All night long I was tormented by treacherous dreams, the subject being all too familiar to me. This time though, I could not extricate myself from the web of passion that my mind had so ruthlessly ensnared itself within. At the point where I normally wake up, aching with unfulfilled desire and longing to be held by Satoshi, my rebellious body continued, and I could have sworn that it was no longer a dream. Drifting into wakefulness I remembered flashes of heated kisses, of drugging caresses along my back, the warmth of an imagined chest taut with muscle under my thirsty hands. As I remembered slender fingers moving against me, poised to plunge deeply and quench the burning desire that had engulfed me the familiarly shrill bleeping of my alarm clock roused me. Welcoming the return of my safe routine and the relegation of erotic fantasies to the dark of night, I reached to turn it off, and couldn't move my arm. It was stuck under something. Opening my eyes I could not even blink. My arm was caught between both of Satoshi's. I was, in fact, almost completely surrounded by him. I felt his chest slowly rise and fall against my back, so I assumed he was asleep.
Seeing him there, bare-chested in my bed, the scattered fragments of the preceding night horrified me. Pushing violently away from him I rolled out of bed, remaining in a defensive crouch on the floor for a moment. When I heard movement on the bed I'd just vacated I stood erect and turned, flipping off my alarm with a well practiced movement.
"How dare you." My words could have cut glass. "What gives you the right to molest me in my own bed?" He tried to speak, but I stubbornly refused to pause. "I know you like vulnerable women, ones that you can help. I will not be your plaything, a little fling you can have to congratulate yourself on mending your best friend's relationship, then return scot-free to your regular feature in Tokyo." I tried to heap all the self-loathing I was experiencing for my own weakness upon him. I wasn't angry that he'd touched me, only that I'd been mostly asleep. I'd be damned before I admitted it, however.
"I want you to leave. Now." I turned away from him, expecting my command to be followed.
"Elizabeth, I can't leave. Not before we talk."
My voice was hard, a sharp contrast to his own pleading tone. "What do we have to discuss?"
"Yesterday, and last night."
His simple phrase conjured up the entire day for me again. I remembered trying to study, and failing, then leaving for a quick run to figure things out. When I started out I had had absolutely no idea that I'd be gone for more than an hour, let alone past dusk. I strove to reach the point where all that existed in the world for me was the simultaneous pounding of my heart and my legs on the pavement, as my worries melted away, leaving only a crystalline pattern of beats against a gray sky.
Normally I would run until life was simple again, and then introduce my nagging problem slowly, working it out like a mathematical proof until it also was a part of the linear order of my world. It hadn't worked like that yesterday. Satoshi was a more complex problem than I had been faced with in a long time. On the one hand I was inexorably drawn to him, like a fundamental attraction of elements. He was everything that I had guarded against for so long: attractive, considerate, clever. I feared what I would become if I allowed myself to admit that I loved him.
On the other hand, Meiko had warned me about him, and there was no way I could pretend to myself that I was anything he was looking for. I wasn't beautiful, nor was I creative, nor selflessly kind, as Meiko was. I can only be a convenient girl for him to rescue before returning to his regularly scheduled life in Tokyo.
It took time to work all this out and to convince myself of it. Without noticing I had slowed to a walk at times, to catch my breath and stretch my legs, then sped up again to a run, again, unconsciously. I had noticed the rain, at least at first, but it hadn't mattered. It had felt like the sky itself was helping my mourn my decision, the decision that I had to make, regardless of what my fickle heart wanted.
It took the chimes of the clock tower to jolt me out of my trance. Calling the radio station at nine o'clock each night gave me human companionship and an anchor to the world outside of my textbooks. Joel hadn't minded the company, I gathered he didn't have an enormous listener base, and so he started announcing me as a "regularly scheduled impromptu guest" after the first 3 days.
Oddly enough, I was right underneath his building when I noticed the time, and used a convenient payphone to call upstairs. I could have walked up to the studio, but how would he have known that I, Elizabeth, was Tsutami. Our call was relatively normal, considering everything, until he realized I wasn't at home. I would have liked to continue our argument about the intrinsic nature of romance, but I hadn't the strength. He'd gotten so worried the last time I had gone out when I was sick, and I hadn't recovered yet. He knew how ill I was, probably more that anyone, even myself.
I couldn't help a small jest though; he was shirtless, and the blinds were open. It was a nice view. I think he saw me run off, but by that point I didn't care. Beethoven was pouring into my head from my radio and I needed to get home. I was feeling ill now, the fever that had come while I was running was gone; leaving in its place a chill that went to my bones.
I don't know how I made it home. Everything seemed to conspire against me, but somehow I remember walking in the door and collapsing to my knees just inside. Before I knew it Satoshi was before me. He asked me questions, I must not have answered them correctly before I coughed, because his eyes took on a frantic look and he spoke urgently to me, in a language I can only assume was Japanese. The last thing I remembered was falling forward as the world slid to black, then the blackness heated, becoming a cauldron of alchemical desire that brought a rush of blood to my cheeks.
Stalking over to my desk I pulled out my chair and sat stiffly, betraying no emotion. I could not abide half measures, I had to make it clear to him that my life held no room for dalliance, of the physical or emotional variety.
"Why are you still here? Haven't you toyed with me enough? I never asked you to protect me, to expend your sympathy on me. I thought I'd made it perfectly clear that my work is my paramount concern, and then I wake up one morning with the memories of you violating me."
"Are you lying to me, or to yourself." His baritone echoed after my own tirade. "You claim that you never asked for my protection, and I'll admit that you never did, in words or under your own name. As Tsutami you had no problem admitting that you needed me, that you were vulnerable. Your eyes cry out for someone to help you, to save you from yourself. You're conveniently forgetting that I was in bed with you in the first place because I was afraid that by running in the rain you'd signed your own death warrant." He rose from the bed and began to pace about the room, still shirtless.
"That does not give you the right to take liberties with my person." As I cringed inwardly at the primness in my tone Satoshi stopped pacing, a dark look gathering on his face.
"Stop it!" His shout frightened me. "Perhaps I can be painted as the guilty party for the actions we participated in last night, because I was awake at some point and was exquisitely aware of exactly how much I wanted you, but there was no coercion. Brian was right, you are attracted to me, and I will not be blamed for suffering myself to give you what you wanted so badly. Do you know what it did to me to hear you all out my name?" The blush I thought had left returned with a vengeance.
"I did no such thing."
"Yes, you did, at the end. All I could do was think about how much I wanted you to know who was with you, and then you cried out my name, or tried to."
"Please, no more." My anger had left me, and I sounded weary even to myself. "If you have to hear it: yes, I am attracted to you, very much so, in fact. I am a realist, however. I have none of the qualities you normally seek in a woman; we live on opposite sides of the globe; and any protective or arduous impulses you feel for me now will soon be lost when you return home." Standing, I walked to the window and opened it wide, letting the breeze blow my hair back. Speaking more to the wind than for the benefit of the man behind me, I let all my resignation color my voice.
"I have made my decision. If I am to be tempted by romance, why make it so cruel? Wasn't it enough to draw my body into the bargain? Could you not have left my heart alone?"
"What do you mean?" Satoshi asked me cautiously.
"My own personal bargain with the devil." I laughed without humor. "I fear you've unwittingly played a role in one of m few whimsical moments. You see, I traded my heart and soul to science long ago, and recently I think the devil's been trying to make me regret the decision. Go, please, I beg you now. Return to Japan, to the woman you thought I was when you spoke so ardently last night. Find the woman that you love, I'm sure she is in need of you."
The behind me I could hear nothing, not even Satoshi's breathing. I tried to imagine his face. Was it disgusted, amazed, pitying? I had no idea. As I felt tears collecting in my eyes I only wanted him to leave, so that I would be free to weep for my loss, for the pain of an unrequited love, and to continue with my life.
"Baka." The soft phrase reached my ears just before he did. Coming up behind me he wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin atop my head. "I don't know where you got this idea that I was in love with someone else, but it's completely wrong. Everyone else knows exactly how I feel about you, but I couldn't bring myself to tell you until I had gotten some sign that my attentions were wanted.
I tried to turn around to face him but he held me fast. "Hush, you've spoken your piece, now let me say mine."
"Yesterday, when you came home I felt like I'd been given a reprieve from hell. I know you couldn't understand what I said then, so let me repeat it. I'm falling in love with you. I'm not mistaking pity for love, so don't try to accuse me of that. I also mentioned your poor choice in clothes, but that's a topic for later. From the first day I met you I've wanted you. Yes, I burned with lust for you. It nearly drove me mad, but more than that, I wanted to understand you, to support you, to be the one that you'd turn to in moments of weakness, even as the rest of the world admired you for your strength. You are brilliant and beautiful, a scientist with an artist's soul, and you've had my heart firmly in your grasp ever since you trusted me enough to fall asleep before me. I've been in agony thinking first that you had someone already, and then that you felt nothing for me. I was frantic yesterday because I thought you'd mistaken my intentions. It's been a long time since anyone's teased me, and I didn't know how to interpret you." Turning me away from the window to face him he gazed into my eyes.
"It would have broken my heart if you had only been jesting, and I would have gone mad if you weren't attracted to me, or if you'd already belonged to another."
Speechless, all I could do was stare at him, as he gathered me so close that I could feel his heart beating and his very breath. Suddenly it didn't matter that I eschewed emotional attachments, or that we lived on other sides of the world. All that mattered were his arms around me and his lips upon mine. The kiss was even better than the ones I had thought were part of my dreams. Crushing me to his still bare chest he bent my head back and masterfully claimed my lips with his own. He was my entire world in that moment; the very air I breathed was flavored with him. He snaked an arm about my shoulder, then bent slightly and slipped the other behind my knees, swinging me into his arms without ever breaking lip contact.
I barely had time to loop my arms around his neck before he took the few steps over to my bed and carefully lowered me once more to the tousled sheets. When he broke off our kiss we both gasped wildly for air. Reaching up, I kissed his neck softly, teasing the skin just a bit with my tongue and teeth.
"Elizabeth." He groaned my name and grabbed my hands, dragging them over my head and pinioning them with both of his, while simultaneously straddling my hips with his lean thighs. "Please stop. I am only a man, and you should know how deeply I'm attracted to you. I don't want you to have any doubts that my need is deeper than the physical. I love you." He kissed my cheek tenderly and stood up, drawing away but holding my gaze. "I want more than a rushed fumble before I leave the country. I want forever."