To all my reviewers: Thank you for reviewing the story so far!! I wasn't expecting so many reviews in one day! ;-; *feels so incredibly proud right now* Thank you for all of your suggestions for the pairings, but…umm, Well, the story might be a Gippal x Paine, Nooj x Paine, or a Baralai x Paine, as for the ending of who she'll be with will have to be a surprise. However, I will take your pairings as a consideration if the story does go in that direction. Okay?

Once again, thanks! And GO PAINE FANS!! *whistles* She owns!

Chapter 2:

My Memories

Part I: Baralai

Why? Why do I always find myself thinking of these long gone memories?

These memories of the sweet, short days of when we were together.

Though it seems the more I try to fight remembering, the more the sentimentalism grows.

Ironic, isn't it?

I was 16 then, already an orphan and no future. Sin had taken away everything from me. My family, my hometown, my will to go on. My past was just another sob story like the rest.

The sun was slowly descending down to the horizon.  Night was coming soon. From this day, it had been at most two weeks since our last meeting with Nooj. During those days followed countless missions we had to participate in. However, most of them didn't even deserve to be titled mission because of its stupidity and lack of spheres for a reward. Nevertheless, Yuna had a heart of gold and always wanted to help those in need. So any poor unfortunate person was in any kind of predicament, Yuna would immediately offer a hand. Even if it did mean it was wasting our time. Then there were those stupid LeBlanc morons...who, I must say in my opinion, did not only lack in sphere hunter enthusiasm, but in maturity as well. How that chocobo-headed woman ever reached up to the level of being in charge was beyond me.

I slowly took off my black glove, releasing my arm and hand from its constant encasement. I closed my eyes and I let my hand run through my hair. My fingers played with my light-brown strands, wanting to ruffle the hairdo and let it fly free. My subtle red-lips tightened as I let out a deep sigh.

I'm still thinking of you all.

The stars sparkled valiantly as darkness begun to close in. By just looking at them I knew I was in place with the world. The ever-gentle wind caressed me like a lover as the twilight sung a silent lullaby to me. I loved this place, right here. So high up in the sky...

I crossed my arms, standing vigilantly on the tip of Celsius' deck. My crimson eyes slowly opened and stared straight ahead. The sun was setting now...the burning hues flaming up in the sky, causing a spectacular inferno of color. I could almost feel them all beside me. Nooj. Baralai. Gippal. We all used to watch sunsets together. My shoulders heaved and I slowly closed my eyes again, sighing.

It's moments like these that make me remember.

We were like a family. Well, I wasn't sure how you all felt, but I was sure I felt that we had somehow become connected those years we spent together. You became my substitute family. It was obvious that Nooj was the big brother watching us all...

I guess that's why memories are beginning to haunt me more than they used to. It's because of my last meetings with Baralai and Nooj. I have yet to find the whereabouts of Gippal...

Baralai...

~ ~ ~

We were walking on the streets of Bevelle the day we bumped into Baralai. Already Yuna seemed nervous going. I couldn't blame her; Bevelle was kind of creepy. Under covering all of the bright tasteful colors, the feigned smiles and the artificial comfort, laid manipulation, lies, and dark secrets. I wasn't much of a fan of Bevelle even if it was a religious capitol back in it's hey day.

The streets were paved with Djose brick, beautifully done and recaptured. Bevelle had gloriously been preserved after Sin had fell on it. It kind of made me wonder if the architects of Bevelle were still alive. I wouldn't be surprised if they were. There could be many walking unsent still among us. There was a small built in stream that passed through the sides of the streets. Perhaps for calming effects. Waterfalls were also within the walls of Bevelle. Azure water trickling down the bricks and splashing into the stream.

I watched as robed priests went along their duties. Passing by us hurriedly as if they had something urgent to do. Some of them were even mumbling some of the old Yevon Prayers as they went. The soft buzzing of people talking filled my ears. The wind blew through the high-strung tapestries of Yevon as New Yevon members conversed on their next move against the Youth League. It was annoying how serene Bevelle looked, especially when you knew of the wolf inside this sheep's skin.

When we neared to the Temple, a priest had stopped Yuna. He had asked if she would spare a moment with the praetor of New Yevon. At first Yuna hesitated but the priest had already run off to get him.

"A bit pushy, aren't they?" Rikku chimed, a smirk curling her lips.

I remained silent. Praetor...

Wasn't...the praetor of New Yevon...Baralai?

~ ~ ~

I guess if Yuna and Rikku knew of our past, they would of considered me a horrible friend. Especially whenever Yuna bumped into people she knew, she immediately asked of their well-being. And even with the limited time she had, she tried her hardest to catch up with them as much as she could. I hadn't even spoken to neither Nooj nor Baralai when I had the chance. Not even looked at any of them in the eye. Maybe we were trying to put the past behind us. But were we ready to leave all of those precious good memories because of the bad?

Though something in my chest ripped open when Baralai came walking through the crack of Bevelle's Temple doors. Something strange and new, yet old and familiar was running through my body.

What and why that happened, I am still unsure.

His doe-brown eyes still held a serenity deep within its depths. No one would of thought that this soft-spoken praetor had been a formidable fighter back in the days of the Crimson Squad. His soft, snowy hair fell in graceful strands and curved around his face. Giving him some sort of ethereal look. His caramel skin only made his hair look even more heavenly and pure...and when he spoke, he began to sound like a sophisticated angel.

The discussion between he and Yuna were, of course, of the New Yevon party. His sugar-sweet persuasion didn't seem to waver Yuna at all. At first she had assumed that he was the son of the first praetor...The one she said she had turned down an offer of marriage.

Yuna...marrying Baralai?

Fiery, vicious emotions rose within my chest. Violently they thrashed within my heart and spirit. It was not like any other violence I had experienced: usually the rage I always utilized was generated from and for battle. This - and it didn't even take a airship scientist to figure out - was no battle at all. I bit my lip, trying to swallow the sudden tsunami of feeling and control myself. It would be very unbecoming of me to yell out at Yuna and Baralai for this.

The emotions grew even more ferocious and I turned around, walking far from Rikku and Yuna. I didn't want to see him. Whatever he had that was stirring these things inside of me was really beginning to set me on edge. I was beginning to get disgusted with myself. Why am I feeling these emotions? Why or how were concepts I couldn't figure out at the moment. So the only thing I could do was avoid any kind of eruption as much as possible.

I watched as they finished their discussion and he looked past Yuna and to me, but I had given him the cold shoulder and remained with my back to him. But I couldn't help but notice his speculating gaze on me...He didn't look at me like he knew me.  He just stared at me curiously, as if I was a stranger...

~ ~ ~

"Enough of the sight-seeing! Hurry up before we miss the ship!" Nooj's loud orders roared at Baralai and Gippal. His metal staff tapped irritatingly on the dock of Kilika. Most of our Crusader quad had boarded the ship and were preparing for the long voyage towards their next mission destination. Nooj gave another guttural growl, his eyes closing as his shoulders flinched.

"Aren't you coming, you slowpokes?!" Nooj yelled again, his voice tethering on the explosive side.

"E's lusehk, E's lusehk, oui tysh suhgao-ynca!" Gippal growled half to himself, half to Nooj. He picked up his souvenirs and sulkily walked towards the S.S. Winno. Gippal didn't like ships all that much. When on board, he would occasionally get seasick and miserably moan and groan until the sea voyage was over. Though it seemed that we were boarding ships a lot more now. A lot of out destinations were scattered all over Spira and we couldn't have the luxury of walking on land anymore. Eventually, after so many ships I had gone on, Gippal was slowly became a "man of the sea". Or at least that's how a sailor put it. He was becoming more adjusted to the motherly rocking of ship and the salty scent of it.  Even so, he still didn't like it.

Baralai emerged from the Kilika crowd, running vigorously. By the time he had reached to where Gippal was he looked like he was about to fall over.  He leaned over and put his hands on his knees, inhaling and exhaling incredibly. He had run all over from the Fire Temple in the Kilikan woods to here.

Baralai had always taken interest in the temples. He had always been fascinated with the Aeons and the mysterious hymn of the Fayth. Even when he was a child, he would visit the temples regularly to observe the beautiful statues of lore and the Great Summoners. He knew all of the stories of each summoner and guardians of every pilgrimage made to Zanarkand.  I'm pretty sure that if he didn't join the Crimson Squad, he would have been a Summoner himself.

"Sorry Nooj," Baralai breathlessly said. "I didn't realize the time."

"Doesn't matter," Nooj barked. "Get your sorry little butts on that ship; they're about to leave!"

Nooj limped on the bridge and walked into S.S. Winno's deck. Baralai soon followed afterward and Gippal reluctantly came last, mumbling to himself while clutching to his souvenirs that happened to be - a surprise indeed - potions for seasickness.

~ ~ ~

"Project Mi'ihen?" Gippal rubbed the back of his spiky-haired head. "That's all they've come up with?" Both Baralai and Gippal were sitting at the bottom of a mast, both looking at each other with amazement with what they had just heard.

We were on top of the highest deck on S.S. Winno. The young Paine was standing to the farthest point from the three, listening with a hungry curiosity about what this Operation Mi'ihen had been about. Nooj had just been informed a couple of days ago of it's consent and the early preparations of the operation itself.

"It's Operation Mi'ihen," Baralai corrected him modestly. He turned to look at Nooj for a further explanation. Nooj had his back turned on them, looking out to sea and his hand on the helm. His other hand clutched to the cane that he needed so desperately. "So they actually have dug up a machina that could possibly take on Sin? But what about the teachings?"

"Screw the teachings," Nooj answered quickly. "If it can take on Sin, does it really matter? Those teachings...they're a bunch of chocoshit. We've been 'atoning' for a thousand years now, and nothing's changed. When will we be forgiven for our sins of the past? When will Sin go away? Same answer for both: never."

Nooj, Gippal, and despite Baralai's intriguing hobby about Temples, never really followed the teachings. They all did share and believe in a philosophy, though. And despite they all had different personalities as well as perspectives, what really came down to their ism was one true message: to protect and to fight for what was worth saving. I, myself, didn't really believe in the teachings, either. After Sin had taken everything away from me...I felt that I really had nothing else to lose to it. Why should I pray to Yevon to make Sin go away, if he had already robbed every precious thing from me? There was no point and there was no purpose. So I adapted their philosophy as well to somehow keep myself going.

"Now that's the spirit," Gippal proudly beamed. "I just hope those damned Yevonites eventually get that concept through their head."

"Knowing how dense they are," Baralai stated, "I bet that it just might take them another thousand years for them to actually take a hint."

Baralai and Gippal both laughed.

"You think so?" Gippal's eyes were shining.

"Sure do," Baralai grinned.

I just stood there, my mind jumbled with thoughts of this massive machina...and the slightest possibility of the Calm. Could this really be true? Could there actually be peace once more? Even if Sin would come back...the Calm meant no fear for a certain period of time. No fear, no need to fight...

I had grown up in fear. In anguish. Torn up, thrown away, hopeless...and now, there actually might be a chance where I could actually start over?

A small flame of hope was born inside the youthful Paine that night.

~ ~ ~

"Paine?" A soft, melodious voice seeped through the darkness. "Paine? Why are you out here?"

I heard soft, graceful footsteps behind me. The wood of the ship creaked miserably as it heaved back and forth on the waves. The sky was painfully clear and the stars shined proudly. The full moon illuminated the black sea with pure-white diamonds. The sails softly ruffled with the breeze and continued onward at a slow pace.  The only thing that completed this picture-perfect scenery...was his voice.

I could see myself standing, gazing at the sea. My wavy long hair down to my waist, my figure lithe and small: barely maturing as a warrior. I could see with millions of eyes examine the facets of my face. How the moonlight bathed my skin and my hair, beckoning me to join it and the stars forever. I could almost recall the aching in my heart when I thought of the stars. That's where they all are, I would think. Mom, Dad, sister...are you all watching me? Please look after me. I don't know where to go, how to live, without ever having you all...

Soon enough, the 18 year old Baralai came into view. I could somehow see all of this as if I was a third person in the scene. Reliving a peaceful memory. I wrapped my arms around my forearms to protect myself from the sudden chill. The ship, S.S. Winno, was beginning to stop the drastic swaying to more of a mellow rocking. His footsteps coming closer. He came so close, that I could almost feel his clothing on my back. I remained silent, refusing to face him.  My long hair softly flowing in sync with the sea breeze.

"Aren't you cold?"

I shook my head briskly. Despite it was a lie, I didn't want to give in to being such a weakling so early. I had to become hard, I had to become stone. This frailty had to go away. And if it meant freezing myself to become somehow thick-skinned, I was willing to endure.

I turned around, looking at Baralai in the face and producing a weak smile. To think that even that pathetic attempt for a smile began to wane as the weeks past. Smiles was a rare thing of Spira in those days. I had been a generous donator of glittering smiles back when my family was still alive. When they died, when everything I loved was reduced to merely a faint memory...I began to lose my purpose to smile. Eventually, I lost the will to curl my lips happily. After that happened, it stung inside whenever I attempted one.

Even now, I can feel the sting enrapture me. The pain is much more potent now than it was then. Overpowering, even. Choking and smothering any will to display any emotion other than the ones that made a wanna-be soldier into a warrior.

His large hazelnut eyes searched in my own crimson, trying to detect lies. Looking at my features as his own expression grew hard. His skin was beautifully blanketed with white-washed moonlight. The moonbeams made his hair glow gossamer-like, somehow reminding me of a heavenly spirit. He also reminded me of the moon. He reminded me of a lot of things that brought me comfort. Even him being there now, I could recall the sense of relief that descended upon me.

"No," I quietly responded. "I just can't sleep."

He walked past me and stood right next to me, his arms on the helm of the ship and looking out to sea distantly. He stood close to me, to somehow make me warm even if I declined the offer earlier. I eagerly soaked up the heat but remained to say nothing.

"I would understand," his soft voice cooed. "It's been a rather tough month with the Crimson Squad. With Operation Mi'ihen becoming an actuality, I guess everyone's a bit on edge. Even if it's not going to happen until around 9 months from now, they're still going to train us till we're run-down."

I shuddered a bit at the thought of the rigorous training that laid ahead. Kinoc knew of no limits with the fighting potential of the common human being. He wanted us to exceed our limits: to become proud warriors, a vicious and invincible force.

Baralai laughed and looked at the young Paine, his eyes twinkling like the stars. He had noticed the brief shudder. "See? You are cold."

"Am not," the younger me replied hastily, trying someway to cover up the mishap.

"Don't lie," Baralai hummed softly. He gingerly took my wrists and guided me towards his warm chest. At first I was resistant, but Baralai's gentle and caring touch seemed to call out to me. To defy any rejection in my words and to only seek sympathizing gestures. Warmth embraced me, covered me, and seeped into my skin. I didn't realize how cold I was until Baralai's warm arms rested on my shoulders.

"Must you be so stubborn?" he asked, his liquid dark amber eyes still sparkling.

I remained silent, enjoying the moment of warm darkness around me.

He continued, his voice still soft like a deep bell, but merry. "You know, I've got to take care of you. You're our little recorder. Can't have anything happen to you."

The young Paine flinched a bit at the word little. She lifted her head up from his chest and narrowed her eyes.

"I'm not that small, you know," she snapped. "I'm only two years younger than you, that's all. Two years isn't that long of a time.  Gippal's the same age as me, too!"

Baralai laughed again, still holding me tightly. His curled smiling lips never leaving my mind. His amber eyes reminding me of the burning farewells of the sunset, somehow.

~ ~ ~

You had always pursued being my big brother, Baralai. Being warm and caring to me, always trying to make my life easier somehow. As if when you looked into my eyes, you instantly knew who I was. Maybe that's why I sometimes trembled when you looked at me...I was afraid of you seeing the whole me, the covers off, bare naked and baring all the scars of life.

I felt so exposed.

But even so, your tender heart and your gentleness knew of no bounds; your kindness and understanding aided all of us in our own personal wars as well physical battles. Perhaps as you all were a replacement family to me, maybe I was a replacement of a sister you had once lost yourself.

I wrapped my arms around myself. The wind had become bitterly cold and the sun had bid its farewells long ago. The night had come, the stars coming out of their daylight hiding places. I wonder what you're doing now, Baralai? Are you in your comfortable Yevon chair, thinking about what your next chess move will be? Are you wondering what Nooj is up to?

Or are you thinking about us, too?

Does it hurt you? Do you wish you could return back to those times? I wonder what you're feeling. I wonder what you're thinking...

The wind continued to cradle me, the sky being so unconditional in its acceptance. I wish I could just close my eyes, melt into the night and become one with the darkness. Why can't I forget? Why can't I let go? It annoys me...these memories are tying me down somehow. They're holding me back. Why can't I just break free from them? I'm strong enough, aren't I?

I put my arm back to my side as my hand reaches to my throat. My gloved fingers fiddle to find the small silver pendant that I was given so long ago. In the middle, there is an upside down heart in it. I'm not sure it was supposed to be one, but it looked like one. I slowly withdrew my hand from my neck, and looked at the night sky for the last time. I didn't rub my arms anymore. There wasn't a need to attempt to warm myself. Even if the wind and the night was frosty, I couldn't feel a thing. I was numb.

Even if I had killed my heart and buried it in ice, I couldn't feel a thing.

I was numb.