Disclaimer: Ok, Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own 'em . But he's not using most of them, so I am borrowing them.
Author's note: Comforting words? It is darkest before the light? Every cloud has a silver lining? In my universe, Faith could still stake Angel?
Nawww…never that easy. Thus, we have another part to the story
To keep the timeline, we have to figure we are somewhere past summer now, around the time Faith would meet Buffy in the "real Buffyverse".
As you read previously, Angel has come back. How, without Buffy putting the claddagh ring in the mansion, I don't know. I leave those things up to the PTB. I know I read on "All things Philosophical BtVS and AtS", that the First Evil took some credit for returning him. Also the PTB might have had a hand in it. But in this Buffyverse, she wasn't there. Oh, well, I will probably be bending and twisting a lot of stuff, so I guess this really is an AU story. Anyway, thanks again for reading.
Summer of faith
Chapter 11
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They are spending another silent meal together. Each tries to avoid being caught looking at the other. No one is eating much. Faith just stirs her food around the plate, Buffy eats bits, then just stops. The air in the room is thick with recrimination and guilt. Each only speaks to the other when they have to, and that is not too often. Faith gets up, cleans the plate, and puts it in the sink. She makes some excuse, and leaves.
They have settled into an uneasy routine since that conversation nearly two weeks ago. In the morning, each tries to be gone before the other; unfortunately, that usually means they run into each other over half the time. Both stay away from the apartment as much as possible until dinner. They eat, in silence, and then Faith usually goes out, making some excuse, leaving Buffy alone with her thoughts. She stays out until she is pretty sure Buffy has gone to bed. Most times this works; sometimes Buffy is still up. If so, she sits in a chair, staring out the window. When Buffy is in bed, Faith will slip in, as far away as she can be from Buffy. If Buffy tries to move closer, she moves. Finally, when she is out of moving room, about to fall out, Buffy usually retreats.
Both are feeling guilt and resentment. Faith's resentment, and Buffy's guilt are pretty easy to understand. Faith feels guilt because she feels somehow this is her fault. She failed Buffy somehow, wasn't enough for Buffy. Buffy, on the other hand, feels resentment because she feels Faith thinks Buffy used her, and never felt anything for Faith. Also, she feels that Faith thinks this is easy for her, not realizing it is tearing her up inside.
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Buffy:
Damn
Damn her.
Damn letters.
Damn me.
Why am I letting this happen? Why am I feeling this way? I don't understand it, I really don't.
I love Faith. I know I do. She has been … everything to me. She treats me… I don't have words for how she treats me. Everything is too corny. Like a queen? Hell, queens should have it so good. I'm loved; I love her. When she touches me, I am in heaven. The little things she does for me make me crazy and happy and stupid. I want nothing more than to make her happy the same way. Isn't that love? Isn't that what it's supposed to be?
So, why when I got these letters, didn't I toss them? Why did I read them? Why did my heart feel like an open wound again? Why do I still LOVE HIM????? I don't get it. He nearly killed me, and everyone I love… and I still love him. Why? Why do thoughts of him creep into my mind? Why do I see his eyes, and they haunt me? Why do I still feel his touch, his kisses? What the hell is wrong with me? I am throwing away the best woman in the world, the best life in the world. For some stupid hopeless dream? Dream? NIGHTMARE! I make love to him, he goes fangy, kills me and everyone I love. I make love to Faithy, she holds me and cuddles me and makes me feel like the most special thing that ever lived. So, God, powers that be, whatever the hell you are, explain this to me. PLEASE!
I'm losing her, I'm losing her. And it's my own fault. When I look at her, I can see the pain, the hurt, and the jealousy. When I try to touch her, she pulls away. We don't talk, we don't do anything together. We barely live together.
Every night she goes out. She makes some excuse. About patrolling. Or getting a drink. Or taking a walk. Or getting some air. Or some lame crap. And I sit here, thinking, looking at those damned letters, and crying. I might as well have a lover, a dozen lovers, for all we connect. Doesn't she think I'm hurting here? Does she think this is easy for me? I'm just la- de- da? Do I have to do all the reaching out? Hell, maybe SHE has some lover or something. How do I know… yeah. Blame her for your stupidity , Buffy. I can't smell anything on her, but her. Why won't she talk to me? At least try? Doesn't she love me? Have I killed that, too? Damn, damn… I'm NOT gonna cry again. I'm not gonna. Not this time. Not gonna cry.
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But she does, like every other night. The tears come, and she can't stop them. And she wonders how she could've messed it all up so bad.
And it goes on. And near the end of the third week, Faith has had enough. She knows this can't go on. It is killing both of them, and she can't take the thought of Buffy hurting anymore.
Faith:
So, I know what I gotta do. I gotta do it, and I don't like it, one bit. But, I am gonna lose her. I'm already losing her, I might have already lost her. But, if I don't do something, I am sure to lose her. We can't live like this, hurting each other.
So, I know what I gotta do. No matter what it costs me, doesn't matter. I can't see her hurting like this. I failed her, let her down somehow. Didn't do something right. I dunno. I just know this is madness.
Ok, Faith, grab your guts, and just do it
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" B, we gotta talk" Faith looks up from moving her food around her plate. " This can't go on like this anymore."
Buffy looks up, startled. She had not expected Faith to speak, much less want to talk. A little bit of hope(AT LAST!!) went through her, followed by dread(OH, NO). She looked at Faith, without turning away, for the first time in nearly 3 weeks.
" You're right" Buffy replied, quietly. " We need to talk"
"This is hard for me. So, just let me get it out, then you can tell me what you think. Ok?" Faith asks
Buffy nods
" I've been thinking . A lot. About what happened. I'm not gonna lie, B. It hurt. It hurt big time. To find those letters. To catch you sneaking off to read them. Seeing you cry over them, and you shutting me out. Not telling me about it. It made me feel like you didn't trust me. Made me feel you thought I was some kinda monster that wouldn't understand. That really cut deep."
Buffy nods, looking at her shoes.
" B. look at me, please? Don't hide" Faith waits for Buffy to look up. " I'm not scolding you, B. I'm trying to tell you my feelings, why I have been acting like I have. And I wanted to tell you I'm sorry" Buffy goes wide eyed; she can't believe what she is hearing
" I haven't tried hard enough. To reach out. To get past my own hurt, and realize you're hurting too. I can't stand seeing you hurt, B. I guess that is why it hurt so much when you wouldn't let me in to help you. I didn't understand."
Buffy feels tears coming. She starts" Faith…no, baby…" But Faith interrupts her.
" Let me finish B. This isn't working" Faith starts, and Buffy starts to get a sinking feeling. " We've been playing house. It was too soon, B. We got together too soon after you lost Angel" Faith hates saying the words, and Buffy hates hearing them. " You were still needing love, baby, I know that. But not the kind we shared. You needed someone to help you over Angel, to let you get out what you were feeling. We both rushed into something that we hadn't thought out. I blame myself, B. I shoulda been stronger, shoulda done something to slow it down. But I didn't. I'm sorry" Faith finishes, her voice barely above a whisper.
Buffy feels her stomach tighten. She is losing Faith, she knows it, and it is like eating glass.
"Buffy" Faith continues, using Buffy's full name, something she hardly ever does, " You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I… I… never had anyone care about me the way you do. I never felt about anyone like I feel about you. I have slept with lots of people, B. But you're my first, B. My first love. You made me understand what love means; what it means to want to love someone. To care more about someone than myself."
"Buffy, I don't want to lose you" Buffy looks up, a tiny bit of hope growing in her " I can't think of a life without you in it, somewhere. I don't know what to do. You're not over Angel. I can see that. And I know you can't love us both the same way. So, I'm stuck. It's making me nuts to try to figure what to do."
" So, here's my idea. See what you think. We don't have any real reason why we have to live in L. A., do we?"
" No…no reason" Buffy answers, a bit puzzled.
" So, what do you think if say, we move to Sunnydale?" Faith is gripping her chair, hoping she will go for it
"What? Sunnydale? Why?" Buffy is confused even more.
" Look, Buff. You need your friends, you need your mom. It's your last year in high school. You should be doing that kinda thing. Going on like this, just isn't going to work. So, if we move to Sunnydale, you can be with your mom, and with your friends again."
" Also, we need a break, B. We need to figure out where our relationship is gonna go, or if it's gonna go. We can't do that, being together. Also, there is the Angel thing. Face it, you need time, alone, away from me, to sort it out. I can find a place to stay up there, find a job, and be around in case you decide you and me gotta chance. So, Buff…what about it? What do you think?"
Buffy is so happy, she can barely contain herself. Ok, not the "break" thing. Not so happy about that. But the rest? Oh yeah!
" You could stay with me and my mom" Buffy says, hopefully.
" No, Buffy, I really can't. If I do, even if we had separate rooms, you know as soon as we got a chance, we would be all over each other, and then we're back to square one. Not until you are sure, you are sure that I'm what you want, then it's real physical separation. I'm sorry, baby, I'm not made of steel. I can't be around you and not want to put my hands and lips and tongue all over you. These last 3 weeks have been killing me. So, no. I can't stay with you and your mom."
Damn her. She saw right through me, Buffy chuckles to herself.
" But, you'll at least meet my mom?" Buffy insists.
Faith sighs " Ok, I'll meet your mom. But that's it. No scoobies, deal?"
"DEAL!!" Buffy squeals…then, quieter, more reserved, " Deal."
Faith can't help chuckling. She loves it when Buffy is happy.
Buffy, in a wee little girl voice " Can I have a hug?" Big wide eyes.
Faith looks at her, and thinks. I'm doomed
Faith voice, low and husky " I know I could use one"
Before she can get it all out, Buffy has gotten up, run over to her, and jumped in her lap. She hugs Faith so hard, Faith is afraid she will crack a rib.
"Easy honey…slayer strength?" Faith gasps
Buffy giggles " Sorry" but she really isn't
Then the kisses start. Happy kisses at first, but then they heat up… and get hotter and hotter.
And then the hands start to wander, and Faith finds her lips on Buffy's neck, moving down…and Buffy's hand is running up Faith's thigh….
Gotta stop…Faith is thinking…and feels Buffy's hand hits close to home…GOTTA STOP NOW!!!
"B…B…Buff…STOP!"
Buffy looks at Faith, confused and hurt.
Oh, god, Buffy, don't make this harder, please!
Faith sighs raggedly, " Buffy, it's not a good idea"
Buffy looks at Faith. She whimpers, and pouts, and does the eyes
"God, Buffy. If you for a second think I don't want to kiss you until your lips are bruised, that I don't want to make love to you until both our brains are jello, you are so wrong. But, until you know how you feel about me and Angel, it just can't happen. Until you can look at me and say " I want only you" , I can't do it. I can't. My heart won't take it. Not if I lose you again."
Buffy knows she's right. But it doesn't stop her from hating her for being right
" 'k" Buffy pouts
Faith sighs, hating this as much as Buffy. " We can hug, and we can cuddle. Just… no kissing, no ….stuff . I can't trust myself to kiss you. I lose it from there"
Buffy pouts some more, and crosses her arms. But inside her little girl is going " Yay, Yay, Yay" Cause she knows Faith still loves her.
The two , drained emotionally, decide to skip dinner, and just go to bed. They spoon, and Buffy sighs happily, 'cause she's missed holding Faith, feeling her close.
Faith is staring into space. As she hears the soft snore that tells her Buffy has gone to sleep, she feels the tears come.
Cause she is gonna do what she has to do, and she hates it.
She knows there's not gonna be a " Happy ever after" to this story
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TBC
Uh-oh. Read on, all is not finished yet.