Down the hall Estel was collapsed on his bed trying to work up the energy
to sit up and get dressed. He could not remember feeling quite this bad in
a while. He had barely made it from the study to his bedroom. He felt
like the whole of Imladris was on a merry-go-round and he was holding on
for dear life. He had no desire to spend the evening with the stuffy Lord
Celeborn at some dinner that would take hours. He was tired and cranky.
Even though he didn't feel any more queasy than usual, he could tell that
it would not take much to make him feel much worse. Maybe his Ada would
let him skip the dinner if he explained how he felt.
Decision made, Estel rose to go and find his father. Standing was more difficult than he thought it would be, and he had to hold the walls for support as he walked down the hallway to his father's rooms. He felt much like he had when Elrond had taken him to the coast to go sailing. After he had gotten off the ship, he could still feel the motion of the water after they had returned to his bed back on land. Much like then, even though he knew he was standing still, he felt like he was moving. It was not a pleasant feeling. Plus he didn't like the way the floor seemed to dip and wave even though he knew it was smooth marble.
Finally he reached Elrond's rooms and he knocked for admittance. Elrond waived him in and he slowly made his way to the bed and sat down. Elrond was braiding his hair with intricate beads. Estel had a fleeting thought that he could do that to his hair now that it was long enough, then he banished the thought as slightly strange. "Ada, can I skip dinner tonight. Lord Celeborn has only met me once before, so he won't really care if I show up. Not to mention I don't feel like explaining to anyone else what happened to me." His son had been the center of many questions for the first few weeks after he had changed gender.
"It would be impolite for you to miss dinner, my son. Besides, I have already told him what happened to you." Elrond looked over at Estel. His child had not remained standing one moment longer than absolutely necessary and once seated he had quickly chosen to lay down flat on his back.
"I don't want to be rude, Ada, but I don't feel well. My head won't quit spinning." Estel sounded whiny even to his own ears.
"Well" Elrond rose from is dressing table and sat beside his son placing, one elegant hand on Estel's forehead. He had to admit that Estel looked awfully pale and he usually at least stayed upright. He also did not want to have a repeat occurrence of Estel being sick at the table, but Celeborn was not just any envoy. He was Elrond's father in law and the husband of a ring barer. It would not do to give any offense.
Estel had no fever, and seemed to only be suffering from pregnancy so Elrond could not really take pity on him. "You have no fever, so you will be fine. Just eat lightly and slowly and you should be alright. In truth your dizziness is probably caused by not eating enough. Estel you must realize that you are not just building a normal baby inside of you, you are building an elvin baby. More resilient, stronger, and longer lived than a human. You will need to keep up your strength if you are going to be able to do that. And that means eating even when you don't feel like it."
Estel looked away. He had heard this lecture several times over the last few weeks. Lord Elrond had deduced that his symptoms were so intense because his body was having to build a half-elf rather than a human. Estel understood that and tried to do what his Ada told him to, but sometimes, like tonight, he just didn't feel well enough to. He thought he should try one more time. "Ada, please I promise I will eat anything the cooks send up for me if only you will let me go to sleep in my room for a few hours."
Elrond wished he could tell Estel yes, but he could not. "Sorry, but I need you at dinner. You will be fine." Elrond rose and returned to styling his hair. Estel slowly rose and went to get ready.
The dining hall was crammed with as many of the important people of Imladris as it would hold. And as usual, Estel felt out of place among them. Even though it was early summer, fires burned at each end of the hall. Estel was wearing his formal tunic and breaches, even though they did not really fit right anymore. He realized as he sat down beside Elrond that it must have been about 95 degrees in the room. The elves were not bothered by the temperature, but Estel was sweltering. The heat was not good for his lightheadedness. Estel had to fight the urge to lay his head down on his arms. Even if he had not been feeling queasy, he would not have been able to eat in this heat anyway. He just cut his food into smaller and smaller pieces.
After the first course he really, really wanted to leave. His head was starting to hurt and his vision was swimming. After the second course he knew he needed to get out of there. By the third course he really, really knew he needed to get out of there. "Ada." Estel whispered. He tried to talk at a normal volume, but his mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton, and his tongue felt like a slab of ham. Elrond either did not hear him or ignored him. "Ada, please." Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he should not be calling the mighty Lord of Imladris the evlin version of dad, but he could not think of anything better to call him. He was starting to feel very disconnected from his body. He had to try one last time. "Ada, may I be excused?"
Finally Lord Elrond heard him. The lord had intended to say no, but after one look at his son he could tell that Estel needed to go lay down. The young human's face was covered with a fine sheen of sweat, his skin was frighteningly pale with a greyish undertone, and his eyes looked unfocused. "Yes, Estel, you may be excused. I will come to check on you after dinner."
Estel was truly grateful Elrond had released him. He rose slowly and turned to Lord Celeborn. The room was spinning so fast now that Estel had to hold onto the table in order to stay upright. He also noticed that it seemed to be turning black around the edges while balls of light danced in the center. "Lord Celeborn, I hope you. . ." was all Estel managed to get out before his shaking legs gave out from under him and he fainted. But worse he was holding onto the tablecloth when he fell. The entire place setting fell onto the unconscious human. Every Elf at the high table had their plates yanked out from under them by the moving cloth.
Lord Elrond was up in a flash with a glass of water trying to wake Estel up. He could not believe he didn't think how the heat of the room would affect Estel. Nor did he realize how badly his son had felt. He vowed to never try and downplay Estel's symptoms again.
It didn't take long before Estel started to come around. "What am I doing on the floor?" To Estel it seemed like a good question.
"You fainted. How are you feeling now?" Elrond slowly helped Estel into a sitting position while cleaning food off of him.
"Kind of dizzy and hot." Estel was starting to remember what had happened and wished he had not. He had just fainted in front of every important person in Rivendell. And it would also appear that he pulled their food onto the floor as well.
He could hear Lord Celeborn's voice as he pointed at a flower vase that was still standing in the same position on the table as it had occupied on the tablecloth. "Does he do any other tricks." Laughter erupted around the room. Estel could feel tears spring to his eyes. Elrond wrapped his arm around the trembling human.
"Come, let us get you back to your room." Elrond helped Estel up and walked the wobbly human back to his room. Once there he helped him undress and get into bed. "Estel, do not worry. It will all be forgotten by tomorrow." Elrond could only guess at his son's embarrassment. Estel did not answer him, but he could see his child's shoulders shaking in silent tears. Not knowing what else to do he gave Estel a hug and a kiss on the forehead and headed back to the dining hall.
Estel cried himself to sleep. He dreamt about life before he got pregnant. Before when he could go places and do things with other people. Back when he didn't have to worry about being too weak or tired to participate or worrying over how he would embarrass himself next. He woke the next morning severely depressed.
Two days later he sat at lunch pushing his berry salad around on his plate trying to make it look like he had eaten more of it. The others were talking and eating quietly, ignoring Estel. For the last two days he had refused conversation with either silence or snapping. Everyone assumed it was just moodiness and left him alone. But in fact it was more resentment than moodiness. He just wanted this whole thing to be over.
By his reckoning, he was twelve weeks and three days along. According to the book, he should only have six more months of being pregnant. Of course, according to the book he should not still be feeling the queasiness that had kept him up sick most of the night. Estel squished a blackberry on his plate in rage. It looked like orc blood. Suddenly Estel knew there was a problem, he didn't know what , but he could feel something was wrong. Lord Elrond could feel it too, but he knew what it was. Orcs had come into his valley.
Not ten minutes later, an exhausted and bleeding guard came into the private dining room and told the party that orcs had been spotted on the southern boarder. Glorfindel began to give orders to guards as to who would stay and who would go, what weapons to take, and which horses to take. Elladan and Elrohir were already running to their rooms to gather bows and swords. Legolas also was preparing to leave. Estel rose to follow just as he had been doing for years when there was any orc problem around, but Elrond placed a hand on his shoulder forcing him back into his seat.
"You cannot go Estel." Estel wanted to protest, but he understood that in his current condition he would be more of a liability than anything. Half and hour later he watched as the guard, Glorfindel, his brothers and Legolas left to face the orcs. He felt like a child who was too young to go. He looked down at his stomach in disgust.
It was too long days before the band returned from their hunt. Many were wounded, Elladan and Legolas among them. Estel had been taught the ways of healing, and so Elrond had enlisted him to help care for the wounded. Estel worked for hours suturing cuts and cleaning wounds until he came to Legolas. The wood elf lay on one of the tables with an arrow shaft sticking out of his right shoulder. His eyes were closed and he was taking shallow breaths. To Estel he looked just as his father had shortly before he had died. Estel banished the thought and went to help his friend. Legolas smiled up at Estel as he pushed the arrow through the elf's shoulder. Blood came pooling out and ran onto the white marble floor. Estel could take it no longer and ran from the room out to one of the terraces. He vomited over the side of one of the staircases into a bed of flowers.
Estel was disgusted with himself. Not only was he now to weak to go to battle and help his friends, now he could not even stop from vomiting long enough to help heal them. He felt tears rise to his eyes. He felt much the same way he had when he had seen his father killed by orcs in front of him. He wanted to help, but had been too weak to make a difference. Or at least that was what he thought he had seen. He had been so very young at the time he really only remembered his father's death in dreams. Even still Estel had promised himself that he would never be that weak again. But now he was. Well, he would just have to do something about it. But first he had to tend to Legolas.
When he walked back into the room, he saw that Elrohir had finished what he had started. Legolas was all bandaged and resting on a table. Elrohir was returning to sit beside his wounded twin. Elladan had taken a spear to the thigh and was resting comfortably. Estel felt a new wave of self-hatred wash over him as the thought of Elrohir having to leave his twin to finish Estel's job hit him. Estel hung his head in shame as he felt Elrohir lead him to a chair. He sat in the corner thinking about what he would do next. It was a hard decision, but he could not allow himself to be so weak and soft again. There really was no better option, he would end his pregnancy and with it all of the problems it had brought.
Two days later, Estel nervously waited for his father to finish talking t Erestor. He needed Elrond to explain to him if he were right. A few weeks ago he had read in his book that there was an herb called black cohash that could cause a woman to loose her baby. It had mentioned that sheep and cattle often ate it if there was not enough vegetation around to support the herd. The book warned woman to stay away from it because of its abortive effects, but Estel figured that maybe that might not be such a bad thing. He just wanted Elrond to tell him if it would work.
Finally Elrond had finished with is chief political advisor and turned his attention to the jittery human. "What can I do for you?"
Now that he was here asking about ending his pregnancy, it was not so easy. "I have a question for you, from the book you gave me." Estel need to build up his courage.
"And what is it. If it is about your timetable for delivery, I cannot help you. Because of the mixed race or your child I cannot predict when it will be born."
"No, that is not it. I was wondering; I mean, I read something and I wanted." Estel took a deep breath. "I want to know if taking black cohash intentionally will make me loose my baby?" There he had said it. But he had not counted on the shocked look on Elrond's face.
Elrond was not sure if he had heard correctly. Why would anyone willingly want to loose a baby, especially in such a painful way? The birth of a child with elf blood was almost unheard of now. How could Estel be thinking of not having her. How could Estel be thinking of ending the life of his daughter before she even had a chance. "What did you say?"
"I want to end this pregnancy. The book said black cohash would cause a woman to have a miscarriage. I want to know if I purposely take it ,if I will loose this baby?" It was not really any easier to say the second time.
"Yes, it will. Black cohash causes spontaneous contractions, which cause the mother to go into premature labour. It would certainly cause you to have a miscarriage if you took it intentionally. But why would you want to?" Elrond had to find some way of talking Estel out of this.
"Because. I am tired of being sick and weak. I started thinking about it the day Lord Celeborn was here, but I really didn't make up my mind until the hunting party came back. I should have been out there with them, Ada, but instead I was stuck here because I could not be trusted to fight without vomiting or fainting. And I do not want to damn another child to being the heir of Isildur. Always being hunted, never being able to tell anyone who or what you are. Always hiding yourself from other people. I do not want her to have to live that way. She deserves so much better than that." Elrond listened to Estel talk. He could see how depressed and demoralized Estel was, but he could also see that he still loved his daughter. He seemed to think that it would be better for her to never be born than to be born to the life he could give her. He still wanted to protect her. That was something Elrond could work with, but in the end he realized that the decision was Estel's alone.
"Estel, I realize that you are tired and unhappy, but that is no reason to purposely have a miscarriage. Just think about it a while longer, and talk to Legolas. I am sure he will be able to change your mind."
"I don't want to change my mind. I want this over with. Before I dream about her again." Estel had not meant to say the last sentence. Over the last two months he had often dreamt of his daughter. He had seen her as a baby, and as a toddler, and each time he saw her it became more and more difficult for him to think about aborting her. If he had to look at her one more time he didn't think he would be able to do it.
"If you dream about her, Estel, why would you want to kill her, because that his what you will be doing." Elrond hated to be harsh with his child, but he had to talk some sense into him. He could see Estel start to shake and tears begin to fill his child's eyes.
"Why are you making this harder on me?" Estel gasped as he turned to the window and lost his battle with the tears. Elrond walked up behind him and hugged him.
"I am not trying to make anything harder on you, but I want you to understand what you are doing." Elrond stroked Estel's hair as he held him.
"But, the book said that she wasn't really anything right now. That if she were born she could not survive. She isn't really alive yet." Estel's voice was muffled. He wished Elrond would just let him go. It was so much harder trying to explain why he wanted to do this.
"However, you have seen her soul in your dreams. The Valar have given her one already and they have shown it to you. That glimpse and she are a gift from them. Would you deprive the world of a gift from the Valar?" Estel started to cry even harder.
"Ada, everyone talks about how she is a gift and how happy I should be, but I never wanted her. I never asked for this gift. I fell asleep one night and woke up the next morning pregnant and I don't remember any of it. You and everyone else see this as wonderful, but I am the one who has to make all of the sacrifices. I have to carry her and suffer the illness, I will have to give birth, and I will have to raise her. I know I should be happy, but I am not. Nothing feels right about any of this." Estel could not find a way to articulate how he felt. None of his visions had ever showed her as anything other than an infant or a very young toddler. Something from the visions gave him the feeling that he wouldn't or shouldn't be around her as she grew up. The more he tried to figure it out in his head, the more frustrated he became and the harder he cried.
Elrond finally led his son over to the window seat where had been sitting when he had found out he was pregnant. He could sense there was something more to Estel's desire to end his pregnancy than simply not wanting to have children, but he was not sure if even Estel knew what it was. He had to admit though, Estel was right. He would be the one to make all of the sacrifices to raise her, not Elrond and not even Legolas he guessed. Why should Estel be forced into that when he had a way out? Hating to have to say it, Elrond whispered. "If this is want you truly want, I will give you the black cohash, but talk to Legolas first." Estel seemed to relax a great deal after his father spoke.
A few hours later, just after a lunch he skipped, Estel cornered Legolas in a secluded part of the gardens. The elf's arm was still in a sling, but that was mostly as a precaution. Legolas sat in the shade of a large tree with his back resting against the trunk. A soft breeze played with the ends of his hair. Estel stopped for a moment and noticed how lovely the blond elf looked. He had grown up around mostly brunettes, the only blond in Imladris being Glorfindel, so he found Legolas's hair to be rather intriguing. Legolas was beautiful, Estel had never denied that, but he wondered why that beauty seemed to be affecting him differently lately.
Estel pushed the thought away and left his hiding place. Legolas was startled to see Estel standing over him all-alone. It had been nearly two weeks since the two had had even the briefest moment unchaperoned. Estel looked tired, and his eyes were red rimmed from crying. He wore his hair in the far more simple Dunedain style with the front parted in the middle and the very front pieces in long straight braids, rather than the far more intricate plaits that most of the elves wore. For some inexplicable reason, Estel could not master the art of braiding hair. He was barely capable of achieving a three strand braid, and even that he wasn't very good at. Legolas again marveled at how thick and lustrous his friend's hair was. Much thicker than that of an elf maid.
The way the elf was staring at him was starting to make Estel nervous. He began to fear maybe he should have waited until Legolas returned to the house. He had to get this over with. "Legolas, we need to talk."
"I agree." Legolas had been waiting for Estel to come to him. There were so many things he wanted to say to the young human he did not know where to begin. But most importantly he wanted Estel to know that he loved him and their daughter dearly and he would never leave them. Even if Estel would never consent to having him as a lover again. He would be celibate the rest of his life if that was what Estel wanted, he just wanted to be a part of his and their daughter's lives. So Legolas moved over making room in the shady spot for the Ranger to sit.
Estel sat down and began to play with a blade of grass trying to think of the right way to begin the conversation. He had been trying to come up with something for the last hour, but when he realized he could not he decided that maybe just facing Legolas would force him to find the words. It appeared he was wrong.
"What do you want to talk about, Estel?" Legolas was becoming uncomfortable in the silence. He did not like the way the human refused to look up at him.
"The baby." Estel took a deep breath and tried to go forward. In a way it was more difficult talking to Legolas than his father. "I want to end the pregnancy." Estel had hoped that Legolas would be happy. He had hoped that Legolas would see that logic. After all Thranduil would be furious, the child would never really be at home anywhere but Rivendell, and neither one of them was equipped to be a good parent. He had hoped, but he was wrong.
"No."
"What do you mean 'no'?" Legolas's one word response was not what he had expected.
"You cannot end our child's life, it is a travesty." Poor Estel, Legolas thought he was confused.
"Legolas, listen. It will be easier on everyone if this child were never born. Think about it." Estel was prepared to go into his reasons.
"I said no. You cannot do this. I forbid it." There, that was the end of that.
"You forbid it? Since when do you tell me what to do in my home?" Estel was furious. How dare that self-righteous albino prince tell him what he can and cannot do? It was not his body that was being used as a host for a glorified leach.
"Because I am the child's father. Really Estel, I know you are young but even you should see the folly in what you want to do." Legolas smiled indulgently at the young human who was beginning to seethe with rage.
"Don't talk to me like I am some sort of child, Legolas. I have made up my mind. I am ending this pregnancy." Estel rose to leave.
"Estel, calm down. You need to stop and think about what you are saying. You are just being hormonal, in a few hours you will feel differently. Would it cheer you up if I asked the cooks to make ice cream?"
Estel could not remember ever being quite so angry before, but ice cream did sound really good. He had to concentrate, in fact he would love to have anything sweet especially chocolate. He was going to give Legolas a piece of his mind, chocolate ice cream would be the best maybe with some cherries. Yummy! Why could he not stop thinking about ice cream, damn Legolas. Then he looked at he patronizing smile on the elf's face and all thoughts of delicious sweet frozen cream were lost. "I am not being HORMONAL!" Estel yelled at the top of his lungs.
"Easy, my friend. Maybe I should take you back to the house to lay down for a bit." Legolas rose to stand next to the human.
"I don't need to lay down. Damn it I need to have this accursed pregnancy ended." Estel was still yelling.
"I thought we had decided on that already."
"NO! You decided, but you don't get a say. I only told you because Ada made me talk to you." Now Estel was purposely trying to hurt Legolas. He wanted to yell and cry all at the same time, but most of all he wanted Legolas to hurt as much as he did. He realized he was being hormonal but he would never admit it to Legolas.
"What do you mean I do not get a say? I am her father."
"You didn't give me a whole hell of a lot of choice in getting pregnant, so you don't get a choice in whether I end it." Both of them were surprised at the amount of venom in Estel's words. Legolas actually took a step back from the human.
"What is that suppose to mean?" Legolas was starting to get angry himself.
"Let's think about it. What do you call someone who sleeps with a woman when she is too drunk to say no or even remember?"
"It was not like that. You were enjoying yourself as much as I was." Legolas did not know what else to say. He was not a rapist, why was Estel trying to make him sound like one? And what did this have to do with Estel hurting their child?
"It doesn't matter. Ada is going to help me end it tonight so we can both forget any of this ever happened."
"Just because you are mad at me does not give you the right to kill our child, Estel. No one could be that selfish."
"Funny you should talk about selfishness." Estel was still striking out at Legolas so he didn't have to think about what the elf was saying.
"Estel, it is murder. It goes against everything you have been taught." In that instant, all of Estel's rage turned to tears. They fell one after another down his cheeks, just as they had that morning when talking to Elrond. Legolas was stunned to see the raging Estel turn suddenly into a crying Estel. "Estel?" Legolas reached his hand out to the Ranger.
"Leave me alone." Estel turned on his heals and ran towards the river.
He didn't stop until he reached the bottom of the waterfall. He was panting and exhausted when he stopped, but it gave him something else to think about other than his baby. He plopped down on a boulder by the edge of the river, hugging his knees to his chest. The cool spray from the falls mixed with the warm salt of his tears. Estel felt utterly alone. No one understood his decision and no one supported it. But he knew he had to end it. Something told him that she would never be safe around him. He had often thought through his life that it would have been far better to have died with his parents than live never really being able to be yourself. But worst of all, no one understood just how hard it was for him. He was the one who had carried her for three months. He had talked to her and sang to her, and put up with her turning his emotions upside down, trying to starve him to death, and making him so sleepy he could barely function.
Estel buried his head in his knees and cried even harder. He couldn't take this anymore. He prayed someone would tell him if he were making the right decision. He wanted someone to tell him it was ok to feel this way. After all how good of a parent could he really be if he wanted to abort her? He often thought how much easier things would be if he had never gotten pregnant. Parents were suppose to love their children, not wish they did not exist. Estel realized what a horrible person he was and it made him cry even harder. By the time he was done, he was completely convinced that a forced miscarriage was kinder than making her grow up with a monster like him for a parent. Estel eventually cried himself to sleep on the riverbank.
A few hours later he woke to early afternoon and a badly churning stomach. Estel barely made it into a sitting position before he wretched onto the white stones by the riverside. This, he would not miss. He had hoped that the Valar would send him a vision to tell him what to do while he slept. However, they had been silent. Estel bowed his head and put his hand over his belly. "I am sorry, little one, but you deserve someone better than me. Please don't hate me, I am only doing what I think is best for you." Estel could feel tears begin again.
Not knowing what else to say, Estel began to make his way back to the house. This time much more slowly. Eventually Estel made his way back to Lord Elrond's study.
"Ada, may I come in?" Estel seemed anxious and very unhappy to Elrond.
"Of course. I have talked with Legolas. He says you still wish to go through with it." Elrond tried to take all judgment out of his voice. If is child was going through with this travesty, he would not add to the burden Estel would carry.
Estel paused for a moment and looked down. His eyes began to fill again. "Yes." Then the words came more quickly like rocks tumbling down a cliff. "It is the best thing. Lord Thranduil will be happy. She will not have to worry about being my heir and the Valar will give her a better life somewhere safe, away from me."
"But what about you, will you be happy?"
"Does it matter?"
"Yes, very much so. Do not do this to make someone else happy. Only do it if you are completely sure it is what you want."
"I am sure it is what needs to be done." That was not the answer Elrond was looking for , but it was as good as he would get.
"Very well. We shall do it this evening then. It will take several hours and be quite painful, are you prepared for that?"
"I think so.
"I will make the preparations. We will begin after dinner. I suggest you eat nothing else for the rest of the day." The Lord quirked one eyebrow at his child, knowing Estel would have most likely shun food until tomorrow anyway.
"Not a problem."
Estel skipped breakfast and sat in the study staring out of the window. It was a beautiful quiet night. If he had had his druthers he would be out walking under the violet sky watching the stars turn from mere pinpricks to glowing gems. He was waiting for his father to come get him so he could take the black cohash. He tried not to think about what he was about to do. Instead he thought about all of the things he would be able to do once this was taken care of.
So lost in thought was he that he did not notice Legolas when he entered the room.
"Are you still going to go through with this folly?" Legolas prayed Estel had changed his mind.
"Yes."
"How could you?" This time it was Legolas's turn to cry. He had not really believed Estel would do it, but now he saw the resolve in the grey eyes.
"Things will be better once it is finished, you will see." Elrond had walked in with a bag of herbs and a kettle of steaming water. The Lord motioned for Estel to follow him.
But before Estel was out of earshot Legolas yelled. "All I see is a selfish murderer. You are truly Isildur's heir fore you carry his weakness and his betrayal." Legolas shot off in the opposite direction, but he knew what he said had struck the young Ranger to the bone.
Elrond wrapped one arm around his child trying to offer some comfort. He could see Estel fighting not to cry. The two quickly reached Estel's room, and they walked inside. Elrond had already had the sheets changed to many layers of older stained sheets. He told Estel to put on his sleep shirt only and to get into bed.
"Here, drink this slowly. In a few hours you will start to feel pain in your womb. When that happens, come and find me. Until then try to rest." Elrond left Estel alone.
Estel drank the foul tasting brew and had to fight for a few breaths to keep it down. He then curled up on his side holding his belly, simply repeating. "I am sorry, I am sorry." A few minutes later he had fallen asleep. But his dreams were directed by a greater hand than his own. He could feel his mind begin to reel as the Valar showed him images of his daughter. He saw her when she was but an infant, when she was a toddler, and then he saw her older and running up to someone yelling "Ada," He saw Legolas teaching her archery, and his own father telling her tales of lore. And then he saw himself with her. She sat in front of him on a large horse begging for him to make the horse go faster. He could feel such love for her that he could not understand it.
Estel woke with a start. The sky had not darkened completely yet, so he guess no more than ten minutes had passed since he had drunk the herb tea. He realized he was making a terrible mistake. He couldn't go through with it. He couldn't end the life of that beautiful little girl he saw. Just because she couldn't be safe with him did not mean she couldn't be safe with the people he loved. He had been such a fool He needed to find his Ada. He prayed to the Valar that he was not too late.
He bolted out of bed and yelled for his father, who came running just as Estel was gagging himself trying to expel the toxin. "Ada, I was wrong. I was so wrong. Please there must to be some way to stop it. I don't want to loose my baby. " Estel was almost hysterical. Elrond smiled at Estel and calmly led him back to the bed.
"Here, drink this. It is an antidote. It will stop all effects of the cohash." Estel gulped down the tea so fast he burned his tongue.
"Was it in time? Is she going to be alright?"
"Yes, it was in time. I mixed the cohash tea very weak incase you changed your mind. And it has not been over half and hour since you drank it, so you and she will be just fine. You may have some slight cramping, but nothing serious. So relax."
Estel breathed a sigh of relief about the same time he began to sob hysterically. "I am sorry, I didn't mean it. I made a mistake. Please don't hate me. I was wrong." Several other phrases were repeated during his crying jag. Elrond just gathered his child into his loving arms and tried to sooth him as best he could.
Elrond sat with Estel as his son literally cried for hours. He told Elrond about his dream and about how afraid he was that he would put her in danger. The two talked about many of Estel's other fears about the pregnancy and parenthood. Then they talked about Estel's fear that Legolas would never forgive him. Elrond assured him that Legolas would be more than willing to forgive him once he found out Estel had changed his mind. Finally Estel's eyes grew heavy and he fell asleep. Lord Elrond left his son to rest. He had had a very trying day.
As the Lord of Imladris exited Estel's bedroom he saw found Legolas standing in the hallway. "Is it finished?" The sylvan elf tried to keep his voice level.
"Estel could not do it. Your baby still rests safely in his womb." When Elrond finished speaking Legolas's face was reminiscent of the sun coming out from behind a cloud. "He is resting. But he was very upset. You can go and sit with him if you like." He didn't have to ask twice before Legolas had gone into Estel's room.
Once inside, Legolas pulled up a comfortable chair and sat down by the bed. He could see that even in sleep tears slipped from under Estel's long dark lashes. The young human had a protective hand across his stomach. Legolas knew that there would be no more problems with getting Estel to protect their daughter and for that Legolas was thankful. So he stayed the night through in the chair beside his love's bed. Watching over mother and daughter in case they needed him.
TBC
Decision made, Estel rose to go and find his father. Standing was more difficult than he thought it would be, and he had to hold the walls for support as he walked down the hallway to his father's rooms. He felt much like he had when Elrond had taken him to the coast to go sailing. After he had gotten off the ship, he could still feel the motion of the water after they had returned to his bed back on land. Much like then, even though he knew he was standing still, he felt like he was moving. It was not a pleasant feeling. Plus he didn't like the way the floor seemed to dip and wave even though he knew it was smooth marble.
Finally he reached Elrond's rooms and he knocked for admittance. Elrond waived him in and he slowly made his way to the bed and sat down. Elrond was braiding his hair with intricate beads. Estel had a fleeting thought that he could do that to his hair now that it was long enough, then he banished the thought as slightly strange. "Ada, can I skip dinner tonight. Lord Celeborn has only met me once before, so he won't really care if I show up. Not to mention I don't feel like explaining to anyone else what happened to me." His son had been the center of many questions for the first few weeks after he had changed gender.
"It would be impolite for you to miss dinner, my son. Besides, I have already told him what happened to you." Elrond looked over at Estel. His child had not remained standing one moment longer than absolutely necessary and once seated he had quickly chosen to lay down flat on his back.
"I don't want to be rude, Ada, but I don't feel well. My head won't quit spinning." Estel sounded whiny even to his own ears.
"Well" Elrond rose from is dressing table and sat beside his son placing, one elegant hand on Estel's forehead. He had to admit that Estel looked awfully pale and he usually at least stayed upright. He also did not want to have a repeat occurrence of Estel being sick at the table, but Celeborn was not just any envoy. He was Elrond's father in law and the husband of a ring barer. It would not do to give any offense.
Estel had no fever, and seemed to only be suffering from pregnancy so Elrond could not really take pity on him. "You have no fever, so you will be fine. Just eat lightly and slowly and you should be alright. In truth your dizziness is probably caused by not eating enough. Estel you must realize that you are not just building a normal baby inside of you, you are building an elvin baby. More resilient, stronger, and longer lived than a human. You will need to keep up your strength if you are going to be able to do that. And that means eating even when you don't feel like it."
Estel looked away. He had heard this lecture several times over the last few weeks. Lord Elrond had deduced that his symptoms were so intense because his body was having to build a half-elf rather than a human. Estel understood that and tried to do what his Ada told him to, but sometimes, like tonight, he just didn't feel well enough to. He thought he should try one more time. "Ada, please I promise I will eat anything the cooks send up for me if only you will let me go to sleep in my room for a few hours."
Elrond wished he could tell Estel yes, but he could not. "Sorry, but I need you at dinner. You will be fine." Elrond rose and returned to styling his hair. Estel slowly rose and went to get ready.
The dining hall was crammed with as many of the important people of Imladris as it would hold. And as usual, Estel felt out of place among them. Even though it was early summer, fires burned at each end of the hall. Estel was wearing his formal tunic and breaches, even though they did not really fit right anymore. He realized as he sat down beside Elrond that it must have been about 95 degrees in the room. The elves were not bothered by the temperature, but Estel was sweltering. The heat was not good for his lightheadedness. Estel had to fight the urge to lay his head down on his arms. Even if he had not been feeling queasy, he would not have been able to eat in this heat anyway. He just cut his food into smaller and smaller pieces.
After the first course he really, really wanted to leave. His head was starting to hurt and his vision was swimming. After the second course he knew he needed to get out of there. By the third course he really, really knew he needed to get out of there. "Ada." Estel whispered. He tried to talk at a normal volume, but his mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton, and his tongue felt like a slab of ham. Elrond either did not hear him or ignored him. "Ada, please." Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he should not be calling the mighty Lord of Imladris the evlin version of dad, but he could not think of anything better to call him. He was starting to feel very disconnected from his body. He had to try one last time. "Ada, may I be excused?"
Finally Lord Elrond heard him. The lord had intended to say no, but after one look at his son he could tell that Estel needed to go lay down. The young human's face was covered with a fine sheen of sweat, his skin was frighteningly pale with a greyish undertone, and his eyes looked unfocused. "Yes, Estel, you may be excused. I will come to check on you after dinner."
Estel was truly grateful Elrond had released him. He rose slowly and turned to Lord Celeborn. The room was spinning so fast now that Estel had to hold onto the table in order to stay upright. He also noticed that it seemed to be turning black around the edges while balls of light danced in the center. "Lord Celeborn, I hope you. . ." was all Estel managed to get out before his shaking legs gave out from under him and he fainted. But worse he was holding onto the tablecloth when he fell. The entire place setting fell onto the unconscious human. Every Elf at the high table had their plates yanked out from under them by the moving cloth.
Lord Elrond was up in a flash with a glass of water trying to wake Estel up. He could not believe he didn't think how the heat of the room would affect Estel. Nor did he realize how badly his son had felt. He vowed to never try and downplay Estel's symptoms again.
It didn't take long before Estel started to come around. "What am I doing on the floor?" To Estel it seemed like a good question.
"You fainted. How are you feeling now?" Elrond slowly helped Estel into a sitting position while cleaning food off of him.
"Kind of dizzy and hot." Estel was starting to remember what had happened and wished he had not. He had just fainted in front of every important person in Rivendell. And it would also appear that he pulled their food onto the floor as well.
He could hear Lord Celeborn's voice as he pointed at a flower vase that was still standing in the same position on the table as it had occupied on the tablecloth. "Does he do any other tricks." Laughter erupted around the room. Estel could feel tears spring to his eyes. Elrond wrapped his arm around the trembling human.
"Come, let us get you back to your room." Elrond helped Estel up and walked the wobbly human back to his room. Once there he helped him undress and get into bed. "Estel, do not worry. It will all be forgotten by tomorrow." Elrond could only guess at his son's embarrassment. Estel did not answer him, but he could see his child's shoulders shaking in silent tears. Not knowing what else to do he gave Estel a hug and a kiss on the forehead and headed back to the dining hall.
Estel cried himself to sleep. He dreamt about life before he got pregnant. Before when he could go places and do things with other people. Back when he didn't have to worry about being too weak or tired to participate or worrying over how he would embarrass himself next. He woke the next morning severely depressed.
Two days later he sat at lunch pushing his berry salad around on his plate trying to make it look like he had eaten more of it. The others were talking and eating quietly, ignoring Estel. For the last two days he had refused conversation with either silence or snapping. Everyone assumed it was just moodiness and left him alone. But in fact it was more resentment than moodiness. He just wanted this whole thing to be over.
By his reckoning, he was twelve weeks and three days along. According to the book, he should only have six more months of being pregnant. Of course, according to the book he should not still be feeling the queasiness that had kept him up sick most of the night. Estel squished a blackberry on his plate in rage. It looked like orc blood. Suddenly Estel knew there was a problem, he didn't know what , but he could feel something was wrong. Lord Elrond could feel it too, but he knew what it was. Orcs had come into his valley.
Not ten minutes later, an exhausted and bleeding guard came into the private dining room and told the party that orcs had been spotted on the southern boarder. Glorfindel began to give orders to guards as to who would stay and who would go, what weapons to take, and which horses to take. Elladan and Elrohir were already running to their rooms to gather bows and swords. Legolas also was preparing to leave. Estel rose to follow just as he had been doing for years when there was any orc problem around, but Elrond placed a hand on his shoulder forcing him back into his seat.
"You cannot go Estel." Estel wanted to protest, but he understood that in his current condition he would be more of a liability than anything. Half and hour later he watched as the guard, Glorfindel, his brothers and Legolas left to face the orcs. He felt like a child who was too young to go. He looked down at his stomach in disgust.
It was too long days before the band returned from their hunt. Many were wounded, Elladan and Legolas among them. Estel had been taught the ways of healing, and so Elrond had enlisted him to help care for the wounded. Estel worked for hours suturing cuts and cleaning wounds until he came to Legolas. The wood elf lay on one of the tables with an arrow shaft sticking out of his right shoulder. His eyes were closed and he was taking shallow breaths. To Estel he looked just as his father had shortly before he had died. Estel banished the thought and went to help his friend. Legolas smiled up at Estel as he pushed the arrow through the elf's shoulder. Blood came pooling out and ran onto the white marble floor. Estel could take it no longer and ran from the room out to one of the terraces. He vomited over the side of one of the staircases into a bed of flowers.
Estel was disgusted with himself. Not only was he now to weak to go to battle and help his friends, now he could not even stop from vomiting long enough to help heal them. He felt tears rise to his eyes. He felt much the same way he had when he had seen his father killed by orcs in front of him. He wanted to help, but had been too weak to make a difference. Or at least that was what he thought he had seen. He had been so very young at the time he really only remembered his father's death in dreams. Even still Estel had promised himself that he would never be that weak again. But now he was. Well, he would just have to do something about it. But first he had to tend to Legolas.
When he walked back into the room, he saw that Elrohir had finished what he had started. Legolas was all bandaged and resting on a table. Elrohir was returning to sit beside his wounded twin. Elladan had taken a spear to the thigh and was resting comfortably. Estel felt a new wave of self-hatred wash over him as the thought of Elrohir having to leave his twin to finish Estel's job hit him. Estel hung his head in shame as he felt Elrohir lead him to a chair. He sat in the corner thinking about what he would do next. It was a hard decision, but he could not allow himself to be so weak and soft again. There really was no better option, he would end his pregnancy and with it all of the problems it had brought.
Two days later, Estel nervously waited for his father to finish talking t Erestor. He needed Elrond to explain to him if he were right. A few weeks ago he had read in his book that there was an herb called black cohash that could cause a woman to loose her baby. It had mentioned that sheep and cattle often ate it if there was not enough vegetation around to support the herd. The book warned woman to stay away from it because of its abortive effects, but Estel figured that maybe that might not be such a bad thing. He just wanted Elrond to tell him if it would work.
Finally Elrond had finished with is chief political advisor and turned his attention to the jittery human. "What can I do for you?"
Now that he was here asking about ending his pregnancy, it was not so easy. "I have a question for you, from the book you gave me." Estel need to build up his courage.
"And what is it. If it is about your timetable for delivery, I cannot help you. Because of the mixed race or your child I cannot predict when it will be born."
"No, that is not it. I was wondering; I mean, I read something and I wanted." Estel took a deep breath. "I want to know if taking black cohash intentionally will make me loose my baby?" There he had said it. But he had not counted on the shocked look on Elrond's face.
Elrond was not sure if he had heard correctly. Why would anyone willingly want to loose a baby, especially in such a painful way? The birth of a child with elf blood was almost unheard of now. How could Estel be thinking of not having her. How could Estel be thinking of ending the life of his daughter before she even had a chance. "What did you say?"
"I want to end this pregnancy. The book said black cohash would cause a woman to have a miscarriage. I want to know if I purposely take it ,if I will loose this baby?" It was not really any easier to say the second time.
"Yes, it will. Black cohash causes spontaneous contractions, which cause the mother to go into premature labour. It would certainly cause you to have a miscarriage if you took it intentionally. But why would you want to?" Elrond had to find some way of talking Estel out of this.
"Because. I am tired of being sick and weak. I started thinking about it the day Lord Celeborn was here, but I really didn't make up my mind until the hunting party came back. I should have been out there with them, Ada, but instead I was stuck here because I could not be trusted to fight without vomiting or fainting. And I do not want to damn another child to being the heir of Isildur. Always being hunted, never being able to tell anyone who or what you are. Always hiding yourself from other people. I do not want her to have to live that way. She deserves so much better than that." Elrond listened to Estel talk. He could see how depressed and demoralized Estel was, but he could also see that he still loved his daughter. He seemed to think that it would be better for her to never be born than to be born to the life he could give her. He still wanted to protect her. That was something Elrond could work with, but in the end he realized that the decision was Estel's alone.
"Estel, I realize that you are tired and unhappy, but that is no reason to purposely have a miscarriage. Just think about it a while longer, and talk to Legolas. I am sure he will be able to change your mind."
"I don't want to change my mind. I want this over with. Before I dream about her again." Estel had not meant to say the last sentence. Over the last two months he had often dreamt of his daughter. He had seen her as a baby, and as a toddler, and each time he saw her it became more and more difficult for him to think about aborting her. If he had to look at her one more time he didn't think he would be able to do it.
"If you dream about her, Estel, why would you want to kill her, because that his what you will be doing." Elrond hated to be harsh with his child, but he had to talk some sense into him. He could see Estel start to shake and tears begin to fill his child's eyes.
"Why are you making this harder on me?" Estel gasped as he turned to the window and lost his battle with the tears. Elrond walked up behind him and hugged him.
"I am not trying to make anything harder on you, but I want you to understand what you are doing." Elrond stroked Estel's hair as he held him.
"But, the book said that she wasn't really anything right now. That if she were born she could not survive. She isn't really alive yet." Estel's voice was muffled. He wished Elrond would just let him go. It was so much harder trying to explain why he wanted to do this.
"However, you have seen her soul in your dreams. The Valar have given her one already and they have shown it to you. That glimpse and she are a gift from them. Would you deprive the world of a gift from the Valar?" Estel started to cry even harder.
"Ada, everyone talks about how she is a gift and how happy I should be, but I never wanted her. I never asked for this gift. I fell asleep one night and woke up the next morning pregnant and I don't remember any of it. You and everyone else see this as wonderful, but I am the one who has to make all of the sacrifices. I have to carry her and suffer the illness, I will have to give birth, and I will have to raise her. I know I should be happy, but I am not. Nothing feels right about any of this." Estel could not find a way to articulate how he felt. None of his visions had ever showed her as anything other than an infant or a very young toddler. Something from the visions gave him the feeling that he wouldn't or shouldn't be around her as she grew up. The more he tried to figure it out in his head, the more frustrated he became and the harder he cried.
Elrond finally led his son over to the window seat where had been sitting when he had found out he was pregnant. He could sense there was something more to Estel's desire to end his pregnancy than simply not wanting to have children, but he was not sure if even Estel knew what it was. He had to admit though, Estel was right. He would be the one to make all of the sacrifices to raise her, not Elrond and not even Legolas he guessed. Why should Estel be forced into that when he had a way out? Hating to have to say it, Elrond whispered. "If this is want you truly want, I will give you the black cohash, but talk to Legolas first." Estel seemed to relax a great deal after his father spoke.
A few hours later, just after a lunch he skipped, Estel cornered Legolas in a secluded part of the gardens. The elf's arm was still in a sling, but that was mostly as a precaution. Legolas sat in the shade of a large tree with his back resting against the trunk. A soft breeze played with the ends of his hair. Estel stopped for a moment and noticed how lovely the blond elf looked. He had grown up around mostly brunettes, the only blond in Imladris being Glorfindel, so he found Legolas's hair to be rather intriguing. Legolas was beautiful, Estel had never denied that, but he wondered why that beauty seemed to be affecting him differently lately.
Estel pushed the thought away and left his hiding place. Legolas was startled to see Estel standing over him all-alone. It had been nearly two weeks since the two had had even the briefest moment unchaperoned. Estel looked tired, and his eyes were red rimmed from crying. He wore his hair in the far more simple Dunedain style with the front parted in the middle and the very front pieces in long straight braids, rather than the far more intricate plaits that most of the elves wore. For some inexplicable reason, Estel could not master the art of braiding hair. He was barely capable of achieving a three strand braid, and even that he wasn't very good at. Legolas again marveled at how thick and lustrous his friend's hair was. Much thicker than that of an elf maid.
The way the elf was staring at him was starting to make Estel nervous. He began to fear maybe he should have waited until Legolas returned to the house. He had to get this over with. "Legolas, we need to talk."
"I agree." Legolas had been waiting for Estel to come to him. There were so many things he wanted to say to the young human he did not know where to begin. But most importantly he wanted Estel to know that he loved him and their daughter dearly and he would never leave them. Even if Estel would never consent to having him as a lover again. He would be celibate the rest of his life if that was what Estel wanted, he just wanted to be a part of his and their daughter's lives. So Legolas moved over making room in the shady spot for the Ranger to sit.
Estel sat down and began to play with a blade of grass trying to think of the right way to begin the conversation. He had been trying to come up with something for the last hour, but when he realized he could not he decided that maybe just facing Legolas would force him to find the words. It appeared he was wrong.
"What do you want to talk about, Estel?" Legolas was becoming uncomfortable in the silence. He did not like the way the human refused to look up at him.
"The baby." Estel took a deep breath and tried to go forward. In a way it was more difficult talking to Legolas than his father. "I want to end the pregnancy." Estel had hoped that Legolas would be happy. He had hoped that Legolas would see that logic. After all Thranduil would be furious, the child would never really be at home anywhere but Rivendell, and neither one of them was equipped to be a good parent. He had hoped, but he was wrong.
"No."
"What do you mean 'no'?" Legolas's one word response was not what he had expected.
"You cannot end our child's life, it is a travesty." Poor Estel, Legolas thought he was confused.
"Legolas, listen. It will be easier on everyone if this child were never born. Think about it." Estel was prepared to go into his reasons.
"I said no. You cannot do this. I forbid it." There, that was the end of that.
"You forbid it? Since when do you tell me what to do in my home?" Estel was furious. How dare that self-righteous albino prince tell him what he can and cannot do? It was not his body that was being used as a host for a glorified leach.
"Because I am the child's father. Really Estel, I know you are young but even you should see the folly in what you want to do." Legolas smiled indulgently at the young human who was beginning to seethe with rage.
"Don't talk to me like I am some sort of child, Legolas. I have made up my mind. I am ending this pregnancy." Estel rose to leave.
"Estel, calm down. You need to stop and think about what you are saying. You are just being hormonal, in a few hours you will feel differently. Would it cheer you up if I asked the cooks to make ice cream?"
Estel could not remember ever being quite so angry before, but ice cream did sound really good. He had to concentrate, in fact he would love to have anything sweet especially chocolate. He was going to give Legolas a piece of his mind, chocolate ice cream would be the best maybe with some cherries. Yummy! Why could he not stop thinking about ice cream, damn Legolas. Then he looked at he patronizing smile on the elf's face and all thoughts of delicious sweet frozen cream were lost. "I am not being HORMONAL!" Estel yelled at the top of his lungs.
"Easy, my friend. Maybe I should take you back to the house to lay down for a bit." Legolas rose to stand next to the human.
"I don't need to lay down. Damn it I need to have this accursed pregnancy ended." Estel was still yelling.
"I thought we had decided on that already."
"NO! You decided, but you don't get a say. I only told you because Ada made me talk to you." Now Estel was purposely trying to hurt Legolas. He wanted to yell and cry all at the same time, but most of all he wanted Legolas to hurt as much as he did. He realized he was being hormonal but he would never admit it to Legolas.
"What do you mean I do not get a say? I am her father."
"You didn't give me a whole hell of a lot of choice in getting pregnant, so you don't get a choice in whether I end it." Both of them were surprised at the amount of venom in Estel's words. Legolas actually took a step back from the human.
"What is that suppose to mean?" Legolas was starting to get angry himself.
"Let's think about it. What do you call someone who sleeps with a woman when she is too drunk to say no or even remember?"
"It was not like that. You were enjoying yourself as much as I was." Legolas did not know what else to say. He was not a rapist, why was Estel trying to make him sound like one? And what did this have to do with Estel hurting their child?
"It doesn't matter. Ada is going to help me end it tonight so we can both forget any of this ever happened."
"Just because you are mad at me does not give you the right to kill our child, Estel. No one could be that selfish."
"Funny you should talk about selfishness." Estel was still striking out at Legolas so he didn't have to think about what the elf was saying.
"Estel, it is murder. It goes against everything you have been taught." In that instant, all of Estel's rage turned to tears. They fell one after another down his cheeks, just as they had that morning when talking to Elrond. Legolas was stunned to see the raging Estel turn suddenly into a crying Estel. "Estel?" Legolas reached his hand out to the Ranger.
"Leave me alone." Estel turned on his heals and ran towards the river.
He didn't stop until he reached the bottom of the waterfall. He was panting and exhausted when he stopped, but it gave him something else to think about other than his baby. He plopped down on a boulder by the edge of the river, hugging his knees to his chest. The cool spray from the falls mixed with the warm salt of his tears. Estel felt utterly alone. No one understood his decision and no one supported it. But he knew he had to end it. Something told him that she would never be safe around him. He had often thought through his life that it would have been far better to have died with his parents than live never really being able to be yourself. But worst of all, no one understood just how hard it was for him. He was the one who had carried her for three months. He had talked to her and sang to her, and put up with her turning his emotions upside down, trying to starve him to death, and making him so sleepy he could barely function.
Estel buried his head in his knees and cried even harder. He couldn't take this anymore. He prayed someone would tell him if he were making the right decision. He wanted someone to tell him it was ok to feel this way. After all how good of a parent could he really be if he wanted to abort her? He often thought how much easier things would be if he had never gotten pregnant. Parents were suppose to love their children, not wish they did not exist. Estel realized what a horrible person he was and it made him cry even harder. By the time he was done, he was completely convinced that a forced miscarriage was kinder than making her grow up with a monster like him for a parent. Estel eventually cried himself to sleep on the riverbank.
A few hours later he woke to early afternoon and a badly churning stomach. Estel barely made it into a sitting position before he wretched onto the white stones by the riverside. This, he would not miss. He had hoped that the Valar would send him a vision to tell him what to do while he slept. However, they had been silent. Estel bowed his head and put his hand over his belly. "I am sorry, little one, but you deserve someone better than me. Please don't hate me, I am only doing what I think is best for you." Estel could feel tears begin again.
Not knowing what else to say, Estel began to make his way back to the house. This time much more slowly. Eventually Estel made his way back to Lord Elrond's study.
"Ada, may I come in?" Estel seemed anxious and very unhappy to Elrond.
"Of course. I have talked with Legolas. He says you still wish to go through with it." Elrond tried to take all judgment out of his voice. If is child was going through with this travesty, he would not add to the burden Estel would carry.
Estel paused for a moment and looked down. His eyes began to fill again. "Yes." Then the words came more quickly like rocks tumbling down a cliff. "It is the best thing. Lord Thranduil will be happy. She will not have to worry about being my heir and the Valar will give her a better life somewhere safe, away from me."
"But what about you, will you be happy?"
"Does it matter?"
"Yes, very much so. Do not do this to make someone else happy. Only do it if you are completely sure it is what you want."
"I am sure it is what needs to be done." That was not the answer Elrond was looking for , but it was as good as he would get.
"Very well. We shall do it this evening then. It will take several hours and be quite painful, are you prepared for that?"
"I think so.
"I will make the preparations. We will begin after dinner. I suggest you eat nothing else for the rest of the day." The Lord quirked one eyebrow at his child, knowing Estel would have most likely shun food until tomorrow anyway.
"Not a problem."
Estel skipped breakfast and sat in the study staring out of the window. It was a beautiful quiet night. If he had had his druthers he would be out walking under the violet sky watching the stars turn from mere pinpricks to glowing gems. He was waiting for his father to come get him so he could take the black cohash. He tried not to think about what he was about to do. Instead he thought about all of the things he would be able to do once this was taken care of.
So lost in thought was he that he did not notice Legolas when he entered the room.
"Are you still going to go through with this folly?" Legolas prayed Estel had changed his mind.
"Yes."
"How could you?" This time it was Legolas's turn to cry. He had not really believed Estel would do it, but now he saw the resolve in the grey eyes.
"Things will be better once it is finished, you will see." Elrond had walked in with a bag of herbs and a kettle of steaming water. The Lord motioned for Estel to follow him.
But before Estel was out of earshot Legolas yelled. "All I see is a selfish murderer. You are truly Isildur's heir fore you carry his weakness and his betrayal." Legolas shot off in the opposite direction, but he knew what he said had struck the young Ranger to the bone.
Elrond wrapped one arm around his child trying to offer some comfort. He could see Estel fighting not to cry. The two quickly reached Estel's room, and they walked inside. Elrond had already had the sheets changed to many layers of older stained sheets. He told Estel to put on his sleep shirt only and to get into bed.
"Here, drink this slowly. In a few hours you will start to feel pain in your womb. When that happens, come and find me. Until then try to rest." Elrond left Estel alone.
Estel drank the foul tasting brew and had to fight for a few breaths to keep it down. He then curled up on his side holding his belly, simply repeating. "I am sorry, I am sorry." A few minutes later he had fallen asleep. But his dreams were directed by a greater hand than his own. He could feel his mind begin to reel as the Valar showed him images of his daughter. He saw her when she was but an infant, when she was a toddler, and then he saw her older and running up to someone yelling "Ada," He saw Legolas teaching her archery, and his own father telling her tales of lore. And then he saw himself with her. She sat in front of him on a large horse begging for him to make the horse go faster. He could feel such love for her that he could not understand it.
Estel woke with a start. The sky had not darkened completely yet, so he guess no more than ten minutes had passed since he had drunk the herb tea. He realized he was making a terrible mistake. He couldn't go through with it. He couldn't end the life of that beautiful little girl he saw. Just because she couldn't be safe with him did not mean she couldn't be safe with the people he loved. He had been such a fool He needed to find his Ada. He prayed to the Valar that he was not too late.
He bolted out of bed and yelled for his father, who came running just as Estel was gagging himself trying to expel the toxin. "Ada, I was wrong. I was so wrong. Please there must to be some way to stop it. I don't want to loose my baby. " Estel was almost hysterical. Elrond smiled at Estel and calmly led him back to the bed.
"Here, drink this. It is an antidote. It will stop all effects of the cohash." Estel gulped down the tea so fast he burned his tongue.
"Was it in time? Is she going to be alright?"
"Yes, it was in time. I mixed the cohash tea very weak incase you changed your mind. And it has not been over half and hour since you drank it, so you and she will be just fine. You may have some slight cramping, but nothing serious. So relax."
Estel breathed a sigh of relief about the same time he began to sob hysterically. "I am sorry, I didn't mean it. I made a mistake. Please don't hate me. I was wrong." Several other phrases were repeated during his crying jag. Elrond just gathered his child into his loving arms and tried to sooth him as best he could.
Elrond sat with Estel as his son literally cried for hours. He told Elrond about his dream and about how afraid he was that he would put her in danger. The two talked about many of Estel's other fears about the pregnancy and parenthood. Then they talked about Estel's fear that Legolas would never forgive him. Elrond assured him that Legolas would be more than willing to forgive him once he found out Estel had changed his mind. Finally Estel's eyes grew heavy and he fell asleep. Lord Elrond left his son to rest. He had had a very trying day.
As the Lord of Imladris exited Estel's bedroom he saw found Legolas standing in the hallway. "Is it finished?" The sylvan elf tried to keep his voice level.
"Estel could not do it. Your baby still rests safely in his womb." When Elrond finished speaking Legolas's face was reminiscent of the sun coming out from behind a cloud. "He is resting. But he was very upset. You can go and sit with him if you like." He didn't have to ask twice before Legolas had gone into Estel's room.
Once inside, Legolas pulled up a comfortable chair and sat down by the bed. He could see that even in sleep tears slipped from under Estel's long dark lashes. The young human had a protective hand across his stomach. Legolas knew that there would be no more problems with getting Estel to protect their daughter and for that Legolas was thankful. So he stayed the night through in the chair beside his love's bed. Watching over mother and daughter in case they needed him.
TBC