A/N: thanks for all the sweet reviews, and if you have suggestions, please
keep telling me! And a special thanks to coffeechick87 for helping me on my
way!
I've seen you, I know you
But I don't know
How to connect, so I disconnect
(The Cardigans, Communication)
BADBOY: so you have feelings for your best friend
BADBOY: why don't you tell him?
COFFEELVR: I'm scared he doesn't feel the same. And I don't want to ruin our friendship.
BADBOY: he has feelings for you...
COFFEELVR: how do you know?
BADBOY: Rory...
**Rory's POV**
Rory? how the hell... oh, crap...Jess. I hurriedly signed out. I can't believe that the stranger I was confessing my secret to actually turned out to be Jess. Oh god! I've just told Jess that I had feelings for him! Oh crap! Crap crap crap! I shut off my computer and fell down on my bed. What was I supposed to do now?
It was supposed to be really simple. I loved Dean, I had sex with Jess, and my perfect life with Dean could continue. Why hadn't I thought this through longer? Why had I thought this would be the perfect solution? I should have known this wouldn't turn out the way I wanted it to. It never did.
Different people I've found.
Some of them got closer then others
Some wouldn't even bother and then you came around
Suddenly it began to sink in. I didn't just tell Jess I had feelings for him, he had feelings for me too! I suppressed the urge to dance around on my bed. This wasn't good! This was so bad! I couldn't be with Jess! He was my friend, my best friend, and my mom...my grandmother...the town...what would they all say? Me and Dean, that's what they got used to. We were the perfect couple, every little fight we would make up with a kiss that made the whole town go 'ahwww'. Well they definitely wouldn't go 'ahwww' over this. They would go 'yuck' or 'iehhw' or something in that direction.
And Dean...oh my god, Dean! How was I supposed to explain this to him? He would turn everything around on me. I wouldn't be Rory who slept with someone else to make him happy, I would be Rory, cheating girlfriend. But wasn't that exactly what I was? I mean...come on...sleeping with another guy to make your boyfriend happy? How insane is that?
I had to make a decision. And it wasn't going to be hard. I couldn't be with Jess...he wasn't good for me. My heart tried to reason otherwise but I didn't want to listen to it. I should be with Dean. He was good for me. He loved me. Jess was the bad boy from New York, who had tons of girls. Why would I be different?
OK...I knew that I was, but it just couldn't happen. I didn't want to admit it, not even to myself, but I was scared as hell. With Dean I knew what I could expect, with him everything was sweet and gentle and predictable. I was in control. Jess...Jess just made me lose control, and that feeling wasn't one I really liked. I didn't want to end up like my mother...so the decision was made. Dean it was.
Well this is an invitation
It's not a threat
If you want communication
That's what you get
I'm talking and talking
But I don't know
How to connect
So I disconnect
I went back online to see if Jess was still there.
COFFEELVR: Jess...we have to talk
My heart did a little backflip and my palms were all sweaty. Oh I needed coffee right now. I couldn't do this. My finger was already touching the off-button on the computer when he responded.
BADBOY: I'm sorry for not telling you it was me
BADBOY: but I'm not sorry for talking to you
BADBOY: you have been avoiding me ever since this happened
BADBOY: Rory? Please say something!
I could almost vision him sitting behind his computer. Scared, nervous, trying to act tough. But I knew what was going on behind that surface. I knew I was the only person he had opened up to. And suddenly I didn't know how to tell him anymore. I couldn't hurt him, risking to lose him. The world deserved to see this Jess. If only I could make other people see that side. Maybe then...
COFFEELVR: I'm sorry I dissapeared. I was just confused
COFFEELVR: look Jess...I'm sorry for saying that stuff to you
COFFEELVR: if I had known it was you...I mean...
BADBOY: if you want to take it back...
COFFEELVR: that's just it...I don't know. I'm so confused right now...
COFFEELVR: and I'm scared to lose your friendship...
BADBOY: I bet you really crave for coffee now, huh?
I smiled despite the circumstances. He knew exactly what I was feeling. And that was part of why I freaked out too...he knew me better than anybody else. He knew every thought and dream I've ever had. And I felt vulnerable. Naked and exposed to his eyes. But I also knew he would never take advantage of that.
COFFEELVR: oh yes...
BADBOY: I'll be right over ;)
And with that he went offline.
I've seen you, I know you
But I don't know
How to connect, so I disconnect
(The Cardigans, Communication)
BADBOY: so you have feelings for your best friend
BADBOY: why don't you tell him?
COFFEELVR: I'm scared he doesn't feel the same. And I don't want to ruin our friendship.
BADBOY: he has feelings for you...
COFFEELVR: how do you know?
BADBOY: Rory...
**Rory's POV**
Rory? how the hell... oh, crap...Jess. I hurriedly signed out. I can't believe that the stranger I was confessing my secret to actually turned out to be Jess. Oh god! I've just told Jess that I had feelings for him! Oh crap! Crap crap crap! I shut off my computer and fell down on my bed. What was I supposed to do now?
It was supposed to be really simple. I loved Dean, I had sex with Jess, and my perfect life with Dean could continue. Why hadn't I thought this through longer? Why had I thought this would be the perfect solution? I should have known this wouldn't turn out the way I wanted it to. It never did.
Different people I've found.
Some of them got closer then others
Some wouldn't even bother and then you came around
Suddenly it began to sink in. I didn't just tell Jess I had feelings for him, he had feelings for me too! I suppressed the urge to dance around on my bed. This wasn't good! This was so bad! I couldn't be with Jess! He was my friend, my best friend, and my mom...my grandmother...the town...what would they all say? Me and Dean, that's what they got used to. We were the perfect couple, every little fight we would make up with a kiss that made the whole town go 'ahwww'. Well they definitely wouldn't go 'ahwww' over this. They would go 'yuck' or 'iehhw' or something in that direction.
And Dean...oh my god, Dean! How was I supposed to explain this to him? He would turn everything around on me. I wouldn't be Rory who slept with someone else to make him happy, I would be Rory, cheating girlfriend. But wasn't that exactly what I was? I mean...come on...sleeping with another guy to make your boyfriend happy? How insane is that?
I had to make a decision. And it wasn't going to be hard. I couldn't be with Jess...he wasn't good for me. My heart tried to reason otherwise but I didn't want to listen to it. I should be with Dean. He was good for me. He loved me. Jess was the bad boy from New York, who had tons of girls. Why would I be different?
OK...I knew that I was, but it just couldn't happen. I didn't want to admit it, not even to myself, but I was scared as hell. With Dean I knew what I could expect, with him everything was sweet and gentle and predictable. I was in control. Jess...Jess just made me lose control, and that feeling wasn't one I really liked. I didn't want to end up like my mother...so the decision was made. Dean it was.
Well this is an invitation
It's not a threat
If you want communication
That's what you get
I'm talking and talking
But I don't know
How to connect
So I disconnect
I went back online to see if Jess was still there.
COFFEELVR: Jess...we have to talk
My heart did a little backflip and my palms were all sweaty. Oh I needed coffee right now. I couldn't do this. My finger was already touching the off-button on the computer when he responded.
BADBOY: I'm sorry for not telling you it was me
BADBOY: but I'm not sorry for talking to you
BADBOY: you have been avoiding me ever since this happened
BADBOY: Rory? Please say something!
I could almost vision him sitting behind his computer. Scared, nervous, trying to act tough. But I knew what was going on behind that surface. I knew I was the only person he had opened up to. And suddenly I didn't know how to tell him anymore. I couldn't hurt him, risking to lose him. The world deserved to see this Jess. If only I could make other people see that side. Maybe then...
COFFEELVR: I'm sorry I dissapeared. I was just confused
COFFEELVR: look Jess...I'm sorry for saying that stuff to you
COFFEELVR: if I had known it was you...I mean...
BADBOY: if you want to take it back...
COFFEELVR: that's just it...I don't know. I'm so confused right now...
COFFEELVR: and I'm scared to lose your friendship...
BADBOY: I bet you really crave for coffee now, huh?
I smiled despite the circumstances. He knew exactly what I was feeling. And that was part of why I freaked out too...he knew me better than anybody else. He knew every thought and dream I've ever had. And I felt vulnerable. Naked and exposed to his eyes. But I also knew he would never take advantage of that.
COFFEELVR: oh yes...
BADBOY: I'll be right over ;)
And with that he went offline.