Hey everyone!@ I hope you enjoy this chapter, because this took me awhile to type up since I had to transfer it from my notebook to the computer and im not the fastest typer in the land.
Thanks for reviewing
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As I was walking down the road to the Brooklyn Bridge I suddenly felt jumpy. Every step I took was getting harder and harder to make. My breathing was coming faster and it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest in fright. I stopped in my spot, getting a glares from people walking around, and just stood there in the middle of the road. I didn't know how long I was standing there but it seemed like the closer I got to the bridge the faster my heartbeat would go faster. I stood there looking over at the bridge and was watching the carriages go over the bridge with plenty of ease.
At that point in time I saw figures come over the bridge but I couldn't see who it was. The sun was making me squint my eyes at them. I wanted to run to see who it was, but then again I didn't want to know who it was and I just wanted to run the other way. As the figures came closer I could feel my heart going faster. I wanted to run but my legs wouldn't go for it. They seemed like they had a mind of their own. I just wanted to hit my legs and start to run but I knew that as soon as I started to run that the people on the bridge would have already caught up with me. So I decided just to stand there and wait for them. What's the worse it could be? Ok, that's not a good question to ask after having a life-death situation.
"Sweetz? Is dat youse?" Who the heck was talking to me. Stupid sun, I couldn't make out the faces because of the suns gleam. (Is that a word?)
"Of course its me." Now would you please tell me who you are. "Is dat really youse?"
"Yea its us." Well thanks for telling me who you are. Nothing better then a conversation with people you don't know who your talking to. "Wese hoird bout what happened and wese wanted ta check up on yas."
"Well tanks people. But Ise fine." The tall figure stepped right in front of the sun and I could make out Jack, Rocket, Racetrack, and Blink with Dirtie in his arms. Soo cute! "Ise was on me way ta visit yas but me legs stopped woiking."
"Stopped woiking?" Blink asked with a really confused face. Dirtie looked at him and gave a small giggle.
"Yea dey won't let me ova da bridge."
"Well wese all going ta visit Spot. Youse can join us or youse can stand here until wese get back?" Jack said to me with that stupid little grin of his.
"Ise mine as well go back ta Spots. Aint getting any luck on crossing da bridge." We all turned around and headed for the Brooklyn Lodging House. We were just about to open the door to it when Spot opened it for us and looked at us shocked. His eyes soon landed on me.
"Was bout ta go catch up with youse."
"Well if me legs woiked Ise would've been long gone."
"Anyways Spot, wese all came ta see ya. Youse gonna leave yer friend out here or invite us in?" Spot glared at Jack and opened the door wider. When it was my turn to walk in he stopped me and told Jack the that he'd be right back. He closed the door and we both sat down on the steps in silence.
"Sweetz, Ise gotta talk ta yas."
"Isn't dat what youse doing?"
"Ise just real sorry fer what happened between us. "
"Not anudder one of dese conversations. " I said leaning against the railing.
"Well aren't youse a little upset bout da breakup?"
"Of coise. Youse broke me heart. But no, youse didn't care. Youse had ta have it yer way. Nothing goes until Conlon approves of it. But did ya once tell me dat youse wanted a break? No ya didn't. Youse could've been decent and told me what was Ise doing ta make youse so miserable. Ise would have give ya da woild if Ise could. Cause ta me, dats what it felt like whenever Ise was in yer arms." My voice became softer." Ise felt safe in yer arms, protected. Ise didn't once tink dat youse would cause me pain." A tear trickled down my cheek followed by many others. "And youse tink Ise trying ta run? Youse say dat Ise run from me problems. Well try being in da same room wit a person who broke yer heart. It hoits ta talk ta ya, ta be in da same room as ya, ta even hear yer name. Ise just want my life back ta when Ise didn't know yas. Ise regret dat dey on da bridge. Ise even knew dat if Ise opened up den Ise would be vulnerable ta getting hoit." I wiped away my tears away. "Look like I was right." I stood up and didn't even both looking Spot in the eyes. I knew he saw my pain. I quickly went back into the Lodging house and went back into the room where I was sleeping in before and welcomed the darkness that surrounded me.
I knew I had to wake up and sell newspapers, but I didn't feel like it. I don't want to face anyone, especially Spot. I couldn't believe he just sat there listening to me whine. I doubt he was listening. I bet he was thinking of something to keep his mind off of me. He was probably thinking about Merp. If I was him I would pick her over me too. She is soo beautiful and no one could even come close to match her beauty.
I guess this is how life is going be from now on. All alone, no one to talk to. Its not much of a change from when I first came to the newsies. I guess it was better back then. I didn't have to worry about people betraying me or getting my heart broken. But I had to grow up. Somehow, I feel like I've matured more since Spot and I broke up. I feel more responsible for my feelings and actions. I think my heart has this hole inside it which is being filled up with fear.
What if I'm never loved again? What if I never love again? What if I don't trust myself to vulnerability? I don't want to die an old lonesome lady. I want to have someone hold me,. I don't want to be held just to feel safe and protected. I want to be a held because someone missed me in their arms.
My friend Katie once told me, 'Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile and finds your presence that life is worthwhile. So when you are lonely, remember its true, somebody somewhere is thinking of you.' I will never forget those words. Those were one of the last things she told me before dying from an unknown disease. Katie was like my sister and when she died I felt part of me die with her. When I met Spot I could feel that part come alive again. I felt myself open to new things and new feelings. When Spot walked into the hospital room with Merp in his arms, I felt myself freeze over. He had left me like Katie did. Without no good reason. The two people I can honestly say that I loved. I can't even say 'I loves Spot', I can't put into the past tense, I love him and I will make sure he's happy even if its not with me.
If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. (Claudia Grandi)
I just wish that Spot could turn to me and look me in the yes and say 'I love you' once more. Why do I miss him so much? Do I miss being loved or being with Spot?
Its so hard living in the same building as Spot. I miss him coming in my bed and holding me, but now all I can think about is him and Merp. I'm so jealous and I don't want to be. Merp is a nice girl and I would never intentionally hurt her. If her and Spot are happy then so be it.
I'm sick of fighting for something that isn't there. I'm sick of living every day knowing that no one special is waiting for me. No one there to whisper in my ear and tell me that its going to be okay.
Everybody has their down times. But I feel like I'm going to stay this way for awhile. To me it feels like a hundred knives stabbing my heart. Its hard to breathe when he walks by. Its hard to think. All I can do is ask myself 'What if?' That's not going to get me anywhere.
Thanks for reviewing
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As I was walking down the road to the Brooklyn Bridge I suddenly felt jumpy. Every step I took was getting harder and harder to make. My breathing was coming faster and it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest in fright. I stopped in my spot, getting a glares from people walking around, and just stood there in the middle of the road. I didn't know how long I was standing there but it seemed like the closer I got to the bridge the faster my heartbeat would go faster. I stood there looking over at the bridge and was watching the carriages go over the bridge with plenty of ease.
At that point in time I saw figures come over the bridge but I couldn't see who it was. The sun was making me squint my eyes at them. I wanted to run to see who it was, but then again I didn't want to know who it was and I just wanted to run the other way. As the figures came closer I could feel my heart going faster. I wanted to run but my legs wouldn't go for it. They seemed like they had a mind of their own. I just wanted to hit my legs and start to run but I knew that as soon as I started to run that the people on the bridge would have already caught up with me. So I decided just to stand there and wait for them. What's the worse it could be? Ok, that's not a good question to ask after having a life-death situation.
"Sweetz? Is dat youse?" Who the heck was talking to me. Stupid sun, I couldn't make out the faces because of the suns gleam. (Is that a word?)
"Of course its me." Now would you please tell me who you are. "Is dat really youse?"
"Yea its us." Well thanks for telling me who you are. Nothing better then a conversation with people you don't know who your talking to. "Wese hoird bout what happened and wese wanted ta check up on yas."
"Well tanks people. But Ise fine." The tall figure stepped right in front of the sun and I could make out Jack, Rocket, Racetrack, and Blink with Dirtie in his arms. Soo cute! "Ise was on me way ta visit yas but me legs stopped woiking."
"Stopped woiking?" Blink asked with a really confused face. Dirtie looked at him and gave a small giggle.
"Yea dey won't let me ova da bridge."
"Well wese all going ta visit Spot. Youse can join us or youse can stand here until wese get back?" Jack said to me with that stupid little grin of his.
"Ise mine as well go back ta Spots. Aint getting any luck on crossing da bridge." We all turned around and headed for the Brooklyn Lodging House. We were just about to open the door to it when Spot opened it for us and looked at us shocked. His eyes soon landed on me.
"Was bout ta go catch up with youse."
"Well if me legs woiked Ise would've been long gone."
"Anyways Spot, wese all came ta see ya. Youse gonna leave yer friend out here or invite us in?" Spot glared at Jack and opened the door wider. When it was my turn to walk in he stopped me and told Jack the that he'd be right back. He closed the door and we both sat down on the steps in silence.
"Sweetz, Ise gotta talk ta yas."
"Isn't dat what youse doing?"
"Ise just real sorry fer what happened between us. "
"Not anudder one of dese conversations. " I said leaning against the railing.
"Well aren't youse a little upset bout da breakup?"
"Of coise. Youse broke me heart. But no, youse didn't care. Youse had ta have it yer way. Nothing goes until Conlon approves of it. But did ya once tell me dat youse wanted a break? No ya didn't. Youse could've been decent and told me what was Ise doing ta make youse so miserable. Ise would have give ya da woild if Ise could. Cause ta me, dats what it felt like whenever Ise was in yer arms." My voice became softer." Ise felt safe in yer arms, protected. Ise didn't once tink dat youse would cause me pain." A tear trickled down my cheek followed by many others. "And youse tink Ise trying ta run? Youse say dat Ise run from me problems. Well try being in da same room wit a person who broke yer heart. It hoits ta talk ta ya, ta be in da same room as ya, ta even hear yer name. Ise just want my life back ta when Ise didn't know yas. Ise regret dat dey on da bridge. Ise even knew dat if Ise opened up den Ise would be vulnerable ta getting hoit." I wiped away my tears away. "Look like I was right." I stood up and didn't even both looking Spot in the eyes. I knew he saw my pain. I quickly went back into the Lodging house and went back into the room where I was sleeping in before and welcomed the darkness that surrounded me.
I knew I had to wake up and sell newspapers, but I didn't feel like it. I don't want to face anyone, especially Spot. I couldn't believe he just sat there listening to me whine. I doubt he was listening. I bet he was thinking of something to keep his mind off of me. He was probably thinking about Merp. If I was him I would pick her over me too. She is soo beautiful and no one could even come close to match her beauty.
I guess this is how life is going be from now on. All alone, no one to talk to. Its not much of a change from when I first came to the newsies. I guess it was better back then. I didn't have to worry about people betraying me or getting my heart broken. But I had to grow up. Somehow, I feel like I've matured more since Spot and I broke up. I feel more responsible for my feelings and actions. I think my heart has this hole inside it which is being filled up with fear.
What if I'm never loved again? What if I never love again? What if I don't trust myself to vulnerability? I don't want to die an old lonesome lady. I want to have someone hold me,. I don't want to be held just to feel safe and protected. I want to be a held because someone missed me in their arms.
My friend Katie once told me, 'Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile and finds your presence that life is worthwhile. So when you are lonely, remember its true, somebody somewhere is thinking of you.' I will never forget those words. Those were one of the last things she told me before dying from an unknown disease. Katie was like my sister and when she died I felt part of me die with her. When I met Spot I could feel that part come alive again. I felt myself open to new things and new feelings. When Spot walked into the hospital room with Merp in his arms, I felt myself freeze over. He had left me like Katie did. Without no good reason. The two people I can honestly say that I loved. I can't even say 'I loves Spot', I can't put into the past tense, I love him and I will make sure he's happy even if its not with me.
If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. (Claudia Grandi)
I just wish that Spot could turn to me and look me in the yes and say 'I love you' once more. Why do I miss him so much? Do I miss being loved or being with Spot?
Its so hard living in the same building as Spot. I miss him coming in my bed and holding me, but now all I can think about is him and Merp. I'm so jealous and I don't want to be. Merp is a nice girl and I would never intentionally hurt her. If her and Spot are happy then so be it.
I'm sick of fighting for something that isn't there. I'm sick of living every day knowing that no one special is waiting for me. No one there to whisper in my ear and tell me that its going to be okay.
Everybody has their down times. But I feel like I'm going to stay this way for awhile. To me it feels like a hundred knives stabbing my heart. Its hard to breathe when he walks by. Its hard to think. All I can do is ask myself 'What if?' That's not going to get me anywhere.