Authors Notes: - I swear to God I was completely lucid when I wrote this. No drugs, alcohol or other mind altering paraphernalia were used in the creation of this story. I got the idea for this after I saw the last Matrix movie with my friend. We were listening to Classical music on the way home and our inside joke is when ever we hear classical music I announce what Alucard would be fighting to the tune of that song. (Zombies, vampires, Dracula, and in this case…) I really do think I am insane. Don't commit me! Please!
Matrix: Symphony of the Night
Heavy, slowly, ascending and descending classical music filled the scene. Rain poured down in slow motion from the heavy black sky. Falling upon rows upon rows of Agent Smith's that lined up across either side of the deserted city street; observing the scene unfolding before them with cold deadpan faces. As lightning illuminated the dark buildings around them, they cast light on countless more suited, sunglass wearing, dower faced, simulacra cast their gaze below. They watched intently, patiently, all moving as one, as if nothing more than mirror images of each other and not autonomous beings.
To one side of the endless rows of carbon copies walked a unique figure. His long golden curly locks hung limply from his head, dripping and heavy from the endless onslaught from above. A heavy cloak covered his tall lean frames and hung in loose folds from his broad powerful shoulders. A pair of cold blue eyes stared intently ahead, paying no attention to the spectacle around him. His face was fae, almost effeminate but still unmistakably masculine. The formidable figure of the man moved with steady grace and determination. Every movement of his form was well calculated and spoke of power far beyond his human body. The pavement crunched under his booted heel, ringing surprisingly loud over the torrent of rain about him. No other sounds but his footsteps, the rain beating steadily against everything and everyone and the intermittent peals of thunder filled the air.
Abruptly one of the Smiths broke ranks and moved into the middle of the street and faced his opponent. A smirk spread across his expressive face, his eyes glimmered with sick glee behind his rain splattered sunglasses. Every wrinkle in his rain soaked suit echoed the unending number of clones. His carefully slicked back hair was beginning to become unstyled in the rain, ecstatically like every other Agent around him. His water logged suit hung on his lean unassuming but still strong shape.
The elegant man facing him came to a stop and for a long moment a silence stretched between them, accented by the almost constant shock of thunder and flashes over their heads. The sovereign Smith's smirk grew and he formed his hands into tight firsts, his knuckles cracking as he did so. His adversary paralleled him, his stance widening and his fists tightening; just as Smith's had.
"Hello again Mr.Tepes." Agent Smith intoned drolly.
Alucard didn't reply and simply continued staring at the Agent coolly. Nothing about him moved. The water hit him and slid off slowly, unable to absorb further into his already too wet clothes.
"I can't really understand why you've bothered to come at all." Smith motioned around him dramatically. "You don't stand a chance and yet you continue to fight. Such is human nature I suppose." He laughed dryly.
The man threw aside his cloak in one dramatic gesture. The garment flew briefly through the air then descended to the ground, landing at the feet of several copies. Their eyes didn't move from him, nor track the trajectory of the cloak.
"I didn't come here to exchange witty repartee." Alucard said in a deep refined voice. He drew his sword quickly, the long blade snapped out of the sheath with a frightful hiss. Lightning reflected across the sharp slightly curved weapon. "I came for your head."
"Then come and get it." Smith countered with an arrogant leer. "If you can."
Abruptly the music changed, flashing in an instant to a quick techno beat with heavy bass lines. As it flared to life the pair of combatants charged each other. Alucard sword leading, Smith with his bare fists. They met in the middle, slamming together and quickly falling apart, only to leap back into the fight. Firsts, feet and sword flailing at each other. With every blow on landed the other countered with equal fervor and power.
This continued ad nauseum for roughly an hour. The only change of scenery was when they would pass through buildings that would be inexplicably devoid of Smiths despite the earlier assertion of all the structures being filled with an endless number of Agent clones. They crashed and crushed through walls like they were made of rice paper, akin to so many cheaply track houses. Neither seemed to truly gain the upper hand but both seemed just as stubbornly set on winning the task at hand.
Alucard slammed into a wall, but not through said wall and fell to his knees breathing heavily. Agent Smith walked towards him slowly, looking none the worse for wear despite the fight. He smoothed down his lapels and looked down at his enemy contemptuously.
"You should give up while you still have your life." He said in a sarcastically kind tone. "I might even be inclined to spare you, if note assimilate you into my fold."
"Why would I surrender to someone who sounds like an extra from a Star Trek movie?" Alucard sneered, standing up and regarding him defiantly.
"Is this where I fall to my knees and yell Khan dramatically?" Smith retorted.
"Not yet." Alucard countered, round house kicking Smith in the head and through another wall.
Smith tumbled through the air and slowed to a stop, righting himself and floating comfortably many stories over the ground. Alucard stepped out through the hole and floated slowly towards him, his surcoat billowing behind him.
"Besides Smith, I believe that would be my line." He said with no more emotion than anything else he'd remarked previously.
"Then wouldn't you be falling pray to the cheesy Star Trek-like bile that I've been spewing?" Smith queried with his customary smirk.
"Good point." Alucard acquiesced willingly.
"Ah yes, now I remember my next line." The Agent laughed. "This is where I scream like some battle hardened brute…"
Smith took a deep breath, threw his arms out wide and roared to the heavens, like some battle hardened brute etc. Gold fire like light surrounded him and his hair suddenly turned gold, whipping in the sudden breeze he'd produced. It stuck straight up and spiked randomly in various directions. He muscles bulged and grew larger, which is to say he actually became muscular.
"Now I'll show you…" His voice trailed off as he lost his dramatic line of thoughts. "What are you doing?"
Alucard looked up from the latest issue of Cosmo. "I'm sorry, you're done?"
"It's not like I took that long." Smith protested, folding his arms over his chest.
"Right. Just because it's against the rules for me to attack while you're performing your long drawn out power up sequence doesn't mean I have to sit here and watch with rapt fascination." Alucard remarked, rolling his eyes and tossing aside the magazine, which fluttered through the sky and fell onto one of the many Smith's head.
"At least I finished it in one episode, unlike some people." Smith rolled his eyes as well and snorted.
"Can we get this over with? I've got an appointment with my manicurist." Alucard sighed and glanced down at his nails mournfully.
"What self-respecting man gets a manicure!?" Smith exclaimed.
"A man who has longer, nicer hair than most women do? And who wears heels." Alucard replied, thrusting out his right foot, which was incased in a thigh high boot complete with high heels.
"Oh… point made." Smith said reluctantly. "I was thinking of growing my hair out as well… Ala the elf king."
"With your receding hairline and massive forehead? I wouldn't suggest it." Alucard sneered.
"I don't have a receding hairline! I just have a very large forehead!" Smith whined.
"Whatever you tell yourself to sleep at night." Alucard said sympathetically.
"That's it! I'm going to kill you and savor every moment of it!" Smith screamed, attacking with renewed zeal.
Alucard re-drew his sword and countered Smith's every attack. He frowned grimly, biding his time before he threw aside the Agent and charged him as he fell towards the street. Once again the fight continued, they tumbled and rolled over the city, slashing and striking each other respectively. Finally Alucard interjected a commented in between blows.
"So… how are we going to end this? The good guy does have to win."
"What are you talking about? This could be one of those twist endings where the bad guy succeeds and the good guy fails!"
"You have got to be kidding me." Alucard stopped mid attack and floated back. "Pl-ease, it never works that way."
"No! I've seen movies that have ended that way." Smith protested.
"American movies?" Alucard pointed out.
"Damnit… you're right." Smith frowned and put his hands on his hips, the gold glow around him faded and he returned to normal. "Why should I bother fighting when I know I can't win? No one would actually write an movie in American where the bad guy wins. That would never happen in a million years."
"True, true." Alucard nodded. "It's kind of like that one episode of Futurama."
"Oh yeah! When the people from Omicron Persia 8 invade because they want to see the end of Single Female Lawyer!" Smith said gleefully. "That's one of my favorite episodes."
"Me too!" Alucard exclaimed with equal joy.
Both sang in time. "Single female lawyer, fighting for her client, wearing sexy mini-skirts, and being self-reliant"
They laughed ruefully until they eventually stopped. Alucard sniffed slightly and whipped away a laugh tear. "So… what do we do now?"
Agent Smith thought hard for a moment, scratching his chin. "Wana go get a beer?"
Alucard glanced at his watch. "Sure, I've got some time to kill before I get my nails done."
"So… do chicks did nice nails?" Smith asked curiously.
"You kidding me? I have to beat off women with a large heavy stick. I swear, I can't go anywhere with out them swarming like locust." He sighed heavily, shaking his head slowly.
Smith tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Maybe I should get one too…"
"Meterosexuality is in." Alucard pointed out.
"Good point." Smith removed his glasses and tossed them aside. "That's it, I'm ditching this gig. Let's go get pissed* and pretty."
"Sounds good to me." Alucard said with a grin. He put his arm around the Agent's sounder and led him off. "The place I go to is just great. They're so gentle and they do a great job. While we're there you should get a facial too."
"Good idea, I've always wanted one but I've been too afraid that people might question my sexuality." Smith admitted sheepishly.
"Um…" Alucard glanced down. "What are you going to do with them?"
"Oh yeah, I forgot." Smith looked down as well. "Hey guys take a break!"
The Agent clones looked up then immediately began to relax. Some took out cigarettes and started smoking, most wondered off chatting among themselves amiably. Alucard watched quietly then glanced at Smith.
"You know, I bet you could make a killing pimping yourself out." He suggested thoughtfully.
"That's a great idea!" Smith replied with a large grin. "The kink factor is obvious."
Alucard nodded and the pair walked off the set together, arm in arm.
The End
Or is it?
Actually, yeah… it is.
* British slang for getting drunk. DUH!