The boys of the Griffindor Quidditch Team+a proffesor+a dead eater
Looking up from the scrap of parchment he held in his hand, Professor Doubledork asked, "Is this real?"
Professor McGonads nodded, "Terrible as it sounds, it is true."
Doubledork shook his head, "How can this be done? I thought he had graduated from Hogheads long ago."
"He had," McGonads agreed, "But he is saying that he needs more training, and is coming back. We'll have to keep an eye on him."
"Don't worry, Professor McGonads," Doubledork promised, crumpling up the paper and throwing towards his pet bird, Feebles, who let out a loud squawk when it impacted, and immediately fell to the ground from the shock. "I shall be very careful when Lusty Malformed returns to Hogheads this year."
The train began to move along the track, and as Harry Plodder and his best, and only, friend, Runt Quesy, sat in their own little compartment, far away from spying eyes so they could do whatever they wished without being seen, they could almost hear the faint sounds of the engine, speaking, "I think I can, I think I can." Harry, short, egotistical, with some stupid cut on his face and brown hair that always needed proper grooming, was leaning back with his hands folded behind his head. Runt, red- hair, freckles, and interminably stupid, watched him with fascination, when suddenly this girl who had decided she was their friend, and who the two boys only let hang out with them was because she not only dissipated the rumors that they were involved, but as puberty was slowly setting in, was becoming more interesting with each passing day. At least the two bumps on her chest were. In any case, she came barging in, like she always did, and gasped out, "Did you hear?" Her incredibly unkempt hair flung itself over her eyes and she tried to brush it away, but her fingers became ensnarled, and she had to fight to free her hand.
"What is it now, Herwhiny?" Runt sighed.
"Drano Malformed's father, Lusty Malformed is coming back to Hogheads this year," Herwhiny Grumble informed them, feeling in necessary to repeat the chap's last name twice, as if the father's last name would somehow be different then his sons. She had little common sense, though she was quite book-smart.
Harry sat up, "How can he do that? I thought he had graduated, like, a million years ago or something."
"It was hardly a million, Harry," Herwhiny corrected him, which made Harry went to stand up and smack her. "And I'm not entirely sure. I heard that he wanted more training, and returned to get it."
"I bet he's just here to spy on Harry," Runt said.
"Yes, I'm worried, too," Herwhiny agreed, "After all, he is a Vegetarian, one of You-Know-Who's most loyal supporters."
Harry nodded, "Yeah, Spoiledsport, the most evil sorcerer ever. We'll have to keep a watch on him." Herwhiny nodded and then left. No one knew where she actually went to when she left them, but it was a good excuse for her to go away and leave Runt and Harry alone.
"What do you think of that? You think Lusty wants to spy on you for You-Know-Who?" Runt wondered.
Harry shrugged, he didn't know all that much, "It's a possibility," he said, and then took a nap.
When the train finally reached Hoghead, all the students disembarked. As they headed towards the carriages which would take them to the castle where the school was located, they could all heard Halfwit's booming voice, summoning the first-year students, who would ride in boats to the castle. As Harry and Runt got into their private carriage, being forced to share it with Herwhiny and Normal like they were every year, Runt tapped Harry on his shoulder and pointed. Together they looked at a very tall and striking first-year. "That's Malformed," Runt said.
"I don't know," Harry said appraisingly, looking Lusty Malformed up and down, "He looks well formed to me."
"No, Harry," Runt reprimanded him, and Harry was not sure if Runt had become jealous, "It's Lusty Malformed, he's at Hogheads, as a first-year!"
"I knew that," Harry snapped as they got into the carriage and went up to the castle.
As they rode up to the castle, Herwhiny could not shut up about seeing Lusty there, "Did you see him?" she said, "With that long blond hair, and those black eyes, it had to be him. I mean, really, what first- year is over six foot tall? Oh, excuse me, this is England, I meant two meters. It shall be interesting to see how he fits in this year."
They finally arrived at the castle after Runt and Harry were debated if they wanted to rip off the cushion they were sitting on and stick it in their ears or to simply strangle Herwhiny when they saw the lights inside, and knew that food was near. Immediately, every other thought they had fell to the wayside with the smell of food entreating them inside. It was a stampede as they raced for their table, the long Gritonfloor table. Nearby were the house Houses of Hogheads, Huffandpuff, Sillysin, and Ramensoup. The food, of course, wasn't actually there yet. The headmaster, Professor Doubledork, had to give a long and boring speech before he would make the food appear. He only allowed the smells to come through, as an enticement to the students who would have otherwise skipped this entire thing.
"Hey," Runt called out to his two twin brothers, Frod and Gump Queasy, while being tricksters, were also incredibly attractive in their own right.
"Hey, little bro," said Frod, or was it Gump, patting him on the head, taking a seat next to him and Harry.
Gump, or was it Frod, was drumming his hand against the table, both of them wanting their dinner before they went off to ransack the castle, "I can't wait to see what happens to Malformed."
"He'll get put back in Sillysin for sure," Runt said, "Where he was when he was first at Hogheads."
Harry nodded, "Wouldn't it be funny if he didn't make Sillysin this time?" he said, with a twinkle in his eye.
"You're not going to try and doing anything, are you, Harry?" Herwhiny said, not that he had ever done any kind of magic at all, except by accident, while he was there, but Harry did not reply - he was picking his nose.
Professor Doubledork got to his feet with a creek, "Welcome, welcome everyone," he said, "This shall prove to be an interesting year for us all. A few simply rules, the Forest is only for those who wish to persue a fascinating career as eunuchs. Any student who wants to earn extra points for their house can come to my bedchambers after hours and we will discuss what they can do for me. And no one is to insult Lusty Malformed, the old coot who for some insanely stupid reason is back."
With that done, McGonads stepped up, "Thank you," she said, "Although your speech is usually given after I have sorted the first-years." Doubledork did not seem to hear, as he was then working on his eigth cup of wine. McGonads pulled out a musical hat, which the Disney company was desperately trying to get their hands on as a side-kick for a new movie they were working on and pulled out a sheet of paper, "I will read only the names of the people who are important to the story, and that one person will come up and let the hat sort him into the house that he was in the last time he was here. The rest of you - we don't really care what happens to you. You might as well go play in the Forest for all we care. I will now begin. Lusty Malformed," she called out the name in ecstacy.
Lusty walked up and sat down on the bench, where the Sorting Hat was placed on his head. Harry wrinkled up his nose in a blatent rip-off of someone who actually had magical powers. The Sorting Hat begin to sing a little ditty: "I remember you from some years ago Your grades then were fairly low So surprised I am not at your return For a vain attempt to learn So I shall prevent you from last time's orgy-fest By sticking you in a new house, for some rest." Then the house yelled out the house, "Gritonfloor!"
Everyone in Gritonfloor's jaw dropped. This was highly unusual. Room was still made for him, though, at the far end of the table. "Now isn't that odd," Frod commented.
"It is," Gump said, "Does this mean we can't play all those tricks on him like we were planning?"
"Maybe one," Frod considered, but suddenly the food appeared and they began to eat.
The only three professors gathered together after all the students had been dismissed to their rooms. "I don't like this at all," McGonads said.
"Neither do I," agreed Professor Severely Snapped, Potions master who once had stringy black hair, but recently had decided to change his shampoo, so that his dark hair was now very full with vitality and exquisitely shining and soft. "The plan was that he would be in my house, so I could keep an eye on him."
"Perhaps there is something else we can do," Doubledork thought.
"What did you have in mind?" McGonads wondered.
Doubledork answered, "This year, what about in a sign of good faith, we allowed Professors to pursue their wildest dreams? Such as a professor's lifelong ambition to be part of a winning Quiditch team?"
Snapped looked shocked, "McGonads is a woman, she should know how to use a broom better than me," he said. McGonads eyed him angrily, he was going to find a snake in his bed tonight for sure. "Besides," Snapped continued, "I'm not married, I haven't had a date in the past five books, and who knows how long before that? And there's about three hundred potions sitting on my desk. What do you think is my wildest dream?"
Doubledork shook his head, "No, Professor Snapped, it must be you playing quiditch. You shall be a new member of the Gritonfloor Quiditch team."
"Joy," mumbled Snapped as he went off to sulk.
Allupher Wood, Gritonfloor Quiditch captain, was pacing back and forth, waiting for everyone to arrive. "Welcome back to another year of Gritonfloor Quiditch!" he said in his adorably Scottish accent and then smiled simply because he knew he looked unbelievabley cute smiling. "We do have two openings on our team this year, so we'll be having try-outs. To refresh the readers, I'll just remind them what positions we play. Harry is our Seeker, Frod and Gump are our beaters," there was a snicker from Frod, or Gump, who were trying to play poker they had learned from someone who they believed was a normal, non-magic human; because the author does not believe in the world "Muggle," non-magic humans are called humans. "There is one Keeper, that's me," he said with another smile. "And let me introduce one of our new Chasers: Professor Snapped." Snapped strode up angrily. He really didn't have any other expressions when he was around students. "Although it makes no sense whatsoever that Professor Snapped is going to be playing quiditch on our team, he is, so let's make the best of it. Now for try-outs for the other two Chasers. Here come the recruits."
A bunch of students were meandering their way down towards the field, and Harry could make out one rather tall man amoung them, Lusty Malformed. A small game was set into progress, giving all the new people there the chance to show that they had going for them. At the end of the day all were tired, but two people had been chosen to be members of the team. Again, Allupher spoke before them in his charming Scottish accent, "It was a good day, with a lot of skill out there," he said, "I have made the selection for our two new members. They are Lusty Malformed," there was shock from both Frod and Gump, as well as Harry, "And Chick-no-one-cares-about. Thanks to all."
"I don't believe it," Frod whispered to Gump.
"Neither do I," Gump replied.
"I suppose we really can't play that trick on him now, can we?" Frod wondered.
"I suppose we can't," Gump was forced to agree sadly.
"Bummer. I was looking forward to it," Frod said remorsefully. None of them noticed that this entire turn of events had freaked poor Harry out, nor that Snapped was not overly pleased with it, either.
Snapped wandered off mumbling to himself, "I'd better call for back- up," he was saying though no one could hear, "I know just the person!"
In a room in France, somewhere, the phone rang, and a dashingly handsome man picked it up. "Hello?" he said.
"We need help here at Hogheads," the voice of Professor Severely Snapped came through the piece, "Dangerous things are afoot. Can you come?"
"I'm on my way."
Before the phone could be placed back in the cradle, Snapped interjected, "And can you bring some of that delicious cheese of yours? And some red wine? We haven't had any good wine here in decades."
"Very well," the man agreed. No sooner was the conversation done, then he was out the door and on his way to help out his best friend. Johnny Depp was coming back to Hogheads, too.
Looking up from the scrap of parchment he held in his hand, Professor Doubledork asked, "Is this real?"
Professor McGonads nodded, "Terrible as it sounds, it is true."
Doubledork shook his head, "How can this be done? I thought he had graduated from Hogheads long ago."
"He had," McGonads agreed, "But he is saying that he needs more training, and is coming back. We'll have to keep an eye on him."
"Don't worry, Professor McGonads," Doubledork promised, crumpling up the paper and throwing towards his pet bird, Feebles, who let out a loud squawk when it impacted, and immediately fell to the ground from the shock. "I shall be very careful when Lusty Malformed returns to Hogheads this year."
The train began to move along the track, and as Harry Plodder and his best, and only, friend, Runt Quesy, sat in their own little compartment, far away from spying eyes so they could do whatever they wished without being seen, they could almost hear the faint sounds of the engine, speaking, "I think I can, I think I can." Harry, short, egotistical, with some stupid cut on his face and brown hair that always needed proper grooming, was leaning back with his hands folded behind his head. Runt, red- hair, freckles, and interminably stupid, watched him with fascination, when suddenly this girl who had decided she was their friend, and who the two boys only let hang out with them was because she not only dissipated the rumors that they were involved, but as puberty was slowly setting in, was becoming more interesting with each passing day. At least the two bumps on her chest were. In any case, she came barging in, like she always did, and gasped out, "Did you hear?" Her incredibly unkempt hair flung itself over her eyes and she tried to brush it away, but her fingers became ensnarled, and she had to fight to free her hand.
"What is it now, Herwhiny?" Runt sighed.
"Drano Malformed's father, Lusty Malformed is coming back to Hogheads this year," Herwhiny Grumble informed them, feeling in necessary to repeat the chap's last name twice, as if the father's last name would somehow be different then his sons. She had little common sense, though she was quite book-smart.
Harry sat up, "How can he do that? I thought he had graduated, like, a million years ago or something."
"It was hardly a million, Harry," Herwhiny corrected him, which made Harry went to stand up and smack her. "And I'm not entirely sure. I heard that he wanted more training, and returned to get it."
"I bet he's just here to spy on Harry," Runt said.
"Yes, I'm worried, too," Herwhiny agreed, "After all, he is a Vegetarian, one of You-Know-Who's most loyal supporters."
Harry nodded, "Yeah, Spoiledsport, the most evil sorcerer ever. We'll have to keep a watch on him." Herwhiny nodded and then left. No one knew where she actually went to when she left them, but it was a good excuse for her to go away and leave Runt and Harry alone.
"What do you think of that? You think Lusty wants to spy on you for You-Know-Who?" Runt wondered.
Harry shrugged, he didn't know all that much, "It's a possibility," he said, and then took a nap.
When the train finally reached Hoghead, all the students disembarked. As they headed towards the carriages which would take them to the castle where the school was located, they could all heard Halfwit's booming voice, summoning the first-year students, who would ride in boats to the castle. As Harry and Runt got into their private carriage, being forced to share it with Herwhiny and Normal like they were every year, Runt tapped Harry on his shoulder and pointed. Together they looked at a very tall and striking first-year. "That's Malformed," Runt said.
"I don't know," Harry said appraisingly, looking Lusty Malformed up and down, "He looks well formed to me."
"No, Harry," Runt reprimanded him, and Harry was not sure if Runt had become jealous, "It's Lusty Malformed, he's at Hogheads, as a first-year!"
"I knew that," Harry snapped as they got into the carriage and went up to the castle.
As they rode up to the castle, Herwhiny could not shut up about seeing Lusty there, "Did you see him?" she said, "With that long blond hair, and those black eyes, it had to be him. I mean, really, what first- year is over six foot tall? Oh, excuse me, this is England, I meant two meters. It shall be interesting to see how he fits in this year."
They finally arrived at the castle after Runt and Harry were debated if they wanted to rip off the cushion they were sitting on and stick it in their ears or to simply strangle Herwhiny when they saw the lights inside, and knew that food was near. Immediately, every other thought they had fell to the wayside with the smell of food entreating them inside. It was a stampede as they raced for their table, the long Gritonfloor table. Nearby were the house Houses of Hogheads, Huffandpuff, Sillysin, and Ramensoup. The food, of course, wasn't actually there yet. The headmaster, Professor Doubledork, had to give a long and boring speech before he would make the food appear. He only allowed the smells to come through, as an enticement to the students who would have otherwise skipped this entire thing.
"Hey," Runt called out to his two twin brothers, Frod and Gump Queasy, while being tricksters, were also incredibly attractive in their own right.
"Hey, little bro," said Frod, or was it Gump, patting him on the head, taking a seat next to him and Harry.
Gump, or was it Frod, was drumming his hand against the table, both of them wanting their dinner before they went off to ransack the castle, "I can't wait to see what happens to Malformed."
"He'll get put back in Sillysin for sure," Runt said, "Where he was when he was first at Hogheads."
Harry nodded, "Wouldn't it be funny if he didn't make Sillysin this time?" he said, with a twinkle in his eye.
"You're not going to try and doing anything, are you, Harry?" Herwhiny said, not that he had ever done any kind of magic at all, except by accident, while he was there, but Harry did not reply - he was picking his nose.
Professor Doubledork got to his feet with a creek, "Welcome, welcome everyone," he said, "This shall prove to be an interesting year for us all. A few simply rules, the Forest is only for those who wish to persue a fascinating career as eunuchs. Any student who wants to earn extra points for their house can come to my bedchambers after hours and we will discuss what they can do for me. And no one is to insult Lusty Malformed, the old coot who for some insanely stupid reason is back."
With that done, McGonads stepped up, "Thank you," she said, "Although your speech is usually given after I have sorted the first-years." Doubledork did not seem to hear, as he was then working on his eigth cup of wine. McGonads pulled out a musical hat, which the Disney company was desperately trying to get their hands on as a side-kick for a new movie they were working on and pulled out a sheet of paper, "I will read only the names of the people who are important to the story, and that one person will come up and let the hat sort him into the house that he was in the last time he was here. The rest of you - we don't really care what happens to you. You might as well go play in the Forest for all we care. I will now begin. Lusty Malformed," she called out the name in ecstacy.
Lusty walked up and sat down on the bench, where the Sorting Hat was placed on his head. Harry wrinkled up his nose in a blatent rip-off of someone who actually had magical powers. The Sorting Hat begin to sing a little ditty: "I remember you from some years ago Your grades then were fairly low So surprised I am not at your return For a vain attempt to learn So I shall prevent you from last time's orgy-fest By sticking you in a new house, for some rest." Then the house yelled out the house, "Gritonfloor!"
Everyone in Gritonfloor's jaw dropped. This was highly unusual. Room was still made for him, though, at the far end of the table. "Now isn't that odd," Frod commented.
"It is," Gump said, "Does this mean we can't play all those tricks on him like we were planning?"
"Maybe one," Frod considered, but suddenly the food appeared and they began to eat.
The only three professors gathered together after all the students had been dismissed to their rooms. "I don't like this at all," McGonads said.
"Neither do I," agreed Professor Severely Snapped, Potions master who once had stringy black hair, but recently had decided to change his shampoo, so that his dark hair was now very full with vitality and exquisitely shining and soft. "The plan was that he would be in my house, so I could keep an eye on him."
"Perhaps there is something else we can do," Doubledork thought.
"What did you have in mind?" McGonads wondered.
Doubledork answered, "This year, what about in a sign of good faith, we allowed Professors to pursue their wildest dreams? Such as a professor's lifelong ambition to be part of a winning Quiditch team?"
Snapped looked shocked, "McGonads is a woman, she should know how to use a broom better than me," he said. McGonads eyed him angrily, he was going to find a snake in his bed tonight for sure. "Besides," Snapped continued, "I'm not married, I haven't had a date in the past five books, and who knows how long before that? And there's about three hundred potions sitting on my desk. What do you think is my wildest dream?"
Doubledork shook his head, "No, Professor Snapped, it must be you playing quiditch. You shall be a new member of the Gritonfloor Quiditch team."
"Joy," mumbled Snapped as he went off to sulk.
Allupher Wood, Gritonfloor Quiditch captain, was pacing back and forth, waiting for everyone to arrive. "Welcome back to another year of Gritonfloor Quiditch!" he said in his adorably Scottish accent and then smiled simply because he knew he looked unbelievabley cute smiling. "We do have two openings on our team this year, so we'll be having try-outs. To refresh the readers, I'll just remind them what positions we play. Harry is our Seeker, Frod and Gump are our beaters," there was a snicker from Frod, or Gump, who were trying to play poker they had learned from someone who they believed was a normal, non-magic human; because the author does not believe in the world "Muggle," non-magic humans are called humans. "There is one Keeper, that's me," he said with another smile. "And let me introduce one of our new Chasers: Professor Snapped." Snapped strode up angrily. He really didn't have any other expressions when he was around students. "Although it makes no sense whatsoever that Professor Snapped is going to be playing quiditch on our team, he is, so let's make the best of it. Now for try-outs for the other two Chasers. Here come the recruits."
A bunch of students were meandering their way down towards the field, and Harry could make out one rather tall man amoung them, Lusty Malformed. A small game was set into progress, giving all the new people there the chance to show that they had going for them. At the end of the day all were tired, but two people had been chosen to be members of the team. Again, Allupher spoke before them in his charming Scottish accent, "It was a good day, with a lot of skill out there," he said, "I have made the selection for our two new members. They are Lusty Malformed," there was shock from both Frod and Gump, as well as Harry, "And Chick-no-one-cares-about. Thanks to all."
"I don't believe it," Frod whispered to Gump.
"Neither do I," Gump replied.
"I suppose we really can't play that trick on him now, can we?" Frod wondered.
"I suppose we can't," Gump was forced to agree sadly.
"Bummer. I was looking forward to it," Frod said remorsefully. None of them noticed that this entire turn of events had freaked poor Harry out, nor that Snapped was not overly pleased with it, either.
Snapped wandered off mumbling to himself, "I'd better call for back- up," he was saying though no one could hear, "I know just the person!"
In a room in France, somewhere, the phone rang, and a dashingly handsome man picked it up. "Hello?" he said.
"We need help here at Hogheads," the voice of Professor Severely Snapped came through the piece, "Dangerous things are afoot. Can you come?"
"I'm on my way."
Before the phone could be placed back in the cradle, Snapped interjected, "And can you bring some of that delicious cheese of yours? And some red wine? We haven't had any good wine here in decades."
"Very well," the man agreed. No sooner was the conversation done, then he was out the door and on his way to help out his best friend. Johnny Depp was coming back to Hogheads, too.