Chapter 11: A Little R&R
Exhausted from working hard on spell preparation all day, Giles and Willow stepped out into the night, hoping that a walk and some dinner would help fade the tension of the day. They meandered out onto the sidewalk of the main street enjoying the peace and quiet of the setting sun. Willow inhaled deeply, savoring the smell of a freshly cut lawn.
The golden glow of sunset on her skin caused Giles to stare at her openly. She looked like a goddess in her sundress that swayed with her hips as she walked with him. Her copper locks took on a supernatural glow. For just a moment, he felt like he must be dreaming. She interrupted his adoration, misinterpreting his attention.
"What? Is the dress ok? You told me to change. I wasn't sure what to wear," she babbled, feeling insecure under his scrutiny. He silenced her with a smile.
"You're magical Willow. And you look incredible."
"Oh," her eyes twinkled with surprise and pleasure. "Well, you look pretty spiffy yourself," she openly admired how perfectly his pants clung to his backside. It was his turn to blush. Gratefully, she changed the subject. "So, where are we going?"
"Claire was raving about a restaurant that's only about a mile up the road. And…" he looked her in the eye, "I thought maybe you and I could use a little time to ourselves."
Her lips curled up in a smile. All day she had been beating back the urge to grab Giles and take him to a private room in the mansion so they could be alone. Even though she burned to kiss him again, her desire was born more out of the need to spend one on one time with him. She hooked her arm through his and enjoyed the walk.
As they approached the tiny restaurant, the smells rolling off the building caused their stomachs to growl in anticipation. When they stepped inside the darkened room, the scents intensified into smells so rich that Willow felt dizzy with over stimulation.
The perceptive hostess sat them in a private corner, complete with candles and gleaming crystal glasses waiting to be filled. After a few indecisive moments of looking at the menu and wanting one of everything, they ordered and the waiter brought over the bottle of merlot that they requested.
Giles held up his glass and Willow followed suit, looking at him questioningly.
"A toast, to you Willow," the love in his eyes nearly melted her right there. "You are the strongest person that I know. A toast…to your first week without dark magic."
They both took a healthy swallow of their wine.
"Wow."
"It is very good," Giles enjoyed the fumes that remained in his mouth.
"Yes, the wine is good," Willow agreed. "But I was wowing because it's only been a week…it feels like a lot longer than that," she said honestly.
"It's like that at first," he covered her hand with his own. "But eventually, each day won't seem like such a challenge."
"You make it easier," she met his gaze.
"Well, I have a lot of practice."
"That's not what I meant."
He took her compliment silently, pouring himself another glass of wine. Never before had he a desire to be so close to someone. His fears of sharing himself when they had stood in Buffy's yard had fallen away some time over the past several days. Now all he wanted was to tell her everything about himself, and to have her still love him anyway.
"My father was always dead set against me using the magicks, which made me delve even deeper into that life when I was younger. Rupert, don't shirk your responsibilities," Giles imitated his father. Willow watched him in silence as he opened up to her. "Shirk indeed," he frowned and looked up at Willow with sudden intensity. "You know, I think I've said something along those lines to Buffy more times than I can count. And it never once occurred to me that those words were the very thing that spurred me into rebellion."
"Like Watcher, like Slayer," she smiled at his distress. He made a very British noise in his throat, plainly dismayed by himself. "Does your father still live in England?"
"No, he passed away about 20 years ago," Giles buried his face in his glass so that Willow couldn't quite read his expression. However, she didn't let the subject pass.
"What happened?"
After a long pause, he finally answered the truth as he saw it.
"I killed him," he watched Willow carefully for her reaction. He wasn't surprised as she remained expressionless, her luminous green eyes wordlessly spurring him on to tell his story. "I don't think you really want to hear this story Willow."
"Yes, because what you've said so far is so comforting," she raised an eyebrow. When he just stared at her, speechless, she spoke up again, her tone low, "You want me to love you for who you really are Giles, right?...not some perfect flawless human. I know you're not perfect."
"Yes, but there's a different between being imperfect and being downright unforgivable."
"But doesn't everyone deserve forgiveness eventually?"
"Not for some things," he shook his head, his mind living over a 20 year old memory.
"Like killing someone," the crack in Willow's voice broke his concentration. He looked up to find tears in her eyes. He felt a wave of her guilt wash over him and realized what a stupid thing he had just said.
"Oh, no, Willow, I didn't mean you," his heart ached for her. He brought his hand up to her cheek and wiped away the tear that had just spilled over.
"Whatever you did, Giles, can't be any worse than what I did," she shook her head in sadness and excused herself. Giles cursed his stupidity as he watched her walk to the ladies room. She was right really. He had never thought of it in those terms. What he had done all those years ago was a direct result of too much dark magic. He blamed himself for losing control of it, but the truth was that it was too powerful for him.
Willow returned, her eyes slightly red, but now dry.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
"Whatever for?"
"You were telling me something about your past for the first time and I took it personally."
"Willow, I'm the one who should apologize," he rubbed his hand over his face. "I should have been more sensitive in what I said." He stared at his hands for a long moment and took a deep breath. "When I was in my early twenties I was involved with a small coven, including Ethan Rayne. We were so young and stupid conjuring Eyghon and other dark magic. But it was such a high that none of us even thought to stop. The eroticism was incredible." Giles paused, remembering so many moments of exhilaration from those days, actually mostly nights. He started to think twice about telling this story. There was a distinct possibility that even she would be appalled beyond her ability to understand. She sensed his reticence and encouraged him to continue.
"It's an incredible feeling, I know," she whispered. Sometimes she would conjure the magicks during sex with Tara to increase the intensity of their orgasms. At times like those, there wasn't much that Willow would have blushed at. Hell, Wrack had made her feel aroused beyond words for the short time she had fallen under his magic. It was only afterward that she had wept with regret at the things she had done, the things she had allowed him to make her feel.
"There were 6 of us at that time, myself, Ethan, Philip, Thomas, Randall and Diedre. Randall and Diedre were practically living together in a flat in London. That's where we usually met. I had just turned 21 and I think I spent more time in their flat than in my dorm room at Oxford."
"You at 21," Willow smiled. "Now that's something I wish I could see."
"You didn't miss much," he retorted dryly. "I was arrogant and stupid. Ethan and I thought we could do anything together. I mean, don't get me wrong, we could perform some pretty advanced spells back then when we worked together, but we had no idea the level of power we were invoking."
"It kind of sounds like when Tara and I first started doing magic together. By ourselves we weren't much, but together we could do just about anything."
Their food arrived and they both dug in while Giles continued.
"Exactly so. Ethan and I were really like Mutt and Jeff, wreaking havoc on the shadier parts of London. And so many nights…" he trailed off, letting Willow finish the sentence in her mind.
"Oh…" surprise lit her face. "I didn't realize…"
"Well, it's not something that I generally advertise," he smiled sheepishly.
"You know, I didn't 'know' know…but I knew there was something more there, beneath the surface. Every time he's come to Sunnydale, you're emotions around him have been really intense. Ok, mostly violently intense, but intense just the same."
"We were best friends for the better part of a year. And when we would perform the rituals with Eyghon, we would fall into a hazy tangle of limbs and pleasure. The first time we were both a little shocked by what we had done, and frankly a little embarrassed. I had never considered myself gay by any stretch of the imagination. But with Ethan, it was different." Giles finished off his third glass of wine and took a deep breath. "I don't know if it was the magicks or just my connection with him specifically, but we let the intimacy continue, sometimes with magic, sometimes without."
"You loved him, didn't you?" If anyone, Willow understood the existence of unconventional relationships. Giles sighed and gave her question some thought. Finally, he replied.
"I think so, in a way. Even back then Ethan was wild and constantly engaged in things that gave me pause. We fought quite a bit, actually. After Randall was taken whole and killed by Eyghon, I had had enough of the dark magicks. I told Ethan that we needed to stop or we would all find ourselves in pine boxes. He finally became sick of my 'goodie goodie attitude' and we had a rather large falling out."
"He broke it off with you?"
"Well," Giles frowned. "Actually, first we beat the living hell out of each other and then when I started to get the better of him he told me that we were through as friends and as whatever else we were. He didn't actually mean it. He just wanted to distract me enough to give me another good wallop, but I took his words to heart and left."
"Where did you go?"
"Back to Oxford. My father was able to talk to some inside contacts that happened to have ties with the Council. So, I buckled down and began taking my Watcher responsibilities seriously for once."
"But what about Ethan? Did he just leave you alone?"
"For a while I didn't see or hear anything from him. I have to admit that I missed him terribly, but I also knew that it was for the best because he would always bring trouble and chaos to my life. But one night, about a month after I returned to school, he showed up on my doorstep."
"He's still big with the dropping in unexpectedly."
"And he probably will be to the day he dies. But that night he was in a bad way. He came knocking on my dormitory window, shaking badly. He told me that he had tried to stop using magic so that we could be together. I let him climb into my room and just held him for a long while. I had gone through the same withdrawal alone, only weeks before."
Willow knew that feeling more intimately than she wished she did. She nodded for Giles to continue.
"I really do think that he was sincere at first. But he just couldn't resist the temptation of casting again. I think it was because we were together, and old habits do die hard…And I was weak too. Seeing him brought up all of those needs for the pleasure and the magic. He began to cast a spell on me, of the, ah, sexual variety," he blushed and poured another glass of wine for the two of them. Willow joined him, taking a large swallow. "I know I could have stopped him, but I didn't want to at the time. Anyway, the next morning as we lay together in a tangle of naked limbs, my father walked into my dorm room without knocking."
"Oh my Goddess," Willow felt for him. Her parents still had no clue to this day that she liked women. If her father had walked in on her and Tara, well, that would have been more of a mess than she wanted to think about. "What did he say?"
"He had a heart attack," Giles said simply.
"Literally?" Willow's own heart clenched.
"Yes," for the first time that night Giles removed his glasses and began to clean them. "And I thought he was faking…and so I just lay there, not moving, not helping, just tossing clever retorts at him from inside my haze of dark magic. I don't think it was seeing me and Ethan together as lovers that made his blood pressure climb, it was the blackness in my eyes from the magic that sent him over the edge. And I didn't know that he was really dying until it was too late to save him."
For the first time, Willow realized the depth of Giles' issues with magic. When he saw her delving deeper than she should, he wasn't being stodgy, he was telling her from experience that she needed to be careful, trying to save her from the mistakes he knew intimately.
"It must have been hard for you to tell me that story," Willow squeezed his hand and looked into his eyes with pure understanding.
"Not as hard as living with the truth," his eyes held a far off look, probably seeing things again that had been buried for the past 20 years.
"Giles, look at me," she ordered softly. Slowly, he complied, his eyes finally focusing on hers. "I know I'm not going to be able to convince you that it's not your fault. Because you are as insufferably stubborn as I am," to this he let the corners of his eyes crinkle. "But I want you to know that I'm the last person that's going to sit in judgment over you on this."
"You're not, eh, 'freaked out'?" he mimicked Buffy's slang.
"After living on the Hellmouth for my entire life, do you really think that a homosexual relationship and some black magic are going to freak me out? Come on Giles," she smirked her adorable smirk while he inwardly cringed at the word homosexual, but let it slide without comment. She wasn't exactly wrong, he knew. Besides, the wine was starting to have its intended effect and nothing seemed worth fretting over.
For the next hour, the two talked about everything under the sun, chatting intimately, enjoying their private time. Together, they polished off another bottle of wine, their dinners, and shared a delicious mousse dessert.
"I truly think that shoclate is better than sex," Willow proclaimed has she took her final bite.
"Oh, no, then you're just not doing it right," Giles waved his fork at her. Thankfully he had paid the bill, and now all he worried about was finding their way back to the mansion successfully.
"Scuse me, but I'm actually quite talented in that area, mister," she waved her fork back, engaging him in a mock sword fight.
"Oh, I'm sure you are," his eyelids dropped to half mast as he stared at the woman he loved, "but there's a lot to be said for plain old experience my dear." He stood, extended his hand and helped her to the door. Interestingly, the floor seemed to rock for them both. But they made it to the door without much of a scene. As they left the tiny dining room they both caught the waitress commenting to the bartender that they were ok because they were just walking down the street.
Willow nuzzled into his side as they walked in a jagged line down the sidewalk. Giles stopped abruptly, not sure if they were headed in the right direction.
"I think it's that way," Willow pointed vaguely in the other direction.
"Why do you think that?" he looked around, perplexed.
"Can't you feel them?" she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Whoa!" the world started to tilt, but luckily Giles caught her in time before she fell. Once he got her steadied, he grounded himself and tried to feel what Willow was referring to. He was surprised to find that he could sense the coven. She was right; they were in the other direction.
He was about to turn and head towards the mansion when he felt something else, something closer. It was actually coming from Willow. He felt it, a small bud of feeling welling inside of her. It felt nice and warm and sacred. She looked up at him with surprise at herself. In the moonlight he looked so dashing that he took her breath away. Tonight had been wonderful beyond the telling of it for her. She touched his shirt near his heart and felt it quicken beneath her fingers.
"I love you Giles," her voice was so low that he heard it in his mind more than with his ears. But he heard it just the same. He felt as if his heart would burst at hearing those words coming from her lips. He did the only think he could think of. He pulled her close and kissed her tenderly at first, which quickly became passionate. As they parted, hungry for air as they were for each other he leaned in next to her ear and said in a husky voice,
"I love you too Willow."