seemed unusually loud. Maybe it was because they had not spoken in such a long while. Maybe it was because he was straining so hard to keep every bit of this moment locked in his heart. Because he was so scared it was going to be gone in a heartbeat.
"No."
"But I know you…I know." Placing a finger on his lips to forestall any comment, Belldandy whispered softly, "Do not deny…do not try to explain. Holding you like this…watching the world like this…it is all too familiar. But I know I have never seen your face before." She smiled down at him. "What does that mean?"
"…I don't know."
"…Morisato-san…" Belldandy scoffed slightly, "No, I don't like saying that. Keiichi…kun…" She nodded slowly, "Yes, that sounds much better. Keiichi-kun, be honest with me…promise me you will be honest with me."
"…" Keiichi nodded wordlessly.
"Have we met…no, why ask such a useless question. I already know the answer." Belldandy's eyes wavered as she tried to ask the right question, "Did we…when we were together…were we…." Belldandy laughed at her own inability, "I don't even know what to say…"
"Yes."
"Eh?"
Reaching up, Keiichi easily caressed her cheek. It was remarkable how easily she responded to his touch. Almost immediately, Belldandy bent her head against his palm, nuzzling it ever so slightly. "I think you were the most important person in my life."
"…" Belldandy's face was awash in a bright blush that easily illuminated her earnest expression. "Am I? Am I still?"
"Yes…you still are."
"I understand…" Belldandy smiled but the smile did not reach her eyes. "Even though K-kun…we can't be together anymore. Even though I belong to you…and you belong to me…we still can't stay be each other's side."
Keiichi's eyes widened. "Bell…"
"Baka…did you really think I would forget?" Cradling him tightly against her, Keiichi could hear her voice crack dangerously. "Did you think for a moment I would ever…ever forget how much I loved you?"
"But…"
Although her face was buried in his hair, Keiichi knew Belldandy was crying. It came as the slight dampness of her cheek against his forehead. The tightness of her arms against his chest and her broken breathing as she spoke. "I won't forget. I would never forget…K-kun…even though I'm crying…thank you. Thank you so much for not forgetting either."
***
The phone rang. Even when Morgan made no move to lift the receiver, it rang. Lost in her train of thoughts, still the incessant ringing showed no sign of abating. Finally losing her patience, Morgan rose to her feet and lifted the receiver. "Moshi-moshi, Morisato residence."
"Congratulations, you've reached the Earth Assistance Hotline."
Morgan's eyes widened, "I…I beg your pardon."
The voice over the phone laughed softly. "Don't. I would've waited but I have been dying for your call for far too long. Your heart is worthy, Morgan. Whether you believe it or not, I entitle you to one wish."
"You…you must be joking."
"One wish, Morgan. Anything your heart desires. It is your turn to make that decision. I, Peorth of the Roses, will do all in her power to make it so." Peorth's voice was soft, "Ma Cherie…allow me to give you some advice: Be very careful what you wish for. From here on out, we've just thrown Destiny straight out the window."
tbc