Ouroboros
Summary: Season 3 AU. Pre-Full Disclosure. She thought she could move on and leave the past behind, never realizing, not matter how far she ran, it would always be a part of her.
Author: hockey_princess
Rating: G for now, maybe PG later.
Disclaimer: Alias and all its wonderful characters belong to JJ Abrams. I'm just borrowing them.
Author's note: I'm ignoring the whole Lauren-is-evil/SydSpawn plotlines because I don't find either particularly interesting.
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Prologue: One Morning
Some might call me a coward. Others may shake their heads sadly and say "She was brilliant, resilient, gifted but not strong enough." Maybe those descriptions are fair, but what those people think doesn't matter anymore. All I know is one morning, I woke up and something just snapped. Perhaps that's putting it the wrong way. It wasn't something that suddenly happened, with no warning whatsoever. Deep down, I knew what was happening, that my soul was being slowly chipped away, even if my mind would not acknowledge it. I wanted to endure. I didn't want to disappoint the people who saw me as 'Sydney Bristow-Super Spy: you can throw anything at her, but she'll still come bouncing back'.
As much as I wanted to be that untouchable super-spy, I'm not. I'm only human. That morning, it just all crystallized. I was tired. Tired of crying myself to sleep at night. Tired of yearning for a past that did not exist and could not be changed. Tired of wishing for a future that wasn't to be mine. I wanted to stop looking at another woman and coveting her husband. I had to stop pining for a man that could no longer love me back. I was exhausted, drained. I had no more tears left to cry for those I had cared about and lost in one way or another to this life.
Danny, whose death I can never seem to avenge. Noah, whom I never really knew, I later realized. Emily, whose only crime was being unable to help who she loved. Diane, a true innocent. Francie, the guilt from her death will never leave me. Will, now my oldest friend; he has had so much taken from him. My mother, someone I've always wanted to know but never truly will. Vaughn.
Then there is my father. He will never leave this life until I do. He wants to protect me from everything forever and I fear for the day when I may lose him also, to death or other demons. Oh, I know he is a strong man. Stronger that I will ever be. But I want him to live to get rest from everything that he has gone through in the last twenty years. There are others who are left: Dixon, Weiss, Marshall. But I'm tired of wondering when I may lose them also.
On that morning I came to all these realizations, and I recognized one path I could take to try and end it all.
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Summary: Season 3 AU. Pre-Full Disclosure. She thought she could move on and leave the past behind, never realizing, not matter how far she ran, it would always be a part of her.
Author: hockey_princess
Rating: G for now, maybe PG later.
Disclaimer: Alias and all its wonderful characters belong to JJ Abrams. I'm just borrowing them.
Author's note: I'm ignoring the whole Lauren-is-evil/SydSpawn plotlines because I don't find either particularly interesting.
************************************************************************
Prologue: One Morning
Some might call me a coward. Others may shake their heads sadly and say "She was brilliant, resilient, gifted but not strong enough." Maybe those descriptions are fair, but what those people think doesn't matter anymore. All I know is one morning, I woke up and something just snapped. Perhaps that's putting it the wrong way. It wasn't something that suddenly happened, with no warning whatsoever. Deep down, I knew what was happening, that my soul was being slowly chipped away, even if my mind would not acknowledge it. I wanted to endure. I didn't want to disappoint the people who saw me as 'Sydney Bristow-Super Spy: you can throw anything at her, but she'll still come bouncing back'.
As much as I wanted to be that untouchable super-spy, I'm not. I'm only human. That morning, it just all crystallized. I was tired. Tired of crying myself to sleep at night. Tired of yearning for a past that did not exist and could not be changed. Tired of wishing for a future that wasn't to be mine. I wanted to stop looking at another woman and coveting her husband. I had to stop pining for a man that could no longer love me back. I was exhausted, drained. I had no more tears left to cry for those I had cared about and lost in one way or another to this life.
Danny, whose death I can never seem to avenge. Noah, whom I never really knew, I later realized. Emily, whose only crime was being unable to help who she loved. Diane, a true innocent. Francie, the guilt from her death will never leave me. Will, now my oldest friend; he has had so much taken from him. My mother, someone I've always wanted to know but never truly will. Vaughn.
Then there is my father. He will never leave this life until I do. He wants to protect me from everything forever and I fear for the day when I may lose him also, to death or other demons. Oh, I know he is a strong man. Stronger that I will ever be. But I want him to live to get rest from everything that he has gone through in the last twenty years. There are others who are left: Dixon, Weiss, Marshall. But I'm tired of wondering when I may lose them also.
On that morning I came to all these realizations, and I recognized one path I could take to try and end it all.
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