Chapter 2:

My Memories

Part III: Nooj

I was in a world of my own  Adrift on the euphonious harmony of the sea.  Almost sensing the waves lovesome arms hold me.  I wanted to stay in that place forever.  On that port...with just Gippal by me. Clutching to the tender security of their indisputable companionship.  It took only a high-pitched outcry that ruptured my fragile imaginary world and harshly returned me back to reality.

It was when the glass-shards of my ideal world began to crumble away that I noticed the commotion around me.  The sounds of my current position began to grow louder and unavoidable.  Fragments of words reached my ears and I slowly began to realize that I was no longer alone with Gippal anymore.  The penetrating sounds hammered at my delicate illusion and with an emphatic force aroused my senses from their break.  My ears began to pick up strings of conversations that surrounded me as thunking footsteps of passer-bys floated nearby.  The fragile threads of memory began to recede and the emotions withdrew with it. What had once been an idle Luca port had slowly faded into Djose bridge.  Leaving me far from Luca and close to where I was now. Gippal's standing figure vanished from beside me and all of a sudden - I was back to myself....alone.

 

I blinked a little, adjusting my senses once again to my environment.  For a brief second there, I had left myself vulnerable.  I growled at my day-dreaming and turned away from the oceanic horizon. Turbulent, unanswered emotions clawed at my mind; stirring up inside of my stomach and leaving certain imprints of Gippal's smirk in my brain.  My eyebrow twitched a little out of irritation, and I just mumbled to myself as I stepped off the bridge.

~ ~ ~

"I got it!" Yuna cheered, holding up a registration paper. "Now all we have to do is talk to Gippal."  Her smile was wide and excitement exaggerated her features.  When I nodded my consent, we began walking towards the two guards of the large, azure-stoned gates of Djose.

Rikku chuckled jitterly as she followed closely behind me.

"Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man..." She repeated to herself as her arms jerked and her fingers twitched.

"What's wrong with you?" I lightly asked.  I turned my head and one of my garnet eyes focused on the flinching young Al Bhed. I arched an eyebrow as I watched Rikku quizically.  She darted back and forth, looking bewildered and disoriented.  She could  almost resemble a monkey that had been left in the Thunder Plains.

"Gippal's in there," she murmured.

I blinked and allowed the sentence register in my brain and compute.  Rikku was afraid of Gippal?  Now that had got to been the most funniest thing I've heard in a while.  I bit my tongue from cracking up hysterically.  Even if Rikku and I were polar opposites, I still cherished her as a friend and respected her...even if she had 46 points.

"...If you're already scared of some big shot, then you might as well retire from the Gullwings already," I said coldly but not meaning to.  The intention was to somehow provoke Rikku.  Usually provoking her made her defensive and offensive at the time and allowing her brain to block out any anxieties she had.  I often used this technique whenever we challenged snake-like fiends.  Noting her fear for the slithering reptiles. 

"Hey!" Rikku stomped, her scarf whipping from left to right. "Afraid? Of him?  Who are you kidding!"  She broke out into a determined run to catch up with Yuna.  She was already pumped with a defensive attitude.  Mission complete.

~ ~ ~

Gippal came prowling around the bridge after Yuna had asked for an interview.  He acted like he owned the place - which, technically, he did - but he went overboard with his confidence.  As he walked, I could tell that his only eye was focusing on Yuna.  He didn't even see me as he passed.  Just like with Baralai.  As if I didn't exist.

 "Mmm...never been this close to a celebrity before."

Yuna's eyes widened in surprise as she leaned backwards as he leaned forwards to her.  "That's nice."

Gippal looked smug, his eye sizing Yuna up.  His arms crossed on his chest and his foot resting on his knee like a retarded flamingo.  He still hadn't grown up over the years.  "I could get used to this."

"Let's not," Yuna fumbled her words, surprised by this man's daunting self-assurance.

Before Yuna could ever really respond to Gippal, he turned almost instantly to face Rikku.  A wide smile overtaking his facial features. "Yo! What's up with Cid's lil girl?" He put both of his hands on her head and ruffling her hair in an affectionate manner.

"I have a name, you know," Rikku whined a bit, soothing the misplaced strands.

"Brother doin' okay?"

"Same as always, Buddy's around too," Rikku replied, grinning her head off.

"Same as always," Gippal's smile turned into a smirk as he turned to face the third comrade of this group.  Namely...me.

"And... you!?"

Gippal jolted backward, his jade eye widened with surprise as he stared at me.  His right foot behind him as his back bended backwards a little from shock.  We both stood there for a moment.  Stuck in some kind of time epoch.  His swirled emerald eye weakly returning the gaze of my own vermillion.  I remained to stand coldly and distantly, unfazed by his quirky and melodramatic behavior.  While at the same time Gippal looked like he had been just taken off a roller coaster or slapped in the face.  So, he finally noticed me?  I wonder why he's staring at me like that...

Whatever the case, I decided to avoid questions with Yuna and Rikku, and plausibly him, so I pretended it was our first time meeting.

"My name is Paine. Nice to meet you," I broke the silence in cold blood.  It took a while for the words to decipher themselves in his brain to produce a reaction.  His face flushed with - could of it been pain? - an emotion and as his eye softened at the visage of me.

"Uh huh..." he said disheartened, the silence droning on between us.

"I thought we were going to have an interview," I curtly mentioned, my eyes vicious and sharp if he tried anything.  He looked like he was too much in shock to really attempt his usual flirtatious pranks.  In that one green eye, I realized that he was caught up in his mind and heart right now.  As if there were any trival issues about me, right?

"Er... right," Gippal resumed his haughty posture and acted as if nothing had ever gone wrong.  Already hiding things, are you, Gippal?

~ ~ ~

The conversation between us four went on for only a little while.  We had discovered more of Machine Faction's purpose and why it had mysteriously owned Bikanel Island.  We were soon hired to dig for machine parts and Yuna happily thanked Gippal before leaving.

As we walked down the bridge, I couldn't help but think of Gippal's reaction.  Was it wrong?  Should I wrapped my arms around his neck and said hello?  ...No.  Why can't I get this through my head?  What happened in the past, was the past.  In this present, we are just mere strangers.

So why does my heart hurt like this?

Why am I feeling like this?

What am I feeling?

I shook my head briskily.  I didn't have time to welter in heart inconveniences.  Immediately, I smothered any rueful pleas or swears of devotion from my heart.  There were much more important incommodes that needed to be tended to.  Such as getting one of LeBlubberface's uniforms.  If one of her destinations was Bikanel Island, then surely she would be around Djose Temple to retrieve a registration.  Or at least some of her goons would.  As I turned my head back and forth, I couldn't detect any distinguishing vomit green or gagging pink clothing.  None of those ill-mannered bastards anywhere.  So where would they be?

I leaned against the rim of the bridge, ignoring the excited chatter among wanna-be Sphere Hunters and treasure hunters. Yuna was talking to the other registered diggers for some tips before we went off.  As for Rikku?  She had taken interest in the lonely monkey on the opposite side of where I was.  I looked out to sea, watching the endless dark blue touch the familiar endless cyan I was used to.  I let myself sink into the soft lullaby of the sea's ebb and flow.  I tried to relax, open my mind to possibilities of where those goons could be.

"Selfish bastards." I heard a man mumble, passing by me.  He was followed by two other men who seemed just as peeved.

"Thinking they could take over those hovers.  Who do they think they are?  Lost a god damned sphere, they keep saying.  Well, why don't they go out and LOOK for it?  Why do they have to take over the hovers?"

Spheres?

"Hey, man, calm down.  I'm sure there's a back road somewhere."

"Back road?  They have the hovers both to and back!"

"Aw, man!" the third one whined. "So when are we going to be able to get back?"

"I don't know," the first one growled, walking in the direction of the Djose Temple.

Hmm.  Selfish.  Bastards. Sphere?  These could only lead up to one thing.  It has to be one of LeBlanc's gang.

I turned around swiftly and walked past all of the blabbering trios.  Well, at least we have one lead to a uniform.

~ ~ ~

"Score!"

Rikku bobbed her head as we exited the Highroad. 

"Did you see their faces?" Rikku went on, her evil giggling going off.  "We sure paid them back for stealing our sphere!"  She began to laugh almost maniacally now.  It was beginning to frighten the Youth League members.  I wonder if someone gave her some sugar? "And just think, we still have two uniforms to steal from them!!"

"No one messes with the Gullwings," Yuna laughed, her own tinging with insanity.  "No one!"

"Back to reality, please," I testily snapped at them before they fully lost their marbles.

However, Rikku wasn't even listening.  If anything, her adrenaline-drugged sugar high just skyrocketed even further, dragging Yuna into the yellow and orange insanity of her own cerebrum.  Her blonde hair went every-which way as she bounced up and down pumped with endorphines. "We kicked their ASSES!"

Yuna began to develope the same symptoms of hyperactivity.  This wasn't good. "I wonder if we'll see our bootmarks on their bottoms next time we'll see them?"

"Oh, that'd be AWESOME!  That's when we whip out a black marker and put 'the Gullwings were here!'"

"Let's just board ship, okay? Okay," I growled, as I started towards the Save Sphere.  As soon as Rikku had even heard the slightest click of my heel against the ground, she whipped around and started darting towards the blue Saturn-like sphere. 

"Yeah! Let's get going to Bikanel to open some more whoop ass!" Rikku ran past me and immediately boarded ship, leaving trails of black smoke from where she first stood.

Yuna ran too, muffled giggles as she went. "Come on, Paine! Let's go check out what this Sphere is of!"  And in a snap, Yuna was engulfed by black smoke and was also teleported to the Celsius.

Oi.

As I neared the sphere, I heard a familiar voice call out my name.  Rushed footsteps neared me and I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise.  I never liked it when someone came up from behind me.  For some reason, it had become a primal instinct.

"Paine!  Miss Paine!"

The voice echoed through the rock walls.  The voice sounded eager and of one that I had just heard the other day.  If only I could pin who it was.  I stopped right before the Save Sphere and turned around cooly.  I saw Yaibal's figure bumbling in my direction.  I crossed my arms over my chest, shifting my weight to the right and my head tilted, listening and waiting in silence.

"Miss Paine," he cried as he finally reached me, panting as his hands were on his knees to catch his breath.  After around 30 seconds, he stood straight up and gave me the Youth League salute. "Miss Paine, General Lucil wishes to speak with you."

"Lucil?  With what?"

"Paine!" Brother's annoying voice screeched on my earphone. "What's taking you so long?!"

"Hold on," I replied.  I turned to Yaibal's half-amored face. "Does this conference involve spheres?"

"Well, I-" Yaibal started, uncertanity clinging to the tone of his voice.

"If it doesn't, then you can count me out," I instantaneously answered his partial response.  I wasn't in the mood to play around anymore than I already had.  I turned around to walk back to the Save Sphere until I heard Yaibal's voice try to convince me again. 

"It could involve a sphere," he hastily offered.  He really seemed desperate.

I turned around again, my interest mildly sparked.  I waited for a while thinking of how to respond and how to handle the situation.  When the plan had finally occured to me, I picked up my reciever from it's clipped place on my shirt.  "Then excuse me, I'm going to inform the others." I took a deep breath to order Brother to send Yuna and Rikku down, but I was abruptly obstructed.

"Miss Paine! I am sorry, but I cannot allow you to do that.  I have strict orders that only you can come."

I paused my order and raised my eyebrow.  "Only me?  What is this all about?"

He nervously bowed, realizing that this vague calling was getting on my nerves. "I do not know, Miss Paine.  I was only given orders to summon you."

I stared at him hard, my garnet eyes never ceasing their intensity.  Immediately he felt intimidated and he began to jitter a bit.  My eyes never left him as I walked past his visble trembling visage.  I finally stopped my glare as I turned my head to face what was ahead of me.  "This better be good," I lowly said, after I was a few inches away from the frozen Yaibal.  He flinched a bit before actually accompanying me.

~ ~ ~

"Miss Paine," Lucil bowed while I stood in front of Youth League's pad.  The music of the place flared childishly and it grated on my nerves.  Youth League members ran about in disorganized groups, swearing war and fights upon New Yevon like little children who had been given a toy gun.  They all seemed hot blooded and unbelievably juvenile.  I wonder how Lucil could put up with all of this?  I knew I wouldn't have the patience to let these idiots run around aimlessly.  It's hard enough living with Rikku when she's excited.  Even so, if I was alone with these rookies I'd whip them all into shape without showing a shred of mercy.  As I walked through this flood of rebellious young people, I saw the familiar flash of red of Lucil's hair.  As I pushed through the masses the hair soon trailed to a head which eventually connected to a purple-suited body.  When I had finally reached to the enterance of the tent, Lucil greeted me with a salute and a cordial nod. I just remained to say nothing, waiting for her to already announce by purpose of being here.

"Thank you for coming on such short notice," she graciously said, her determined brown eyes fearlessly looking into my own.  Her posture was straight and proud, obviously she had much more maturity than what these so-called warrior newbies griped to be.  My respect for her began to grow.

"What do we need to discuss?" I cut to the chase.  As much as I am thrown into social state of affairs, I always disliked it.  My intuition said there was something about this that didn't seem right.  Private conferences, ones like these, always hid something that were linked to my weakness; veiling turmoil through fake good-will and pleasantry.  I already had enough to deal with just searching for the reason why the Crimson Squad - my family - had been so brutally killed.  And then there's that Vegnagun on top of it.  Which, I knew in time, Yuna would gradually take matters into her own hands. 

"The Meyvn would like a private conference," Lucil gave me the Youth League salute again, though I didn't know what the point of cosntantly doing it was.  "Please follow me."

So Nooj wanted a talk, eh?  I wonder what this is all about.  It better not be an offer to turn against Baralai. That's something I would never do.  I don't care what circumstances, or whatever posessed Baralai to be a part of that accursed New Yevon, I would never turn against that angel. 

~ ~ ~

"Thank you, Lucil. You may be dismissed," Nooj quietly ordered the headstrong general, and she gave him the salute before departing.

I turned off the reciever - my only connection with the Gullwings - and clipped it on one of my belts to remind myself to turn it on later. I didn't want any part of this conversation to leak out if Brother decided to once again start harping on my earphone.  My blood-colored ice chips rested on Nooj, who had his back to me. 

"What's this about?" I sardonically asked, my arms already crossed at my chest and my posture aggressive.

Nooj turned to me, his brown gaze centering on my countenance.  "Nothing of business, if that's what you're concerned about."

"Spit it out, I don't have all day."

"A bit testy, aren't we Paine?"

It had been forever since I had heard Nooj said my name.  When the familiar syllables and tone had reached my ears fully, I was taken aback.  My eyes widened as he fully turned to me, a soft smile on his face.  His free hand gingerly took the spectacles off his nose as his smile never faded.

My head turned to the side, not being able to really look him in the eye.  Usually the spectacles served as an obstruction from his eyes but now that they were gone...well...I just couldn't find it in myself to return the gaze.  "Whatever.  Could we please get to what you wanted to say?"

"Say?" he frowned a bit. "It wasn't really merely something that needed to be said, but time that needed to be spent."

My face remained expressionless, my lips pursed and my body tensed.  My eyes darted back to him. "Right.  Riddles.  Well, if that's all you have to say, then I'll be going."  I released my arms and hands and started forward to the exit of the tent.

"Paine, please wait," Nooj limped towards the exit trying to stop me.  But the machina in him wouldn't let him react fast enough.

I stopped only a few feet away from the tent's opening, my back to him. My voice assertive yet soft. "What now?"

"I just wanted to talk to you," his voice was uncharacteristically gentle.  In a split second, his cooing voice had hardened and held back anger. "But if you're just going to run away like this.."

I turned around suavely, my face turning to him as my garnet optics narrowed on his mnaly features.  My heart pounded on my icy exterior, yelling at me for being so cruel and apathetic towards an old ally.  I wasn't ready to go all-out mushy on Nooj, but I did consider some of the suggestions my sensitive half requested.

"I'm sorry, Nooj," I said quietly; so quiet I could almost avoid hearing myself say such words.  "It's just that..."

Nooj wobbled over to me, his eyes resting on me as my head lowered. The angered ire and disappointment had instantaneously been vanquished in his voice when he heard my barely audible apology.  "It's all right.  Avoiding reunion is avoiding emotional outbreak, right?"

My face was still turned to the side.  I was staring at the floor hearing his once-more unnatural gentle voice behind me.  I just couldn't look at him like this.  Especially when he could guess what I was trying to escape from when I hadn't even given him the slightest clue.  My emotions were unstable and wild; I couldn't control them anymore.  When this happened, I would always try to elusively hide my eyes.  I knew that they would give me away.  "That's one way of putting it," I mumbled.

I felt a hand on my shoulder.  The cloth warm and the gesture affectionate.  He softly gripped my shoulder for what it seemed to be reassurance.  But I didn't need reassurance.  I needed to get out of here.  In my heart, though, I knew I had to face up to whatever was coming and get this over with.  My head lifted up slowly and I was eye to eye with Nooj. 

"I understand," his voice was kind and reassuring.  "It's just that, the other day, this...... I found a sphere that was left in that old recorder you used to have.  And, well.  To put it bluntly, I just had to see you."

I could feel my own expression soften.  The hard exterior slowly - agonizingly - crumbling away.  I couldn't stop it.  I couldn't hold back the flooding emotions much longer.

Nooj's hand withdrew from my shoulder but his bark-colored eyes still looked at me. 

"I know things have changed now.  It seems that change has hit you the hardest, though."

"What do you mean by that?" I threateningly growled.  I felt like I was being multilated by the inside and being examined.  The violating feeling wasn't pleasant at all.

Nooj laughed heartily - something that I haven't heard him do in ages.  The labrotory metaphor soon turned into something more manipulative and deceptive.  I was no longer on a lab table but in some kind of game he was plotting.  Spreading out the game pieces and using me as his prime pawn.  Though somehow, while my mind deducted that reasoning, the rest of my body percieved this all to be a very homey welcome.  Perhaps even an emotional refuge for a brief respite.

"You know, even if we all do go down our own paths...there's just a few things I can't forget about what we shared," he smiled again at me.  "Come, let's go to the balcony.  I promise it won't take long."

~ ~ ~

I was now facing the sea again.  Watching the seagulls fly around and the waves crash against the red earth.  Nooj stood right at the tip of the balcony, his eyes focusing on the sun's descent.

"Paine.  Do you remember the day when Sin attacked, and they put this machina in me?"

My arms - no longer in their usual crossed position - relaxed and rested at my sides.  Waves of potent fear coursed through my veins when he recalled that memory.  Flashes of white, red, and screams filled my head.  My eyes grew wide with the terror of the fuzzy images...

Nooj had been the strongest and eldest fighter out of all of us.  At the robust and manly age of 19, he was headstrong and picky with his friends and enemies.  How he accepted me into his posse was beyond me.  I was only a newbie when that unfortunate accident happened to Nooj.  Even so, I was still an emotional young teenager and I had grown very attached to each of them.  I needed something to cling onto.  Something to keep me going.  I wasn't sure what I was investing my emotions into when I loved them as my family, but I felt I had nothing else to lose.  Except if one of them died.  Then perhaps I just might lose my mind.

Gippal came running to me that day.  His body jerking unnaturally and frantically.  Screaming my name in a hoarse, desperate voice.  When I came face-to-face to him, it looked like he had been crying.  His eyes were bloodshot red and his lip quivered.  Wet slicks were on his precious cheekbones and his glittering smile was absent.   His body trembled in tremors I've never seen before.  His voice was bogged down from his chocking and he couldn't spreak right.

"Nooj--" he brokenly said. "Nooj--he's--he's--trouble--he's in--trouble."

My heart flipped and did somersaults when I heard this.  Nooj?  Our leader?  Our strong, unbreakable, undying leader?  When those words fully hit me, my stability was shattered.  I myself began to break down, trembling as violently as Gippal had.

"Where is he?! Take me to him!"

I remember how Gippal rushed me to the Infirmary tent.  How Baralai stood in front of the tent, his face in his hands and silent.  I remember the soft beeping of the emergency room when I went in.  I could sense, feel, taste the fear.  White.  Everything was white.  Bright lights were scattered everywhere and I couldn't see right.  The lights were not Baralai's comforting snowy-hue, but blazing and glaring.  Blinding.  Unyeilding.  Hiding.  The heavy scent of medicine washed my senses and left me dizzy.  My emotions causing adrenaline to pump it's way through me.  I heard nurses and doctors rush by, yelling orders and screaming for tools.  And through this noise, I could hear muffled crying.  Pained moans.  My heart began to beat faster as I pushed my way through the crowds, following that soft murmuring.  I wanted to see Nooj so badly.  I wanted to see what Sin had done.  I wanted to see if Nooj had a chance to make it.

Then, that's when I saw him.  Nooj.  He was on a silver, metal table, screaming in agony.  Blood pouring in trickling waterfalls on the floor.  His blood.  His blood was on all of the nurses hands.  His blood is what covered his beautiful face.  His blood that made this white room...red.  I knew that to have that much blood loss one wouldn't be able to make it.  I strained to see his face.  It was contorted with misery.  That smile, those glittering eyes, were now disguised by hurt.  I could hear him moaning, crying....screaming.

Seeing him like that was unbearable for me.  I squirmed from where-ever I had been and ran to him, reguardless of the nurses and the doctors.  Nooj needed someone by him.  Nooj needed someone to hold his hand despite he would refuse it.  I wanted to know that we were here.  He was also an orphan...and to die alone like that...I didn't want to allow that.  I wasn't even going to allow him to die.  I had...shed my first few tears since my parent's death in that stuffy hospital room.  It was strange; feeling the water slide down my cheeks when I tried so hard to block out any feeling at all.  The last time I had cried I was broken and wishing to die.  Now?  The tears were flowing just to bring life. I had to keep strong, though.  I had to stay strong for Nooj.

I remained silent as I walked to his side.  His body was twitching from the torn nerves and blood loss.  He was grunting agonizingly as his eyes shut.  My eyes were watering again just looking at his helpless figure.  This was Nooj.  The Nooj.  The cranky leader of our posse.  The relentless fighter of the war.  The unwavering soldier.  He was the stuff stability was made out of.  He was strength.  All of that reduced to a bleeding, shaking body.  He had to make it.  He was strong enough, wasn't he?  He couldn't leave us.  I won't let him leave us!  I gingerly took his clenching fist and soothed him with cooing words and caresses.  My eyes still stared at his grimacing face. While doing so, I felt myself gasp.  When my eyes trailed down to see where it was bleeding, I noticed that...Nooj's arm...and leg...had been ripped off.  The blood that were pouring out was too much. 

Too much to realize he doesn't have a chance to live.

"Nooj," I said in broken sobs. "Nooj, it's me! I'm here, Nooj!" My other hand soon wrapped itself around his quivering fingers.  "Don't be scared, Nooj...I'm here."

Nooj screamed, arching his back and flows of tears ran down his eyes. 

"Nooj, can you hear me?" I said louder.  "Nooj!  Nooj, I'm here! Nooj, you aren't alone!"

And that moment, his head turned to me.  Tear-filled eyes looked at me, crying for me, wishing to be released from this unspeakable trauma. 

"Nooj," I said again, my ruby eyes leaking out diamonds.  "Nooj...please don't die," I begged.  "Please don't.  I don't know what I'd do if--if you'd go.  Please!" My tear-stained face lowered and against his hand as I continued to cling. "We all need you! I need you!"

I didn't look up.  I felt too shamed as my strength gave way, leaving the diamonds to come out like waterfalls.  Just then, I felt a squeeze.  It was weak, subtle even...but I felt it.  Nooj was holding my hand.  I squeezed gently back.  I didn't lift my head, but kneeled there by his side from what it seemed to be an eternity.  His screams being less frequent, and all of this began to meld into a dream.  The sounds of the nurses rushing and doctors shouting began to grow far from me.  I could only feel Nooj's touch, Nooj's feeble attempt to assure he was going to make it.  I was only concentrating on that.  On bringing Nooj back.  As everything grew far away from me...I began to really wonder...

Was this real?

Of course not.  This couldn't be happening.

It was too surreal to believe...

I blinked as reality seeped through my skin again.  The memory began to vanish with the rushing nurses and the frenzied doctors.  The burning questions of could it be real? left my mind as well as the panic.  I looked to the right of me, seeing Nooj's penetrating eyes observe me, speculate what was going on through my mind.

"All too well," the words escaped from my voice.

Nooj nodded. "So do I."  There was a period of silence, before he began to talk again.  "...But there was something I never told you of that day, Paine.  Perhaps you could call it pride, or maybe I was delusioned that we'd never separate like we have.  But..."

My body turned all the way to face him.  I now was staring at him whole.  What was he trying to say...?

He turned his face away from me.  His eyes trailing to the floor as he obviously struggled to manage to say the words.

"When I was on that operating table, a lot of things went through my mind.  Loves, family, friends...Back then, I didn't really realize how much I had an impact on everyone.  I mean, aside from my status, of course.  I had always thought that many of the Crusaders revered me as the strongest, the most powerful...and thus by Crusader nature, they worshipped me as their idol.  But I really wondered...did anyone care to know the person behind the Crusader status?  Were there people out there that admired Nooj, instead of Nooj the Crusader?  I began to really wonder about people's affections and links to me.  Even now, I am just truly worshipped by this mob of kids because I am the Meyvn Nooj.  The Meyvn gives them purpose.  The Meyvn knows the answers.  The Meyvn will win them glory.  But what of Nooj?  What of me?

"Even through these silly little fan clubs these Youth League members create, or the ridiculous flattering things they say to me, or the crazy fan girls that wait everyday at the enterance of this tent...what really stayed true, was when I saw you on that medical table.

"Back at Crusader HQ, everyone was breaking down, yes.  I knew they would.  'The most powerful Crusader fallen? - dear me, what are we to do!'" he mocked, his voice squeaky and portraying one of a damsel in distress. "'Without him, what are we to do?!' They all crumbled from the lack of Nooj the Crusader's promise of stability and forever of being the Unfallen.  But who was there to catch the falling Nooj? No one.  Or at least I had assumed so.

"But then, you came along.  With Gippal...and Baralai...But when I opened my eyes, wishing for death...I saw your face. I saw your eyes.  I saw that you were...crying for me."

How embarrassing...how he remembers that.

"And not for the Crusader.  But for me.  It was...a pleasant surprise.  You had come to me, you had seeked to comfort me.  Not because I was the most popular Crusader, but because I was me."

I paused, my eyes remaining hard and clouded.

"I never forgot that," he quietly said, looking out to sea. "I never forgot seeing you there in my most desperate hour of need.  Of seeing you there, Baralai, Gippal...all of you.  Beside me."  He flushed crimson for a brief second. "I guess, what I really wished to tell you was.  That it was because of you all, that I'm here.  That I'm alive."

"Nooj...I..."